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Ex met somebody else. Despite saying he needed time to go through his divorce


marshmallow107
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Struggling to accept this.

 

I’ve posted before about breaking up with my boyfriend. Long story cut short...he was separated from his wife, we had what I thought was a great relationship. He treated me well. We were very happy. Until his feelings suddenly seemed to change and he decided he wasn’t ‘ready’. That he needed time to be by himself and go through his divorce. That it was too soon.

 

It was really tough but we managed to stay amicable and I tried to understand. However...he’s already with somebody else. Got with her very quickly. And even worse, he knew her whilst we were together.

 

I’m finding this very hard to understand. I get that these things happen. But I can’t help but feel very very hurt that he’s rushing into something with somebody else so soon (and doing exactly what he did with me at the start).

 

He’s keeping very quiet to be honest - although she very much isn’t (not that I blame her - it’s hardly her fault).

 

I’m hurt. I know I need to move on and I am trying to. I don’t want him back, I couldn’t after this. But I’m struggling to understand how things can go from being so happy, to suddenly not being happy, to suddenly jumping into something and being ‘even happier’ with somebody else. Eugh.

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It’s hard not to take it personally when the reason changes from...‘you’re wonderful I just need time as I’m still healing’ to ‘I wasn’t in love with you anymore’. Despite the fact that he was the first to say the I love yous and how ‘right’ he felt it all was.

 

Also feel like my judgement is completely out. My concern was always that he was rebounding. He did everything to make me believe he wasn’t.

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9 months. I know it doesn’t seem that long but it was honestly such a happy 9 months. I do care for him and I want him to be happy. I don’t think he ever meant to hurt me as much as he did. I think he just got carried away and he moved it along quicker than he was ready for.

 

But what I’m hurt about is that he seems to be doing the exact same thing again even though he said he wouldn’t.

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I read somewhere once, that statistically the first relationship you have post divorce rarely works out. I read this years ago and have since payed close attention to my actions and those around me. From my experiences, I can say it's pretty much true.

 

I would also choose not to date someone who was newly out of a marriage.

 

When I met my current bf he had been separated for over a year. He had dated someone for 6 months prior, ended it and spent some time single, prior to us meeting.

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I know - and I really was so cautious. But it just seemed so right at the time. I took it slowly. He pushed it forwards. Sounds daft but I’ve dated a lot of bad eggs and I honestly though this could be ‘it’ - at the time he ended up being everything I didn’t realise I was looking for - and he always said the same about me.

 

I think I would be less hurt if he had spent some time on his own after we ended...or if he eventually met somebody brand new. I feel a little uncomfortable with how quickly it has all happened to be honest

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I read somewhere once, that statistically the first relationship you have post divorce rarely works out. I read this years ago and have since payed close attention to my actions and those around me. From my experiences, I can say it's pretty much true.

 

I would also choose not to date someone who was newly out of a marriage.

 

When I met my current bf he had been separated for over a year. He had dated someone for 6 months prior, ended it and spent some time single, prior to us meeting.

 

He had been separated for a year too. He had dated a couple of people - but I was his first proper relationship

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But what I’m hurt about is that he seems to be doing the exact same thing again even though he said he wouldn’t.

 

That's completely understandable. It is painful when we realize things weren't what they seemed, and tough not to take it personally.

 

All you can do is keep your distance as much as possible, which leads me to the next question: how did you find out about his new relationship, and that she's not keeping it quiet while he is?

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I have a feeling he told you that so he could get with this other woman he "Knew" before his feelings changed for you.

 

I know it is hard to be replaced and lied to but that is what he did. If he truly wasn't ready then why jump right into another relationship? Because what he told you was not true, it was an excuse to break up with you so he could date the new woman.

 

Accepting these things are way harder than the actual breakup and heartache. Try and see this for what it really is and who he really is. Either he has multiple personalities or he lied to you.

 

I would stop being his friend as it is just a very painful reminder, besides you don't need a friend like that...

 

Lost

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We met up a couple of months ago. Things were still amicable between us - we weren’t talking regularly but would say happy birthdays and well done on special events etc.

 

We met for a walk and to talk things through. I asked if he’d dated - He said he’d been on a date - but at the time it had only been a date. He very much played it down and said he wanted to take things slowly...that he wasn’t in a relationship.

 

But after that I told him I needed space and we didn’t speak.

 

We have quite a few mutual friends as we used to be part of the same gym. He’s still there, I’m not but I’m still friends with a few members. She is also a member of the gym so i saw some photos pop up - from parties etc. Then I realised that she is posting left right and centre. I have since blocked her as it was too hard to see.

 

We spoke last week - no excuses really except I saw he’d taken part in an event that he’s always wanted to do and I was genuinely really proud and happy for him so I said well done. He tells me he is happy and the reason he’s been quiet is because he felt it was the right thing for both of us. I obviously want him to be happy but I do have times where I miss his friendship. We chatted for 2 hours.

 

We haven’t spoken since and I don’t intend to contact him

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I have a feeling he told you that so he could get with this other woman he "Knew" before his feelings changed for you.

 

I know it is hard to be replaced and lied to but that is what he did. If he truly wasn't ready then why jump right into another relationship? Because what he told you was not true, it was an excuse to break up with you so he could date the new woman.

 

Accepting these things are way harder than the actual breakup and heartache. Try and see this for what it really is and who he really is. Either he has multiple personalities or he lied to you.

 

I would stop being his friend as it is just a very painful reminder, besides you don't need a friend like that...

 

Lost

 

 

 

I know. This is what Hurts so much. That he already knew her. He is adamant that this isn’t the case and that nothing happened between them until a few months after we broke up. I believe that but I don’t believe he wasn’t pursuing her as soon as he ended things with me

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We haven’t spoken since and I don’t intend to contact him

 

You need to block/delete him on social media and on your phone. And any friends of his.

 

The healing process goes quicker if you do no contact properly. This means no happy birthdays etc.

 

This bloke dumped you and it seems like he had your replacement lined up. He is not your friend. You remaining in contact just validates his actions, and makes you look like you are prepared to accept his behavior and will take him back if he gets tired of the new girl. Don't be that doormat.

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I know. This is what Hurts so much. That he already knew her. He is adamant that this isn’t the case and that nothing happened between them until a few months after we broke up. I believe that but I don’t believe he wasn’t pursuing her as soon as he ended things with me

 

The flirting and all the rest comes way before exchanging numbers or going out on an official date. This guy has not been honest with you but you know what? It doesn't really matter now does it? You are broken up and the cause at this point is a mute point.

 

Take some time to heal and then get back out there, I am sure there are tons of guys that would love to date you.

 

Lost

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Look, if you have a history of dating bad apples, it's time to sit yourself down and sort yourself out. This guy you thought could be the one? Why is that? Because he insisted, pursued you and told you what you want to hear. That, OP, is how you end up with bad apples. You are listening to words and assuming that a hard chase means something deeper while completely ignoring reality and unpleasant facts.

 

The unpleasant facts in this case are that the guy is still married, that the moment he separated, he immediately started dating other women, he continued that pattern of jumping from woman to woman with you. The surprise that things ended how they did should be zero. So predictable it's not even funny. The point is that you need to learn to see these kinds of train wrecks coming at you and use your common sense and intuition to step out of the way no matter how hard they try to chase you or what bs they tell you. Learn how to weed this garbage out.

 

People are selfish, OP. If you let them use you, they will. Up to you to protect yourself better and learn to open your eyes and say no to bad deals instead of getting lost in fairy tale promises. As you can see, that never seems to get you the relationship that you want. Time to sort yourself out and get a different approach to dating. Pay attention to what the guy does, how he lives, his dating history, how he treats you and others around him, all of it. Make sure it's all good and consistent. Listen to your own inner voice and if it's telling you something isn't right, walk away. Do not stick around and rationalize things. In your case, you need to be strict with that almost to the point of too strict. You'll find balance eventually, but first you need to stop giving yourself to users.

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I'm really sorry about this, marshmallow.

 

I'm also, I admit, not surprised. Have followed your threads closely, and from the first one—the infamous "wobble"—you were painting a portrait of a man who is not anchored. Which, yes, he admitted to you, and I suspect he meant everything he told you as the words left his mouth: about needing time, space to get centered, still seeing the potential, and so on.

 

Alas, those are the words of self-aware people (always seductive) who are not yet aware of how to center themselves (not seductive). They lean on others for that, often pin-balling around a bit, a track he seems to be on these days and was on when you met him. It's not you, in short, as the proverbial saying goes, but him, who he is. Not a monster, but not quite rooted guy you've been rooting for. Sounds to me he is in a place where cursory romance is the beginning and end of his depths, and it sucks to get caught up in those waters. Been in your shoes—and, being honest, I know I've been in his too.

 

I wouldn't spin too deep and fast, replaying the whole thing, looking for earliest record scratches, and chastising yourself for failing to respond differently. I do think, moving forward, that it's a very safe bet to assume that certain phrases—"needing space," "hoping to reconnect," "never felt this way, but I'm just also struggling to...," and so forth—are the words of someone you don't want to be with. People who are more rooted can experience those feelings without being completely thrown by them, which is to say they can experience them inside relationships rather than seeing them as impediments to connections, then going off to try on new versions of themselves with new people.

 

Sorry again. None of this is a verdict on your own inner awesome, and the awesome you have in you to share with someone, and be celebrated by someone. It just affirms a truth that has been simmering since July, which is that this is not the man to invest in. Feel what you need to feel, work on letting go.

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Look, if you have a history of dating bad apples, it's time to sit yourself down and sort yourself out. This guy you thought could be the one? Why is that? Because he insisted, pursued you and told you what you want to hear. That, OP, is how you end up with bad apples. You are listening to words and assuming that a hard chase means something deeper while completely ignoring reality and unpleasant facts.

 

The unpleasant facts in this case are that the guy is still married, that the moment he separated, he immediately started dating other women, he continued that pattern of jumping from woman to woman with you. The surprise that things ended how they did should be zero. So predictable it's not even funny. The point is that you need to learn to see these kinds of train wrecks coming at you and use your common sense and intuition to step out of the way no matter how hard they try to chase you or what bs they tell you. Learn how to weed this garbage out.

 

People are selfish, OP. If you let them use you, they will. Up to you to protect yourself better and learn to open your eyes and say no to bad deals instead of getting lost in fairy tale promises. As you can see, that never seems to get you the relationship that you want. Time to sort yourself out and get a different approach to dating. Pay attention to what the guy does, how he lives, his dating history, how he treats you and others around him, all of it. Make sure it's all good and consistent. Listen to your own inner voice and if it's telling you something isn't right, walk away. Do not stick around and rationalize things. In your case, you need to be strict with that almost to the point of too strict. You'll find balance eventually, but first you need to stop giving yourself to users.

 

Thanks for your reply dancing fool. He did have 6 months being single before he started dating. He dated a couple of people after that but not seriously. When he met me he had stopped dating and wasn’t really looking. We got introduced by mutual friends who thought of him as a really good guy.

 

I know what you’re saying - but I have to say at first I was that cautious person. I didn’t want to believe his words so I held back for a while. His actions showed me otherwise. At the time he honestly was a wonderful boyfriend. And I have wonderful memories of us together. I always want to think of our relationship like that. My friends loved him, my family loved him (and his loved me).

 

Things were right at the time. They just stopped being right for whatever reason.

 

My friends were actually so pleased id finally chosen a good one 😂

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I'm really sorry about this, marshmallow.

 

I'm also, I admit, not surprised. Have followed your threads closely, and from the first one—the infamous "wobble"—you were painting a portrait of a man who is not anchored. Which, yes, he admitted to you, and I suspect he meant everything he told you as the words left his mouth: about needing time, space to get centered, still seeing the potential, and so on.

 

Alas, those are the words of self-aware people (always seductive) who are not yet aware of how to center themselves (not seductive). They lean on others for that, often pin-balling around a bit, a track he seems to be on these days and was on when you met him. It's not you, in short, as the proverbial saying goes, but him, who he is. Not a monster, but not quite rooted guy you've been rooting for. Sounds to me he is in a place where cursory romance is the beginning and end of his depths, and it sucks to get caught up in those waters. Been in your shoes—and, being honest, I know I've been in his too.

 

I wouldn't spin too deep and fast, replaying the whole thing, looking for earliest record scratches, and chastising yourself for failing to respond differently. I do think, moving forward, that it's a very safe bet to assume that certain phrases—"needing space," "hoping to reconnect," "never felt this way, but I'm just also struggling to...," and so forth—are the words of someone you don't want to be with. People who are more rooted can experience those feelings without being completely thrown by them, which is to say they can experience them inside relationships rather than seeing them as impediments to connections, then going off to try on new versions of themselves with new people.

 

Sorry again. None of this is a verdict on your own inner awesome, and the awesome you have in you to share with someone, and be celebrated by someone. It just affirms a truth that has been simmering since July, which is that this is not the man to invest in. Feel what you need to feel, work on letting go.

 

You are always full of such wise words bluecastle! And I’m glad you’re back with more advice.

 

Don’t get me wrong...I am in a better place than I was. But knowing he met somebody else so soon did set me back a bit.

 

I can still see the good in him. I too believe he’s meant every word he’s said at the time he has said them.

 

I guess when he said those phrases I really wanted them to be true. And also feared they wouldn’t be.

 

Pinballing is an interesting phrase. I wonder whether he will pinball away from her? A feeling in my gut thinks not. I know it doesn’t make any difference to our outcome, but selfishly I guess I would feel better if he met somebody brand new - AFTER having space.

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It's tough and I empathize with you. Humans are pattern-seeking and we want to make sense of situations that appear senseless. It's hard to realize the objective reality was not, or is no longer, what our subjective reality was. Very difficult. Your brain will try to make sense of everything, but sometimes it just won't be able to, and when you're ready to let go, you won't care that it never added up.

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