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The Ruminant’s Almanac


hidden_kitten
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Went for a quick 20 minute walk - first time I’ve left the house in a week. Sun is out, temperature (c) is into double figures at last. Walked up to see how the building of a new housing development was getting on - families have already moved into the completed houses. Must be awful with builders still hammering away during the week. Wonder if/when I’ll ever get my own place.

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Been back at work this week for short shifts. We’re not open to the public again yet but are allowed to do things behind the scenes. It’s been a good distraction but my sleep pattern is all messed up, only getting about 5 hours a night.

Package arrived with my things. Really sad that I might never see him again. Angry that he didn’t tell me sooner that something was wrong. Angry at myself for not realising and talking to him sooner.
 

It seems to be a pattern in my relationships that they seem to fail at critical stepping stones like moving in together. I hate the fact that I have to start over again, just seems like it’s a lot of investment that doesn’t pay off in the end. 

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Feeling like I’m in an odd place just now.

With another relationship down the pan - I did exactly what I shouldn’t be doing and snooped up on my previous ex and an old crush. Previous ex, relationship ended 6 (!) years ago and I’ve had no contact with him since. He was/is the complete opposite from me in terms of personality, interests but at the time that’s what attracted me to him. I was then totally single for a couple of years until old crush showed up, and for a while i thought there might be a chance of dating and was gutted when he turned me down. Said he “wasn’t ready for a relationship” then a month or so later is seeing someone else. They’re now married and moved away west somewhere. Ex appears to still be in a relationship and his business is going really well.

I sacrificed some career choices for previous ex, and in some respects for the most recent one too so we could stay local and move in together. And now nothing to show for it.

Rationally, I know I should pour myself into work and achieve something, even if it’s just for a year, but I get this feeling if I do that I’m shutting the door to meeting someone. Hope that I’ll snap out of it.

Got my first dose of the vaccine today - actually not sure why I was invited so early on, but everyone I spoke to said just to go ahead and get it done. No side effects at the moment.

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2 hours ago, hidden_kitten said:

I get this feeling if I do that I’m shutting the door to meeting someone.

Nah, that's just your self-doubt talking. Improving yourself and your situation, taking care of yourself properly, will make you feel a lot better. People are attracted to people who feel good about themselves. So, go ahead and improve away.

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Urgh, headache and sore stomach overnight, which I assume are side effects. Slight tenderness at jab site. So a very lazy day. It’s been so nice out but I have little energy to enjoy it today, maybe tomorrow after work.

Feeling anger at him for leading me on. I want to shout at him to let him know. During our relationship we never argued, I rarely do when I’m with someone but I wonder if that contributed to him walking away in some way? Cowards way out instead of discussing how he was feeling with me. Angry at the past year in general and how everything is messed up - can’t see friends, can’t go anywhere to make friends, my industry is in serious trouble. Fast forward a few months when I pray this gets better.

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Couldn’t sleep last night either, but no headache. Still angry. I was so patient with him yet I’m the one that gets tossed aside.

How come everyone else gets their happy ending and I don’t? Feel like I’m forever making the wrong choices which means whatever I decide to do next will be wrong too.

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Thank you. I’m just whinging to try and feel better, as juvenile and naive my thoughts will sound.

Watched the latest SpaceX test launch - my dad has always been a space exploration nerd so watched it along with him - just didn’t look real coming back to the launch site then uprighting seconds before touching the ground. Gutted when it blew up, at least it stayed in one piece longer than the last test!

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Been a month now. I deleted his number and email address, and never learned them off by heart so it does sting that if he never reaches out, I can’t get hold of him either. Just so weird going from planning a life together straight to acting like we never existed. Random crying episodes. Missing sex also.

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Making notes of all the places in the city I want to go back to as soon as they open and people are allowed to travel. Some are places that S introduced me to but I want to reclaim them as my own. It’ll be hard going by myself but I need the practice. There’s other places that we said we’d get round to visiting but never did, well missed your chance a*****le I’m going anyway.

Climb Arthur’s Seat. Visit castle. Drive to the beach myself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Good news this week about my country’s easing of lockdown. Looks like some places can start to open up towards the end of next month. Everyone in my household has had at least their first vaccine dose, which is good considering there’s fears of a shortage slowing things down in the coming weeks.

I’m still really struggling with keeping to a routine. Not having to be anywhere means I do absolutely nothing, because I can and there’s no immediate consequences. Slept for ages yesterday, had a couple of weird dreams. In the first one I was with an ex from a decade ago and we were celebrating our engagement and announcing it to everyone. In the second one was my most recent ex, it was like I was trying to track him down because I thought he was cheating on me and I was trying to catch him in the act.

I could/should go into work to get a head start of planning to open up the public or even just sorting filing and tidying while it’s quiet...but didn’t.

Instead I’ve been reviewing my savings and getting my head round pensions. I think it’s very unlikely I’m going to be buying my own flat anytime soon so looking for the best place to put my money. It looks like the pension plan my employer has enrolled me in is one of the worst on the market, and they’re unlikely to increase contributions on their side. Don’t know if I should put more in from my side, or find another way to invest. Wish I had researched these issues sooner!  

 

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A couple of conversations happening through the dating apps. Being very shallow here but there’s a nice looking guy who actually responded with more than a sentence to my initial messages, there’s been back and forth for a couple of days but heard nothing today...hoping that I haven’t bored him! He is cute so I wouldn’t mind meeting him when travel restrictions lift again.
 

The conversations with others are just chitchat about bands, one of my profile lists my music taste so a lot of messages revolve around that to begin with.

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Cute app guy has not responded since the weekend. Boo. Nevermind, work has suddenly gone from zero to sixty and today was the first full shift of the year! My brain was mush when I got home. Which is annoying because I’m procrastinating on other things that I need to get off my plate.

This deserves a longer entry, but basically I’ve landed in an event management role....when I’m completely unsuited to it. I’m naturally reserved and come across as younger than I am, no one believes I’m my thirties. I just don’t have presence and fear that it’s too late to cultivate that. However, today really took me out of my comfort zone which apparently is meant to be good in the long run...but felt like such an idiot having to ask loads of questions, or being too scared to ask anything at all. 
 

It could be that the role/team I work with just aren’t great at mentoring those new to the industry, though how long does it take to decide whether the issue lies with me or external factors?

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Been resisting the urge to try and call ex that bubbles to the surface now and then.

Had a good run of good weather but haven't been able to take advantage of it due to catching up with work/stupid sleep pattern. Thought if I get everything off my plate by next week I can take off for some long walks in the hills...and just my luck that's when snow is forecast!

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5 hours ago, hidden_kitten said:

Would do anything for a connection with another human right now.

That you messaged him is ok. That you are in a desperate position is not ok. Be careful not to meet as*holes now that you are vulnerable.

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9 hours ago, hidden_kitten said:

I caved and messaged him.

Ok. Well, it's not the end of the world. You'll probably just kick yourself over that for a while.

9 hours ago, hidden_kitten said:

Wish these feelings would go away.

They will, they will. Just never as fast as you would like.

Have you been getting outside and walking, the way that you'd planned?

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Not been able to get out yet, finding excuses like I slept in too late or the weather is meh. 
 

Had a productive day at work though and going back in tomorrow even though not scheduled to try to back into a routine...which should mean sleeping better and can get up at the weekend to head out!

Thank you Dias, yeah needed somewhere to vent at 1 in the morning. Can’t really travel to meet anyone for another couple of weeks and the app trail has gone cold so don’t think I’m going to do anything too rash. I suppose just entertaining it in my head is part of the healing process.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Posted (edited)
On 3/29/2021 at 9:11 PM, hidden_kitten said:

Cute app guy has not responded since the weekend. Boo.

Some development on the dating life front.

Travel restrictions in my country ended a few weeks ago so I thought I’d give the cute guy another message to ask if he wanted to go for a walk or coffee. I was fully expecting this to go ignored but you miss every shot you don’t take. To my surprise, he responded saying that sounded like a nice idea and I suggested that I’d be around this past weekend and gave him my number.

And of course he never texts to firm up anything. I went into town anyway and walked around, people watched and visited a cafe that I hadn’t tried before. Told my friend about the guy never getting back to me and she was more annoyed than I was, haha. I’ve since unmatched with him on the app so I can’t drool over his profile and feel sorry for myself.

Another guy who I had a brief exchange with on tinder at the start of April got back in touch, came across as much more enthusiastic so we met up on Sunday for a walk round one of the parks in town. He seems like a nice guy, same age and has lived abroad and in London before coming back to Scotland. I think he must also be really intelligent with the degree/work he’s done (being vague for anonymity) and then there’s me “hur dur I’m trained in drawing cartoons”. So I’ve no idea what his take away of me is and if he’ll want to see me again - not heard from him since getting home on Sunday evening. But I’m glad I took the plunge trying to get back out there and meet people I wouldn’t in normal circumstances.

Edited by hidden_kitten
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5 hours ago, hidden_kitten said:

then there’s me “hur dur I’m trained in drawing cartoons”.

Don't think like this.

Glad you are doing fine h_k 🙂

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Thanks guys.

Update, Edinburgh guy doesn’t feel that there’s a spark there so won’t be seeing him again. A shame, wanted to grill him about his travels abroad.

There’s an ongoing exchange with a guy from Glasgow but don’t think I’m going to meet him yet, have a feeling I’m going to be exhausted this weekend being swamped with work. He’s not looking for anything serious right now so maybe in a couple of weeks. Music/bands are a passion of ours so just been talking about that sort of thing.

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Got invites to Glasgow and Dundee to meet guys but don’t think I have any time right now to do so 🙃. Never had this match rate on dating apps, everyone must be really desperate coming out of lockdown haha. 
 

Is it bad that I still wish that the cute guy from back in March would contact me? Ok yes I know the answer to that. It’s all the same people on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and he appears to have dropped off completely. Gave him my Instagram and number yet absolute silence. How much more of a hint do I need???

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Chat with Glasgow guy kind of, erm, escalated let’s say and we were talking about meeting up this weekend when we were both off work then bam! Lockdown has been extended in his city and no one is supposed to travel in or out except for essential reasons. There’s supposed to be a review tomorrow but with cases still rising there, I bet restrictions will be kept for another week. The universe obviously doesn’t want me to get laid right now! 😆

 

Work is a headache right now but trying to muddle through. May have written this upthread but giving myself another year in this town for things to stabilise and decide where I want to go next. I’m considering away from Scotland for a while.

Edited by hidden_kitten
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