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Hi

 

I've separated from my wife of ten years which I am happy about and am currently going through the separation/ divorce process. Things happened between us that were quite destructive to our relationship, mainly the result of our builder going bankrupt while going through our build. As a result she became emotionally and physically abusive and I not longer trust her. To me while I miss my ex wife, that relationship is dead to me and won’t be recovered.

 

As I was going through the above I felt quite depressed about my situation. During this time I met a work colleague who I started spending more and more time with. Eventually I opened up and discussed some of the issues I was having and I became attracted to her, she made me feel valued and respected and happy. She and I spent a fair amount of time together - and she is engaged. Every day we would go for 1-2 coffees, and have the occasional lunch date. We traded texts all the time. We spoke on the drive home. We discussed topics like how many children we wanted, their names etc. a lot of the goals we had I felt were aligned and I felt a connection. We share a lot of interests and are both highly competitive.

 

This progressed and we started kissing each other. Things progressed and we were intimate twice. She has told me that she thinks I'm great and that there might be something there, but the timing isn’t right as she has a fiancé. If the situation were different it may have worked. I will point out this happened AFTER I separated and I have always been respectful on the boundaries of any relationship good or not.

 

After this my ex wife at the time came to my work place and confronted us, causing an incident at work. After this my colleague asked if we could just be friends. She said she is confused, but she thinks I'm great but she is getting married. I responded by saying that I really like spending time with her, I like her, and it would not be my preference to stop. I asked her to think about her situation, and what she wants from it as she must have started this for a reason.

 

Over the New Years we were both on holidays and she with her fiancé and the texts continued. I told her On a couple of occasions I thought we would be good, maybe even great together, and I want more. I asked her to leave her fiancé. She said no.

 

We exchange on most days between 50-100 texts, occasional pictures and while I have asked her, she says there is nothing romantic on her side there, however from my position there are still feelings. She has 8 months to go until she is married. We still catch up for coffee, and we say goodnight to each other. It’s odd and feels like a relationship and I am giving her the company and emotion she doesn’t have at home. I have respected her decision whilst I’ve found it hard, there has been no physical contact or kisses. She also as a point deleted my messages daily just in case despite there being nothing suggestive or flirty in there.

 

I reflect on my own situation and note that I want time to heal by myself and am not ready to jump into anything until my situation with my ex wife is resolved and I heal.

 

I’ve been on a few dates and realise that (and without trying to big note myself) I’m relatively attractive on the dating scene (tall, kind, high income earner, fit and attentive by most standards) and have a high success rate. however nothing has caught my eye.

 

What I keep coming back to is this work colleague and I have exceptional chemistry and connection, and she is everything I want in a woman. Everything else I’ve made the women chase me as I haven’t found the same level of connection and it’s easy to do.

 

What do you think the situation is on her side, is she confused and waiting to see what happens with my situation and how it resolves, or is it dead in the water? What would you do in my situation - move on, break the friendship?

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This is so inappropriate and selfish. I really feel for her fiancé. How would you like someone to do this to you, or one of your closest friends?. Terrible!

 

Why don't you focus on your divorce, then look for someone who is SINGLE. Your moral compass is really off!

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Well clearly you haven't always been respectful of other people's relationships or you wouldn't have become intimate with her knowing that she had a fiance.

 

You both kind of sound flaky. 50-100 texts a day?? When do you find time to work or do laundry?

 

Do you think she wouldn't be out kissing other guys, even if she left her current boyfriend and decided to be YOUR fiance?

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Well clearly you haven't always been respectful of other people's relationships or you wouldn't have become intimate with her knowing that she had a fiance.

 

You both kind of sound flaky. 50-100 texts a day?? When do you find time to work or do laundry?

 

Do you think she wouldn't be out kissing other guys, even if she left her current boyfriend and decided to be YOUR fiance?

 

Or, sleeping with them.

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I presume her alleged fiancé has no idea she's a cheater.

 

When he does find out the poop will really hit the fan.

 

Where will that leave you? Definitely not in any place that's good. Either she disappears from your life or you get the "prize" (NOT!) of having a lying cheater as a girlfriend.

 

I'm sure there are many, many unattached and totally single and attractive women in your area. I get that the sex is probably off the charts but you can get that with a woman who hasn't promised to marry someone else.

 

What to do? Continue on and wait for the inevitable train wreck or end this once and for all (and totally, no texts) and strive to meet a single, attractive woman who isn't a lying cheater. And work on raising your own moral standards.

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Shame on both of you! :upset:

 

You need to do the right thing by ceasing all contact with her permanently out of respect for her fiance, yourself and her engagement. Since you can't control your colleague, it's up to you to take serious action to sever all ties completely.

 

Explain to her that it's over and that at work, both of you are to remain professional and polite and that's it. If she refuses to comply, then ghost, delete and block permanently.

 

Since you're colleagues, remain polite, well mannered, calm yet professional always and forever. Keep it at that only.

 

Be intelligent. Don't do anything stupid.

 

Since she's deceiving and betraying her fiance, she will do it to you, too. There's zero trust which is pathetic.

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Things progressed and we were intimate twice.

 

She is not confused, she is a cheater, who was outed by your ex wife, and needed to back off in case the fiance got wind of it.

 

If she decides to dump her fiance for you, she'll be cheating on you next.

 

You need to close down this "friendship" and tell her it's inappropriate.

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im Sure there will be lots of others out there.

 

Her fiancé has absolutely no idea about anything that has happened of that I’m sure. I don’t know him and have never met him but I would imagine he would be devastated by it. Most people would.

 

Interesting you raise moral standards - clearly everyone thinks I’m a dirt bag from the responses above - I get hers were questionable in that she was cheating on her fiancé, and I ignored that fact. But you also own your own actions and my conscious is clear in that respect as I was single. I guess I saw a future in it with her with kids which is something I’ve wanted for a long time and we could have looked past that if we started afresh and I do like the person underneath.

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im Sure there will be lots of others out there.

 

Her fiancé has absolutely no idea about anything that has happened of that I’m sure. I don’t know him and have never met him but I would imagine he would be devastated by it. Most people would.

 

Interesting you raise moral standards - clearly everyone thinks I’m a dirt bag from the responses above - I get hers were questionable in that she was cheating on her fiancé, and I ignored that fact. But you also own your own actions and my conscious is clear in that respect as I was single. I guess I saw a future in it with her with kids which is something I’ve wanted for a long time and we could have looked past that if we started afresh and I do like the person underneath.

 

You know damn well this is not okay. You know that she is engaged. it makes you just as bad as her.

 

Have you told all of your family and friends that you are sleeping with someone who is engaged?

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im Sure there will be lots of others out there.

 

Her fiancé has absolutely no idea about anything that has happened of that I’m sure. I don’t know him and have never met him but I would imagine he would be devastated by it. Most people would.

 

Interesting you raise moral standards - clearly everyone thinks I’m a dirt bag from the responses above - I get hers were questionable in that she was cheating on her fiancé, and I ignored that fact. But you also own your own actions and my conscious is clear in that respect as I was single. I guess I saw a future in it with her with kids which is something I’ve wanted for a long time and we could have looked past that if we started afresh and I do like the person underneath.

 

So if you were dating (or engaged to) a woman, and found out she was cheating on you with a single man, you wouldn't hold the guy culpable because he was unattached?

 

Come on, FoxTones. Talk about illogical reasoning.

 

You know full well that what you're doing is wrong.

 

You want to believe that you're the exception, and you're looking for any reason to believe that maybe, just maybe, one day she'll make you her plus one. But the truth of the matter is, she already told you that she will not be leaving her fiance.

 

I'd cut contact with this woman immediately. Plus, what makes you think she wouldn't do the same thing to you as she's now doing to her fiance? She's playing/played both of you, and I feel sorry for her fiance who has absolutely no idea what he's marrying into.

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- I get hers were questionable in that she was cheating on her fiancé, and I ignored that fact. But you also own your own actions and my conscious is clear in that respect as I was single.

 

Can you fight?

 

Her fiance will find out about this eventually, and I doubt he'll accept that explanation.

 

You might want to get to the gym and do some heavy bag work.

 

I would also suggest a lot of incline sit-ups with a medicine ball on your gut. You need to really harden up the abdomen to absorb the strikes there.

 

Or you could leave town. Probably for the best.

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Ok it's understandable you are lonely but the absolute worst choice you can make is not only a coworker but she has a bf. If you need someone to talk to make an appt with a therapist to help sort out the fallout from the demise of your marriage and get ongoing support through the divorce process. If you are ready to date get on some dating apps.

I am happy about and am currently going through the separation/ divorce process.

 

I met a work colleague - and she is engaged.

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How long have you been seperate from your wife and when did you meet and start having these ‘talks’ with this other women .

I could be wrong here but my intuitive senses are going off like crazy . Are you sure this other woman wasn’t on the scene prior to the ‘separation’ ???? No influence whatsoever ???

And I have to agree that what you are doing here with her and her fiancé is wrong . Stay away and let that situation resolve itself one way or another

I also happen to think what you are doing in terms of your own marriage ‘could ‘ be wrong depending on when you met this other woman and how long you have been separated . IF this other woman was on your radar before splitting with your wife you are being totally unfair on the union between your wife and you which cannot possibly compete with something which is obviously so new and exciting to you . If you met her very shortly after splitting , same thing.

When have you given yourself time to really reflect on the marriage and what went wrong . This takes time .

My sense is that this woman is an infactuation and a distraction that you are subconsciously using to avoid dealing with reality right now of a failed marriage . Again , I could be wrong , perhaps you and your wife have been spilt for years . However you avoidance of mentioning any time frame , the minimisation of the importance of her and your marriage in your post and the jumping to an unavailable woman makes me wonder

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The comments above re can I fight, sure I can fight. I’m a 6 foot 5, athletic and competitively box. But what does any of this have to do with the original question I asked - nothing.

 

One of the few sensible and mature response in the above. I appreciate your reply Pinkcircle.

 

Let me deal broadly with a number of comments in one broad stroke. When your ex wife calls you a piece of sh !t repeatedly, and is physically abusive towards you to the extent you are bruised, you do not have any right to say that is a marriage anymore as one of the fundamental principles of marriage, being respect is no longer present between the both of you. Violence either physical or emotional is reprehensible and unforgivable. If a guy did that to a woman you would scream and demand them to be out in gaol.

 

I’m not perfect but at no point was I verbally or physically abusive to the one person who I should have been able to trust and lean on during that situation. I was the bread winner, overseeing the build, did all the chores and pretty much took care of everything. So when I say the marriage was dead, when I say there is no reconciling, I am unequivocal in this. I had moved on.

 

You want timelines sure. The abuse continued from Feb/March during a difficult build where my builder went bankrupt. rather than attacking the builder the aggression was targeted towards me until June when I had resolved everything and carried from then at least until early September when I called an end to it.

 

I started talking to my work colleague from mid August onwards and to a large extent she helped me realise how badly I had been treated, rather than just accepting and trying to make a marriage work. Through friendship she and another friend helped me realise what I was experiencing wasn’t right.

 

In terms of when my colleague and I got closer timing it would be mid December, which for me started from a friendship. when you discuss children’s names, obviously someone is unsure of the decision they have made towards their partner and you are implicitly discussing a future together.

 

I don’t judge her and count her as a very close friend to this day. I still see it as her being confused and unwilling to take the risk right now. What I was following was my own happiness, putting what I want first ahead of anyone else. You own your own actions, and I sleep very well at night looking back at every decision I have made.

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The comments above re can I fight, sure I can fight. I’m a 6 foot 5, athletic and competitively box. But what does any of this have to do with the original question I asked - nothing. .

 

You slept with another man's fiance.

 

I asked you that because when the fiance comes looking for you, it won't be for a beer and a quiet chat.

 

Your actions were just as wrong as hers, stop kidding yourself.

 

If you want to "own them", you need to admit that you did wrong.

 

And you asked "What to do in this situation"

 

My advice stays the same - best thing would be for you to leave town for a while.

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