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I wouldn't be okay with this at all.

 

She's becoming emotionally attached to your husband and your husband is allowing it. Both of them are in the wrong and both of them are being disrespectful to you.

 

What can you do about it? Sit down with your husband and talk to him. Not screaming or yelling, tell him that this is upsetting you and that you're not comfortable with him allowing this woman this close into his life.

Ask him if he will tell her to ease up.

 

At the end of the day, it comes down to him, not her. There could be a hundred women texting him and overstepping boundaries, but it's up to him to tell these women to back off and that he's not okay with them getting this close.

If he does not or will not do this, then it's him who has the problem and lack of taking your feelings into consideration and lack of boundaries with other women.

 

The other problem too is, you can't dictate to someone how they behave or what choices they are making. You can talk to him and ask him to stop, but if he does not care enough to bother or get this woman to back away, then he does not care about your feelings.

He is more interested in hers and his own.

 

I hope he does the right thing.

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I wouldn't be okay with this at all.

 

She's becoming emotionally attached to your husband and your husband is allowing it. Both of them are in the wrong and both of them are being disrespectful to you.

 

What can you do about it? Sit down with your husband and talk to him. Not screaming or yelling, tell him that this is upsetting you and that you're not comfortable with him allowing this woman this close into his life.

Ask him if he will tell her to ease up.

 

At the end of the day, it comes down to him, not her. There could be a hundred women texting him and overstepping boundaries, but it's up to him to tell these women to back off and that he's not okay with them getting this close.

If he does not or will not do this, then it's him who has the problem and lack of taking your feelings into consideration and lack of boundaries with other women.

 

The other problem too is, you can't dictate to someone how they behave or what choices they are making. You can talk to him and ask him to stop, but if he does not care enough to bother or get this woman to back away, then he does not care about your feelings.

He is more interested in hers and his own.

 

I hope he does the right thing.

 

Amen, SherrySher. :D

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Of course never doubted or questioned - before you clarified the impression was that somehow you thought it was generally "honorable" not to have friends of the opposite gender. I understand you view it as "honorable" in your marriage.

 

Yes, that's right, Batya33. Honorable in my marriage and my in-laws, too because they set the bar very high which we're emulating. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." :D

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Yes, that's right, Batya33. Honorable in my marriage and my in-laws, too because they set the bar very high which we're emulating. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." :D

 

Yes -for me personally it would reflect a low bar to give up close friendships based on gender just because a person is married. (Assuming the friend is supportive of the marital relationship and the other person has the opportunity to meet him or her). My parents didn't have friends of the opposite gender in the 1950s when they married -it was a different era/different way of socializing so it wouldn't have been an issue. I would have questioned my husband's values if he thought it was ok to cut off a close friendship just because we got married -and I wouldn't have married anyone who wanted me to give up a close friendship just because of the person's gender - because I have a high bar when it comes to friendship. And for me it would reflect a lack of trust on my spouse's part to think that just because I meet a male friend for lunch or catch up by phone etc that it can lead to my betraying my marriage vows. Obviously I wouldn't go "on a date" with a male person or do something that disrespected my marriage vows. What I respect so much is that my husband values close friendships and trusts me and knows that having close friendships is so important to well being and health, etc. My marriage vows did not include giving up close friends.

 

In the OP's case it's different- her husband just met this woman and this woman clearly isn't supportive of his relationship with the OP.

 

I see so many insecure people throw the baby out with the bath water by deciding that any friendship with someone of the opposite gender is inappropriate just because of a past bad experience or because of negative generalizations -usually about men and whether a man and woman can be platonic friends (yup they can, I'm living proof so is my husband). Last weekend I spent time with my female friend and her kids and my son. It was great. How I met her? My husband dated her years ago, they were in the same field, so they kept in touch mostly professionally. He introduced me to her many years ago when we were in the same city for work. She was single. I liked her! Then she married and had kids and we ended up living in the same city a couple of summers in a row so our kids became friends. I cannot imagine having missed the opportunity to be her friend had I told my husband he couldn't keep in touch with her just because they dated in the past. Three of my male friends are people I never dated (and never will). My husband's met two of them and spoke to the other on the phone (business call). No issues there. One of them helped us with computer issues.

 

I write this because I hope the OP is able to figure out what works for her -maybe it's an all out ban but to me what would be the better solution is the harder but more worthwhile effort of being a lot more thoughtful about what is ok with her and what is not so that she doesn't require her current or future partner to forego having any friends just because they are women.

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To keep things on track: The key word is "close" friends. Op's husband just met this women.

 

Yes, I agree- I was responding to the personal opinion that having no friends of the opposite gender sets the bar high and is the honorable thing to do - and yes I went somewhat off topic but I didn't think the OP was asking whether to have a rule of no friends of the opposite gender just whether her partner's interaction with this woman is inappropriate. I think it's very and blatantly inappropriate.

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Yes, I agree- I was responding to the personal opinion that having no friends of the opposite gender sets the bar high and is the honorable thing to do - and yes I went somewhat off topic but I didn't think the OP was asking whether to have a rule of no friends of the opposite gender just whether her partner's interaction with this woman is inappropriate. I think it's very and blatantly inappropriate.

Yes, me too.

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Yes -for me personally it would reflect a low bar to give up close friendships based on gender just because a person is married. (Assuming the friend is supportive of the marital relationship and the other person has the opportunity to meet him or her). My parents didn't have friends of the opposite gender in the 1950s when they married -it was a different era/different way of socializing so it wouldn't have been an issue. I would have questioned my husband's values if he thought it was ok to cut off a close friendship just because we got married -and I wouldn't have married anyone who wanted me to give up a close friendship just because of the person's gender - because I have a high bar when it comes to friendship. And for me it would reflect a lack of trust on my spouse's part to think that just because I meet a male friend for lunch or catch up by phone etc that it can lead to my betraying my marriage vows. Obviously I wouldn't go "on a date" with a male person or do something that disrespected my marriage vows. What I respect so much is that my husband values close friendships and trusts me and knows that having close friendships is so important to well being and health, etc. My marriage vows did not include giving up close friends.

 

In the OP's case it's different- her husband just met this woman and this woman clearly isn't supportive of his relationship with the OP.

 

I see so many insecure people throw the baby out with the bath water by deciding that any friendship with someone of the opposite gender is inappropriate just because of a past bad experience or because of negative generalizations -usually about men and whether a man and woman can be platonic friends (yup they can, I'm living proof so is my husband). Last weekend I spent time with my female friend and her kids and my son. It was great. How I met her? My husband dated her years ago, they were in the same field, so they kept in touch mostly professionally. He introduced me to her many years ago when we were in the same city for work. She was single. I liked her! Then she married and had kids and we ended up living in the same city a couple of summers in a row so our kids became friends. I cannot imagine having missed the opportunity to be her friend had I told my husband he couldn't keep in touch with her just because they dated in the past. Three of my male friends are people I never dated (and never will). My husband's met two of them and spoke to the other on the phone (business call). No issues there. One of them helped us with computer issues.

 

I write this because I hope the OP is able to figure out what works for her -maybe it's an all out ban but to me what would be the better solution is the harder but more worthwhile effort of being a lot more thoughtful about what is ok with her and what is not so that she doesn't require her current or future partner to forego having any friends just because they are women.

 

I do me, you do you. Good for you! :D To each his or her own, Batya33.

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Yes, definitely - it's interesting what different people view as honorable, etc.

 

"Honorable" within the constraints of one's own INDIVIDUAL relationship or marriage. I can't speak for anyone. As for myself, husband and in-laws we do not feel the NEED nor crave any extra friendships. We don't seek, yearn, long nor search for any friends of the opposite gender. We are extremely secure to the hilt and our current friends are within our comfort zone. For us and our social circle, it is the norm as it is for my BFF whom I've known ever since 4th grade, several local female friends and the like. Same with my husband's friends. Occasionally, we'll go out for dinner as a foursome and same with my in-laws. It works.

 

As reiterated, I'm perfectly fine with whatever other couples married or not do as long as it does not involve me nor my loved ones. It's a free country. :D

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"Honorable" within the constraints of one's own INDIVIDUAL relationship or marriage. I can't speak for anyone. As for myself, husband and in-laws we do not feel the NEED nor crave any extra friendships. We don't seek, yearn, long nor search for any friends of the opposite gender. We are extremely secure to the hilt and our current friends are within our comfort zone. For us and our social circle, it is the norm as it is for my BFF whom I've known ever since 4th grade, several local female friends and the like. Same with my husband's friends. Occasionally, we'll go out for dinner as a foursome and same with my in-laws. It works.

 

As reiterated, I'm perfectly fine with whatever other couples married or not do as long as it does not involve me nor my loved ones. It's a free country. :D

 

Yes and a number of your comments implied at least you meant it generally - like the "high" bar your inlaws have who apparently do not have close friends of the opposite gender. That sounded general not individual although it looks like you did not mean it too from what you write here.

 

I think it's fine if a person doesn't want close friends of the opposite gender. Then it's not honorable or "raising the bar" because it's easy to do what you don't want anyway. It's like someone who says they are disciplined at dieting on a low sugar regiment because they don't want anything with processed sugar. That doesn't show any kind of discipline or doing the right thing -the person is doing exactly what they wish. You don't want friends of the opposite gender so it doesn't require any restraint or "doing the right thing" on your part and apparently your husband doesn't either so it's easy peasy.

 

I was talking about a separate issue - the OP's issue - her issue is her partner does want to be friendly with someone who is a woman. That person is disrespecting their relationship and he is not having proper boundaries with her. But if he does in general want close friends of the opposite gender and if she does then they will work out what they are comfortable doing. And if one of them chooses to make a sacrifice and give up a friend who is the opposite gender then yes that person would be showing his partner he is willing to do the right thing for the relationship. We all make some compromises and sacrifices for our partners and families. In the OP's case I think he should cut off contact with this woman who apparently would like to be close friends and also wants to flirt and be able to send him inappropriate texts and pictures. She is not a good candidate for a close friend of his since he is in a committed relationship and their interactions are inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.

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Yes and a number of your comments implied at least you meant it generally - like the "high" bar your inlaws have who apparently do not have close friends of the opposite gender. That sounded general not individual although it looks like you did not mean it too from what you write here.

 

I think it's fine if a person doesn't want close friends of the opposite gender. Then it's not honorable or "raising the bar" because it's easy to do what you don't want anyway. It's like someone who says they are disciplined at dieting on a low sugar regiment because they don't want anything with processed sugar. That doesn't show any kind of discipline or doing the right thing -the person is doing exactly what they wish. You don't want friends of the opposite gender so it doesn't require any restraint or "doing the right thing" on your part and apparently your husband doesn't either so it's easy peasy.

 

I was talking about a separate issue - the OP's issue - her issue is her partner does want to be friendly with someone who is a woman. That person is disrespecting their relationship and he is not having proper boundaries with her. But if he does in general want close friends of the opposite gender and if she does then they will work out what they are comfortable doing. And if one of them chooses to make a sacrifice and give up a friend who is the opposite gender then yes that person would be showing his partner he is willing to do the right thing for the relationship. We all make some compromises and sacrifices for our partners and families. In the OP's case I think he should cut off contact with this woman who apparently would like to be close friends and also wants to flirt and be able to send him inappropriate texts and pictures. She is not a good candidate for a close friend of his since he is in a committed relationship and their interactions are inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.

 

I would say that most definitely, my in-laws set the honorable bar very high because unfortunately, on both sides of the family tree, there is rampant divorce which is the statistic and so commonplace. It's really inescapable and no different than society. Let's see . . . Regarding separation and / or divorce, there are my maternal grandparents, my parents, sister, aunts, uncles and cousins and their spouses. On my husband's side, there are sisters and brothers-in-law, cousins, aunts, uncles and their spouses. Then there are countless friends and acquaintances ~ all divorced. My in-laws and us (husband and me) broke the mold and defied all odds which is rare these days. We must be doing something right. :D

 

Honestly, between everyone holding down full-time employment, sustaining households and families, we really don't have time nor energy for any extra friendships. Our schedules are limited and quite packed. Therefore, we're fortunate to retain the friends we have. These friends go way back, too. Our children grew up together.

 

We generally socialize with those whom we have a lot in common with whether it's religion, mutual values, similar socioeconomic background, demographics and beliefs. This is our comfort zone. Birds of a feather flock together.

 

I'm fine regarding what other couples do, their friendships with the opposite gender and the like. I really don't care though. What they do is what they do and I do what I do. It's plain and simple.

 

Regarding the OP, she needs to discuss her issues with her husband. I hope it works out for them. I really do.

 

I remember when my husband was enrolled in grad school when our sons were young and during his group projects, the group conferred with each other regarding course work and that's that.

 

I will tell you though, there was this one woman who contacted my husband many years post-grad school and she kept addressing my husband as "Brother- _____" (insert first name in blank) which was really weird. :eek: She was a very chummy "Chatty Kathy," always sent him daily messages and he was polite. I saw their dialogue with my own eyes and even though it was innocuous enough, what am I? Chopped liver? After many years of toil, blood, sweat and tears invested into my marriage, I deserve RESPECT. I am the mother of his children. My husband took it upon himself and wrote this to her: "With all due respect to my wife and marriage, I'm ceasing daily, regular correspondence with you." Apparently, she didn't like it and abruptly unfriended him. :tongue: Ha! Good riddance! We didn't argue over this and we're peaceful.

 

To be clear with you, Batya33. If my husband and I had a MUTUAL agreement regarding friendships with the opposite gender, frequent electronic correspondence (texts, messages, emails, phone conversations), met them regularly for lunch, dinner, outings and the like, I would definitely be on board. However, since none of us engage in friendships with the opposite gender, fair is fair and we are equal.

 

This opposite gender thing is very individual and based upon each couple. If other couples enjoy being with the opposite gender, by all means, go for it! :D We are doing quite well, thank you very much as long as opposite gender friendships do NOT involve me nor my husband.

 

Anyway, my husband starts getting ready for work at 4AM Monday through Friday, endures his long commute, reports to work by approximately 6:15AM and he's exhausted. I too have my full time employment and family priorities which leaves little time for anyone else. Life takes over.

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Yes. I understand people have different priorities - and you didn't dump close friends just because they were of the opposite gender. The woman who contacted your husband is not an example of a friendship. It's a person who is contacting another person in a one sided way and is acting in a way that is disrespectful of that person's marriage and clueless about soclal cues. Nothing to do with being developing or maintaining a friendship.

I will always make time for close friends and probably always look to make more close friends (as well as regular friends -I believe in having a nice sized network of people especially if one or both spouses works -never know when you might need a new job/connections, etc). I've met too many women who dismissed their friends as people they hung out with when they 'partied" in their 20s but once they were married the friends were chopped liver. The whole smug married thing. I don't relate to not making time for close friends because of marriage and children or limiting friendships to other married people with children. I'm not judging it just for me it would be way too narrow a way to live and too much sameness. Same with limiting potential friendships to just one gender (although some do for religious reasons). You and your husband don't prioritize meeting new people or making new friends. Totally your call. It's not really about whether you have enough time -it's about priorities. That's what it sounds like to me.

 

I agree that if there is tons of divorce in your families aspiring to be a happy and stable couple is aspiring to a higher road/path in comparison.

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Yes. I understand people have different priorities - and you didn't dump close friends just because they were of the opposite gender. The woman who contacted your husband is not an example of a friendship. It's a person who is contacting another person in a one sided way and is acting in a way that is disrespectful of that person's marriage and clueless about soclal cues. Nothing to do with being developing or maintaining a friendship.

I will always make time for close friends and probably always look to make more close friends (as well as regular friends -I believe in having a nice sized network of people especially if one or both spouses works -never know when you might need a new job/connections, etc). I've met too many women who dismissed their friends as people they hung out with when they 'partied" in their 20s but once they were married the friends were chopped liver. The whole smug married thing. I don't relate to not making time for close friends because of marriage and children or limiting friendships to other married people with children. I'm not judging it just for me it would be way too narrow a way to live and too much sameness. Same with limiting potential friendships to just one gender (although some do for religious reasons). You and your husband don't prioritize meeting new people or making new friends. Totally your call. It's not really about whether you have enough time -it's about priorities. That's what it sounds like to me.

 

I agree that if there is tons of divorce in your families aspiring to be a happy and stable couple is aspiring to a higher road/path in comparison.

 

There are only so many hours in a day. I wish I had the energy for a ton of friends. However, my husband and I are tired. After working two full time jobs, enduring long commutes, sustaining a house in suburbia, raising families, extra curricular activities and the whole lot, we've since ran out of steam. I admire those with lots of friends. After tending to the needs of the world, my husband and I prefer to do our own thing. We have friends and it's just right.

 

As for the OP, I can somewhat relate as my story is similar. Put your foot down just like I did. There are parallels regarding my story and yours. I hope it works for you, OP.

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