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I wish I had someone that would get to know me before they judged me


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.. I was having a discussion with a family friend I've known since I was young. She is a friend of my grandmother's. She started discussing about me looking into getting disability for myself, it kind of upset me that she would even bring it up. I explained to her that I didn't want to be labelled, like cool free money but if I have the ability to work and enjoy doing so why would I take an easy route. That's just not me.. I don't deny that something is wrong but we all have problems, I'm not losing my marbles it's not impacting me as a person. I would love some therapy just to explain what hell I've been through these last 28 years maybe some medicine to help me focus. I've endured a life worth of abuse and I think that has impacted me more than some "disability"


No one understands the impact of being raised by a narcissist if they themselves have never endured it, my grandmother is a different person in public. No one gets to see the real monster she is behind closed doors. So it really struck me when she started discussing things that my grandmother tells me. Ive been thinking about it all day long honestly. The idea that people base me off of what an actual crazy person has told them and then discussing it with me or about me.


Then I explained to her the amount of abuse and being held back I've endured she brings up my child's dad saying it was his fault and said let's be real "boys" hold us back. I'm like but I'm not even focused on men at this moment I'm looking to build up so I can get the hell out of this loop I'm stuck in. My family is so damn toxic as is , why would a practical stranger feel the need to discuss my life and what I need to do with it... I feel so judged and hated, yet misunderstood because no one gets to know the person I am. My grandma acts like she's living through me, I can't ever talk on my own or speak up for myself. She tells everyone my business



These are all ploys to make herself look like the victim, then to everyone else I look like a spoiled brat but behind closed doors I'm called all types of ,es, fat, lowlife druggie when I don't even do drugs. She doesn't believe I can do anything for myself and ruined it for me the one time I did to prove I needed her. I hate narcissist, I hate the way they destroy people and their families.



I'm fed tf up. Everyone treats me the same I can't wait for the day I can leave this state, some people's families aren't good for them and mine is a perfect example of that.

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There's a good journal section of the forum. You can always let off steam journaling in there but the moderators have rules. You can check them out under Forum Rules in the tab above. It can be a way for you to track how you feel and keep any goals (personal or otherwise) that you might have in mind for yourself and your child in the new year for example.


Do you have a particular question in mind regarding your situation?

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This is a good place to vent and get some feedback.


But, can I say at the outset, it is no substitute for some proper therapy, which you say you want to have.


Do you talk to your grandmother's friend often, or ever confide in her? You say she is a "practical stranger" but you seem to have known her for many years. Did this lady approach you out of the blue?


It sounds like this friend of your grandmother is suggesting that your child's father is the cause of some problems, not your grandmother. Regardless of the cause, starting some therapy sounds like a good idea because you sound quite angry in your OP.


Do you live with your grandmother? How old is your child?


You say you are looking to "build up" and get out. Do you have a plan in place to gather together the financial resources to get a place of your own away from your grandmother?

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Thanks for replying, She was a neighbor that became friends with my grandma years ago when i was little, i rarely talk with her nor confided in her basically she listens to everything my grandmother says about me. So she came out of the blue with the discussion once my grandmother left us alone. She's right about my child's dad but my biggest problem is the relationship I have with my grandmother, she raised me and has made it where I'm completely dependent on her for everything. I once had everything together in life but I allowed her in and she took over everything because I was failing financially and I did need her but she used that as a method of control. She uses the fact I live with her as a way to justify her abuse.


I do live with her now , my child is 2 and has some developmental delays


Things should be getting better now that I'll be getting financial assistance for my baby, I have a few plans set up but Im afraid my grandma is going to find some way to mess it up for us. Fingers crossed it won't happen... I really hope to get therapy so I won't feel alone while going through all this.

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I'm sorry you're going through this, Philflames.


I agree with others regarding professional therapy.


I hope you are planning an exit strategy. If not out of state, at least faraway with permanent boundaries.


Whenever anyone gossips or bad mouths others to me, I am the judge regarding what I wish to believe or not. If someone spreads rumors to me, I'm less apt to believe them because I have a mind of my own and I can discern for myself. In fact, the more they criticize a person behind their back, the more wary and jaded I feel towards the person giving me this tawdry information. Why? Because they're gossiping about me behind my back. I don't trust them.


Know you are your own person and you don't have to prove anything to anybody. I hope you can escape soon somehow.


I agree with you, narcissism is horrible. It's a serious mental disorder for which there is no cure. I know a few narcissists in my life and I just stay faraway from them. Unfortunately, our paths cross several times a year and after that, I revert to living a normal, content life again.

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Ok, I see what you are saying - you became dependent on your grandma financially, and she used that as weapon to try and control you.


Not necessarily narcissistic (a label too often thrown around) though, it could simply be a type of obsessive control behavior.


Firstly, forget about the neighbour - if she comes at you again tell her its not her business.


Secondly, work on your plans without giving any information about them to your grandma.


If you are working and earning, and your grandma is doing some child-minding for free, you may as well make use of it while it is there.

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What do they perceive is your disability?


ETA - do you mean disability for your child? If so while I’m sure they are trying to help you’re right, it’s not actual income to live off of. It’s to help with raising him.


I had an abusive parent too. I slept in my car rather than went back. I refused to go back, people do get it, childhood scars have a ripple affect.


But the reality is you accepted her help then resented her. Justified or not, I’m not saying you aren’t but she did help you, she is currently helping you. You are 28, you are capable of caring for yourself. Capable of walking away from toxicity, it’s actually not that hard. You’re dramatizing it way more than necessary, simply walk away, you have to be independent first. You aren’t an angsty 14 year old, you’re a grown woman with a child. Make a plan, execute it. I wish you luck. One day at a time, it will be hard but worth it.

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I can relate, my mom is like this, behind closed doors she's a very different person than who she presents herself as, it's very deliberate and calculated, however I have been out from under her thumb for many years, it didn't undo the toxic seeds she planted but, as time goes by I can see how small insignificant and fearful her reality is, my hope is that anyone living in that situation can find a way out, and distance themselves from all of it.

Keep planning, make your hope a reality, dream bigger and better than what she says of you, leave it behind and live the good life with your child.

Someday you will surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you, like you, and support your dreams. These people will be in your past.

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Sorry to hear this. Are you working? Going to school? Do you support yourself? Does your child's father pay child support? The only one "labeling you" is yourself. Other people are making suggestions based on your complaints to them about your life, your parents etc.


If you can work, work if not you would be wise to get to a doctor and get some help. Family are not therapists or doctors.

She started discussing about me looking into getting disability for myself, it kind of upset me that she would even bring it up. I explained to her the amount of abuse and being held back I've endured she brings up my child's dad
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“I explained to her that I didn't want to be labelled, like cool free money but if I have the ability to work and enjoy doing so why would I take an easy route. That's just not me..”


Yet then you say “I was failing financially and I did need her”


You sound so ungrateful. This woman raised you. You are responsible as an adult and a mother for providing a roof over your and your kids head. Just as she did for you. You failed to do that independently. Your grandmother is still providing and you are on here berating her for that.


You ARE taking the easy route.

And here complaining about it???

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Thanks for the info, I hope not to use this often...



I guess my question would be how do you leave a toxic life behind for good ?


I understand you situation a little because my mom was one of those people who was only crazy behind closed doors. So if I act up, the rest of the family and family friends are like, "Why's Jibralta such an assh*le?"


It's maddening, yes.


What can you do? Well, I went to therapy for years. I did that whenever I could. Talking to someone helped.


Another thing that helped was journaling. That actually helped a lot. So, don't limit yourself from journaling.


A third thing that helped was getting away, finding normal friends, having normal coworkers and a job where I had responsibility and the opportunity to make good decisions.


Also, having a kind, supportive boyfriend is also extremely helpful. When you are raised in an abusive environment with skewed relationships, it can be difficult to identify healthy boundaries. But journaling and talking to others will help you to do this.

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Yeah I was with my partner 2 years ago raising our child, being that he has special needs and his dad not being involved since we broke up its taken a huge toll on me financially. I was working and had daycare set up but my son was constantly getting sick and me being the only parent meant I had to stop working full time and made my reliability as an employee slim. Eventually I lost my job.


Also my grandmother lost her place and needed somewhere to stay for 2 weeks she ended up staying for much longer and used finances as a way to control my place, my son's dad was struggling to make ends meet on his own. She took over completely and was constantly in our relationship we eventually broke up not even a month of her being there. She would threaten me saying if he stayed she would leave so I chose her over him being that I had better chance to stay afloat. Being that i had to be home with my son because he requires alot of patience and energy. I don't make the kind of money for a good quality babysitter to pay for the amount of things she will have to deal with. Finding a decent daycare for free is hard too they require more teachers while he's there. My baby is a handful and I hate feeling like a burden because even as his mom its way too much for me at times.


She also left after making things a lot worse than they were. I was left alone with the baby. His dad and I weren't on the best of terms prior to her coming in and it just made the situation a lot worse once she got there. I haven't been able to get my life back on track since then.


I don't mean to sound ungrateful I love my grandma but she has made life hell on earth I would've rather went into foster care.

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No, I'm hoping to get disability for him soon she was saying get some for myself too.


Yes before I had my son, I did everything in my power to keep my independence. I had my own place and worked 2-3 jobs. I didnt ask her for anything knowing how she is.


It's been really hard she was so overbearing, and didn't want anyone to be independent she doesn't even let my grandfather do anything she controls everything and I was 22 still letting her control me. I was afraid to leave knowing I would be alone and barely knew a lick of anything about the real world. I never had a social life, didn't have any confidence. So even though I'm 28 mentally im probably younger. This is what happens when you've been severely abused and deprived of independence. Everytime I find independence it falls through again it's never ending struggling. Being my age especially people expect a lot more from you but I live life mostly confused and overwhelmed. Still learning things I should've known in my teens

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‘Still learning things I should have learned in my teens’


Like birth control?


Look, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but you claim arrested development while you had a live in boyfriend who knocked you up even though apparently the both of you barely took care of yourselves. Those are adult choices, grandmas control must not have been that dang strong.


You chose her over your boyfriend because she had the money.


Let’s not tip toe around that fact.


You made choices.


Your grandmother is going to be who she is, that doesn’t excuse you from being who you’ve been. If you don’t recognize that, you will forever be in this cycle where you view yourself as a helpless victim.


YOU have to choose to cut ties.

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Okay I admit Ive made poor choices, then I wasn't as self aware as I am now. I definitely realized I put myself in this situation. It's easy to continue a pattern out of comfort or thinking you deserve a lot less than you do.


I couldve cared less if she paid anything, more so because she's my family I felt I was doing the right thing, she raised me and that guilt is what keeps me tied to her like I owe her something for taking me in when I was a child,


I feel like you're kind of basing my situation off of the fact you were strong enough to walk away. That's the only jerk vibe I'm getting. Not everyone is as mentally strong or capable. You figured it out and got away when you had the chance. I'm still trying to.

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You need to stand up for yourself and go to social services and appropriate doctors for documentation for your son. You also need to go to court and secure child support for your son. That is not labeling, that is common sense survival and ascertaining financial independence from family you don't like..Stand up for yourself and your son and stop blaming everything on this grandmother. If you depend on her financially or for child care, then you have to interact with her.

I was with my partner 2 years ago raising our child, being that he has special needs and his dad not being involved since we broke up its taken a huge toll on me financially. I lost my job. I was left alone with the baby. His dad and I weren't on the best of terms
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