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Is NC really the golden rule? It seems to block any reconciliation chances


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A friend of mine was the dumpee after around 2.5 years and 1 of living together. They were both around 26-27. The reason was mainly due to his GFs being stressed over a new job, the fact his brother and father lived with them and her wanting to sort her life out.

 

They were in LC as they still had some bills and things to sort. After 5 months of LC, Id say one or two messages per month, they got together and are still together, many years after this occasion. They now have a newborn and just bought a house.

 

My question is, had them gone NC, this probably wouldnt happen.

 

The chances of reconciliation are thin, but my point is that NC may reduce the chances even further.

I get NC is a tool to heal and not a mind game, but is avoiding the other party really the only solution? Wont this avoidance create a ticking bomb that may explode on you down the line when you finally see something on his/hers instagram or bump into each other?

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Well, no. It's not about "avoiding" it's about healthful boundaries that help you move on. Avoiding describes it in terms of the other person and NC is for you as a person. I got back together with my ex fiancee. We're married over 10 years now. We had mostly NC but about once a year or so we emailed about mostly impersonal stuff. I had no cell phone, neither did he for years, no social media then. Yes I ran into friends of his, yes he actually was set up with my friend by a mutual friend (there was some cluelessness there). Not a ticking time bomb. We saw each other once in person about 6 years later for a quick dinner then over a year later again which is when sparks flew much to our surprise.

 

I can tell you that had we had more contact than we did we likely would not be married now. We likely would have felt hurt/weird/sensitive about the people the other one was dating/in relationships with, we wouldn't have had a clean slate which we needed to try again. He didn't want to get back together a month later (I did) because he said it would be awesome for a few weeks then back to our old problems. In hindsight he was right!

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A friend of mine was the dumpee after around 2.5 years and 1 of living together. They were both around 26-27. The reason was mainly due to his GFs being stressed over a new job, the fact his brother and father lived with them and her wanting to sort her life out.

 

My question is, had them gone NC, this probably wouldnt happen.

 

 

If she is the dumper:

 

No.

 

She dumped him, changed her mind, and decided to try again.

 

The LC was about logistics by the sound of it. It did not play a positive role in her changing her mind.

 

Had there been complete no contact, she might have had the chance to miss him properly, suffer some separation anxiety, and there is every chance she would have changed her mind quicker.

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Well, no. It's not about "avoiding" it's about healthful boundaries that help you move on. Avoiding describes it in terms of the other person and NC is for you as a person. I got back together with my ex fiancee. We're married over 10 years now. We had mostly NC but about once a year or so we emailed about mostly impersonal stuff. I had no cell phone, neither did he for years, no social media then. Yes I ran into friends of his, yes he actually was set up with my friend by a mutual friend (there was some cluelessness there). Not a ticking time bomb. We saw each other once in person about 6 years later for a quick dinner then over a year later again which is when sparks flew much to our surprise.

 

I can tell you that had we had more contact than we did we likely would not be married now. We likely would have felt hurt/weird/sensitive about the people the other one was dating/in relationships with, we wouldn't have had a clean slate which we needed to try again. He didn't want to get back together a month later (I did) because he said it would be awesome for a few weeks then back to our old problems. In hindsight he was right!

 

Makes sense, thanks for posting. Its a bit more clear to me why NC is good for both parties. We need to move on and improve, fix some of the mistakes we made as to avoid repeating them in a new relationship. And with constant contact that wouldnt be possible, or would make it more difficult, as we would still be somewhat connected with the past.

 

 

Thanks, I replied there.

 

If she is the dumper:

 

No.

 

She dumped him, changed her mind, and decided to try again.

 

The LC was about logistics by the sound of it. It did not play a positive role in her changing her mind.

 

Had there been complete no contact, she might have had the chance to miss him properly, suffer some separation anxiety, and there is every chance she would have changed her mind quicker.

I guess the bottomline is the cliche “if its meant to be, it will happen”... NC, LC or whatever, doesnt really matter. Its just that with less contact, you probably heal faster.

Thanks again

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At the end of the day there are no rules, though I'd say as long as anyone is thinking about the rules they're doing themselves a disservice by letting their egos drive their ship. NC, LC, and so on: none of that really matters, most of it is a product of the internet.

 

What matters is learning to live in reality and in the present tense, not avoiding it through rumination and fantasy about the past and future, and for many people "NC" is the natural means of reentering reality. It's what people did before cell phones, social media, and internet forums, and it's a pretty healthy way to get back on your feet and re-inhabit your skin.

 

Once back on your feet? Well, who knows what'll happen? People get back together—after a week, after a decade—and often it works out beautifully. Often it doesn't. Often (most often) no one gets back together. You kind of have to get to a point where all those outcomes are okay since none of them are dominating the mind.

 

In my social circle there are a surprisingly large number of married couples who broke up and got back together: four that I can think of, all very happy. In all those cases both parties had let go of the first relationship, lived their lives, ended up back together. The other day one of my friends posted a hilarious photo on social media of when they were first together, a 2 year relationship that ended; 5 years later they got back together. The caption read: "Both clueless we'd be married (to each other) and parents to a fierce little firecracker a decade later. Happy meet-a-versary."

 

I think there's a lot there about celebrating the importance of letting go and moving on to find the right connection. Maybe it's with someone you once knew, maybe not. All good.

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Rules and guidelines in dating and relationships helped me a great deal to balance the head and heart. I was selective in what I chose to follow of course but no I didn't throw all rules out the window. I still don't.

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Rules and guidelines in dating and relationships helped me a great deal to balance the head and heart. I was selective in what I chose to follow of course but no I didn't throw all rules out the window. I still don't.

 

Agree.

 

I meant rules in the context of LC/NC = reconciliation, or basically that trying to follow a rulebook for reconciliation (as opposed to one for dating and being in a relationship) is unlikely to get you anywhere but further stuck in a kind of vertigo that renders you iffy material for dating and relationships, be it with a past love or a future one.

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Agree.

 

I meant rules in the context of LC/NC = reconciliation, or basically that trying to follow a rulebook for reconciliation (as opposed to one for dating and being in a relationship) is unlikely to get you anywhere but further stuck in a kind of vertigo that renders you iffy material for dating and relationships, be it with a past love or a future one.

 

Yes I agree. It requires thinking about the upsides and downsides of being in contact for yourself as a person. Which in turn requires caring about oneself -not just paying lip service to it -but actually showing that you care about yourself.

 

Here's an example - I had a best friend in childhood. We reconnected 30 years later -a dozen years ago - through Facebook. We spoke on the phone regularly, saw each other regularly for a number of summers when I was in our home town. Then she became toxic to me - and after a last straw I cut her off for quite awhile. Then I returned to interacting but only texting with strict boundaries "limited contact". She wasn't toxic but she simply wasn't being a decent friend to me so I kept the boundaries (ok maybe it was a vicious cycle given my boundaries in part) and decided not to chase after her for contact. Last summer after months of not being in touch at all she texted me that she was sorry but she hadn't had time to text lately. Lame. But i interacted and she went MIA yet again. So months later when she texted me Happy New Year -I simply responded "you too" and didn't try to start a conversation.

 

My longwinded back story is to emphasize -in the past I would have started a conversation. Because I didn't care enough about myself -I would have tried to reconnect with her based on her text. This time I realized -no -she doesn't get the benefit of speaking to me if she's going to throw me a bone of "happy new year" - it's a poor use of my time. So -no rules - but I firmly believe in being on top of -for yourself -what your standards and values are so that you react accordingly to someone who was close to you reaching out.

 

(And yes I think friendships are relevant not just romantic relationships).

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You posted the same question last week.

 

She is not in love with you anymore, and so I don't think it would make a difference.

 

Not sure what else I posted that was similar to this’ threads question... I just told my story and got some feedback from people. But nothing specifically asking about how NC can harm the chances of reconciliation.

 

Also there’s still many occasions where people got back together after the “I love you but im not in love with you” line. Just check the “Getting back together really does happen” thread.

 

And while I DO know I ABSOLUTELY MUST let go, its easier said than done and Im sure you may even know that from experience. Im trying...

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Not sure what else I posted that was similar to this’ threads question... I just told my story and got some feedback from people. But nothing specifically asking about how NC can harm the chances of reconciliation.

 

Also there’s still many occasions where people got back together after the “I love you but im not in love with you” line. Just check the “Getting back together really does happen” thread.

 

And while I DO know I ABSOLUTELY MUST let go, its easier said than done and Im sure you may even know that from experience. Im trying...

 

I got back together because I wasn't in love the first time around -or not enough to marry -and I was absolutely the second time around because so much had changed, including myself. Yes it can happen. No I wouldn't hold out hope. Yes if I were you -live your life. Even if it's hard.

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Not sure what else I posted that was similar to this’ threads question... I just told my story and got some feedback from people. But nothing specifically asking about how NC can harm the chances of reconciliation.

 

Also there’s still many occasions where people got back together after the “I love you but im not in love with you” line. Just check the “Getting back together really does happen” thread.

 

And while I DO know I ABSOLUTELY MUST let go, its easier said than done and Im sure you may even know that from experience. Im trying...

 

Sadly, I know of few people that get back together after one falls out of love. From what you have written, she has been moving on from this for some time-She has been fed up for two years. I can definitely relate to the difficulty of letting something go, when one is still in love. It is very painful and things can get desperate.

 

I always find it interesting how the dumpee is finally willing to make the changes after the final break up. She has been telling you how she has felt for a very long time, but you did not care enough to listen and change. Are you certain you really care about this woman,or are simply lonely?

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" But I'm positive she wants to live her own life now and sort what she feels for me, indefinitely.

I guess one of the last drops in the bucket was about 2 months before our breakup, when she went on an international trip with her mother and, she told me after we broke up, she didn't miss me for the week they were traveling, like she didn't even think of me sharing the travel experiences with her. So she kinda saw me as a friend, a brother, and not a spouse anymore."

Please listen to her.

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I got back together because I wasn't in love the first time around -or not enough to marry -and I was absolutely the second time around because so much had changed, including myself. Yes it can happen. No I wouldn't hold out hope. Yes if I were you -live your life. Even if it's hard.

 

Yeah, thats what I plan... move on and stop having hope. Its difficult now, but in time I will get there.

Thanks for the kind reply.

 

Sadly, I know of few people that get back together after one falls out of love. From what you have written, she has been moving on from this for some time-She has been fed up for two years. I can definitely relate to the difficulty of letting something go, when one is still in love. It is very painful and things can get desperate.

 

I always find it interesting how the dumpee is finally willing to make the changes after the final break up. She has been telling you how she has felt for a very long time, but you did not care enough to listen and change. Are you certain you really care about this woman,or are simply lonely?

 

Yeah, I think its only when they leave that you really miss them. I didnt catch the signs or her complaints in time, I didnt perceive them as being an actual issue at the time, not sure why. So yeah, I neglected the relationship and thats on me. But also I cant feel 100% at fault. It takes two to end a relationship. She always tried to change me into what SHE thought was the “right way to be”. So maybe we were just incompatible. And yes, I certainly loved her.

 

I always find it interesting how the dumpee is finally willing to make the changes after the final break up.

Thats why I think its OK to breakup and go back together. You take time to fix what you did wrong and think about how you behaved when you two were together.

Its clear after it ends, not so clear when you are immersed in it.

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Yeah, thats what I plan... move on and stop having hope. Its difficult now, but in time I will get there.

Thanks for the kind reply.

 

 

 

Yeah, I think its only when they leave that you really miss them. I didnt catch the signs or her complaints in time, I didnt perceive them as being an actual issue at the time, not sure why. So yeah, I neglected the relationship and thats on me. But also I cant feel 100% at fault. It takes two to end a relationship. She always tried to change me into what SHE thought was the “right way to be”. So maybe we were just incompatible. And yes, I certainly loved her.

 

 

Thats why I think its OK to breakup and go back together. You take time to fix what you did wrong and think about how you behaved when you two were together.

Its clear after it ends, not so clear when you are immersed in it.

 

I think that you are right: you were not compatible.

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I guess the bottomline is the cliche “if its meant to be, it will happen”... NC, LC or whatever, doesnt really matter. Its just that with less contact, you probably heal faster.

Thanks again

 

Actually, NC probably improves your chances, but improving a very small chance is still a very small chance.

 

It's a bit of a paradox, but has a basis in neuroscience and biology.

 

The best thing you can do to get a person's attention is to withdraw yours; you also use that time to improve yourself so they find a different, more attractive person if they do take another look at you.

 

They don't change their minds very often, and if you have grown and evolved, and they have not, you are likely to tell them to try not to let the door hit them on the backside on their way out. Because past actions are a good predictor of future behavior.

 

As I said in your other thread, it doesn't matter if you start doing it because you think it will get her back. What does matter is that you do not break it after 30 days, or write a handwritten letter, or any of that nonsense.

 

The beauty of it is that it happens to be the best thing you can do for yourself anyway.

 

It's a win/win situation if you do it properly, even for the wrong reasons.

Edited by RayRay63
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How was she trying to change you? Please provide some examples.

 

I don't remember since when she did that, but she always tried to make me an extrovert, to change what I liked and some of my hobbies.

"You have a childish palate" (literal translation - means I tend to like to eat sweet and chidlish things), is something she usually said. I like computer games and to watch some streamers, that was something she jonkingly scorned me as well sometimes. It wasn't all the time and she didn't pick on me, but she did do that a good amount of times. I guess the only hobby I had she actually approved was traveling with my motorcycle. Approved but didn't like it herself, so she almost never went on travels with me.

She would also compain I prefer beer over wine, and tried to make me like it, as well with other kinds of food I didn't like, even though she is also picky with food.

 

I guess she thought I was too childish for her after some time, and I actually am. And that's fine, it happens, and (unfortunately?) the only way to know if you're compatible with someone is to spend some months/years with them. As this wasn't the case, took her 4 years to realize that.

 

 

Actually, NC probably improves your chances, but improving a very small chance is still a very small chance.

 

It's a bit of a paradox, but has a basis in neuroscience and biology.

 

The best thing you can do to get a person's attention is to withdraw yours; you also use that time to improve yourself so they find a different, more attractive person if they do take another look at you.

 

They don't change their minds very often, and if you have grown and evolved, and they have not, you are likely to tell them to try not to let the door hit them on the backside on their way out. Because past actions are a good predictor of future behavior.

 

As I said in your other thread, it doesn't matter if you start doing it because you think it will get her back. What does matter is that you do not break it after 30 days, or write a handwritten letter, or any of that nonsense.

 

The beauty of it is that it happens to be the best thing you can do for yourself anyway.

 

It's a win/win situation if you do it properly, even for the wrong reasons.

 

Agree 100%. Just went into NC this week as most we had to talk about is done. She may come back to ask me about the treadmill I'm selling, but apart from that, no strings attached anymore, thankfuly.

I think it's too soon to say, but it seems that not having anything to do with her anymore already made me feel more at peace, and Im now focusing on finding my identity again.

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