Christmas heartache & Boyfriend lying about death

[Wiseman2]

Are you divorced or widowed? Did you just give up and let yourself go since then? No need to make excuses like this. Your age doesn't matter. Do you work and have any family or friends nearby? Have you ever traveled to this man's hometown?

 

This is not a compromise at all. He is deceitful and living a lie. This is not leaving socks on the floor or forgetting to pick up milk. This is a major deception.

 

If you are depressed it's time to see a doctor and get to a therapist. Also if you are out of shape or unhealthy physically get on a good nutrition and fitness program. You can also start doing things to make friends and improve your life such as volunteering, joining some groups and clubs and taking classes and courses.

I never used to put up with this kind of behavior, but as I got older, had too many years being single/lonely, fewer men, middle age/aging, and my low self esteem, I compromised.

[blugurrl]

I grew up in a very emotionally abusive situation, and I have been in therapy for most of my life trying to undo it. I want to get out of this relationship, it is easy to say just do it, but I am emotionally a mess, and losing another person when I have almost no one is very hard. In the past few years I have lost a lot of people including my Mom who I was super close to. I recently lost my 17 yr old dog, who was my baby and the pain is immense. I don't have many friends, I am introverted and have social anxiety. It sucks because I really want to be social. I don't have kids and have never married. I go to classes, volunteer at animal adoptions and meet ups but don't really meet people even though I do go outside my comfort zone and strike up conversations. I am always by myself and I don't enjoy it. I do reach out and call people to do things but most of the time end up going on my own. I am not out of shape and dowdy. But I am super self conscious, and feel awkward which causes a lot of anxiety. I can't explain why I put up with this guy. I am too lonely or too depressed, and can't self validate. This relationship has been painful because he flip flops on me, he loves me he loves me not. I work freelance so it is up and down so I am either busy or unemployed or looking for work. He works in the same industry. I know I have to detach from the "idea of him" which wants this to work or thinks I need him. I honestly don't even really like him he isn't really fun but it is a connection and I feel like I am desperate for it. I know if a friend told me, this story, I would tell her to run away. But what if there is nothing to run away to? I feel like my life is so small as hard as I try to open it up, and it makes me feel trapped either way. (please don't tell me to get another dog, I will eventually but it is too soon)

[boltnrun]

What does your therapist advise? Does he or she recommend staying in this relationship?

[Wiseman2]

Being with this poisonous snake is making all this worse, not better. Get a full time, everyday regular paying job and get to a doctor. No one can help you if you continually create and perpetuate a horrible life for yourself and refuse to help yourself.

I am emotionally a mess

I don't have many friends,

I am introverted and have social anxiety.

I am too lonely or too depressed

I am either busy or unemployed or looking for work.

I feel like my life is so small as hard as I try to open it up

[simple cure]

Blu- I have to agree with the above thoughts, indeed, you have created a reality of loneliness. You have a LOT of plusses going for you that you don't see because of focus on the negative aspect of things. I agree that you are being led into an even darker reality courtesy of this guy who doesn't value all of your worth at all.

Imagine if right now you had a lovely partner you COULD trust, who wanted to share everything with you, who shared all the good in a relationship with you and gave you the feeling that you are worthy and perfect the way you are? What if instead of seeing all the losses you could see all the possiblity and fun to be had?

What if you could read his mind and see that not only does he not have the ability to do any of this with you, that he doesn't want to because he thinks he can have another person just like you anytime he wants?

He can be lazy and careless with you because he knows you'll stick around for it no matter what he does.

I would wish for you to have the ability to see that you want more than that - more than a not really real relationship with someone who is not really in it.

When you get there remember you matter, remember you are the only one who can take care of you.

It isn't terrible to be alone for a little while, for one thing, you no longer have to ask what's going on with this guy.

You get to make yourself available for the RIGHT thing for you.

If you keep it going with this guy you're going to have to stuff all these feelings and your truth, you won't be able to talk about it or persuade him to meet your needs.

The relationship you truly need is waiting to happen, but you seem to want to stay in this one just to have some kind of person around.

Because you are afraid of the unknown.

I truly can understand your concern, and your hesitancy. But having been in a situation like yours where I talked myself out of the truth and paid for it later. Believe me, it hurts worse later.

Because of what I mentioned, stuffing your truth, your needs, and your value for someone else.

[abitbroken]

I grew up in a very emotionally abusive situation, and I have been in therapy for most of my life trying to undo it. I want to get out of this relationship, it is easy to say just do it, but I am emotionally a mess, and losing another person when I have almost no one is very hard. In the past few years I have lost a lot of people including my Mom who I was super close to. I recently lost my 17 yr old dog, who was my baby and the pain is immense. I don't have many friends, I am introverted and have social anxiety. It sucks because I really want to be social. I don't have kids and have never married. I go to classes, volunteer at animal adoptions and meet ups but don't really meet people even though I do go outside my comfort zone and strike up conversations. I am always by myself and I don't enjoy it. I do reach out and call people to do things but most of the time end up going on my own. I am not out of shape and dowdy. But I am super self conscious, and feel awkward which causes a lot of anxiety. I can't explain why I put up with this guy. I am too lonely or too depressed, and can't self validate. This relationship has been painful because he flip flops on me, he loves me he loves me not. I work freelance so it is up and down so I am either busy or unemployed or looking for work. He works in the same industry. I know I have to detach from the "idea of him" which wants this to work or thinks I need him. I honestly don't even really like him he isn't really fun but it is a connection and I feel like I am desperate for it. I know if a friend told me, this story, I would tell her to run away. But what if there is nothing to run away to? I feel like my life is so small as hard as I try to open it up, and it makes me feel trapped either way. (please don't tell me to get another dog, I will eventually but it is too soon)

 

You need a different therapist because you are no better off. Maybe you have a form of anxiety that is physiological if you were that way before the deaths and it gives you low ability to bounce back. I don't recommend anti-depressants often, but a low dose of an anxiety medication may be what you need very temporarily - for 6 months, a year or two, to help you take the firsts steps towards making more connections. Also, what about Toastmasters if there is a local group?

[LootieTootie]

So sorry about your losses, blu. However if you have been in therapy all your life and trying to undo your trauma, don't you think you are countering it by keeping this guy around who has no care for your feelings?

 

I am sure you do try... sometimes. You must try all the time...There's no half-as sin it. A lot of people are giving you great advices. Look for a permanent job - opens you up to mingle with people on a constant basis. The more you see em, the less anxious you are. Try Toastmasters to help you communicate and feel confident. You need to grow some balls because if you don't, people like your boyfriend will always take you for granted. Only you can help you.

[blugurrl]

I DO help myself, I do not sit at home and wait for something to come to my door. I have seen Doctors and am on meds and in therapy for myself and for grief. Some things are not as easy as you want them to be. Sometimes life does not go the way you want or planned. You have no idea how hard I work to be functional. If you met me you would have no idea of my mental/emotional struggles because I don't want anyone to know. I do not walk around thinking doom and gloom. I go to LOA meetings, meditation classes, etc and push myself outside my comfort zone almost every day. I have been actively applying and interviewing for a staff job in my field for the last 2 years. I wish I felt better about myself, sometimes I have trouble being in my own skin, sometimes I do, but when I do it is very fragile and I can't self validate so the moment something happens real or perceived, I go way down and I have my own trouble connecting. I am super sensitive which has gotten more intense over time like a worn tire. If I could turn my nervous system and brain off then things would go a lot smoother. I hate that I am in this situation. I am barely holding it together to begin with because I am lost without my Mom and the grief is relentless, on top of the fresh loss of my dog. I wish I was stronger and had friends and family to support me when I break up with him. But I don't. I know he cares less about me than I do him. He also has a much bigger life than I do and will get along without me with no problem. Which is a big heartache already. That leaves me with myself, my own worst enemy, which is the big problem, I don't have the bandwidth for more loss. I am stuck between pain and pain. I do want to get out of this, this is awful, and I am working on it...

[Wiseman2]

What are LOA meeting? Ok so you have a hard life. The point is this guy makes it worse not better. Imagine having a decent honest partner who respects you rather than this dubious creep?

 

What you can do is some visualization exercises. Picture a man who is honest. Who includes you in his life. Who introduces you to friends and family. Who is reliable and decent.

 

When you envision this vs the creep who stands you up, lies, disrespects you, keeps you a secret...which is better? Realize he is a huge part of the problem. Even someone without all your underlying issues would be brought down by this kind of low-life creep.

I have seen Doctors and am on meds and in therapy for myself and for grief. Some things are not as easy as you want them to be. I go to LOA meetings

[boltnrun]

Regarding yourself as your own worst enemy is the problem. No matter who you're involved with, no matter what you do or what you accomplish it will all be meaningless if you despise yourself. And you chose this man because he treats you the way you believe you deserve to be treated.

 

What you need to understand is trying to stay in a relationship with this man is only going to make you feel worse and worse until you feel so bad you'll never recover.

 

How about viewing removing him from your life as gaining something positive instead of losing someone? All you'll be losing is feeling like crap due to his mistreatment.

[simple cure]

Blu- after reading your last reply, first, thanks for being vulnerable enough to speak to your pain, and strong enough to speak up for yourself.

You sound like such a dynamic and strong woman, you have been through a lot. I think we're interested in helping with the information you gave we all tried to come up with our best ideas.

We've all been through something, and one thing we've all been through is the pain of being in the same kind of situation you're in now.

Not exactly the same, but similar.

It hurts right now, I know. You aren't less of a person for going through this, or being attached to someone who you are considering breaking up with. You aren't less for loving someone who can't love you the way you want and need.

[ThatwasThen]

She may not be "less" for loving him but she is treating herself badly for staying with him.

[LootieTootie]

If you keep seeing yourself as a victim, you are just going to keep latching on to someone who is not going to love you.

[catfeeder]

You want to confront this guy? What is that supposed to accomplish?

 

Think of quitting him as being like quitting smoking. Sure, it's difficult but the alternative is self mutilation.

 

Love yourself enough to do the right thing for yourself. You will thank yourself later.