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Single after on and off abusive 6 year relationship


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This will be long but thank you to those who reply and read until the end.

 

I feel awkward being back in the dating game after trying to move on from my ex when we broke up last year (and now have two babies out of it) he abused me in every way possible making me feel worthless and now I am trying to pick up the pieces of myself.

 

A guy i work with that use to flirt with me (it was inappropriate for the work place and felt sexual even sometimes) got mad when I started to ignore him because I realized he is a bad person and started calling me terrible names like sl*ut who*re, thot, fat, ugly , and weird. This name calling has been going on for months and I just keep ignoring it because I know he is trying to get a reaction out

Of me and I refuse to feed his stupid ego. It has got worse too because he has influenced the people he talks to to call me names too. I guess he can’t handle when somebody ignores him , oh well .

 

He was walking with a guy that doesn’t work with us but comes in to our company every once in a while to stock things and when they were about to go through the door the guy I use to like turned his head around and looked in my direction , and so the other guy turned around and looked in my direction to see what he was looking at. I am wondering if he said something about me, like called me a or something , because that guy that doesn’t work with us that I have never talked to, never use to pay attention to me but all of a sudden started turning his head to look at me a lot when ever he would come in to our company, when I was standing or when I would walk away he would turn his head to look at me and start to make these weird noises around me or Fake cough around me. Once we walked by each other and he turned his torso away from me and said excuse me (this is when the mixed signals started because that made me feel bad) but after that he walked towards me and walked close by me and I felt like he was looking at me and wanted to say something but didn’t . And another time I looked up from a distance and he was staring and smiling at me with his eyebrows raised. I just smiled a little back when I looked away because I felt shy and it caught me off guard. Yesterday he looked at me and said excuse me with his eyebrows raised really high. We kept making eye contact yesterday , and I tried to break the ice by giving him a small smile each time (because people are always telling me I should smile more and I look mean lol) but then when I walked by him he was facing me but leaned his torso backwards from me (the second time he has done this, I don’t get it) There are always customers or employees around us so it’s weird to talk to him because I don’t really work with him. I can’t help but over analyze everybody’s body language and he is confusing me. I’m wondering if was checking me out and is attracted to me and is just intimidated by me thinking that I don’t like him, hence the mixed signals (I have been told I have an off putting personality sometimes) but I actually do like him.

 

Being with my abusive baby father for so long has destroyed my self esteem and I am trying to work on being more approachable and friendly and I’m

Just afraid that guy thinks I don’t like him ..I don’t know what to do.

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What you do is you take yourself more seriously and stop flirting with your coworkers or anyone related to or does work for the company. This includes vendors etc. The men around you are reacting to you in bad way because they can sense your low self-esteem and how easily attracted you are to anyone who looks at you (you're easy). I think you're hurt and looking for validation and affirmations of worth in the opposite sex because you didn't get that in your previous relationship... possibly ever in your life? Did you ever have a strong father figure or anyone who showed you what it's like to be loved and respected at the same time? I ask to get a better idea of where all this began and how long you've been living this way. I doubt it started with your previous relationship.

 

Keep things professional at work, stay away from the men that you "like" at work and don't flirt with anyone or sleep with anyone there. It seems you have a reputation and they don't respect you. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot in any relationship and none of this is good news for you work-wise.

 

All that previous behaviour also with your coworker calling you names should stop. It's rude, unprofessional and abusive/harassment. You should speak to management about it and if it's pervasive throughout the company and how men treat women there or there's a large following and part of the company culture, LEAVE. Do not tolerate that type of work place harassment.

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What you do is you take yourself more seriously and stop flirting with your coworkers or anyone related to or does work for the company. This includes vendors etc. The men around you are reacting to you in bad way because they can sense your low self-esteem and how easily attracted you are to anyone who looks at you (you're easy). I think you're hurt and looking for validation and affirmations of worth in the opposite sex because you didn't get that in your previous relationship... possibly ever in your life? Did you ever have a strong father figure or anyone who showed you what it's like to be loved and respected at the same time? I ask to get a better idea of where all this began and how long you've been living this way. I doubt it started with your previous relationship.

 

Keep things professional at work, stay away from the men that you "like" at work and don't flirt with anyone or sleep with anyone there. It seems you have a reputation and they don't respect you. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot in any relationship and none of this is good news for you work-wise.

 

All that previous behaviour also with your coworker calling you names should stop. It's rude, unprofessional and abusive/harassment. You should speak to management about it and if it's pervasive throughout the company and how men treat women there or there's a large following and part of the company culture, LEAVE. Do not tolerate that type of work place harassment.

 

I would speak to management about the name calling but it’s funny because he IS my manager. I don’t think anything would happen if I reported him so I ignore it .

 

And no my dad has never been there for me and has been emotionally unavailable my whole life. My mom also passed away when I was pregnant with my first child. I don’t think I am ugly and I know I am not the most beautiful girl on the planet but, I think I am pretty when I dress up And I have been told I am pretty, and there are a few guys that like me but I am not interested in them. I have been pretty heavy up top since I was a teen , I am a DD, and I think that is what attracts some guys to me but I don’t think I am ugly.

 

I am wondering what my manager said to this vendor though, or if he said anything at all. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they both turned around to look at me and after that the vendor all of a sudden started staring at me when he never use to. I always thought he was cute when I saw him but I never really noticed him until he started acting strange around me. I want to know if he was trying to get my attention and checking me out and if I should say something to him but he is giving me mixed signals so I don’t know what to think.

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I would speak to management about the name calling but it’s funny because he IS my manager. I don’t think anything would happen if I reported him so I ignore it .

 

And no my dad has never been there for me and has been emotionally unavailable my whole life. My mom also passed away when I was pregnant with my first child. I don’t think I am ugly and I know I am not the most beautiful girl on the planet but, I think I am pretty when I dress up And I have been told I am pretty, and there are a few guys that like me but I am not interested in them. I have been pretty heavy up top since I was a teen , I am a DD, and I think that is what attracts some guys to me but I don’t think I am ugly.

 

I am wondering what my manager said to this vendor though, or if he said anything at all. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they both turned around to look at me and after that the vendor all of a sudden started staring at me when he never use to. I always thought he was cute when I saw him but I never really noticed him until he started acting strange around me. I want to know if he was trying to get my attention and checking me out and if I should say something to him but he is giving me mixed signals so I don’t know what to think.

 

Just keep things professional at work. Your manager is crass and unprofessional and you have that going against you already. Do you think it's a good idea to start batting eyes at a vendor that your manager has already had a word with (likely about you)? This manager also had a thing for you and it's unlikely that he's going to like seeing you happy or flirting with someone else while you're clocking for pay on his time. Have a bit more self-respect. Don't worry about this vendor anymore.

 

Do you have someone to help look after your kids? Join a class and meet people in your area. Be more involved in your community. I think you're isolated or feeling lonely. That's normal. But please find company in more appropriate ways. Think of your kids too. I think you should leave this place and find work elsewhere if you can but first you really ought to fix yourself and your mindset and how you approach your workplace. Stop making friends with your male coworkers in inappropriate ways or don't invite that kind of attention.

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Just keep things professional at work. Your manager is crass and unprofessional and you have that going against you already. Do you think it's a good idea to start batting eyes at a vendor that your manager has already had a word with (likely about you)? This manager also had a thing for you and it's unlikely that he's going to like seeing you happy or flirting with someone else while you're clocking for pay on his time. Have a bit more self-respect. Don't worry about this vendor anymore.

 

Do you have someone to help look after your kids? Join a class and meet people in your area. Be more involved in your community. I think you're isolated or feeling lonely. That's normal. But please find company in more appropriate ways. Think of your kids too. I think you should leave this place and find work elsewhere if you can but first you really ought to fix yourself and your mindset and how you approach your workplace. Stop making friends with your male coworkers in inappropriate ways or don't invite that kind of attention.

 

Their father no longer lives us and hardly ever sees them. I have been with the company 5 years in January and I work full time . I also live very close by , within walking distance so working there is convenient for me. All I do is work and take care of my babies. They have a babysitter while I work. Child care is too expensive and they take up a lot of my time, I also don’t have any close friends so I have not gone out in a long time. I haven’t been with anybody else since their dad so yes it is starting to feel really isolated and lonely so getting some attention like that makes me feel a little better.

 

I know it’s not appropriate to be looking for attention from the vendor (I don’t even know his name) but I hardly ever see him and when I do he is not there for very long , and now he is on my mind wondering why all of a sudden he kept turning around and staring at me and smiled at me with his eyebrows raised really high. But then he would lean backwards from me or turn his torso away and that is when the mixed signals started. Is he just testing the waters and wondering if I will say something to him or is he just playing me ? It also makes me wonder what my manager said to him for him to act this way.

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No one here can tell you what your manager said. Why not just speak with your manager and clear the air? You seem settled working there and don't feel comfortable leaving due to the perks. As long as your manager is being a real douche to you and you have some history between the both of you, this thing with the vendor is not going to go well.

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No one here can tell you what your manager said. Why not just speak with your manager and clear the air? You seem settled working there and don't feel comfortable leaving due to the perks. As long as your manager is being a real douche to you and you have some history between the both of you, this thing with the vendor is not going to go well.

 

I don’t want to speak to him or even look at him because of things he has said and did to me and I’m afraid talking to him again or even looking at him is going to create that spark again with him that I want to go away. I noticed when that other guy started to give me attention it made me lose interest in my manager. Why do you say it will not go well with the vendor ?

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Do you have a Human Resources Department where you can go to someone and complain about this guy that calls you names and disrespects you like that?

 

If I were you, I'd put my phone on record when he starts that chit and then take it to someone above his head. No one should have to put up with that kind of behaviour from their employer.

 

As for the other guy, just ignore him because your so called manager has likely talked smack about you to him and the LAST thing you need is to be getting involved with anyone your manager knows. You don't want to have your personal or romantic life broadcast and/or made fun of if this vender dude spills the beans about what you two have been up to.

 

Join something where you can meet some female friends and start working on being happy without a man in your life. Right now your priorities should be your babies and working on your social networks that aren't romantic in nature.

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Do you have a Human Resources Department where you can go to someone and complain about this guy that calls you names and disrespects you like that?

 

If I were you, I'd put my phone on record when he starts that chit and then take it to someone above his head. No one should have to put up with that kind of behaviour from their employer.

 

As for the other guy, just ignore him because your so called manager has likely talked smack about you to him and the LAST thing you need is to be getting involved with anyone your manager knows. You don't want to have your personal or romantic life broadcast and/or made fun of if this vender dude spills the beans about what you two have been up to.

 

Join something where you can meet some female friends and start working on being happy without a man in your life. Right now your priorities should be your babies and working on your social networks that aren't romantic in nature.

 

I was thinking about putting my phone on record but the last time I tried my phone turned off . He has been with the company almost 10 years so I just feel like nothing would really happen even if I did report him with proof so I just act like I don’t hear it. Managers never stay where I’m at very long anyway before they transfer so i just ignore it.

 

I have been single since the month before my son was born and it’s really starting to get to me . He totally betrayed me and the kids with his broken promises and cheating on me right after our son was born, abandoning us. He even left me alone in the hospital after he was born. Everything he has done to me has mentally destroyed me. I went to the doctor for anti depressants after he was born (I’m not on them anymore) and she said I have ptsd. I feel awkward in social situations because I haven’t gone out in so long. I don’t want to be that single mom at family events struggling with two crazy babies, while whole families are looking at us being judgmental. I have a two 1/2 year old and one year old. But when they are older and they ask to go out I will take them but right now it is just hard with both of them being in diapers and getting into everything like monkeys.

 

I would just like to know why the vendor kept turning his head to look at me all of sudden, was he checking me out or something ? Attracted to me? Or was he just playing me to see how I would react ? I feel as if he wasn’t attracted to me he would not keep looking at me like he did or even smile at me. I wish I knew his name but I don’t know how to talk to him. Maybe it’s wrong , but I don’t work directly with him and It’s not like I would have to see him there everyday because he is rarely there.

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I went to the doctor for anti depressants after he was born (I’m not on them anymore) and she said I have ptsd.

I'm sorry you've been through so much. Did your doctor refer you for therapy? If not, you would do well to get the psychological help you will need to get yourself in tiptop dating shape. You don't want to be looking for a man when you're lonely and suffering or you will just end up with someone like your ex and the shiftless father of your babies. You and they deserve being with a good man that values you but you need to be the best you that you can be so you find a good one.

 

 

 

I would just like to know why the vendor kept turning his head to look at me all of sudden, was he checking me out or something ? Attracted to me?
No one here can answer that for you but rather than be focusing on that, focus on getting yourself through the PTSD. If he is interested in you, he will ask you out... that's all you need to know. I wouldn't go out with him though, you're not in a good place mentally to be dating right now. You're far too vulnerable.
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You’re fresh out of an abusive relationship.

 

You have two babies still in diapers.

 

You are dealing with sexual harassment from your boss. ( which come on, history of abuse doesn’t affect your comprehension of work rules. Report him immediately. )

 

Please tell me why you think dating will help...

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I'm sorry you've been through so much. Did your doctor refer you for therapy? If not, you would do well to get the psychological help you will need to get yourself in tiptop dating shape. You don't want to be looking for a man when you're lonely and suffering or you will just end up with someone like your ex and the shiftless father of your babies. You and they deserve being with a good man that values you but you need to be the best you that you can be so you find a good one.

 

 

 

No one here can answer that for you but rather than be focusing on that, focus on getting yourself through the PTSD. If he is interested in you, he will ask you out... that's all you need to know. I wouldn't go out with him though, you're not in a good place mentally to be dating right now. You're far too vulnerable.

 

Read this again please.

 

Focus on your mental health and your babies, men will always be there, focus on you.

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First off let me say I would never choose a man over my children. Im not even looking for a relationship really. Not after everything my ex put me through and some guys I was with before that. I’ve never really been in a good relationship so I am tired of it. I just don’t feel like myself after having two babies 16 months apart and just want to feel attractive again. I gained about 50 pounds with both my babies , and was still trying to lose weight after having my first when I found out I was pregnant again. After I gave birth I obviously did not feel attractive because of my weight gain and was still trying to heal from surgery, I was taking care of a newborn and toddler all while my ex was out cheating on me . That mentally messed me up . After I decided to stop the anti depressants I WAS focusing on myself and decided to lose weight , so I lost all my pregnancy weight and 10 pounds more. I would get my nails done and fix my hair but my babies father still neglected us and after over a year of all this and still being single (some guys have asked me out but I’m not interested) I got sick of it and just gave up on my ex. That is why when that guy started looking at me all the time it grabbed my attention and now I wonder if I still got it, if he is attracted to me or if he is just playing me. I just miss feeling a mutual attraction again. I feel crazy trying to read body language trying to figure out if he is into me without me having to ask ..I don’t know if he was trying to get my attention or what but I noticed a change of behavior with him.

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Sadly, with that line of thinking you're bound to fall into iffy and confusing situations. I think you're feeling so incredibly lonely. I'd dig deep and try an connect with deeper parts of yourself, find that validation within you and don't look for it flirting with men at work. It's too unpredictable that way. Continuing the way you are... I think you'll eventually reach some mental break down. Don't do it. Rise above that and find your self-worth in other ways. Even if you're lonely, look for real and fulfilling friendships and choose those over empty words and flirtations with coworkers.

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Sadly, with that line of thinking you're bound to fall into iffy and confusing situations. I think you're feeling so incredibly lonely. I'd dig deep and try an connect with deeper parts of yourself, find that validation within you and don't look for it flirting with men at work. It's too unpredictable that way. Continuing the way you are... I think you'll eventually reach some mental break down. Don't do it. Rise above that and find your self-worth in other ways. Even if you're lonely, look for real and fulfilling friendships and choose those over empty words and flirtations with coworkers.

 

I agree.

 

I think you should also address your attraction to abusive men. You have a pattern and I think it would help if you could get some counseling, or seek a support group. Your self esteem is low and if you started dating you would choose another creep. Focus on your kids and you. Look into dating in a year's time.

 

You need to report the guy at work.

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You need to report this to management. Contact an attorney and file a sexual harassment charge. Make sure you go to court on behalf of your children and apply for their child support. Take care of yourself and your kids and stop worrying about dating for a while.

A guy i work with that use to flirt with me started calling me terrible names like sl*ut who*re, thot, fat, ugly , and weird. This name calling has been going on for months

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First off let me say I would never choose a man over my children. Im not even looking for a relationship really. Not after everything my ex put me through and some guys I was with before that. I’ve never really been in a good relationship so I am tired of it. I just don’t feel like myself after having two babies 16 months apart and just want to feel attractive again. I gained about 50 pounds with both my babies , and was still trying to lose weight after having my first when I found out I was pregnant again. After I gave birth I obviously did not feel attractive because of my weight gain and was still trying to heal from surgery, I was taking care of a newborn and toddler all while my ex was out cheating on me . That mentally messed me up . After I decided to stop the anti depressants I WAS focusing on myself and decided to lose weight , so I lost all my pregnancy weight and 10 pounds more. I would get my nails done and fix my hair but my babies father still neglected us and after over a year of all this and still being single (some guys have asked me out but I’m not interested) I got sick of it and just gave up on my ex. That is why when that guy started looking at me all the time it grabbed my attention and now I wonder if I still got it, if he is attracted to me or if he is just playing me. I just miss feeling a mutual attraction again. I feel crazy trying to read body language trying to figure out if he is into me without me having to ask ..I don’t know if he was trying to get my attention or what but I noticed a change of behavior with him.

 

I don’t think anyone was accusing you of CHOOSING men over your children, you’re FOCUSING on men instead of your children at a time where it’s probably most beneficial to focus on you and your family.

 

If you view men and dating negatively you’re just going to keep repeating the same cycle.

 

You’re approaching this out of need. I get the confidence boost flirting at work can bring, I don’t date coworkers but I innocently flirt, the confidence boost is fun, but when I first left my own abusive marriage I remember the first male attention I got I latched on like white on rice, it wasn’t about dating and enjoying attraction to the opposite sex it was proving myself worthy, that I wasn’t broken and it was disastrous. So believe me when I say what I say it’s not coming from judgement it’s coming from someone who’s been there done that and got the tshirt.

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Sometimes i think the name calling and bad mouthing is actually kind of funny because it has been going on for MONTHS and he is just making himself look crazy by blurting out random insults at me like he has Tourette’s (even in front of other people) and I don’t react as if I don’t even hear anything, because i know that is what he wants , a reaction. He does make me super uncomfortable because I feel like he is trying to turn everybody against me and he just can’t control his mouth. But I know he won’t be there long (I hope) because managers don’t seem to stay there long. I think he feels entitled to me acknowledging him because he’s a supervisor and thinks he’s some kind of Casanova but he doesn’t deserve my respect so I just act like he doesn’t exist and that is why he calls me names.

 

I know I shouldn’t focus on a guy so much but my life is just one dimensional and doing nothing but working and taking care of two babies for the past 2 years and being alone has gotten boring so for a guy to give me attention that I’m attracted to makes my life feel more exciting ..I just hate that he’s a vendor so I barely see him. I am just so rusty from my ex and his abuse that I feel like I am not approachable to him and that I gave him the wrong impression , that I don’t like him , because I am scared of being hurt again. I just wish I knew if he was staring at me to check me out because he is attracted or if he was just staring at me to judge me because I’m pretty sure my Abusive boss said something to him .

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Act professional at work. That means respond to your superiors in a professional manner and if there is harassment go to the appropriate resources. Do not flirt with the vendors. Work is not a dating site or singles bar. Go to work, reply to others appropriately, go home and find other ways to date men, flirt etc. outside of work. Do not bring anger, chaos and negativity from your bad relationships to work with you. Bring that to the appropriate therapist or support groups to sort it out.

Why would I quit ?
Edited by Wiseman2
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