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I am in a relationship but miss my ex


Zorek
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I am in a relationship with a girl (1,5 years and live together) and we made up when I was deprresed aboutbreakup with my ex. My ex wasnt a good person, she tortured me emotionally and the bad things overweighted the good. I forgot about my ex for 1 year, but now, I feel like I am further and further away from my current gf and starting g to miss my ex more and more. What do I do? I feel like a horrible person but I cannot stop thinking about it.

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Sounds like you didn’t heal that wound properly and just used the rebound bandaid....

 

However:

My ex wasnt a good person, she tortured me emotionally and the bad things overweighted the good

Where in that statement does it say you should even think about getting back with that girl...!??

 

I do understand though. Emotional abuse is a strange beast. She probably love bombed you before the devaluing and discard happened and that is what we crave...

 

Firstly I would break up with the current girlfriend and then spend at least 12 months single to clear the air and rebuild your life and mental state.

 

Carus*

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Carus is probably right about being single for a while. But if you don't want to do that, you really need to purge the thought processes about the ex.

 

Two things might be happening here. First you may get these thoughts (are they sharply intrusive?) because you have a form of PTSD from the toxic ex. That fades with time, and quicker with some therapy. Secondly, your subconscious is throwing up these memories in a an unfortunate attempt to feed your conscious self things that will make it feel better. Those, you have to work through.

 

The related problem is fading affect bias - as time goes by you remember good things, not bad.

 

The good news is that it is never too late to do the work and get past this. If you have time to sit around thinking about the ex, then you also have time to do extra things that improve you as a person (and will as a big bonus improve your current relationship!). Increase your exercise program, taking some cooking classes and cook your GF some beautiful meals, etc.

 

Another technique is to assign a certain period of minutes to thinking about the ex at a certain time. And, when you do, you divide that time and use at least 50% of it to think about the bad things she did, as well as the fonder memories. This actually helps train your subconscious not to give you intrusive thoughts.

 

It is important though, that you vent theses feelings, and not suppress them. Venting in this case does not mean talking to your current GF, but if you have a therapist or counselor, talk to them about it.

 

I would not say you definitely need to be single to get through this process, although it probably makes things less complicated.

 

Here is a suggestion:

 

When you get home from work, go for a walk/run, and assign 20 minutes (only) to sit on a park bench and think of all the bad things the ex did.

 

Then go home and cook your GF a beautiful dinner and make love to her passionately.

 

Do not let your Ex ruin your current relationship.

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Sounds like you didn’t heal that wound properly and just used the rebound bandaid....

 

However:

 

Where in that statement does it say you should even think about getting back with that girl...!??

 

I do understand though. Emotional abuse is a strange beast. She probably love bombed you before the devaluing and discard happened and that is what we crave...

 

Firstly I would break up with the current girlfriend and then spend at least 12 months single to clear the air and rebuild your life and mental state.

 

Carus*

 

^^^YESSSSSSS!

I didn't do this and I absolutely regret my decision.

Carus for the win!

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Carus is probably right about being single for a while. But if you don't want to do that, you really need to purge the thought processes about the ex.

 

Two things might be happening here. First you may get these thoughts (are they sharply intrusive?) because you have a form of PTSD from the toxic ex. That fades with time, and quicker with some therapy. Secondly, your subconscious is throwing up these memories in a an unfortunate attempt to feed your conscious self things that will make it feel better. Those, you have to work through.

 

The related problem is fading affect bias - as time goes by you remember good things, not bad.

 

The good news is that it is never too late to do the work and get past this. If you have time to sit around thinking about the ex, then you also have time to do extra things that improve you as a person (and will as a big bonus improve your current relationship!). Increase your exercise program, taking some cooking classes and cook your GF some beautiful meals, etc.

 

Another technique is to assign a certain period of minutes to thinking about the ex at a certain time. And, when you do, you divide that time and use at least 50% of it to think about the bad things she did, as well as the fonder memories. This actually helps train your subconscious not to give you intrusive thoughts.

 

It is important though, that you vent theses feelings, and not suppress them. Venting in this case does not mean talking to your current GF, but if you have a therapist or counselor, talk to them about it.

 

I would not say you definitely need to be single to get through this process, although it probably makes things less complicated.

 

Here is a suggestion:

 

When you get home from work, go for a walk/run, and assign 20 minutes (only) to sit on a park bench and think of all the bad things the ex did.

 

Then go home and cook your GF a beautiful dinner and make love to her passionately.

 

Do not let your Ex ruin your current relationship.

 

Amazing advice. I like the 50% concept of good and negative. I'll probably try that myself.

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Is your ex visible on your social media (any of your web pages)? Please be sensible about it and deal with those settings properly. If you have old items of hers or are still speaking to mutual friends and talking about her when she's not around or when your gf is not around, don't. It's normal to think about and wonder about people that have long gone in our lives.

 

Without more information to go on, it seems these are fleeting memories. Tackle tangible things first like your social media, any gossiping (limit the gossip), return her old items or get rid of them. Your current girlfriend might be pressuring you in other ways for more commitment or the relationship may be rocky too. Is it? You mentioned growing distant from your girlfriend. Work on your relationship now. Couples don't magically remain close. It takes work and time and patience and whole lot of the holy baby Jesus sometimes.

 

Be grateful for all the things you do have. If this relationship isn't for you, look at the reasons why. Don't run away from the difficult parts and start looking for escapes again.

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Lol. Thanks Tee* Great post from RayRay* as well...

 

A large proportion of that is courtesy of Craig Kenneth & Margaret Foley. In particular, assigning a set limited time to think about the Ex so as to train your subconscious not to throw intrusive thoughts up was straight from Margaret, and I can attest to its effectiveness.

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You really need to think about your current gf . You need to be honest and fair to her. You said you are distant from your gf. Is the reason for that do to you missing your ex?

 

A large proportion of that is courtesy of Craig Kenneth & Margaret Foley. In particular, assigning a set limited time to think about the Ex so as to train your subconscious not to throw intrusive thoughts up was straight from Margaret, and I can attest to its effectiveness.

 

I’m pretty sure Craig and Margaret were intending that advice to a different audience and not the OP’s situation.

 

I mean , seriously? To have to tell someone 1.5 years into a relationship to reduce the time spent thinking about his ex???

Come on!!!!

 

The target audience for that advice was clearly people recently out of a break up!!

This advice is 1.5 years too late unfortunately.

 

OP, you did the classic rebound relationship , which is where someone avoids grieving their ex , no matter how good or bad that relationship was. And no matter how amicable or nasty the split was.

 

You prolonged your relationship with your current rebound gf , why?

When people are avoidant and get into rebound relationships they end up having to grieve their last one at some point eventually. And usually when the rebound goes stale.

 

In saying that , perhaps your rebound in this case is a good match for you? And if she is , you will discuss with her what’s going on in your mind?

It’s either that or leave her.

 

What are you going to do?

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I’m pretty sure Craig and Margaret were intending that advice to a different audience and not the OP’s situation.

 

I mean , seriously? To have to tell someone 1.5 years into a relationship to reduce the time spent thinking about his ex???

Come on!!!!

 

Actually, I don't think they put any time limit on it. Because if you don't heal, and move on, you could be having those thoughts .... 1.5 years later.

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This isn't about your ex. It's that you moved in together with someone too quickly and now you're bored and no longer attracted to her so you are daydreaming about and idealizing the past.

I am in a relationship with a girl (1,5 years and live together) I feel like I am further and further away from my current gf and starting g to miss my ex more and more.
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Actually, I don't think they put any time limit on it. Because if you don't heal, and move on, you could be having those thoughts .... 1.5 years later.

 

No time limit on thinking about their ex , absolutely!!

But Craig and Margaret are assuming it’s post break up and continuous post break up , not 1.5 years into a relationship and suddenly thinking about an ex!!!

 

That’s the same as someone going through a divorce after 20 years and Craig and Margaret telling that person to reduce their thoughts on their first love? Because their first love entered their mind while going through a divorce?

 

Their “advice” doesn’t apply here.

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I disagree, and I think you are being too literal.

 

The grief process is not linear; it can ebb and flow.

 

So their advice does indeed apply.

 

I’ve been through grief as we all have. Of course here is ebb and flow.

 

But not disappear off the radar for 1.5 years and suddenly come back.

Perhaps the OP sees another break up on the horizon and is nostalgic? Who knows until he replies.

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