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I'm not sure he has healed from his divorce...


luciamts
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I started dating a man who I met online. We have been seeing each other for 2.5 months now. He had a divorce 2 years ago and has a 10 year old daughter.

 

In the beginning it seemed he had done a lot of work on himself and wanted to move forward with his life. He was so sweet to me and very thoughtful. However, over the last couple weeks, I've observed a change in him. He fluctuates between being either angry, or depressed, about his life. He says that everyone is against him and he is suffering. He will be fine one minute, and crying the next. Sometimes he is uncommunicative. Other times he tells me how much he cares for me and is grateful for me in his life. But then, this morning, he got upset with me because I gave him my cheek when he leaned in to kiss. I didn't even think anything of it. But he told me I do it too often and it makes him feel like we are not "stable". I apologized and said I'd be more conscious of it, but we left on an awkward note.

 

I feel like I have been very patient and understanding of his sadness and negative emotional state, which seems to be mostly related to not seeing his daughter as much as he would like, and other divorce related struggles. I told him I would be here for him anytime. Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well?

 

I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship. I really fell for him, and I'm eager to do what it takes to make it work, but what is my threshold? How can I determine whether he's going through stuff and theres hope, or if he's just a sad and negative person?

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Sorry to hear this 10 weeks is a good time to observe what he's like in a variety of settings. He sounds a bit unstable. Don't make it your job to fix or change or nurse him. You could be seeing the reasons for, not the results of his divorce. It may be best to cut your losses before you get in too deep and this has a damaging effect on you.

I started dating a man who I met online. We have been seeing each other for 2.5 months now.

 

He fluctuates between being either angry, or depressed, about his life. He says that everyone is against him and he is suffering. He will be fine one minute, and crying the next.

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I feel like I have been very patient and understanding of his sadness and negative emotional state, which seems to be mostly related to not seeing his daughter as much as he would like, and other divorce related struggles. I told him I would be here for him anytime. Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well?

 

I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship. I really fell for him, and I'm eager to do what it takes to make it work, but what is my threshold? How can I determine whether he's going through stuff and theres hope, or if he's just a sad and negative person?

 

This is the perfect example of someone who should work out all their pain and issues outside of a relationship, not in the middle of one and not at your expense. Based on everything you shared, he's not even date-able.

 

You don't go into a relationship with this amount of unresolved stuff. 2 months in and it's already starting to smell bad. This is your queue to bow out.

 

I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship.

 

Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well? From him, yes. He's barely coping with himself

 

He's not a bad guy, but he is a guy who at this point in time is not a place where he has anything to offer someone emotionally. Not until he works through some of his stuff, alone or even better, with a therapist. And that's not you.

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Well put by reinvent.

 

Remove the things that are easy to sympathize with—divorce, daughter—and what you have is a man who, 2.5 months in, is showing himself to be emotionally volatile and pretty incapable of seeing your own self and feelings in the way you want to be seen and felt in romance.

 

Big picture view on that is incompatibility, someone who sadly can't meet you where you need to be met. Becoming the world's most sympathetic and understandable woman is not going to raise him up to the plane, but rather lowers you to his, validating where he is today at the expense of where you want to be with someone.

 

Hope that doesn't sound harsh. Divorce sucks, and adjusting to it, and co-parenting, is a real challenge. But that's his challenge, not yours to take on.

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Well, why on earth do you turn your cheek when he gives you a kiss? Do you mind me asking or is this some other form of affection for you (getting cheek kisses as opposed to on the lip kisses when someone's aiming for your lips)? That would be disconcerting to most people. I'm not surprised at his reaction. He's expressing to you that he doesn't feel comfortable around you. Have you stopped to ask yourself whether you're part of that equation and that it's not only about his divorce, his child or his issues?

 

Take a step back and look things over. You don't have to respond right away and you certainly don't have to respond to every single one of his emotional "states". Sometimes one partner is far more emotional than the other for whatever reason at any given time. If you are finding that he's inordinately and unusually angry or sad (negative) most of the time, he's likely not in the right frame of mind for a relationship right now. There's a strong likelihood he's picking up on resentment from you or feeling uncomfortable around you also.

 

If you're just annoyed with him because of his comment about turning your cheek, I'm more in agreement with him. I'm not sure why you'd do that unless you're repressing some serious feelings of resentment and already are one foot out the door. If that's the case, just pull the plug and put both of yourselves out of your misery.

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Take a step back and look things over. You don't have to respond right away and you certainly don't have to respond to every single one of his emotional "states". Sometimes one partner is far more emotional than the other for whatever reason at any given time. If you are finding that he's inordinately and unusually angry or sad (negative) most of the time, he's likely not in the right frame of mind for a relationship right now. There's a strong likelihood he's picking up on resentment from you or feeling uncomfortable around you also.

 

If you're just annoyed with him because of his comment about turning your cheek, I'm more in agreement with him. I'm not sure why you'd do that unless you're repressing some serious feelings of resentment and already are one foot out the door. If that's the case, just pull the plug and put both of yourselves out of your misery.

 

You give your cheek to someone you do not want to kiss on the lips. Why do you do that? That's pretty cold.

 

The holidays can bring out the worst in people. since you did NOT say he is talking about his ex it may have zero to do with his divorce. I have said to my guy, "You know, the last few weeks, everything i do turns to rubbish. Its like everything is going against me" - is that observation mean i am emotionally volitile?

 

I think at 10 weeks, you should be eager to have him kiss you and not act cold like you have and you have to figure out did he simply open up to you, or is he an emotional wreck?

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She is not responsible for his unstable behavior. This type of thinking puts people in guilt and fixing modes as if she owes him something. She doesn't have to kiss or fix anyone.

Well, why on earth do you turn your cheek when he gives you a kiss? I'm not surprised at his reaction. He's expressing to you that he doesn't feel comfortable around you.
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You give your cheek to someone you do not want to kiss on the lips. Why do you do that? That's pretty cold.

 

The holidays can bring out the worst in people. since you did NOT say he is talking about his ex it may have zero to do with his divorce. I have said to my guy, "You know, the last few weeks, everything i do turns to rubbish. Its like everything is going against me" - is that observation mean i am emotionally volitile?

 

I think at 10 weeks, you should be eager to have him kiss you and not act cold like you have and you have to figure out did he simply open up to you, or is he an emotional wreck?

 

- Yup. That's a little odd. That would bother me too. Usually, after 2.5 months, if everything is right, a couple is in the honeymoon stage......I would think they would kiss on the lips. Turning your head and giving him the cheek is a form of rejection. Very dangerous in a relationship.

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She is not responsible for his unstable behavior. This type of thinking puts people in guilt and fixing modes as if she owes him something. She doesn't have to kiss or fix anyone.

 

That's true. But she is responsible for her behaviour and turning her cheek is passive aggressive. If she's not into the relationship, she is free to leave. There's no need to cause more issues or be a part of something that's not right for her.

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But then, this morning, he got upset with me because I gave him my cheek when he leaned in to kiss.

 

Seriously folks.

From what I read, she did this once and outside of all the other accounting's of his poor behavior, that's all anyone can pick out and focus on?

 

That's not what I read. You left out his version of events which the OP was kind enough to add.

 

this morning, he got upset with me because I gave him my cheek when he leaned in to kiss. I didn't even think anything of it. But he told me I do it too often and it makes him feel like we are not "stable". I apologized and said I'd be more conscious of it, but we left on an awkward note.

 

They don't get along. Instead of demonizing him or making him out to be a lunatic or a bad person, I think she's more than capable of ending the relationship if she sees it's warranted. Putting the blame on someone else is too easy. She should just nip it in the bud and be over with it. They both deserve to be happy.

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That's not what I read. You left out his version of events which the OP was kind enough to add.

 

Thank you for adding to the context. I did miss that.

 

But the responses do tend to slant to beating her up over turning her head and not much of anything about him being depressed, angry and crying.

 

When brought it to her attention and she sympathetically acknowledged how felt. (I apologized and said I'd be more conscious of it,)

 

But it doesn't address his behavior. And turning ones cheek doesn't excuse it.

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Thank you for adding to the context. I did miss that.

 

But the responses do tend to slant to beating her up over turned her head and not so much about him being depressed, angry and crying.

 

When brought it to her attention and she sympathetically acknowledged how felt. (I apologized and said I'd be more conscious of it,)

 

But it doesn't address his behavior. And turning ones cheek isn't an excuse.

 

Are you referring to my post on page 1? I'm not sure where it's slanting that way. I was looking at both sides and not simply agreeing with what everyone was already saying. Perhaps that's where you might have felt I was slanting to "beating her up" over turning her head. I asked the OP if she interpreted turning her cheek and didn't even assume it was strictly her being cold. I'm not one for big pity parties. Sorry.

 

It always takes two in a relationship. No matter how abusive (mentally/emotionally/physically) it takes two to tango. One person doing the abusing or creating chaos and the other person taking it or accepting it. I don't believe the OP is helpless. She was here to vent and that's fine but surely she'd be able to see even through how confused she is that she plays a role in their dynamic too.

 

I'd urge her to reevaluate the guy she's seeing. She shouldn't be in a relationship that's unfulfilling.

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That's not what I read. You left out his version of events which the OP was kind enough to add.

 

 

They don't get along. Instead of demonizing him or making him out to be a lunatic or a bad person, I think she's more than capable of ending the relationship if she sees it's warranted. Putting the blame on someone else is too easy. She should just nip it in the bud and be over with it. They both deserve to be

 

He is not stable, as I bolded at the top of the page.

 

I do not understand the focus of her turning her check. He is all over the place

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We could probably argue too what's the big deal at 10 weeks. I think it's too much emotional investment and a lot of unease and discomfort all around, a lot of nitpicking (I'm sorry if this comes off as flippant) and overanalyzing. There's so little here of the relationship and they seem to be in the getting to know you stage. Of course he's unstable. I agree with that 100%. For every "stable" person, there are probably 10 more who aren't. There shouldn't be any surprise there especially in the dating realm. What's she going to do about it though?

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I cannot say that I have ever dated someone who has flipped from anger, to depression, then crying. He also believes the works is against him? Something is very off, and the fact that the OP has to ask is concerning for such a short-lived relationship.

 

OP, why did you even get involved with him?

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I cannot say that I have ever dated someone who has flipped from anger, to depression, then crying. He also believes the works is against him? Something is very off, and the fact that the OP has to ask is concerning for such a short-lived relationship.

 

OP, why did you even get involved with him?

 

I guess whats not clear to me is if he is angry - raising his voice, stomping about or is simply saying "i feel angry about..."

I its the former - yeah, OP needs to end this, if its the latter -- well then...

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I completely disagree with blaming victims like this. A peck on the cheek is not a valid reason for this guy or anyone to fly into an unstable abusive rage. In western countries abuse and what you are implying that it the victim asks for it is generally not accepted thinking.

No matter how abusive (mentally/emotionally/physically) it takes two to tango
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