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Confusing situation with my girlfriend and her ex.


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So we met online and dated(not officially) for approximately 2 months things were amazing. I thought we were going places she always told me how much she liked me and we were always touching and making love. And then one Monday we were making love all morning(excuse the details) . I got home and I had no text from her(strange to me because an hour would pass and I would almost be assured contact from her) I tried again nothing. Tried again got a dull txt saying her day was good. And I got a major vibe just from that. More dull contact and ignoring from her I finally got the message. It was a long message about her saying her ex "put it to her" that they wanna get back together "for the kids" bare in mind they were separated 5 years. So with a bit of argument and some nasty things said I let it it go. I was distraught I fell for this girl, hard. About just over a week later I had messages from her saying how much her ex was an and how much I was right about an ex being an ex for a reason bla bla. So we gave it another shot. She told me they didn't sleep together and stuff then I got it out of her that they did..still devastated we continued. Now 5 months later it still haunts me. His name. His texts everything is stomach churning. I've had councilling I've tried so hard to forget it but I just cant and its causing an argument at least once a week. He's in constant contact with her due to the 2 kids they have together. She hurt me so easy and left me like it was nothing. But now we're still together we both love each other and trust me she try's to prove herself everyday. Even puts up with me bringing up the past all the time. I also found a dating app on her phone. After all this happened. It was bumble she claimed she was just seeing what it was all about and that there was a friends option. Which is something I can get past. Now that kids are involved mine and hers it's a lot harder to make a decision about leaving. Cause I love them all and the kids would be saddened. I dont know what to do. Please help.

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This is one reason why dating someone who is separated but not divorced is a lousy idea. Don't set yourself up to become the reason that prompts a married couple to examine why they have never pulled the trigger. As you're learning the hard way, that can leave you nowhere to go but to exit.

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It won't get easier. It'll get a lot harder before it ever gets easier. There are just too many question marks about her and she's broken your trust more than once. First, by leaving you for her ex and then by finding that app for friends. This woman shouldn't be that lonely. She's got an ex (father of her kids), two kids of her own, your kids and she's got you. Why does she want to get busy with an online friendship option on a dating app? It just doesn't make sense, OP. The least she could do is join a knitting class or a painting class or meet people with similar hobbies. Hopefully she hasn't moved in with you or you haven't moved in with her. Are you both dependent on each other financially?

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She dumped you for the ex-still has feelings-then lied to you about having sex. I don't blame you, as she is not trust worthy.

 

You would be a fool to continue with her! Do what is right for your kids and get out now.

 

I missed the bit about the dating app. Dude, c'mon! You should have been done, long ago.

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I bring it up probably weekly and she keeps saying "it's the past it's the past and I love you and that's all that matters" how do I deal with that? They text almost everyday due to the kids etc they apparently hate each other.

 

They hate one another so much. that they reconciled within the last five months. Right.

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The thing is it's so hard because I love her so much and she makes me feel like a king. I've tried breaking it off with her and she just ends up crying and not letting me leave.

 

Time to love yourself and kids more. She dumped you and lied. If you continue, you will no one to blame but yourself.

 

I also can't believe that you would move you and your kids into a shared household in under 2 years, and this is without the problems. Very irresponsible and poor judgment. I feel for these kids!

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I would suggest that you need to lay down some strict ground rules if she wishes to continue with you.

 

No dating apps. Only talks to ex as necessary about the kids. Exclusivity.

 

You say she is trying hard to show you she can be trusted. So she should agree.

 

If she argues about it, show her the red card.

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I would suggest that you need to lay down some strict ground rules if she wishes to continue with you.

 

No dating apps. Only talks to ex as necessary about the kids. Exclusivity.

 

You say she is trying hard to show you she can be trusted. So she should agree.

 

If she argues about it, show her the red card.

 

She only talks about the kids as far as I know. And the same with dating apps. But it's always there. Still makes my stomach churn when I know they're discussing the kids.

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The thing is it's so hard because I love her so much and she makes me feel like a king. I've tried breaking it off with her and she just ends up crying and not letting me leave.

 

She makes you feel like a king when she bounced and slept with her, and came crying back to you? Made you feel like a king when she had a dating app on her phone?

 

You need to stop selling yourself the false narrative that she treats you like a king. She treats you like Plan B, dude. I know it's easier to convince yourself into thinking she worships you, but that isn't the reality.

 

She doesn't want to be single so she cries and you fall for it. But she isn't committed to you. She has shown you that much. You are only fooling yourself if you think this won't happen again when a man who really grabs her interest rolls into view. This woman is not trustworthy and you know it. It hurts to admit it, I realize, but a great relationship that has the potential to go the distance doesn't look like this. This one has an expiration date.

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Sorry to hear this. She has too much ambiguity and too much going on. Next time you date someone have the exclusive or bf/gf talk when you start having sex and don't wait for things to fall apart. Delete and block this woman, it was 8 weeks of nebulous fwb.

dated(not officially) for approximately 2 months

 

her ex "put it to her" that they wanna get back together "for the kids" He's in constant contact with her due to the 2 kids they have together.

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Nope I haven't moved. Nor do I plan to anytime soon..my boy is all I think about!

 

Well that’s not exactly true!! You have brought your son into the mix. If he was your first priority , you would not have introduced him to someone you are dating that you have so little trust in. Do you have sole custody of your son or do you share custody with his mother? Do you communicate with his mother over his well being?

 

You were ONLY dating this girl for a mere 8 weeks before the father of her kids suggested a reconciliation. She didn’t lie. She told you! She did lie about the intimacy which only lasted one week , but in fairness , most people would suggest if there was a possibility of bringing up children with both biological parents they would say go for it over choosing an 8 week thing.

 

She realised it was a mistake. Confessed to it being a mistake. Good on her!! But why is she being punished weekly for that??? YOU all by YOURSELF chose to continue seeing her , while being informed that she was intimate with her ex. So why are you now constantly berating her for it?

Get over it!!!

Of course she needs to be in contact with him. He IS the father of her children! Would you be ok if the mother of your son stopped contacting you about your son purely because her new bf didn’t like it???

 

As for the bumble app, well you never actually said when that happened? Or how you even found out? Were you snooping and why? Was that in those first 8 weeks or recent?

 

I’m sorry but your trust issues are not because she is untrustworthy, this is on you.

If you firmly believe she is not trustworthy then why would you be still dating her and bringing your son into it?

 

You need to let the past go or continue to mess with the future and make her ex seem more appealing than you. Because right now it’s a case of better the devil you know.

 

What are you going to do?

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So you started a relationship with a separated woman.........she was not ready for love with a new man, so she went back to her husband.....and because that's over too, then she came back to you......to set you up for another heartbreak.

 

Don't date married women unless you know exactly what you are doing.......and 95% of the people who think they know what they are doing, don't.

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Well that’s not exactly true!! You have brought your son into the mix. If he was your first priority , you would not have introduced him to someone you are dating that you have so little trust in. Do you have sole custody of your son or do you share custody with his mother? Do you communicate with his mother over his well being?

 

You were ONLY dating this girl for a mere 8 weeks before the father of her kids suggested a reconciliation. She didn’t lie. She told you! She did lie about the intimacy which only lasted one week , but in fairness , most people would suggest if there was a possibility of bringing up children with both biological parents they would say go for it over choosing an 8 week thing.

 

She realised it was a mistake. Confessed to it being a mistake. Good on her!! But why is she being punished weekly for that??? YOU all by YOURSELF chose to continue seeing her , while being informed that she was intimate with her ex. So why are you now constantly berating her for it?

Get over it!!!

Of course she needs to be in contact with him. He IS the father of her children! Would you be ok if the mother of your son stopped contacting you about your son purely because her new bf didn’t like it???

 

As for the bumble app, well you never actually said when that happened? Or how you even found out? Were you snooping and why? Was that in those first 8 weeks or recent?

 

I’m sorry but your trust issues are not because she is untrustworthy, this is on you.

If you firmly believe she is not trustworthy then why would you be still dating her and bringing your son into it?

 

You need to let the past go or continue to mess with the future and make her ex seem more appealing than you. Because right now it’s a case of better the devil you know.

 

What are you going to do?

 

I know it all seems selfish and all that. But give me a break they were apart for 5 years. The humble app happened approximately another 2 months after I found out they had sex. I checked the time on her phone and it came up as recent apps. She told me she downloaded it cause her friend was telling her about it and she wanted to see what it was like. I got back with her and we all met each other kids because I was told they never slept together. Because I would have got passed it if that was the case. But one night we had a couple of drinks and i just happened to ask her again. I tried leaving then and there. Then the dating app a couple months after. Oh yeah and also she went looking threw all my photos and I asked to go threw hers but she pur up a fight ran off to her room and deleted a whole bunch she didn't want me to see. She told me there were screenshots and photos of her ex she took during the time they got back together. This girl also told me the 5 years they were apart he used to drop the kids off and sometimes they would sleep together.

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So you started a relationship with a separated woman.........she was not ready for love with a new man, so she went back to her husband.....and because that's over too, then she came back to you......to set you up for another heartbreak.

 

Don't date married women unless you know exactly what you are doing.......and 95% of the people who think they know what they are doing, don't.

 

Wasn't married dude. But yeah same thing

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I'm with Billie here.

 

Her "lies" in this saga are a fraction of the size of your trust issues. If her lies are an anthill, your trust issues are Everest, to the point where I can't help but wonder if your inability to trust her is something you are subconsciously drawn to in this—a state of mind that is familiar, and thus comforting past the surface agony. Zoom out, after all, and you only became really into her, and into committing to her, after she proved herself untrustworthy. Everything was non-exclusive before all these record scratches.

 

Fact is, she was honest when her ex came back into the picture, honest when she felt she made a mistake, and honest—after some prying, I'd imagine—that they were intimate. Of course they were intimate. That is generally what adults do when they explore romance, especially adults with romantic history. Not fun to think about, and for many not possible to get over, but hardly a shock. This is not high school, but adulthood. It's on us adults to know our real limits.

 

Don't get me wrong: I understand your nerves, just as I understand that hope and hormones can lead us to make some dubious choices—stepping forward when we should step away, failing to be honest with ourselves. If I was super sprung on someone I could see myself wading back in for another week or two to see if things stabilized, since I've done just that, though I can't quite see doing what you've been doing, which is finding comfort in the instability while refusing to admit that to yourself. For months and months.

 

You've been given some pretty clear signs that (a) she is not in an emotionally secure state of mind and (b) she is not a woman you can feel remotely good alongside. Trouble is that her continuing to be with you in this icky "proving herself" state only reinforces all that. A more secure woman would have already nixed this jagged reunion, because a more secure woman wouldn't have interest in being with an insecure man who made her feel like dirty sinner on a weekly basis. Similarly, a more secure man would have no interest in building a romantic connection, no matter how sparkly, with a woman he believes in his core is dirty sinner.

 

Your main bonding point, in other words, seems to be mutual insecurity and self-loathing. Two people who do not trust themselves and have found, in the other, a mirror to that distrust. You can continue to berate her, stigmatize the ex, and find some emotionally masochistic form of power and connection in that dynamic where you get to punish her for making you feel victimized. But, at this point, that is your choice, your doing, not something she or him is doing to you. And that has been the story for five months now.

 

It all hurts, I know, and I'm sorry for that hurt. But if you want is a stable relationship with someone you can trust and surrender to, rather than someone you can control—well, this is not it, and you're going to struggle to find that if you're drawn to women who behave in ways you don't trust but allow you to police them. You've got children, who are looking to you as a model for how to conduct themselves in the business of life. In your shoes I'd ask yourself what kind of model you want to be for them, and take some steps from there.

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I'm not gonna lie you are slightly correct but not to the point where I've ever behaved like this. Things were AMAZING those first 2 months. They just went downhill when I found she had been with him. I've never been this jealous or insecure. Only just the slightest that everyone gets like. I fell in love the first day I met her. And I feel she felt the same. But the question I always ask myself is why? After 5 years? We were so good? She used to tell me he would make her stand in the corner naked and laugh at her and it was horrible experience, what kind of person would find that appealing? I would never consider going back to my ex especially if I was with someone. I mean we slept together all monday and she made up her mind by the end of the day! I fell to pieces when I found out. And then devastated again when I found a dating app. I come into relationships knowing I'm %100 ready and committed to one person. What's to say it wont happen again?

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I think this woman is suffering from tremendously low self-esteem and she'll always make questionable decisions (aka sh-tty decisions) for as long as she cannot reconcile her self-worth or bring herself to see better for her future.

 

She was with a man who emotionally abused her for years and now she's with a guy who continues to question her trustworthiness. Come on. Can anyone say easy target?

 

If you love her, let her go. This is all sorts of twisted and wrong. She needs to spend more time on her own, figuring herself out and repairing that trust in herself.

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I'm not gonna lie you are slightly correct but not to the point where I've ever behaved like this. Things were AMAZING those first 2 months. They just went downhill when I found she had been with him. I've never been this jealous or insecure. Only just the slightest that everyone gets like. I fell in love the first day I met her. And I feel she felt the same. But the question I always ask myself is why? After 5 years? We were so good? She used to tell me he would make her stand in the corner naked and laugh at her and it was horrible experience, what kind of person would find that appealing? I would never consider going back to my ex especially if I was with someone. I mean we slept together all monday and she made up her mind by the end of the day! I fell to pieces when I found out. And then devastated again when I found a dating app. I come into relationships knowing I'm %100 ready and committed to one person. What's to say it wont happen again?

 

Things are always amazing for the first two months—or, well, they should be with anyone we explore romance with. Along with the next two months, and the next two, and so on: that is when we begin to know we have something real, something worth investing in.

 

This is just my own bias, but when I hear someone saying they "fell in love" with a human being they've known for a few hours—well, what I hear is emotional instability. Too much thirst, too little logic, which might be some of the backdrop to this whole thing, bitter a pill to swallow. Show me two people who are saying "I love you" after a day or a week, and what I see is a little bomb that is going tick, tick, tick. The bomb that has been detonating for 5 months now. Facts are facts, and when you need to go back to day 59 to recall feeling good with someone you've only known for 210 days it generally means something is seriously askew.

 

I'm not by nature a jealous or particularly insecure person either, and so if those feelings get stirred too intensely in romance I know something is off, as I measure romance in part by how much those feelings die down after the early days, not amp up. If they amp up I walk away. Have done this in early dating, have done it in long term relationships. To me those feelings, when pronounced, are like cavities: signs that what I'm eating is bad for my health.

 

You have had a different reaction, and it's worth reflecting on it, what is behind it. Those cavities have made you more "committed," put in quotes because I don't really think you're committed to her so much as to a cycle of punishment you are labeling an otherworldly connection, like trying to cure cavities by eating more candy. Not healthy, plain and simple. If for 60 days your connection was fueled by coal of the genuine variety—emotional and sexual surrender—since then it has been fueled by something pretty unsavory on both sides.

 

I'm saying all this not to attack you, but to get you focused on the one variable here you have actual control over: yourself. By obsessing about her ex, about stories you've heard about their relationship, about the "whys" of it all and the "whys" of a Bumble app, you are replacing self-control with her-control, a vicious cycle where trust vanishes. From the little you've offered above you are painting a portrait of a woman who has been through some pretty demeaning stuff, and likely needs some real time and space to get centered and repair her keel. She's not going to be able to do that alongside a man (you) who is continuously rocked by her existence. The vulnerability that you were maybe drawn to early—that lifted you straight to Cloud 9—is now the vulnerability that is wreaking havoc on both your spirits. Hard to admit that something that felt like the picture of health was just candy, but better to admit it, sometimes, than pretend otherwise.

 

There is no guarantee, with anyone, that things won't hit the skids in ugly ways. That's the risk, always, and we hedge against that risk by choosing people where the odds of ugliness seem low. You are choosing someone with opposite odds. Why? That is the question to explore right now rather than dodging it by trying to pick her apart and corral her into a form that allows you to exhale. You've tried that, and all it has led to is hyperventilating.

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