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Ex moved on really fast and I still can't


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Hey guys,

 

At the start of the year, my boyfriend of 1 and a half years, the guy I thought I would marry dumped me out of the blue. It was so unexpected, I had just been to meet all his wider family at Christmas and the day before he asked me to move in with him and told me how much he could feel our love. I was on top of the World. I am quite an awkward person and struggle to be my true self around anyone but from the start with him I just felt safe and not judged - we got on like a house on fire, we never fought or anything which is another reason why I still don't understand. Even when I went to his place to try to reconcile he told me he loved me. Fast forward 3 months he got a girlfriend. Fast forward 10 months they are still together. I thought she was a rebound as he was showing her off online but then after 6 months they moved in together. They seem like the perfect pair, she is apparently 'the girl version' of him. I just cannot understand how this all happened and how fast it unfolded. I love deeply so I am really struggling to move on and more so because he moved on so quickly. We haven't talked in nearly a year. I would like some words of advice because I don't have any friends or close family. I am so depressed and have struggled to make it through the year. Thanks guys.

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We are both 20

 

This is over. Racking your brain and asking why is useless.

 

It has been over for nearly a year.

 

It didn't happen very fast, he was probably considering it for a while; he then was single for three months, so I'm not calling that a rebound. He processed even before the break, so he was already part-way through the grief process.

 

I infer you were hoping he had rebounded and would eventually end that, and come back to you groveling and wanting you to take him back. That does not happen very often.

 

You also mentioned being in contact with him at some point, but not in a year.

 

Delete and block his number. Block him on all social media platforms.

 

Your continuing to follow him, and watching his progress is holding back your healing process.

 

Are you a member of a gym? Put together an increased exercise program and spend time every day doing it (the endorphins help, and you get fit and look good/better).

 

Are you interested in things like photography? Join a photography club and meet some new people. Branch out.

 

Both of those are the sorts of activities where you meet new people, and one of them might ask you out on a date.

 

If he ever does come back (doubtful) he'll find a new, happier you... and hopefully by then you'll tell him not to let the door hit him on the butt on the way out.

 

Lonewolf asked about closure - you will not get closure from the ex - communicating with him now will just cause you fresh pain and hurt.

 

So don't go near him looking for "closure", whatever that means, because you need to get it from within.

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Hi Ash* ~ Sorry to hear about your situation. Breakups and unrequited love su*k bigtime...That's just the bottom line...

 

Some good advice from RayRay*....Please take good care of your health. Switch the focus onto you now. Don't worry about what he's doing. What do YOU need to do now going forward?

 

I do hope these videos help too:

 

https://www.youtube.com/user/CameroneProductions/videos?view_as=subscriber

 

Stay Strong. You're going to be ok*

 

Carus*

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Sorry to hear this. If you lack friends and family for support you need to get to a doctor for a checkup and evaluation as well as get to a therapist to start sorting some of this out. Also make sure your life is full with school, work, clubs, groups, classes, courses, volunteering etc. Get out and make friends and start meeting guys.

 

At 20 he should not be talking about moving in or marriage and neither should you. Nothing is 'out of the blue'. It's time you move on and stop stalking his social media. If you stop wasting time on that you could have a new bf by now. Next time pay more attention to what is really going on. Never make some 20 y/o guy the center of your universe or the sole cause of your happiness or sadness. You need to be in charge of your own life and your own emotions.

the guy I thought I would marry dumped me out of the blue.

the day before he asked me to move in with him

I went to his place to try to reconcile he told me he loved me.

We haven't talked in nearly a year.

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Hi, I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. I've been in a similar situation however I was the one to break up due to long distance issues and the girl I was dating started seeing someone else three weeks later. I really understand this feeling of constantly thinking about what happened and wishing that somehow in someway things will just fall into place and you'll get back together but you shouldn't do so.

 

First of all it's really really not healthy for your mind. I did that and eventually ended up needing to take antidepressants for the first time in my life because the pain was unbearable. That being said if you feel so sad and for so long please go see a therapist as there's nothing wrong with that and there's definitely nothing wrong with taking antidepressants. They're not forever and I speak from experience.

 

Now, you're 20 years old which means you're still very young. Try to find something to do like going to the gym or starting a new sport. Spend less time on social media! Seriously, your daily commute to school or work? Read a book instead of looking at your phone! Unless you're the one driving of course :) and also block that person. They're no longer in your life and whatever little presence they have left through social media is destroying you so why would you want to keep doing that to yourself? If your ex wants to reach out he will find a way and so you don't need to keep looking at his social media. More importantly start hanging out with your friends and if you don't have too many try to join some sort of community which allows you to spend time with other people.

 

Finally, there isn't a one way formula for this. It can take some time and sometimes you might feel like it's not working and that's okay as long as you keep trying to find new healthy ways to cope and more importantly, get better. I have friends who just go on a dating/sex binge and they get over their ex and that works for them. Personally the moment I was trying to get close to someone romantically I just kept thinking about my ex and it made me feel worse so I thought that road isn't for me. So find your way, get help, and most importantly get better!

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I am very sorry for your pain. Where you went wrong was in monitoring his life following the break up. Had you not kept track of him online you wouldn't be now stuck in limbo like this telling yourself all these imaginary stories about her appearing "the girl version" of him. People always project a picture-perfect life online and your brain is using it to torture you with all kinds of horror stories. Had you not peeked at what he was up to online, you would be happilly oblivious of all that useless crap. You need to delete him from all your social media and stop learning anything new about him. The truth of the matter is that you two were incompatible communication-wise, hence you two broke up so unceremonsiously. Out of the blue= lack of healthy communication. Nothing to do with your value as a person. Whatever happened after your break up is insignificant as far as you are concerned and has NOTHING to do with your value as a person. You need to take him off the pedestal, accept that your relationship was seriously lacking, hence why it ended so abruptly, stop all online stalking and focus on moving on. Your break-up HAS happened and it couldn't have happened any other way. Whatever he did afterwards is immaterial. Good luck with your healing.

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Hey guys, thanks for all your advice - I have been on antidepressants for years now and I’ve tried a psychologist but it only helped for an hour or so. I think more than anything I’m just so shocked he moved on so fast, I thought what we shared was special and I’m worried I won’t find it again which is why I hold on. And he posted that she is the ‘girl version of him’ - he does the stuff he wouldn’t do with me, with her and it hurts. I will make an effort to not stalk social media because it’s in my highest good. I just don’t understand any of it and I’m still confused.

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Try this:

 

Tomorrow morning, get up an hour early, put the headphones in your mobile, and listen to some 'dating guy' youtubes about closure coming from within, how to properly do no contact, and the toxicity of watching the ex social media, and get out and walk.

 

Stop for a coffee half way. The 6am coffee crowd are interesting people. They are usually reasonably fit, successful people who are doing well in life, and don't lie in bed doing "morning mathematics" trying to work out how long can they stay there.

 

People who sleep late and are overweight, unhappy and depressed do not make it to 6am coffee.

 

Repeat every day, except walk faster. Eventually - start running. Preferably up hills.

 

It is amazing how good you feel after you dose yourself with natural endorphins first thing.

 

PS - Doesn't your Uni have a student union gym? Or at least some personal training available on whatever sort of sports ground is available?.

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It sounds like you are quite fragile and it took him a awhile to finalize things because of that. He most likely checked out a long time ago so he didn't really move on quickly.

 

For him the relationship has been dead for a long time, being with someone who is depressed and clingy tends to do that. He most likely didn't want to hurt you but also didn't want to be with you. Also he's 20 and not ready to settle down.

 

You need to address your depression and anxiety better, not give up after one hour of therapy. You see, it's a catch-22 a self-exacerbating downward spiral.. Your depression pushes people away and when they leave you get more depressed.

I’ve tried a psychologist but it only helped for an hour or so.
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I get what your saying but I wasn't clingy and didn't show him my depression, he was aware of it though. It also confuses me when you say it was 'dead' because he asked me to move in with him the day before, he repeatedly told me he loved me etc.

 

I have been to councillors and the psychologist but they were just a quick fix for me, they all say the same thing and even when I try to get out more, exercise etc. it just doesn't help.

It sounds like you are quite fragile and it took him a awhile to finalize things because of that. He most likely checked out a long time ago so he didn't really move on quickly.

 

For him the relationship has been dead for a long time, being with someone who is depressed and clingy tends to do that. He most likely didn't want to hurt you but also didn't want to be with you. Also he's 20 and not ready to settle down.

 

You need to address your depression and anxiety better, not give up after one hour of therapy. You see, it's a catch-22 a self-exacerbating downward spiral.. Your depression pushes people away and when they leave you get more depressed.

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...

they all say the same thing ...

 

even when I try to get out more, exercise etc. it just doesn't help.

 

They all say the same thing because the advice is based on biology and psychology that has been researched and developed for many years. Not surprising really.

 

For how long have you persevered with daily exercise?

 

1 month?

 

2 months?

 

More?

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At the start I was walking twice a day for a couple months, then when I got to uni it died down and I tried to implement it every morning but I just didn’t have the time.

They all say the same thing because the advice is based on biology and psychology that has been researched and developed for many years. Not surprising really.

 

For how long have you persevered with daily exercise?

 

1 month?

 

2 months?

 

More?

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At the start I was walking twice a day for a couple months, then when I got to uni it died down and I tried to implement it every morning but I just didn’t have the time.

 

I suggest giving it another go - push yourself harder over a shorter course - you should get endorphin release when you are perspiring at the 20 minute mark, if not before.

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Since you are at uni, you can now pursue regular medical and psychological care. If you don't bother with your mental health why should anyone else? You need to take care of yourself and stop blaming everyone for your depression. Why should anyone care about you or deal with your depression when you don't even care about you or deal with it. Help is all around you but you simply refuse to pursue it. Ok. You seem quite combative and stubborn. Not sure how that helps your situation.

I wasn't clingy and didn't show him my depression, he was aware of it though. I have been to councillors and the psychologist but they were just a quick fix for me
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Therapy isn't a feel-good 'fix,' it's a long range project, and when you least believe that it's 'working,' that's usually when the real work is getting done. But it only 'works' if YOU work it. The best therapist in the world can't live our lives FOR us.

 

I don't have any friends or close family.

 

This is probably the issue where I'd start. Short range it will give you a goal to focus on--and away from living in your head while stalking the ex's new life.

 

You get to decide whether you'll surprise yourself and build a fabulous future for yourself, or whether you'll keep drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of by living in your head.

 

Head high. It's a decision.

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