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Husband Things It’s Healthy to be Unfaithful


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Originally Posted by Karleec

he doesn’t think he’d have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didn’t know about it.

Who cares what he would or wouldn't have a problem with. This is about you and you clearly have a problem with him schtuuping outside of your marriage.

 

I suggest if you are too afraid, too lacking in self love and confidence to get rid of him then you get yourself involved in some forums for the polyamorous rather then a mainly monogamous forum and educate yourself about the dynamic. You should start with googling the word "compersion" and read up on how poly people deal with jealousy and letting go of "possessive love."

 

You doing nothing and staying with this man and being angst ridden and emotionally tortured whenever he is out schtuuping is going to damage your mental health so do something to help you cope if you're going to stay. I suspect if you get with other men (and it will be a lot more easier for you than him to pull your side piece) he won't be so magnanimous so you best find out what he will do to you if he does happen to "find out."

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You need to learn to be on your own OP if it means losing this jerk! Would you rather be miserable every time your husband goes off with other woman? Or on your own not having to worry about this crap! Loneliness isn't bad once you learn to love yourself know your self worth and not put up with things that are toxic.

 

I hope you leave this man and get a divorce! Love shouldn’t be like this!

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I am struggling because my parents have faught my whole life and have caused a lot of PTSD in my life... they are going through their worst time and their energy is so toxic. I don’t have them for support, and I don’t have any siblings and my best friend is my husbands sister. He says if I ever tell his family our business he will leave me. We are supposed to go away with them tomorrow for the holidays.

I feel like I don’t have a support system at all.

Also I asked him to reverse the roles and he said he doesn’t think he’d have a problem with me doing sexual acts with other men, as long as he didn’t know about it.

Omg I have been with this man for 10 years I’m just stunned!!

 

 

Parents aren't the be all-end all of support. People on this board care, your friends care, divorce support groups care, counselors care- You have people and you can have MORE, too! So call his bluff- LET him leave you. You shouldn't have to leave- HE SHOULD. Let him face the consequences for being a lying, cheating, gas-lighting, manipulative, disrespectful scumbag!!!!

 

He's just saying that cause he KNOWS you won't! It's VERY easy to say you'd be fine with somebody doing something that you KNOW they will never never, ever do.

 

It seems to me like he was just hiding stuff from you and as the years go by and he realizes he can basically treat you like garbage and do whatever he wants- he tells you more.

 

Make no mistake- you stay with him, it will only get worse. I really hope you realize that you are worth so much more than this. No one woman will ever be enough for him. He clearly has zero interest in telling you the truth. And even is he WASN'T a serial cheater- he does not respect you even a little bit. He is NOT your friend. He does NOT love you. He does NOT care about you. He is a worthless Piece of human excrement!!!!!

 

Please please please LEAVE this worthless loser or let him leave you (as he claims he will- I don't buy it.) Please do not spend more years subjecting yourself to this abuse- and believe me- this is SERIOUS abuse. There are good men out there. There is support out there. I'm so very very sorry you are going thru this. But please do not believe his lies- People DO care about you. You are NOT alone. He is just trying to manipulate you into being his "good little wife" while he lives a life separate from you and screws whoever he wants whenever he wants. You deserve so much better. Talk to friends and get a good lawyer- PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

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Why not google "cycle of violence" as well as "red flags for abusers". Being isolated and slowly brainwashed are risk factors for you. If he has firearms that adds another layer. Make an appointment with your doctor. Tell your doctor everything. Everything. Get tested for STDs. Tell them what is going on. They can refer you to help. Do Not mention that to him, tell him it's a "routine checkup"

 

You can contact any agency you wish for support. There is a plethora of online and local resources available. Since you are not ready or willing to leave, what you can do is start informing yourself. You are childless and young enough to start over with a decent man.

 

Do not research this from your home or your phone. He may have spyware on it. Go to library or other public resource. Do not rely on your sister-in-law as a friend. Do Not confide in her about anything in your life whatsoever.

 

You need to start getting out of the house much more. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, (maybe for a domestic violence organization). Get a side hustle if you work full time. The more you are out the more clear you will become, the less isolated you'll be the more friends you'll make and the happier you will be.

I don’t have them for support, and I don’t have any siblings and my best friend is my husbands sister.

I feel like I don’t have a support system at all.

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Wiseman is right -- do not do a thing at home, not one thing, and don't trust anyone connected to your husband. You need a lawyer, you need a plan, you need to go. So he will leave you if you tell? So what, he is going out of his way to make you crazy and miserable -- that is not love. You need a support system? Go out and get one -- plenty of support groups for divorcing and abused women (and I know you think he is a dear, but once you are out and get some therapy, which you should, you will see what a creep this guy really is).

 

I have a friend who fought tooth and nail for a marriage to a guy who was completely self-centered and did NOTHING -- she paid for and did everything. She finally left and within a few weeks got a much clearer understanding of how distorted her view was by being with someone who treated her so badly. Now she is getting help and moving on -- and it is hard, but she is going to be so much better off not being married to slug like him. Your circumstances are different (her husband is insufficiently motivated and attractive to have affairs) but you will get out, you will get help and you will find it hard to believe that you fell for all of his bull and that you thought there was good there.

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Are your house and dog worth living with humiliation every day? What about when he starts bringing women to that house you love?

 

If keeping the house and your dog are worth it, then just accept that your husband will behave as though he is single, probably right in front of you.

 

If not...look into resources and find a way out.

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After 10 years of being with my husband, I learned a lot about him these past three days I have just a shock to me. We are 30 years old, no kids. We have what we both have expressed is a lovely life together, we have a healthy sex life, still enjoy doing so many things together and have a home that we are both very thankful for. We love each other’s company and affection. This has been communicated by both of us to each other.

 

two nights ago, hell broke loose. He asked me if he could get a drink with a female friend, one he worked with and whom I’ve only met once. He has expressed that this girl is very pretty on multiple occasions. I was OK with him getting the drink. He said he wouldn’t be gone too long and we would watch a movie together later. He ended up being gone until one in the morning, never calling me or communicating with me. Later I found out that he had actually driven back with her to her house alone and several more lies followed until I did investigating and confronted him. I don’t think they did anything But talk, because he’s let me know his job is number one and he wouldn’t put himself in the situation of embarrassment at work. It still really hurt me that he had spent so many hours with her, they texted the next day and he has spent time for an hour or two talking with her on the phone. He says it’s all to help him decompress from work because I can’t help him in that way because I don’t know his field.

In the past he has been unfaithful to me, twice. he has gone down on one woman and has felt the breasts of another. Last night he said he doesn’t understand why I was so upset about those situations. After conveying to him that these things hurt me and that I’m OK with having female friends but I’m not OK with him engaging in sexual acts that hurt me, he let me know that he thinks it’s healthy. He thinks that by getting attention from other women keeps him wanting to stay fit and attractive so that I have a fit and attractive husband. he also says that as long as I don’t know about things that I don’t get hurt and he gets his attention and fulfilament. He says “would you rather be with a fat husband?” within our big fight he also expressed that he doesn’t believe in monogamy, that he thinks it’s absolutely absurd it to be with just the same person for the rest of your life. he said he can’t imagine only touching one pair of breasts for the rest of his life. he said he thinks that there’s no way people can stay together and that he’s going to get bored. Yet at the same time he says he really loves me and he really loves our life and isnt bored. when I asked him if he could please be honest with me and not cross the boundary line he thinks that the boundary line should be penetration. He thinks that things like making out or touching other women are OK because it enhances his self-esteem. He said that he would “try“. I talked to him about the idea Of having these needs met by going to a strip club or doing things with another woman in which I Am also there and I agree to. We have done that before and it’s been great because I have given permission that I’m OK with him touching of the other female as long as I’m there. But he thinks that’s not enough. He doesn’t want it to have to be a stripper I think he wants it to be an actual female that converses with him and pays him attention.

I think he has some mental health issues needing to be addressed. He agreed that he isn’t the norm and is an . I told him I don’t think I can be with someone like him anymore and he has challenged me to leave. He says I won’t do it. He says I don’t have enough self worth to leave him. He is right, I’m scared. I love my life (so I thought before all this came out) and I’ve been with him for 10 years... this is devastating to me. Please help

 

I can see why you are in such a tough place. This relationship has spanned almost your entire adult life and his antics have become your norm.

 

I don't think he will change. And I do believe it will get ugly if/when you leave him.

 

I think you do need to get out, but I also think you need a plan because your whole life is wrapped up in his. Your best friend is his sister, and your parents are useless.

 

Set a date to leave some time in the future, maybe a year, maybe two years. You've been with him 10 years, you can put up with another year or two.

 

Take this time to disengage from him and his life. Be outwardly the same while inwardly detaching.

 

You have to sail past potential arguments, so don't get bogged down by who gets the dog or who owns what. Let it go, or you will stay trapped.

 

Other than that, nobody can outline the steps for you; it will have to be intuitive. Maybe you'll need to develop new friendships. Maybe you'll need to take up some hobbies. Maybe you will have to move. Just keep your goal in mind and let it be your guide.

 

It's pretty much an exercise in visualization. Just keep the goal of leaving him in your mind and that will help you with each next step that you have to take.

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I'm honestly baffled about the fact that he cheated on you twice and you just let him get away with it! And not only that but you also wanted to oblige him by letting him go to strip clubs to satisfy his need to be with other women. I don't think going to strip clubs is wrong and I go to them too. But the issue I see here is instead of "socking it" it to him for cheapting on you and being angry, you act like it's OK and you keep giving him more chances and opportunities to see other women naked. You shouldn't be acting like it's fine and that you're trying to please him.

 

He is MARRIED to you. HE made the choice to get married. If he's non monogamous/polyamorous, whatever, he should have told you that from when you were first dating. And if so then the last ten years should have been an open relationship where you're also seeing other men. I don't think he even wants an open relationship because he expects a committed marriage from you and it's only HIM that gets to be with other women and do whatever he wants. You should not be putting up with it and you shouldn't have let him get away with cheating. He keeps doing it because you're acting like a doormat and you met him do it.

 

Personally I think this marriage has run its course. He has shown you many times that he's a cheater and he doesn't want to be faithful to you. If he wants to be non monogamous with partners then sure that's his choice. But you don't want that, so it's time for you to let him go. I have polyamorous friends and they date other people who are the same. That's fine, to each their own. I personally wouldn't date a poly person because I'm not poly myself. So if you're not poly then what are you doing with this guy? Besides I think he is full of it because he's not even poly. He's just a horny guy who doesn't respect his wife enough and wants to cheat.

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And really, the cheating is bad, but the fact that he feels completely comfortable threatening you about his family and because of his status as an officer of the law is dangerous and reprehensible. You MUST tell a lawyer about that. He is planning to harass you and make your life hell if you leave because he is a bully. This guy is trash.

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Your marriage is over.

 

He is never going to be satisfied with just you. He has expressed to you in many ways now that he wants more than just you. A stripper won't ever be enough (although to be honest, even that is messed up).

 

He wants you and women on the side.

 

It's not going to change, in fact, it will get worse, where if you don't agree to an open marriage, he will cheat and lie and cheat and lie some more.

 

At this point, the best you can do is discuss divorce.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Absolutely not I know I can’t do this or deserve this. I am struggling so hard to leave... I love my home, our dog, the things we do together and share. I love our life together, it’s been absolutely beautiful and he shows me a lot of love and affection. That is why this is all so so painful. He has been my best friend for 10 years. How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly - I know he will find a way to keep our dog. I am so scared. To start over at 30 and loose this life we have worked hard to build together.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. We have seen all too often, a partner forgiven for infidelity then assumes the bar is lower and that they will be forgiven again / will be able to explain it away again.

 

That is not to say that trust cannot be rebuilt, but it is very hard. And the cheater has to take the lead role in marriage counselling.

 

Many of us here "started over" in our 40s and even 50s. Don't let fear prevent you from confronting and dealing with the situation. You are young. Don't become defined by this abusive toxic relationship.

 

Use your support network (friends & family). See a therapist - just you. Be strong. Good luck

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Are your house and dog worth living with humiliation every day? What about when he starts bringing women to that house you love?

 

If keeping the house and your dog are worth it, then just accept that your husband will behave as though he is single, probably right in front of you.

 

If not...look into resources and find a way out.

 

 

Take the dog :)

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Absolutely not I know I can’t do this or deserve this. I am struggling so hard to leave... I love my home, our dog, the things we do together and share. I love our life together, it’s been absolutely beautiful and he shows me a lot of love and affection. That is why this is all so so painful. He has been my best friend for 10 years. How to I even start moving towards separation. He is in law enforcement and threatens me that it will get ugly - I know he will find a way to keep our dog. I am so scared. To start over at 30 and loose this life we have worked hard to build together.

 

He is NOT your friend.

 

When i was divorced, I took the dog and left the house with the clothes on my back. I don't regret it.

Please, see an attorney. But also, speak to someone on the abuse hotline and tell them you are looking for counseling resources because your husband is scaring you. he is cheating and telling you that he is law enforcement and can make things ugly for you if you leave or try to get help for yourself. you are afraid if you talk to anyone he will retaliate and feels no one can stop him. There is a way. Don't worry about the house for now. there is a way to get you and your dog safe.

 

Do you have any money that is separate from him? even just mad money?

Do you have family?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't regard it as "dirt". This is someone's life and I'm sure she's in a lot of pain. It's not entertainment.

 

At some point we have to look at our choices and decide which ones are no longer serving us. I find it hard to believe everything was perfect for 10 years and suddenly things went sideways. Although my friend's husband SEEMED to be a loyal, committed husband until he had to travel for work. Then he turned into a philandering lying POS who didn't even try to hide it all that well. So I suppose it could happen.

 

OP, please reflect on whether a house with acreage is worth putting up with a cheating spouse who isn't even ashamed or trying to hide it.

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