Jump to content

I don't know what to think


Skylark89
 Share

Recommended Posts

Not sure what to think anymore. Am I overthinking? Is he stringing me along?

 

I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now. We have a few mutual friends. He seemed really interested in the beginning - texting a lot and eventually calling often. He's still been texting, but he hasn't called me since last week. Yet, I know he's had a lot going on lately - his dad's in the hospital and he's been stressed and busy with work. I haven't called because I didn't want to bother him. I've tried to be understanding and give space...but I can't help that nagging feeling. Lately, I feel like his interest has been fading. Even before his dad was in the hospital, I felt like his interest was confusing.

 

Sometimes, he'll text frequently. Other times, he'll take hours to respond or never respond until I text again. Yesterday, I ended up texting him, "Hi" to which he immediately replied with a "Hi." However, he didn't say anything else. Roughly an hour later, I texted, "What did you do today?" and he never responded. I was puzzled again. (I realize it probably would have been better that I had called, but I already sent the text. So, I decided not to call. I don't want to come across as needy or clingy.) Per advice online, I decided to give him 48 hours to respond. If I didn't hear anything, I would know he wasn't interested anymore.

 

Well, he replied this morning. "Just working and trying to keep my thoughts on that. If friends ask where I've been, just tell them I'll be back soon."

 

Okay... Do I reply? I don't know what to reply. (And he's capable of telling them himself. :/ ) Should I just take it for face value and continue giving him space? Should I call him?

 

I miss talking to him. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Give him lots of space and time. He has a lot on his plate right now with his dad in the hospital, stressed and busy with work. Cut the poor guy some slack. Not everyone has brain space and time for texting and a relationship while juggling so many balls up in the air all at once. There are only so many hours in a day.

 

Follow his cue. When he's ready to resume regular contact, then go with the flow.

 

As to what to reply, reply this: "Just thinking of you and please let me know when we can meet for a meal or take a walk. Thanks!" Something like that and wait a few weeks. If he's unenthusiastic to meet you after several weeks, there's your answer. He's not interested in dating you. He's not willing to invest his time, energy and resources into you. His actions or lack thereof will speak louder than words. Take a hint.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At a little over a month, I don't think you should be his secretary, wife or mother. You can be kind but assertive and start to draw some boundaries in your relationship with him. Do you have any other examples of how his interest seems to be waning aside from the slower texts and lull in conversations? In future, if you're going to text someone, I'd add a little more there from the get go. I don't think there's anything wrong with texting him if that's your main form of communication - just make it seem more personal or like a voicemail if you're going to do the same thing checking in on him on a weekend again. I'd ask him if he wants company on a Friday or Saturday evening or when you both are usually free. If he keeps declining, I don't think this person is sorted or ok to support dating in any minimal sense of the word. You shouldn't feel obligated to stay.

 

I think what you might be looking for unfortunately is the same chatty and talkative man or the same guy who used to be an upbeat or interesting conversationalist. If his dad's critically ill or in palliative care for example, it's likely not going to happen. That kind of shadow hangs over a household for awhile and hurts the whole family. I don't think work stress should be an excuse for lack of communication while dating.

 

A lot of people won't come out and explain what they're going through if they're going through a tough time. There's all that haze and the only thing going through that person's mind is what they're losing or what they're about to lose if it's the loss of someone. During that time the only things that appealed to me were listening to others who had been through the same thing. I was very cognizant of that though and my rejection of most of the outside world. He should be honest with you too eventually and if he doesn't have the strength to do that, you take care of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All of this makes me so so happy I didn't have a cell phone when I dated (I was a late comer) and while I used instant messenger and email it was not the same need or even desire for constant contact/checking in. Once I'd dated someone several times and it was clear we were exclusive or soon to be, typically we spoke by phone most nights if we weren't going to see each other than night, and emailed some during the day. That's it. We got to know each other mostly in person. We didn't know all the mundane details and plans of daily life nor did we need to. Even now, married and with a child, I often will email him the mundane stuff he needs to know so we don't bore each other in person. When we were dating we liked to talk on the phone for around 20-40 minutes daily, in the evening, and we emailed a few times a day. And when you feel secure with someone you don't worry if you don't hear from the person -other than being concerned that the person is ok if he misses a typical time to call you, etc.

 

You're too available to him and you're overwhelming him at a time when he has tons of stuff going on. I'd move on for now, assume if/when he wants to see you again he'll be in touch. Let him miss you a bit and come to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let it go.

 

This guy is in no place to entertain or pursue you. His dad is ill and in the hospital and his lack of interest should be obvious that the man doesn't have the time or energy. If you want to be patient, leave it and wait for him to reach out.

 

Texting a random Hi to someone you are interested in but who is also going thru a tough time, is going to get ignored.

 

In the future, communicating a thoughtful message will help you even if the guy doesn't reciprocate... maybe along the lines of: "I know you are busy and under a lot of stress with your dad and job but just wanted to let you know I am here if you need anything."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the help, everyone! I sent a message per @Cherylyn's and @LootieTootie's suggestion. And I agree with you @SarahLancaster.

 

@Rose Mosse Yeah, I have a few other examples that I could give. They probably don't really matter, right now. Usually, I try to give a little more than inconsequential texts. I just wasn't sure what to write. Like I said, I don't want to bother him too much. I understand his dad is top priority, right now.

 

@Hollyj Yes, we've met.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I need to clear something up. No where did I say his dad was in the hospital in critical care or for a serious illness. You are assuming. I didn't want to give too many details for fear he might read this thread. I probably should have clarified.

 

His dad got injured, nothing life threatening...yet, still important for him to be there. His family is really close. His dad has some other problems too...but my guy worries because his dad is getting older. I forgot to mention that my guy has GAD. From what I've heard, his dad is actually back at home now. I was just trying to do the right thing and give him time and space for that, because it's obviously more important. I did say that he's been stressed and busy with work, as well. And I did mention that his interest has been waning since before his dad was in the hospital.

 

I just thought his text was a bit strange. I wasn't sure how to reply. I kind of felt like a secretary.

 

And...I've been questioning his interest lately.

 

I'll keep with the message I sent and see where this goes. I'll try to keep you updated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't like his tone with you in your first post and picked up on the lack of interest. Hope things clear up soon with him and return back to normal but it sounds like he's anxious or depressed about future events (his dad's health and age). There are ways to cope with that. Maybe he's not coping properly and needs outside help - no shame in that. If you like him a lot, I'd see where this goes. If not, you're under no obligation to see him again even though you texted him to contact you when he's "ready". It could be days, weeks or months. You're back at square one - not his secretary this time but his "when I have the energy gf". The relationship is too new for this. I don't think anyone deserves that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At a little over a month, I don't think you should be his secretary, wife or mother. You can be kind but assertive and start to draw some boundaries in your relationship with him.

 

Agreed. I think his response was really weird. Let him handle his own conversations with people and you take care of yourself. I'd just write him off after a response like that. What a joke--it really does make me laugh :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When did you last see him in person or go on a date? That is the real measure of interest. Stop sending nonsense text like "hi" and saying nothing. Why not text something meaningful such as 'hope your dad is doing better' rather than mindless pings. Leave him alone if he is not responding or initiating anything. If you are not actually going on dates in person regularly, then you are not dating.

I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now.Yesterday, I ended up texting him, "Hi" to which he immediately replied with a "Hi."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh !!!

His dad was in hospital for something minor and YOU knew that!!!

Yet failed to mention that ?

 

He is NOT interested. And pathetically used that as an excuse for being MIA?

 

Shame on him! Clearly not someone you would want to date or waste your time writing a post about ? Right???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When a guy is into you, he makes that crystal clear. And the first 30 days is usually when hormones run the wildest and a dating couple can't get enough of each other. Obviously you feel that way, and he doesn't. It sounds like if you stop making the first effort in communication, he will fade away, so let him.

 

In the future, never make more effort than the guy so that you can gauge his interest a lot sooner than you have, since some guys are cowards about breaking up. They will reply, but would gladly be relieved if you lost interest and no further contact was necessary. Some of them act like jerks so you will pull the plug and he doesn't have to deal with drama if he ends it and has to listen to crying.

 

Hold out for the guy who treats you as the treasure you are. Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

From your description, it sounds like in your effort not to appear "needy or clingy" that you are appearing about as dull as possible. "Hi?" It is obnoxious to have to keep generating device conversations when the other person doesn't have something legit to say. Yeah, he's probably lost interest from the initial few days. If this was real dating, after a month there would be regular conversations through mutual contact with date nights, and the texts would be supplemental. This sounds more like a social media acquaintanceship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...