Jump to content

Mcal24
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi All,

 

I am desperately seeking advice from your own experiences so I can make a firm decision;

 

I have known my wife since 11 years now, we got married in 2014. Our marriage like every other has had its own ups and downs but thinking back I feel that I have let things go very easily for all what she put me through. Throughout our time together I realized I have never been appreciated for what I have done, always been compared to others, sworn at and insulted in front of my inlaws.

 

1) She has always compared me with our mutual friends or her relatives stating how others earn so good and I should do more, how in her family women don't need to work and she needs to slog to bring money home. How some of her friends husband earn so good that her girl friends stay home and do all the shopping they wish to do. In her defence that is the way she motivated me so I can do better.

 

2) We had an understanding that I do the housework and she helps me as she was not required to do any work at her maternal home and she cannot cook,I work usual 9 to 6 shifts Mon to Fri and sometimes I work longer and when I return home I cook mostly everyday except for the takeout days. Never has she bothered to tell me leave the cooking for her to do and I take rest or cleaning the house. She does wash clothes only when she desperately needs her things to be washed.

 

3) I sacrifice going out meeting colleagues or friends for drinks or catchup unless my wife authorizes me to do so. So last minute plans is a complete NO. She wants me all for herself as she is unable to make good friends with her own colleagues.

 

4) She had the audacity to tell me not to send money to my own father who is jobless, diabetic, partially blind and alone at home sighting that because of this she cannot enjoy life or travel around.

 

5) She complaints about the job she has for 4 years now, not a week has gone by she moans about it but never done anything to move away from the job and then accuses me that she is in this situation because I am not capable enough. In her defense she always wished to make a career in IT but never got a chance however, she is not even willing to work on it.

 

6) She snaps for the smallest of reasons and fights with me, just 3 months back she snapped back at me saying that she regrets of being with me and living a poor life and that I come from a poor family( we stay close to central London (15 mins by tube) in a 2 bed apartment paying a good amount of money).

 

7) She snapped at me just because of a stupid flight ticket which was booked for afternoon to return to London instead of evening in front of my inlaws which not only made me feel insulted but embarrassed and I broke down in tears.

 

Now since past 3 months we are not on good talking terms as she again was abusive to me over phone and I dont wish to mend this relationship anymore and want to walk away. Please advice if the decision I am taking is fair or I need to give another chance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She sounds horrific. Why would you tolerante this abusive behaviour?

 

She should t have to work because she's a woman? Constant belittling of you in front of her family?

Think she owns your time outright?

Tells you not to help your family?

 

What is it about this 'woman' that you love because it sounds like hell from where I'm sitting.

 

Where is your self respect? Why haven't you binned her off? Do you have children together?

 

WALK AWAY.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. No this is not "like every other marriage with it's ups and downs". Is this an arranged marriage? Is there someone else you are interested in at work or from your past? Why is this suddenly a problem? You are seething with resentment and so is she. Why after all this time are you still arguing about who does what around the house? And money?

 

This is a situation of complete incompatibility, no respect, a great deal of rancor and contempt. Can you afford to move back home and take care of your father? Is he abroad?

 

Are you from different cultures, countries or socioeconomic backgrounds? How did you meet? If you knew her for Seven Years prior to marrying, why did you go through with it knowing how she is?

we got married in 2014. Our marriage like every other has had its own ups and downs. send money to my own father who is jobless, diabetic, partially blind and alone at home sighting that because of this she cannot enjoy life or travel around.
Edited by Wiseman2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Nini,

 

I have been blinded by love all these years. I only let the relationship survive as I boxed my self respect and hid it within me and believed she needed help and support. I stood with her always in good and bad times and yes she did the same for me.

 

She has had bad experience at her previous work places and the place she has survived for 4 years she hates it to the core. I have tried my best many times motivating her to get out of the place and do something but she is afraid that she will end up in another ty place. Since she started with the company not a week passes by she complaints about the job, colleague, boss etc etc.

 

When we spoke last week and I mentioned that she never appreciated me for what I did. I sometime work 10 hours and return home and without even taking rest I freshen up and start cooking and she comes home and lies on the couch. She does ask for help but for me her help is more like monitoring of what I am doing. She does say good things about the food I cook and that is what she feels is appreciating me. But she is missing the whole picture. I mentioned to her atleast take up an effort over the weekend to just let me relax and she do all the tasks.

 

We usually meet up after work and return home together, I wait for her sometimes for 15-30 mins to an hour but if we switch roles she would go mental if she had to do the same for me.

 

I believe I made a mistake for not standing up when I needed to now after discussing with my sister I am giving her a chance on my own terms that she is equally responsible at home doing chores, not being abusive and give me my space. Lets see how she things go moving forward.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is a love marriage. Yes we come from different cultures. We met when we were teens (2008) and since then we have been together.

 

It has always been a problem but I just let things go until this year in July when she texted me how she regrets marrying me and August in august when she was being verbally abusive over the phone and since then I took a step not to take this anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why would she text you this rather than simply file for divorce? Are you dependent on her for finances, support or residency? What's in this for you?

Yes we come from different cultures. It has always been a problem. this year in July when she texted me how she regrets marrying me
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What happens if you decide to file for divorce? She sounds like she may contest the divorce. If she's so helpless already with you, imagine how helpless she would be without you entirely. What would your next step be regarding separating? Do you have a place you can go to and are you ready to restart your life?

 

I'd like to know what's holding you back or any ideas /hesitations you have that are keeping you where you are now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What happens if you decide to file for divorce? She sounds like she may contest the divorce. If she's so helpless already with you, imagine how helpless she would be without you entirely. What would your next step be regarding separating? Do you have a place you can go to and are you ready to restart your life?

 

I'd like to know what's holding you back or any ideas /hesitations you have that are keeping you where you are now.

 

I held back for so many years assuming things would eventually fall into place and that she would change and be more calm and understanding. Last week when I mentioned that I wish to stay separate for couple of months to see how things go to which she was not ready and requested to stay back and give her a chance. She mentioned that moving apart would only break the relation even more and eventually she would be served with a notice.

 

I discussed with her what I am expecting from her which starts with she sharing the responsibilities of household chores and she will not expect me to do everything. She did do a bit of cooking and laundry last night but with all the extra theatrics.

 

Forgot to mention, the job I loved the most to which she used to curse mentioning one day I would be thrown away actually happened 2 weeks back. I lost the only job I loved the most where I worked for 6 years and was loved by all colleagues and managers. The reason for loss of job is company takeover :-(. On brighter note I have found a new job already and start in January.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You both sound really miserable. What is the glue that holds you together? I am curious.

 

I think what keeps me going on in this relationship is if I take a step to move out will make her and her parents life miserable. Also, I feel I was the one who accepted everything and decided to still go ahead with everything. We had an inter-cast marriage, no problems from my side but her family is quite reserved.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bad behavior leads to bad consequences. In this case, the consequence is divorce.

 

You worry that her parents will feel bad if you divorce their daughter? Yet, they don't seem to worry at all when they witness their daughter abusing and belittling you right in front of them.

 

You worry that she will feel bad, yet she doesn't seem to show any concern, care, or even basic human decency for you.

 

How about you start worrying more about your own well being and show some love to yourself. What you call love is really more codependence and you really need to delve deeper within yourself as to why you put up with abuse and make excuses for it. Just because your relationship was built on abuse and you tolerating it, doesn't mean it needs to continue. When you make a mistake, you don't keep doing it - you stop, learn from it, and move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bad behavior leads to bad consequences. In this case, the consequence is divorce.

 

You worry that her parents will feel bad if you divorce their daughter? Yet, they don't seem to worry at all when they witness their daughter abusing and belittling you right in front of them.

 

You worry that she will feel bad, yet she doesn't seem to show any concern, care, or even basic human decency for you.

 

How about you start worrying more about your own well being and show some love to yourself. What you call love is really more codependence and you really need to delve deeper within yourself as to why you put up with abuse and make excuses for it. Just because your relationship was built on abuse and you tolerating it, doesn't mean it needs to continue. When you make a mistake, you don't keep doing it - you stop, learn from it, and move on.

 

Since our last fight sometime in September when she verbally abused me and I hung up on her I have hardly spoken to her unless required. I did do most of the household chores until November end however since I finished working at my previous employment and don't start at new place until January we had a discussion around 1st week of December and last week of I moving out and she asking for another chance I made my terms clear of what I expect that she be more responsible and stop depending on me for everything.

 

I will give her time until January next year if she still manages to mess things up I am moving out straightaway. I have nothing to lose anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's your life, you don't owe her anything. If you leaving makes her and her parents miserable they are just going to have to suck it up.

 

She already sounds miserable anyway. End it and start a new life, for both of your sakes.

 

Her parents know how she is. The other day her mother messaged me requesting to end the fight and forgive her and all the heartbreaking words she has said to me, that day I did feel to just open up and say all what she did as she knows just half it but I stayed quiet thinking if I do say things I hope nothing happens to her and the blame comes to me. If I mention any of this to my mum she will explode in rage and tell me straight away to move out and I don't deserve any of this.

 

I will give a chance and see until January, if not change I walk out quietly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stop complaining to her parents and whining to your parents about the marriage. Did they arrange it or were they against an inter-caste marriage? You need to cut the apron strings and be part of your own household now.

 

Stop acting like a victim. She wants a divorce. You need to stop being at each other's throats and figure out a budget so you can send some of your money back to your parents and also figure out a household chore and errands schedule.

 

You depict her as lazy because you have to help out in household drudgery. But that's the way it goes. Make a list of who does what. Including the burden of her parents and yours, financially and time-wise. Make a list and a budget of who earns what what your expenses are, get rid of money and time wasting ...especially nonsense fighting over everyday things.

if I take a step to move out will make her and her parents life miserable. We had an inter-cast marriage, no problems from my side but her family is quite reserved.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Her parents know how she is. The other day her mother messaged me requesting to end the fight and forgive her and all the heartbreaking words she has said to me, that day I did feel to just open up and say all what she did as she knows just half it but I stayed quiet thinking if I do say things I hope nothing happens to her and the blame comes to me. If I mention any of this to my mum she will explode in rage and tell me straight away to move out and I don't deserve any of this.

 

I will give a chance and see until January, if not change I walk out quietly.

 

Her mother isn't your friend. She raised the monster that your wife is and she continues to enable her horrible behavior by asking you to keep accepting abuse. The entire family is toxic.

 

You KNOW you are being abused when you can't tell people who actually care about you the truth about your relationship because they will do whatever it takes to make you leave the horrible situation you are in. Think on that and actually get out of this marriage.

 

Giving her chances is just you hoping that's she'll somehow have a complete personality and character change. She won't. Doing some chores around the house won't change the spoiled, angry, abusive woman that she is. It's like putting lipstick on a pig. It won't turn the pig into a supermodel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stop complaining to her parents and whining to your parents about the marriage. Did they arrange it or were they against an inter-caste marriage? You need to cut the apron strings and be part of your own household now.

 

Stop acting like a victim. She wants a divorce. You need to stop being at each other's throats and figure out a budget so you can send some of your money back to your parents and also figure out a household chore and errands schedule.

 

You depict her as lazy because you have to help out in household drudgery. But that's the way it goes. Make a list of who does what. Including the burden of her parents and yours, financially and time-wise. Make a list and a budget of who earns what what your expenses are, get rid of money and time wasting ...especially nonsense fighting over everyday things.

 

I haven't complained nor shared to anyone until now when I shared with all of you and only my sister recently. I just mentioned that her parents know how her behavior is. I have already told her whatever she thinks I will be sending some money back home for my father's care and its hardly £230 per month which is enough for his month expense.

 

She doesn't want to separate as she knows no one else will tolerate her behavior like me. On other note, I have no issues in helping out in household chores that is exactly how I was raised by my mother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Her mother isn't your friend. She raised the monster that your wife is and she continues to enable her horrible behavior by asking you to keep accepting abuse. The entire family is toxic.

 

You KNOW you are being abused when you can't tell people who actually care about you the truth about your relationship because they will do whatever it takes to make you leave the horrible situation you are in. Think on that and actually get out of this marriage.

 

Giving her chances is just you hoping that's she'll somehow have a complete personality and character change. She won't. Doing some chores around the house won't change the spoiled, angry, abusive woman that she is. It's like putting lipstick on a pig. It won't turn the pig into a supermodel.

 

I totally agree with you. I will definitely be getting out of this soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank You all for your help and support from what you all have suggested it is quite evident I need to get out of this toxic relationship no matter what it takes.

 

I need to give a chance for myself and live on my own terms then be dictated of what to do and what not to do.

 

Cheers everyone

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Then you should be contributing much more financially and in effort to the household. You have zero respect for her. Stop acting like a henpecked poor husband when you are chronically disrespecting her, expect her to do all the domestic drudgery, funneling money away from the household and running around to anyone who'll listen about what a monster she is and what a saint you are.

I have already told her whatever she thinks I will be sending some money back home for my father's care and its hardly £230 per month which is enough for his month expense.she knows no one else will tolerate her behavior like me.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Then you should be contributing much more financially and in effort to the household. You have zero respect for her. Stop acting like a henpecked poor husband when you are chronically disrespecting her, expect her to do all the domestic drudgery, funneling money away from the household and running around to anyone who'll listen about what a monster she is and what a saint you are.

 

I think you are not reading what I wrote previously.

 

Whatever you mentioned above is exactly the opposite I have done until now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...