Boyfriend cheated on me, and now HE is so distraught

[goddess]

Of course he's distraught! He did it to relieve and lighten his guilt! Let's not kid ourselves. He played, and now he's dealing with the consequences of his actions. Cheating is not only selfish but it shows that he has no respect for you. And then on top of that, he tells you he cheated to make himself feel better that he was so "honest' with you. Really??? Think about that, OP. It bothers me very much that you are so willing to accept his transgression. Why? He violated your trust, and that's OK with you? Like other posters said, I think you are in shock and have yet to process this whole thing.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this but I think you need to focus on yourself and not him for now, process and understand what's happened to you, and find your self respect. Don't make it so easy for him. It was a deliberate choice, whether he has feelings or not for her. It was a sh*tty thing to do to you, no matter how you look at it.

[cholsen69]

Counseling might help him. He needs to first be able to forgive himself and figure out what is the underlying cause for cheating. So he can recognize and understand how it happened. I know it can be such an ego boost to have someone new be interested. I believe he still loves you and you both can work it out, if you both want to put in the work. The saying what does not kill you makes you stronger can be very true. You may also want to go to couple counseling it helps you communicate better and understand each other. Keep communicating!! Good luck.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, i agree with backing off a bit. stop trying to reassure him and stop massaging the situation. Can he tell you why it happened/why he chose to do it?

 

One thing to note at this point: he's NOT in love with this other person, and she's not in love with him. They can't be together. They barely know eachother, and I know her, and this isn't an occasion where he has feelings for her. It was just a dumb decision of selfishness on both of their parts.

 

what does the bolded mean?

[HeartGoesOn]

Who is the ENAer whose signature line is about just backing off and how you’ll be surprised with the results that brings? She’d probably be a good one to chime in here...

 

It’s a long road back home, but many have successfully made this journey you’re on...wish I had some advice but all I have is well wishes!

 

That would be "Catfeeder," her advice is top of the line.

[MissCanuck]

I think he’s either not being honest about the extent of what happened between them and he feels guilty about that, or the cheating made him realize that he’s just not invested in your relationship anymore and he is struggling with how to break up with you.

 

Either way, you would be wise to stop pandering to him and make him feel better about betraying you. That’s on him and the way you’re currently approaching it isn’t healthy for you or what remains of the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. He's not who you thought he was. What you do know about him is that he is ready, willing and able to lie to you, cheat on you, hurt you and disrespect you.

 

Lies are like cockroaches, if you see just one you know there are many others. He may cheat all the time but only told you about this one. Get to a doctor for STD testing. He's also more interested in sex with others than your safety or well being. Think long and hard about that.

I could be wrong but my guess is he only told you because you know the person he cheated on you with.

[Wiseman2]

It's not her job to fix his wandering zipper. They are merely dating. Dating people do not need "couples counseling". If they do, they need to end it. She does not have to stay with a clown like this no less stick around to fix him.

if you both want to put in the work. You may also want to go to couple counseling

[Gary Snyder]

Well, you are lucky your boyfriend is honest. I guess if you can get over his cheating (some can, some can't) and he never does it again, perhaps the relationship will survive.

 

It might take time to get over it. kinda funny how the cheater is the one who needs time. I thought I had seen everything.

[Wiseman2]

Cheating is the antithesis of honest.

Well, you are lucky your boyfriend is honest.

[Gary Snyder]

Cheating is the antithesis of honest.

 

- that's true. Honest except for the cheating part.

[Honeycomb8]

Lol the cheating is a big part.

[abitbroken]

It's not her job to fix his wandering zipper. They are merely dating. Dating people do not need "couples counseling". If they do, they need to end it. She does not have to stay with a clown like this no less stick around to fix him.

 

The Wandering Zippers could be a good name for a band. I was thinking punk, but the Wandering part methinks sounds like a Irish folk group

[RayRay63]

I think the OP should kick this guy.

 

If he thinks he got away with it, he'll do it again.