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My Wife Emotional Relation with another Men; What would help?


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Did your wife agree to this?

 

Yes She has agreed to this condition;

This is a must requirement before we can get back on the same page to look at where we need to put our attention and to make positive gestures toward each other.

 

Once she is over her limerence or So called Fog; and then we can make big advances toward reconciliation; We need to put each other first and make walls around our relation that no outsider can penetrate.

 

Definition of Affair Fog and what my fight is against:

 

Soon the cheating spouse begins to actually believe these lies that they have been telling themselves and therefore act accordingly by treating their spouse badly yet treating their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. This is how the affair addiction begins to take momentum.

 

An affair fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. All the wonderful qualities each partner possess are without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. The affair partners are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to a teenager in love, and unfortunately it is very difficult to remove them from this fog.

 

 

 

 

•Memory Distortion. One way to make us feel better about our current choices is by changing the story of our past. Many betrayed spouses have experienced this method of truth-shifting when their husbands/wives rewrite their marriage history, making is something worse than it was. More quotes from Mistakes Were Made*: "Self-serving memory distortion [is a way of] 'getting what you want by revising what you had.' On the larger stage of the life cycle, many of us do just that: We misremember our history as being worse than it was, thus distorting our perception of how much we have improved, to feel better about ourselves now." "False memories allow us to forgive ourselves and justify our mistakes, but sometimes at a high price: an inability to take responsibility for our lives."

•Gaslighting. In an attempt to protect their unstable account of events, some will resort to a strategy of manipulation to confuse the betrayed spouse in such a way as to make them question their memory, even their sanity. This form of mental abuse is often referred to as “gaslighting,” a term derived from the 1938 play, Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife that she is insane by manipulating her experience of reality.

Edited by canadien
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Hello guys;

So now she says that we should have normal relation with this cousins family; She says that we do not have to get involved like before but at least give them similar attention as the other cousins; biggest quirk about all this is that he has two young daughters and other cousins have young children as well; So, they want my son to be involved with family.

 

I think this has to do with Children Birthday party and other celebration that parents make and she wants to get on the program of inviting and visiting them for Birthday and other celebration like Christmas party;

 

What do you guys think? What is the best response to this request?

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Your kids deserve to be involved with their aunts, uncles, cousins.

I think this has to do with Children Birthday party and other celebration that parents make and she wants to get on the program of inviting and visiting them for Birthday and other celebration like Christmas party
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Your kids deserve to be involved with their aunts, uncles, cousins.

 

I have no Problem getting involved with cousin and friends that have platonic relation with my wife; Yet, is this my responsibility to get involved with this particular cousin who had an Emotional affair with my wife?

 

As for my wife it seems she got used to venting at this particular cousin about our family and her work problems and the cousin was mirroring her expectation and beliefs; He had nothing to lose by agreeing with her; In return he said really negative stuff about his own wife and all of a sudden they both seemed to be in a bad marriages whose partner was not paying attention to them.

 

From my perspective; It seems I was living in a house with my Mom and Brother; so, I took more balanced approach and tried to show both positive and negative aspect of my Moms conservative View points and this created her to get that much aggressive and distant from me and closer to her AP; she was stuck in a bad situation and he was guiding her out of misery according to her.

 

I put this particular concern to my cousin last Year as I saw her pulling away from me; and his reply was to just let her go vent to him and he will guide her out of the Depression or negative thinking that she got herself into; Yet, what happened was the more he agreed and let her vent without stopping her, she started to idolize him and that made her fall in love with him; She said he is such a great listener and blamed me for being aggressive during our talks.

 

Was I wrong in trusting family friend? How to make her understand the dynamics which led to her getting attached to him? How do I give her assurance that our life will be OK without going to him? Any guidance regarding this? How do I help her stop addiction for going to him for help?

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What does the marriage counselor say about your questions?

 

The Marriage councilor advice is to get the cousin out of our life completely; They are finding ways to connect to each other and continue their emotional attachment to each other by getting involved and doing all the vacation, and fun activities together.

 

She said that if I get out of the picture than it will make harder to keep and maintain contact; So just do not enable social meeting and activities with this particular cousin.

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She already told you, you do not listen, it's an arranged and very unhappy marriage, she wants to confide in someone because she can't talk to you without an argument, accusations, jealous paranoia, controlling behavior, etc.

 

Also you're the one flirting and talking at length with Her cousin (this guy's wife), and all you do is concoct schemes with his wife to put trackers on their phones etc. Why not stop your emotional affair with her cousin?

 

The therapist did not tell you to keep your kids away from their aunts, uncles or cousins. That is your idea.

They are finding ways to connect to each other and continue their emotional attachment to each other by getting involved and doing all the vacation, and fun activities together.
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She already told you, you do not listen, it's an arranged and very unhappy marriage, she wants to confide in someone because she can't talk to you without an argument, accusations, jealous paranoia, controlling behavior, etc.

 

Also you're the one flirting and talking at length with Her cousin (this guy's wife), and all you do is concoct schemes with his wife to put trackers on their phones etc. Why not stop your emotional affair with her cousin?

 

The therapist did not tell you to keep your kids away from their aunts, uncles or cousins. That is your idea.

 

 

Hey there Wiseman;

So over the weekend I had a nice breakthrough from my wife side;

 

She said that she is stunned and astonished that I accepted the Baby; She says that she is grateful for my understanding and no man would accept such a condition.

 

She said she took steps out of depression and desperation as she though that I would never accept such a condition to use the cousin as a Sperm donor; She says that she misjudged me and all this happened because she was afraid how I would react to her actions.

 

And, all the things she did was out of getting triggered as I kept going to forums and friends about her bad actions; she became triggered and in return went back to cousin thinking he could heal her from the stress that I was inflicting on her daily.

 

She still says that I should talk to cousin as he was forced into action without bad intentions and we have bad impressions about each other due to circumstances that put us in Hostage situation against our emotions.

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Wait...what? He is going to be a sperm donor to your wife so she can have a baby? Are you not able to father children?

 

 

So, Ya I was having fertility issues with low sperm count two years ago; and my younger brothers wife got pregnant at the time; due to family related stress my wife got depressed and desperate for similar results.

 

What ended up happening was she used my cousin as a Sperm donor, and at the time she was afraid of my reaction; she thought I would not accept such things due to conservative lifestyle and culture we come from; that in affect made her keep this information away from me.

 

So, for the last two years my wife was getting closer to my cousin with very strong emotional connection due to this little secret; As you guys can see I moved mountains and could not figure out this scenario until the end when I decided to do the DNA test; she broke down at that point and told me what had happened.

 

I think some users were warning me about invading into my wife privacy with GPS tracker and trying to stop communication with this particular cousin; Yet, I was caught in a firestorm where I was seeing my wife drifting away from me and I had to find a way to get her back.

 

I still have a lot of work to do as that cousin became the source for all her emotional support; and now I am doing my best to connect to her by paying attention and doing my part.

 

What can help my wife to let go of Cousins emotional connection she built? How do I make her believe to trust in me and bring confidence in our marriage.

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So who's this affair with? Your sperm donating cousin now or what you initially claimed, her cousin's husband? Are there 2 affairs now?

 

Your cousin AND who you initially accused her of having an affair with? Are affairs that common in unhappy barren arranged marriage?

 

Was this sperm donation in vitro or in person?

Edited by Wiseman2
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So who's this affair with? Your sperm donating cousin now or what you initially claimed, her cousin's husband? Are there 2 affairs now?

 

Your cousin AND who you initially accused her of having an affair with? Are affairs that common in unhappy barren arranged marriage?

 

Was this sperm donation in vitro or in person?

 

 

 

This is the same cousins husband; Initially, they were accusing of being jealous of their friendship and it was only Platonic and I was getting Paranoid over nothing; by putting VAR in the car I was able to get to know their day to day conversations; and understood at that time that my cousins husband became more important than me and they were in love and my wife was in total Limerence over this cousins Husband.

 

They could have continued this for long term if I had not been disturbed by their long conversations over late in the night and secret meetings; The Emotional connection was getting more stronger by the day.

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You're changing your story. You originally said it was your wife's cousin's husband, then you said the sperm donor was YOUR cousin, now you're back to saying it's her cousin's husband.

 

What's going on here?

 

"What ended up happening was she used my cousin as a Sperm donor"

 

"This is the same cousins husband"

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So the child you have is her cousin's husband's child or your cousin's child? Is it from an affair or from in vitro?

What ended up happening was she used my cousin as a Sperm donor. I decided to do the DNA test

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You're changing your story. You originally said it was your wife's cousin's husband, then you said the sperm donor was YOUR cousin, now you're back to saying it's her cousin's husband.

 

What's going on here?

 

"What ended up happening was she used my cousin as a Sperm donor"

 

"This is the same cousins husband"

 

 

 

Its very simple; Its the same guy my cousins husband; It seems his wife asked for her independence and he became distant from her while my wife took her place for emotional support for him; Problem is they never asked if I was OK with this set up..

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Its very simple; Its the same guy my cousins husband; It seems his wife asked for her independence and he became distant from her while my wife took her place for emotional support for him; Problem is they never asked if I was OK with this set up..

 

Nope. You said this before: "

He is the Husband of my wife's cousin from India"

 

Now you're saying he's YOUR cousin.

 

Which is it??? And why change the story?

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Are you guys sane?

 

whats the difference between cousin and cousins husband?

 

Both are same terms; we know this family from India; so relations are all over, maybe you guys are not familiar with south Indian family structure; We usually marry into our own last name that means most people are connected one way or another.

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So the child you have is her cousin's husband's child or your cousin's child? Is it from an affair or from in vitro?

 

I have no proof; she said the cousins husband assured her that he will never make claim for the child and she took his words as true; She said that she knows his character and he will never make wrong decision for her.

 

Problem for me is she wants him to meet my Baby now; and this will create more emotional entanglement that I am not ready for; How to answer this request?

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It depends. Is the child from them having sex within an affair or from them using his sperm for in virto fertilization? When is he (your cousin her cousin'd husband, whoever) is he visiting? Do you have a choice? Wouldn't it seem weird to the rest of your family if you refuse family gatherings?

Problem for me is she wants him to meet my Baby now; and this will create more emotional entanglement that I am not ready for; How to answer this request?

Edited by Wiseman2
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It depends. Is the child from them having sex within an affair or from them using his sperm for in virto fertilization? When is he (your cousin her cousin'd husband, whoever) is he visiting? Do you have a choice? Wouldn't it seem weird to the rest of your family if you refuse family gatherings?

 

This family is extended and we really do not have to see them if we choose to avoid them completely; His wife wants nothing to do with us anymore.

 

Its just my wife saying we should keep him In contact incase some medical emergency for the baby and he is required because my baby shares his genes; and he feel special love for the baby according to her; She says that he is innocent in all this and should not be punished this way; he only had good intentions for us according to her.

 

So, should I meet him secretly with my baby?

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