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Husband (extrovert) wants me (introvert) to be something I’m not.


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We've been married a bit over 4 years now. This hasn’t been an issue in the past, but it’s recently been becoming more and more of an issue every day. I’m very shy, not at all a people person. I’m civil and polite to others at all times but I will never go out of my way to strike up a conversation with a stranger. My husband is the exact opposite. When we were dating he’d tell me that he would go out to bars and clubs and make aggressive eye contact with strangers as way to make new friends. I admired that but, to me, that sounds horrifying.

My husband had become a regular customer at a strip club near our house (I don’t have an issue with the club) and has been insisting that I tag along. I am not a “club” or “bar person”, the idea of hanging out with drunk horny men and half naked women literally makes me sick. I’ve told my husband numerous times that there is no way I’ll ever go to a strip club and he’s just not getting it. He’s bringing it multiple times a day now, saying things like “one day I’ll buy you a lap dance” and it just makes me want to cry. Today we got into a fight and the cliff notes of the fight are that my husband feels I need to be a more social person. Now, he’s not totally wrong. I am extremely un social. But, I feel like he’s taking it to an extreme here. I don’t feel like I should HAVE to go to a strip club with my husband in an effort to be more social. In fact, I don’t feel like I have to go to a strip club at all. Most importantly though, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills because my husband whole heartily disagrees with me and it’s becoming an issue in our marriage. I want to find a middle ground for us to both enjoy but it’s proving to be difficult and all options lead to me talking to people pretty much no matter what. I’m basically the bad guy in this situation and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Any advice is appreciated.

I mostly just want to get this off my chest as I have no desire to talk to other humans about this.

 

Thank you in advance.

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What kind of total a** is he? This is a low grade man and he's trying to pull you down to his level.

He goes to a strip club when he has a wife? What a winner. Then he tries to force it onto you. He's not a nice man at all.

 

Stop letting him bully you. Tell him NO and mean it.

 

As for "crazy pills"...do you mean something like antidepressants? Those aren't "crazy pills" they are pharmaceuticals meant to help people and they can be fantastic if they work well.

No shame in taking them as they are no different than any other kind of medicine a person might require.

 

However, if you are taking them because your husband is making you this unhappy, then perhaps it's time to evaluate your marriage.

Counselling is the first place to consider, marriage and personal.

 

I'm sorry some men behave badly like this and I am sorry you have to deal with it.

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I'm going to assume that he, the bully, targeted you because he saw you as the target he likes to prey upon. Someone he thinks he can manipulate. Someone he likely sees who has low self esteem. The people in the strip joint make you sick, but your husband frequenting the place and having fantasies of a stripper giving you a lap dance doesn't make you feel sick that you've married someone like this?

 

You could only pick one man on the planet for a lifetime partner, and he is who you picked? I don't think you think very highly of yourself if this is who you think you deserve for your one precious life on the planet. My advice is to divorce him and then do whatever it takes to get to a healthy self esteem so that your man picker improves. I'm very sorry you're being treated this way, but you're in the driver's seat, so you choose how your life goes and who is allowed to stay in it.

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Surely he knew just how anti social you are before he married you, so I wonder what's going on now that this is such a big deal to him. What's your theory on that? Somehow you have to sit him down and tell him plainly and clearly that NO you will not be going to a strip club with him and that he needs to stop bugging you to go. Have you tried walking away from him when this topic comes up?

 

I didnt think you were taking any crazy pills or other meds, I read it that you felt so confused and angry and annoyed, and totally not like your usual self.

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This doesn't sound like an extrovert/introvert struggle.

 

This sounds like a man trying to bully his wife into some sort of sexual fantasy that she is uncomfortable with. It is ludicrous that he is trying to force you into a strip club, OP. That isn't about being "social."

 

My guess is that this is not the first time he has been a boundary-buster and attempted to bulldoze you into submission; am I correct?

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“ the idea of hanging out with drunk horny men and half naked women literally makes me sick.”

 

But you hang out with this man at home!?

It sounds to me that your husband is the socially inept one.

He is a regular at a club where the majority of customers are exactly like your husband. So he just simply blends in but I’m guessing sits there alone mostly and has no friends there.

 

Do you have friends? That you hang out with?

 

How about you tell your husband that you will go to the strip club for a month but for that month he needs to do what you normally do in that time!?

See what he says to that lol

 

Do you even like this man?

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Why is it okay for him to be a regular at a strip club? Once or twice a year, but a regular. You allow this?!

 

This man does not respect you at all. He sounds like a complete jerk and bully! I don't get what you could possibly see in him. He sounds obnoxious and awful.

 

You sound like you have no self worth. Has he torn you down to the place you are at now?

Edited by Hollyj
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Have you shared your husband's activities with friends and family? If not, why? "My husband had become a regular customer at a strip club near our house (I don’t have an issue with the club)"

 

What you are tolerating is very disturbing.

Edited by Hollyj
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There are infinite ways to be more social that do not involve going to a strip club. You could take up a new hobby together, join a club/Meetup group, go out more to restaurants or concerts... instead he thinks he should have it all his own way by forcing you to go somewhere which many women would object to, married or not. He has always known full well that you are not the social type, so is he coming out with this rubbish because he knows you won't agree or that it will make you more miserable, thus giving him an excuse (a pathetic one, mind) to end the marriage? The fact your marriage has led to you taking medication to cope with it is a sign that you really should be looking after your own needs and putting a stop to what is going on. After all, your husband is very good at looking after HIS own needs, isn't he...

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Marriage therapy could help you lay all the cards on the table and sort some things out. Personal confidential therapy would help you sort out the wisdom of him wasting a great deal of time money to get an erection. This has nothing to do with introverts/extroverts. It has to do with intense sexual incompatibilities.

 

Your marriage is in peril, not because you don't like strip clubs but because you are quickly drifting apart as he gets extremely involved in this expensive hobby. It is doing nothing for your marriage, sex, finances or emotional intimacy, in fact it's quite destructive. Agree he seems to be a tad abuse.

 

He sounds like someone you should consider divorcing before your house and kids college education ends up in some dancer's g-string.

My husband had become a regular customer at a strip club near our house and has been insisting that I tag along.

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Reading your message made me cringe. It reminded me of my ex who was into BDSM. He tried for years to get me to like these practices (although not 24/7). I tried numerous times to do these things for him but I found some things so bizarre, disgusting, stressful and very disturbing. But hey, to each his own; I'm not judging. I didn't do these things much at first because we had two small children so my time was very limited, and he had/has a very demanding job. As the kids got older, he would buy me books on the subject, buy toys, occasionally built contraptions, have talks with me, etc. He even made a list of things he enjoyed! Believe me, I tried to compromise but it's not my cup of tea. He continued to harp on the subject even though I explained numerous times that these things were not enjoyable for me. After the kids graduated high school, he became more insistent. Heck, he actually said that if I didn't do these things he'd serve me with papers, without prior warning. That was three years ago. I walked on eggshells after that, forcing myself to partake in these activities. But, that wasn't good enough for him. Guess this doesn't say much about me. Do NOT do something that you don't enjoy or makes you uncomfortable, please. Be true to yourself.

 

I told you my story because I don't want you to wind up with a divorce, or worse, stay in a very stressful and toxic marriage like I did. He is disrespectful and emotionally abusive. You need to get the courage to speak up for yourself and mean it. Don't make the mistake that I made by not putting my foot down. As smackie said, husbands should be supportive, understanding and loving. If a spouse accepts that such practices are so very upsetting to you, then he/she should stop forcing the respective spouse. Period. Perhaps you should try couples counselling or sex counselling. It might shed some light as to why he is trying to change you. And, going to a strip club? Really??? What a ridiculous bully he is. There are other ways to become more of an extrovert. Sorry to say, but your husband has some serious issues he needs to address. I hope things work out for you, one way or another.

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Whoa.

Its one thing to be cool with a guy who is dragged along to a strip club to a bachelor party, its another to be married to a "regular".

One of my guy's coworkers used to disappear for a 2 hours lunch to go have lunch at the strip club because they had "Great steaks" while everyone else brought their lunch or ordered from around the corner. He finally quit going because he was easily spending $800 a week there. About $100 in food, and the rest he would get carried away with giving the girls money or what have you. Those singles and 20s' add up. He was going broke.

 

I really, really would look over your finances. This is not a $10 latte or a beer just to be sociable with the pals. There has to be a lot of money missig.

 

I was married to a guy who wasn't a regular but he wanted me to go with him (i refused). Bottom line is his motive was to entice me to a threesome or to see if i had an attraction because he wanted out and he had a girlfriend who cheated on him with a woman. He could have just broken up wth me but he was so convinced that women were not trustworthy/marriage doesn't work and all women like other women (i have no desire whatsoever for women), that he wanted to test me.

 

So much wrong with all of this

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I'd just agree with everyone who says he's a bullying, manipulative pervert. It's got nothing to do with you being introverted, and don't let him think there's anything wrong with that. Correction - don't let YOU think there's anything wrong with that. It's also extremely ironic that you end up being the bad guy, but it is indicative of how twisted his perceptions are...!

 

Goddess - this made me laugh my socks off:

Heck, he actually said that if I didn't do these things he'd serve me with papers, without prior warning.
I'd love to see what his grounds for divorce would be. Sounds like the kind of interview the lawyer would record, only to play to his mates later over a couple of bottles of wine!

 

To the OP: not only are you tolerating unacceptable behaviour from you husband, but you are suffering because you refuse to indulge in it yourself. You don't say how he's financing his little adventures, but it won't be to the advantage of your joint household. If I were you, I'd get legal advice and see what your options are. Could you see yourself tolerating this sort of rubbish for the next five, ten, twenty years? Do you have children/want children at any point in the future? If so, would you want to bring them into this?

 

You can't change him. He isn't interested in meeting you half way. Unfortunately, your only option is to put your own interests first, so you need to find out what your next steps should be.

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