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Fearful my best friend will be killed by her new love interest


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Hey everyone. I'm having an issue right now with my best friend. We're both in our mid 20's and have been best friends since we were 14. She recently met this 31 yr old guy at her job, he doesn't work there but he's friends with another employee and comes in daily to hang around his friend and my best friend. They've known eachother for a little over a month. From what I've heard from her and the texts I've read between them, he is VERY verbally abusive towards her and basically any woman he's ever been involved with. He will call her and other girls wh*res, b*tches, a ret*rd, etc.... very degrading names and MUCH more horrible things. He has joked about running her over in his truck, punching her in the mouth, knocking her teeth out, raping her, etc... They've hooked up a couple of times outside of work over the last few weeks and she is obsessed with him, will not stop talking about how great he is in bed, etc. She knows he is disrespectful towards her but continues to see him.

 

I'm very worried because he refuses to give out his full name to her, but I found out his last name by searching his phone number online. I found an article from 10 years ago, he kidnapped a girl, punched her in the face, and attempted to rape her and was charged and sent to jail not for long. He claims it was his "cousin" who happens to have the same name... Obviously a lie, but dispite EVERYTHING he says to her that is abusive, all the proof, etc, she still tells me she "doesn't get that vibe from him" and isn't afraid of him. She tells me she needs to hear it from his mouth of what he did to that girl 10 years ago for her to walk away from him. I don't think she would even if he told her.

 

She tells me at work, he will come in and call her names right in front of coworkers and customers. He will talk sh*t about her to his friends right in front of her at her job and she ends up crying over it and he claims he needs to treat her like sh*t at work just so his friends won't suspect that he is sleeping with her. I told her that's bullsh*t. He has a wife, kids, and another girlfriend and says if anybody found out he would kill her. I just got back from seeing her tonight, she was very intoxicated crying to me in her car about how she hates her life and doesn't care anymore about what happens to her. She also has a boyfriend (sort of) It's her child's father she lives with who also doesn't treat her very good. She feels trapped she said.

 

She has unproteced sex with this new guy and tells me she really doesn't care if she catches an STD because she's going to "die anyways"... I don't know what to do...

 

I feel helpless. I have so much anxiety after seeing her. I'm worried about her, because she only just started seeing him and it's already so bad. She told me she hopes they keep hooking up for at least another year or two. Everything I've said to her tonight about how she is worth so much and this guy is an actual psycho, she says she knows and she knows something bad will happen but she literally tells me she doesn't care at all. I don't know what to do. I don't want her getting hurt by this guy, or killed. She jokes saying "If I go missing, you know who it was."

 

She has a really low self esteem right now, over the past few years. I know she's doing this bc she doesn't care about herself and I know only she can help herself. I just hate stanidng by and seeing it. I was in an abusive relationship and got out 2 years ago and have been single and healing by myself ever since, so seeing her in this breaks my heart. :icon_sad:

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I’m so sorry op that you’re having to watch this happen to your friend. Unfortunately you can’t help much with someone who won’t get help for their situation. She has an unhealthy taking to this guy no matter how poorly he treats her. She needs to be the one to wake up from the spell he has her under. She honestly sounds depressed and suicidal with not caring if he kills her.

 

I don’t know what you can do about her suicidal ideation. Unfortunately authorities don’t get involved unless something happens like she goes missing.

 

I would just continue to set a good example for her and show her she has a way out of being with him.

 

Unfortunately you can’t save someone who wants to drown.

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The more you badmouth him, no matter how truthful, the more you will push her toward him. So do beware of that. I've been in your shoes and know how difficult of a situation this is. Problem is that you can't stop her from doing what she is doing and the more you talk negatively about him, the more impossible it will be for her to reach out to you when/if she finally decides to get away from him for fear of "I told you so."

 

The best thing you can do for her is tell her that should she ever find herself in a situation where she needs help, needs to be picked up, get out, etc. to call you regardless of what time of day or night and you'll come get her and no questions asked, no comments, no I told you so's whatsoever. The latter is critical.

 

Other than that, to preserve your own sanity and what's left of your friendship, back away a bit and make him a topic you don't discuss at all. When the pressure is off, she might just start waking up and realizing for herself that this guy is a psycho disaster.....but don't hold your breath that it will happen any time soon. My friend took 1.8 years to wake up and make that call one night.

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She knows he's bad, she knows you don't approve, but at the end of the day, she is an adult and can make her own decisions, good or bad. My BFF ended up marrying a loser, I saw her life go down hill, but I just distanced myself. I kept in touch, but there were times we wouldn't talk for months. I think you should do the same thing. You can speak your mind and tell her you cannot support this, and be supportive if she needs it BUT for your own mental health, you are better off staying out of it and detach for awhile.

 

I understand the above post says to go above and beyond for your friend, but sometimes that can have repercussions, and enable the behavior rather than help. If she takes advantage of this, you will be repeatedly bombarded with the drama and a friend that won't take your advice stressing you out more because you will feel helpless/frustrated.

 

Just to add, I would be fearful for you if you got way too involved. If he is as violent as you say, who's to say he won't do something to you?

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I find it very odd that he comes into where she works and her boss does nothing to kick his arse out of there. What kind of business allows such disrespect to go on to one of their employees?

 

FWIW: Your friend is the author of her own misfortune and all YOU should be doing is collecting some information on good therapists in your area and suggesting to her that she get herself started in therapy that will, hopefully help her to realize that getting herself addicted to the sex from an abuser loser who is cheating on his wife isn't what she needs to be bringing into her life. If she can't do it for herself, then she should at least do it for her daughter who does not need an abusive d-bag in her life but she does need a mother with a good sense of self-respect, confidence and love of self... all of which she is currently lacking in.

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Sadly she is playing with fire. Does she have drug /drinking problems? Why does she choose these characters? All you can do is give her info about domestic violence, abusive relationships, etc. Tell her to call 911 in an emergency.

 

You need to walk away. Your past is making this a situation you should not be involved in. You are over-involved and not objective. She is not you and you need to focus on your own situation and your own recovery.

She also has a boyfriend. It's her child's father she lives with who also doesn't treat her very good. She feels trapped she said.
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Seriously, is this the length a woman will go to because they found someone that will scratch their itch?

 

At some point, a person has to realize that the price is not worth it.

 

AND realize that someone healthy, normal, and not dangerous can do the same thing.

 

Your friend is sucking you down her rabbit hole.

 

You might want to back away from the friendship after stating your ability to help, but not to be her agony aunt.

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I had a cousin who married a bad guy and my sister is married to a jerk. I'm no longer in hero mode for neither of them because it's not my problem. I pray for them from afar, wish them well and all the best but there's nothing I can do nor can your for your distressed friend. It's out of your control and it's NOT your life. Your friend is a big girl and she is responsible for her own life however way she wishes to navigate it. It's not within your power to do anything.

 

Most of all, never allow other people's personal battles, turmoil, strife or misery become your problems. Everyone has enough troubles of their own and we're all very busy trying to survive and keep our heads above the water let alone take on other people's insurmountable problems.

 

I made the huge mistake of trying to help my neighbor who married an alcoholic and did everything for her with bringing homemade meals to her doorstep, took walks, house sat and knocked myself out for her. I did the same for my cousin and sister until I burned out. Also, we had arguments because I was too involved in their lives while trying to "help" them with their personal problems. That was my mistake! Never again.

 

Whenever other people have problems, I can listen but I don't get involved in their personal lives anymore.

 

I have a friend with too many problems which reads like a Greek tragedy and I've since backed off. Her stress transformed into my stress and I need to take care of my mental and physical health. We're not estranged but we're not close anymore. We're less than acquaintances now and it saved my sanity.

 

You can't be everything to everybody. There comes a time when you need to distance yourself in order to save your own sanity, take care of your overall health and well being. You can still pray for her and have compassion without getting involved in another person's messy life.

 

You also need to think of your own survival. Often times associating with the wrong people and hanging out with the wrong crowd will ultimately endanger your life and put your life at risk. You're no longer safe due to being with dark and shady characters through your friend, your friend's love interest and his friends. You need to learn to steer clear and protect yourself. Be wise.

 

There's nothing more important than your own personal survival. You need to let her live her own life while you move on and live yours for your own safety and peace of mind. Your mental and physical health comes first.

 

You can lead her to the authorities for professional help but after that, you need to let go of her so she can live her life and so you can live yours safely.

 

You need to choose better friends who are sound, stable and secure. Let go of friends who are a train wreck. They're the ones who made poor choices and you need to let them cope with their consequences. Disassociate yourself from her. She spells trouble for you. In the meantime, you need to run for the hills! :eek:

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You can't save someone from themselves, unfortunately.

 

She knows you are worried and don't want her around this man. But if she doesn't care and is hell-bent on destroying her own life, there is really very little you can do but steer her toward resources to help her should she ever decide she can't continue seeing him. I would not cut her out completely, as she may one day genuinely need your help getting away from him, but I would take a big step back lest this man turn his ire on you if he thinks you're trying to interfere.

 

I am curious how he gets away with being such a horrible jerk at her workplace. Where is her boss while he is abusing her in front of everyone?

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She works overnight and he is friends with one of the overnight managers who doesn't do anything at all. They all allow this to happen at the store, nobody gives a single sh*t. It's disappointing. it happens all right in front of the manager.

 

Is this what she is telling you, or are you hearing this from a third party? Have you actually seen this happen?

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I'd tell her that we can speak about anything in the world except for this guy. If she ever wants my help to extricate herself from him, she can let me know, but unless and until then, I don't want to discuss him. I'd give her the hotline number of your local woman's shelter and domestic violence agency after calling them myself to learn what steps I can take in the event that she will accept my help.

 

The reason for this is to avoid being the pressure valve that releases her stress when she complains about him. That only serves to embed her more deeply in the problem, because she'll feel better, you'll feel worse, and nothing will change. Skip that. I'd make it known that I'm concerned about her and her choice to deal with this guy, but while I'm willing to support her in making better decisions, I'm not willing to make it easier for her to do something that I don't want her to do.

 

If she's ever out, I'm in. Until then, I don't want to hear about him.

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I'd tell her that we can speak about anything in the world except for this guy. If she ever wants my help to extricate herself from him, she can let me know, but unless and until then, I don't want to discuss him. I'd give her the hotline number of your local woman's shelter and domestic violence agency after calling them myself to learn what steps I can take in the event that she will accept my help.

 

The reason for this is to avoid being the pressure valve that releases her stress when she complains about him. That only serves to embed her more deeply in the problem, because she'll feel better, you'll feel worse, and nothing will change. Skip that. I'd make it known that I'm concerned about her and her choice to deal with this guy, but while I'm willing to support her in making better decisions, I'm not willing to make it easier for her to do something that I don't want her to do.

 

If she's ever out, I'm in. Until then, I don't want to hear about him.

 

This is exactly right.

 

Also if you push she may question your motives. Hell, Im questioning them, like I said there’s a lot going on, you can’t save someone by sacrificing your own mental health, btw

 

Again all this is a giant disaster that you don’t particularly need, let her know you will be there for her when she is ready to leave until then the anxiety and stress as well as I’m sure triggers she’s adding to your life simply isn’t fair, at the end of the day she chose all this, she has to fight her demons, you have your own.

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She works overnight and he is friends with one of the overnight managers who doesn't do anything at all. They all allow this to happen at the store, nobody gives a single sh*t. It's disappointing. it happens all right in front of the manager.

 

Then she should tape it and then report it to the head office of the company. What is wrong with her (and you) that she would allow this for herself and you would continue to try and save her when she clearly doesn't give a sh*t about HERSELF. "It's disappointing?" My dear, it is much more nefarious and telling about the state of her mind (and yours) then that. A person who has good self-worth would not allow any of this for themselves. They would not allow a manager to permit such abuse upon themselves without taking further action.

 

She needs professional, ongoing help and you would be doing yourself a favor to do the same if what *Figureitou23* says about your issues.

 

This is serious business that you both need to come to terms with and learn to love yourselves so that you can be good, happy citizens of this world.

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She works overnight and he is friends with one of the overnight managers who doesn't do anything at all. They all allow this to happen at the store, nobody gives a single sh*t. It's disappointing. it happens all right in front of the manager.

 

And nobody reports this crap to head office???

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The reason she doesn't tell anybody is because she's afraid for her life. She's telling me he is threatening to kill her if she ever tells anybody what he has told her. Things I can't even repeat on her, things he can go to jail for that she knows and has seen videos of. She feels she can't do anything.

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