ninjabib Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 OP's wife is using this other man to fulfill her emotional needs at the expense of her husband who is now shut out of his marriage. I would leave her. She's had chance after chance to end her bad behaviour but persists so i'd go for divorce. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 It's true you have significant marital problems that's why you are going to marriage therapy. However whatever she is doing to compensate for your behavior is as damaging as your behavior itself. Was this an arranged marriage? Why is she not allowed to talk to male family members? You are both destroying it with mistrust and she is checked out. Problem is, she can't talk to you. Do you work? How do you have time to police her every move, conversation etc? Isn't that exhausting? All for what? Because she's talking to her cousin-in-law? They are talking to each other, not having an affair. Perhaps she is trying to find a way out of the marriage with the help of her extended family. That is why they talk. She needs to get away from you. That would be the best solution for both of you.She just finished her maternity leave of 1 year. Do i just die inside me while watching them keep meeting and talking to each other? Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 OP's wife is using this other man to fulfill her emotional needs at the expense of her husband who is now shut out of his marriage. I would leave her. She's had chance after chance to end her bad behaviour but persists so i'd go for divorce. Now I need to be careful about this; everybody warned about this scenario and we are from conservative family. I just need something to make her stop and understand what I am telling her; she just assumes that someone is guiding me to take this action. She said i am cheating her by coming to forum to share this information, is this cheating? Again yesterday, she said she was busy with so many things and was losing her mind in fraustration, and then what i find is another meeting with him upon checking my tracker; how do i make her stop lying? Link to comment
ninjabib Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Theres nothing you can do to make her stop. You have asked her, the therapist had asked her. She enjoys this mans company at the expense of you and your family togehter. When she is continually lying and avoiding to meet with you to solely meet this other man it's time to call it a day. Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 Theres nothing you can do to make her stop. You have asked her, the therapist had asked her. She enjoys this mans company at the expense of you and your family togehter. When she is continually lying and avoiding to meet with you to solely meet this other man it's time to call it a day. Right now no one in my or her family know about this scenario; she always used me to go out with him and because i was there no one asked or questioned. But both her and my mom saw great concern when they saw the third guy; at that time i took responsibility and said that i am allowing this to happen as i wanted to protect her virtue and said that i was ok when her mom saw her talking to this guy; this will break so many families if i back away so how do i move forward; she said she will get me in big trouble if i do anything irrational and told me to watch my steps. Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 It's true you have significant marital problems that's why you are going to marriage therapy. However whatever she is doing to compensate for your behavior is as damaging as your behavior itself. Was this an arranged marriage? Why is she not allowed to talk to male family members? You are both destroying it with mistrust and she is checked out. Problem is, she can't talk to you. Do you work? How do you have time to police her every move, conversation etc? Isn't that exhausting? All for what? Because she's talking to her cousin-in-law? They are talking to each other, not having an affair. Perhaps she is trying to find a way out of the marriage with the help of her extended family. That is why they talk. She needs to get away from you. That would be the best solution for both of you. So i allow her to go with the other guy? OK, are u married? Whats your story anyways? I would not even allow my brother to spend this much time with my wife so why is it ok to spend with some random cousin we did not even know existed until two years ago. I accept i need to pay more attention and i need to work on my communication to my wife but how can i do that while the third guy is between us. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Why must she be isolated from her family? Are you feeling ignored? With or without her cousin, there were and still are many problems. But stop calling it infidelity, when it's just that she seems to prefer confiding in her family rather than you. How can she talk to a controlling possessive husband who never trusts her? All you want to talk about is how you are tracking her. I would not even allow my brother to spend this much time with my wife so why is it ok to spend with some random cousin Link to comment
ninjabib Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Right now no one in my or her family know about this scenario; she always used me to go out with him and because i was there no one asked or questioned. But both her and my mom saw great concern when they saw the third guy; at that time i took responsibility and said that i am allowing this to happen as i wanted to protect her virtue and said that i was ok when her mom saw her talking to this guy; this will break so many families if i back away so how do i move forward; she said she will get me in big trouble if i do anything irrational and told me to watch my steps. So you either stay together and accept her emotional cheating and be miserable for the rest of your life or you leave her. 2 choices. Choose one. Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 Why must she be isolated from her family? Are you feeling ignored? With or without her cousin, there were and still are many problems. But stop calling it infidelity, when it's just that she seems to prefer confiding in her family rather than you. How can she talk to a controlling possessive husband who never trusts her? All you want to talk about is how you are tracking her. If you are smart than tell me me how i can stop her from constantly calling and meeting him? This person we did not even know until two years ago and she has so many more cousins; so why only him? Is it not an affair if your wife talk 90% of the time to one guy? He has a wife too; He has already checked out from his wife emotionally; I never talk to her but every time we all meet for family gathering his wife mentions openly how irritating it is when he stays down stairs talking to my wife while she is waiting for him in the bedroom; He has always avoided going to his home by making excuses like going to Gym or Overtime work. He has given up on his marriage and they want me to do the same; If he is such a great guys then why he can not solve his own problem? Why is it that someone can solve another person problem but can not solve their own? He has condition on his marriage that his wife will take care of two daughters until they are 11 years old and then he will take over; so, he has no responsibility at home as his wife does all the grocery shopping and take care of his parents too; So I see her busy with all extracurricular activity while he is meeting my wife. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 What things is she asking you to do that she says she's getting from him? Are they reasonable things? Why do you refuse to do them? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Understandably with your marriage in this much trouble you are afraid she is going to leave you. Perhaps she is planning that with her family. However you are in marriage therapy so try to work it out with more trust, better communication, romance and stop telling her she can't talk to her family.. Focusing this much on her talking to family is not the answer. The answer is step up as a husband. This is why you are pointing fingers at her and her family. She's allowed to talk to her own family so it seems very odd that you assume it's an affair and have her tracked and try to control her this much. etc. every time we all meet for family gathering his wife mentions openly how irritating it is when he stays down stairs talking to my wife Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 Understandably with your marriage in this much trouble you are afraid she is going to leave you. Perhaps she is planning that with her family. However you are in marriage therapy so try to work it out with more trust, better communication, romance and stop telling her she can't talk to her family.. Focusing this much on her talking to family is not the answer. The answer is step up as a husband. This is why you are pointing fingers at her and her family. Why do you keep referencing this third guy as her family? We did not know this guy until two years ago, we have been married for 10 years; he was distant family member; Her family does not know this guy; Her mom is even extra careful around him; so, Why do you consider him as her family? She has real cousins and friends who she has become distant with and this guy is all she thinks about and he is not really her family; She shares very little about her life to her real family most of the things pass through him. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Is this her cousin's husband you are thinking she is having an affair with?Why do you keep referencing this third guy as her family? he was distant family member Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 Is this her cousin's husband you are thinking she is having an affair with? Ya he is a far away cousin; like someone really distant but they come from similar background; none of our or her family personally knows this family as per say. We did not know about this family until two years ago; when we met this family at an event; We instantly clicked and had similar interest so I encouraged going to family gatherings and travelling together; but that's what we always did before with her other friends. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 What are the things she's asking you to do that she says he does for her? Are they reasonable things? Why do you refuse to do them? (asking again because you didn't answer before...still wondering!) Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 What are the things she's asking you to do that she says he does for her? Are they reasonable things? Why do you refuse to do them? (asking again because you didn't answer before...still wondering!) I stopped watching TV, playing games; I literally gave up everything and now usually take care of the Baby; I have no outside friends, and I try to pay more attention to her; the biggest gripe is she can not sleep normally; she has insomnia and he keeps talking to her late during the night while I sleep because I have to go to work next day. She says only way she will let him go is if I give same amount of attention as him; but its hard when I am taking care of the baby or doing house chores; as I make all the financial decisions and shopping for the house. She has pretty much no interest in any Activity or programs, and she does not like shopping; Problem I have is that her habit is so strong as she talks to him all the time and she is constantly evading me. How can I make connection when she is constantly running from me to talk to him; its like the more I run after her she goes further back to him; and then I am sitting next to her while she is talking to him. How do I break the habit; where he is the source of all healing for her as she says that he is guiding and helping to resolve family issues. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 So he doesn't have a job? Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 So he doesn't have a job? He has everything she ever dream of as he is working as a manager, owns two houses and has lots and lots of friends as he was playing cricket before; so lot of people know him. He is like a magnet to her as he has all that is required in a perfect men according to her, he is even married with two kids so nobody will think twice if they see us together as he is atleast considered a family men. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 He has everything she ever dream of as he is working as a manager, owns two houses and has lots and lots of friends as he was playing cricket before; so lot of people know him. He is like a magnet to her as he has all that is required in a perfect men according to her, he is even married with two kids so nobody will think twice if they see us together as he is atleast considered a family men. So how does he have time to be on the phone with her all day and all night? Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 So how does he have time to be on the phone with her all day and all night? He puts on earbud and talks in our language very slowly at work; so none of his colleagues know that he is using phone, he has even his desk set certain way to do this. At home he talks from anywhere and goes to bed really late, his wife constantly brings in a topic abount constant chatting but she does nothing about it. They are now using snapchat because his wife was trying to find out what they were up to; now no record is left over. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 How do you know what his wife "constantly" does?? This sounds like the four of you are way too intertwined. Maybe you should switch partners. And I'm not being facetious, it seems like his wife is attached to you and your wife is attached to him, so it might be the perfect solution. Link to comment
canadien Posted February 1, 2020 Author Share Posted February 1, 2020 How do you know what his wife "constantly" does?? This sounds like the four of you are way too intertwined. Maybe you should switch partners. And I'm not being facetious, it seems like his wife is attached to you and your wife is attached to him, so it might be the perfect solution. Well his wife does not talk to me, its usually them talking about how she is spying and does not trust him; she checks his phone and email and he always gets away. She mentions about their nonstop conversation when we meet for outing but i never replied or said anything regarding that matter. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 This is a mess. A foursome. Very strange. You don't like your wife's conversations with this man but you know very small details of what his wife is doing and you have private conversations with her. If you can do it, why can't your wife? You have time to give his wife attention but not time to give your own wife attention. Do you see how none of this makes sense? Anyway, I don't know what the answer is except you either accept your wife's behavior and she accepts yours or you two split up. Link to comment
BurtReynolds Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 No, she is meeting up with her cousins husband (against her wishes) and behind her husbands back. She is having her child call this man Papa and is in constant contact with this man. I think that it is VERY unwise to listen to this advise if you want to save your marriage. At this point you need to DNA test your child and demand NO contact. I cant think of any man (other than Wiseman2) that would put up with this $hit for a second. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 I do agree with this but I don't think it's wise for the OP to continue communicating with that man's wife. That is inappropriate too. And if the wife refuses to stop this outside relationship then it's time to see an attorney and look into custody and visitation. Link to comment
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