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Girlfriend flirting with someone else


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Hi,

I will try to be brief.

I am 46, my gf is a 37 single mom (2 kids)...few months ago she went to a bachelorette party (in a club) with some girls, i found out that she ended up flirting and dancing with some young guy of 21. Before i find out she told me that some guy came to her, talked to her while she was dancing, but she refused him and sent him away. I found out that she danced with him, i confronted her with this, and said "yeah, i forgot, we danced a little bit, few seconds, but that's it", and she swore that it was it. After 2 months i was able to get some videos made at that club, and i saw that she danced somehow in an intimate way with him, several times, and spoke and laughed several times, and at some point she danced with him on the table, also in an intimate way (when i say intimate, i didn't see any kissing, but intimate position).

I confronted her again with this and she said that simply she forgot about that dancing on the table, because she drank too much that night, and the reason that she danced with him because we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget.

1- I am not sure if i can tolerate and accept the dancing and flirting part

2- I sure can not accept the lying. The idea is, whatever happens we can talk about it, even if we end up cheating, we can discuss it, so i don't understand why she still insists on lying.

I am not sure if what i wrote makes any sense to you. But i appreciate your advices.

Thanks in advance

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I've said it before and I'm sure I'll be saying it again... If I ever had to go to the lengths you went to snoop on your g/f then just kill me now. You, sir are either very insecure and have major trust issues in general or your girlfriend has proven to you before that she's not to be trusted. Either way, you're with the wrong woman if you feel you need to go to those lengths to satisfy your insecurity and mistrust.

 

Just how were you, in your fear able to "get video" of the night. Geeze! i suspect she lied to you because she didn't want to hear you torment her over an innocous dance with a stranger boy toy who she's likely never even thought of since the dance.

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I've said it before and I'm sure I'll be saying it again... If I ever had to go to the lengths you went to snoop on your g/f then just kill me now. You, sir are either very insecure and have major trust issues in general or your girlfriend has proven to you before that she's not to be trusted. Either way, you're with the wrong woman if you feel you need to go to those lengths to satisfy your insecurity and mistrust.

 

Just how were you, in your fear able to "get video" of the night. Geeze! i suspect she lied to you because she didn't want to hear you torment her over an innocous dance with a stranger boy toy who she's likely never even thought of since the dance.

 

ok so it's not just me ...

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Can I ask how long you've been dating?

 

Being completely frank, there is a lot here that sounds troubling, with the specifics about what happened at the club the least of it.

 

Like, why is she even bothering to tell you anything about a guy in a club? Even if her story was hard fact it just doesn't seem like a story to share, unless you're (a) trying to ruffle someone's feathers or (b) feel you have a controlling boyfriend who needs details. Perhaps you can offer a bit more detail there. Did you grill her on a play-by-play of the night the next morning, or did she freely offer up the story after you asked if she wanted another cup of coffee?

 

That two months later you're "able to get" video footage of the encounter—well, that triggers some cringing over here. Tells me that you spent 60 days stewing about something instead of letting it go, and in the process removed the boyfriend cap in favor of the detective cap. Not a good sign that you trust her, though a decent sign that the connection points of this dynamic are not particularly mature or sustainable.

 

Can only speak for myself, but if I ever reached the point that I was stewing for two months straight and going into sleuthing mode—well, I'd know I'm not in a relationship I want to be in. Wouldn't even matter what I uncovered.

 

I don't mean to sound accusatory, as we only get so much in these posts, but is there a chance that what you want (open, honest communication) is challenging in part because she fears your reactions and was aware of a paranoid streak before this fateful evening? She was pretty straight in telling you she needed to blow off some steam after an argument, and while her mode of steam clearing wasn't the most elegant I'd be more concerned about what triggered it all to begin with.

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Has she ever cheated on you in the past? The level of paranoia you describe (going after club videos TWO months past an event supposedly involving only flirting) sounds toxic. Why are you feeling so insecure?

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Do you mind me asking what you fought about that day? You mentioned it was a big fight earlier that day before the party. Perhaps both of you are on edge with each other and it's not the first time trust has eroded or appeared broken between the both of you.

 

You may appear edgy and jealous but it's also likely your fights have caused you both to distrust each other overall. It's not a one way street.

 

I think you're hurt and angry because of her inhibitions. I'd process that and ask yourself whether it's worth having a woman who triggers whose negative emotions in you. You may also be incompatible. Maybe she drinks to an incoherent mess and likes to let off steam partying with the girls. Not all women do that. You can make your own personal decisions about the kind of partner you want overall in your life.

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Has she ever cheated on you in the past? The level of paranoia you describe (going after club videos TWO months past an event supposedly involving only flirting) sounds toxic. Why are you feeling so insecure?

 

Not as i am aware about, no

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Do you mind me asking what you fought about that day? You mentioned it was a big fight earlier that day before the party. Perhaps both of you are on edge with each other and it's not the first time trust has eroded or appeared broken between the both of you.

 

You may appear edgy and jealous but it's also likely your fights have caused you both to distrust each other overall. It's not a one way street.

 

I think you're hurt and angry because of her inhibitions. I'd process that and ask yourself whether it's worth having a woman who triggers whose negative emotions in you. You may also be incompatible. Maybe she drinks to an incoherent mess and likes to let off steam partying with the girls. Not all women do that. You can make your own personal decisions about the kind of partner you want overall in your life.

 

We fought about a stupid thing, but she has the habit to make a big thing out of something small...

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It sounds like you don't really share the same relationship values and boundaries. Also, have you ever talked about that?

 

As for you expecting someone to cheat and then tell you about it and be honest.....sorry, but that's pretty naive of you. Cheaters don't cheat and tell.

 

It seems like in your mind, what she did, rises to that level of cheating. Is that correct? I mean if that's so, then you have no choice but to part ways. If this is not a hill you want to die on, then you need to work on adjusting yourself and your own expectations and creating different boundaries in the relationship.

 

If you are constantly fighting, unhappy, too much drama, if she is picking fights all the time over little things and then goes and blows off steam with some other dude....methinks you've just found the tip of the iceberg.

 

Maybe forget the clubbing thing and think more about the relationship overall and whether you want to continue it or not.

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It sounds like you don't really share the same relationship values and boundaries. Also, have you ever talked about that?

 

As for you expecting someone to cheat and then tell you about it and be honest.....sorry, but that's pretty naive of you. Cheaters don't cheat and tell.

 

It seems like in your mind, what she did, rises to that level of cheating. Is that correct? I mean if that's so, then you have no choice but to part ways. If this is not a hill you want to die on, then you need to work on adjusting yourself and your own expectations and creating different boundaries in the relationship.

 

If you are constantly fighting, unhappy, too much drama, if she is picking fights all the time over little things and then goes and blows off steam with some other dude....methinks you've just found the tip of the iceberg.

 

Maybe forget the clubbing thing and think more about the relationship overall and whether you want to continue it or not.

 

Well i don't find it ok, but i don't consider it cheating...what bothered more than the act itself is the lying, because if i never found out, ok it can pass, but as long as i found out i consider she should have told the complete truth and not lie about it...she could have admit it was a mistake, for any reason it can be (our fight that day or anything else)

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Well i don't find it ok, but i don't consider it cheating...what bothered more than the act itself is the lying, because if i never found out, ok it can pass, but as long as i found out i consider she should have told the complete truth and not lie about it...she could have admit it was a mistake, for any reason it can be (our fight that day or anything else)

 

How did you find out Joe , how did you get video footage and what an earth made you do this .

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You seem to be sidestepping some stuff here.

 

Again, I'm curious how this all went down. How did the lie first come about? Did she willingly offer up a narrative of the evening, or was she questioned by you about what, exactly, happened at the club? Do you have any history of questioning her behavior with men, or making any kind of remarks to the effect that you don't like how she conducts herself with the opposite sex? Putting your own concerns aside for a moment, can you imagine that she may feel uncomfortable sharing things with you based on past reactions?

 

Second part is how you "found out." How much energy went into getting this video footage? Did you hire a P.I.? Did you reach out to people who were in the club? I'm not giving her a gold star for awesome behavior here, or even acceptable behavior, but the fact here seems top be that you were pretty set on not letting this moment pass.

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How did you find out Joe , how did you get video footage and what an earth made you do this .

 

She told me the next day, without asking her, that a guy came on to her and sent him away (i think she said it because she thought there's a chance that someone that i know might been there and saw her with that guy, after all it's a night club where anyone can be seen by anyone). how i got the footage? simple...i asked who was the photograph that night in that club, i put someone to contact him and get the shots/videos he took

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You seem to be sidestepping some stuff here.

 

Again, I'm curious how this all went down. How did the lie first come about? Did she willingly offer up a narrative of the evening, or was she questioned by you about what, exactly, happened at the club? Do you have any history of questioning her behavior with men, or making any kind of remarks to the effect that you don't like how she conducts herself with the opposite sex? Putting your own concerns aside for a moment, can you imagine that she may feel uncomfortable sharing things with you based on past reactions?

 

Second part is how you "found out." How much energy went into getting this video footage? Did you hire a P.I.? Did you reach out to people who were in the club? I'm not giving her a gold star for awesome behavior here, or even acceptable behavior, but the fact here seems top be that you were pretty set on not letting this moment pass.

 

She told me the next day, without asking her, that a guy came on to her and sent him away (i think she said it because she thought there's a chance that someone that i know might been there and saw her with that guy, after all it's a night club where anyone can be seen by anyone). how i got the footage? simple...i asked who was the photograph that night in that club, i put someone to contact him and get the shots/videos he took

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Hmmmm....well this is just my opinion but different people may think differently about this. If my partner was pretty drunk and they danced with someone at a club and nothing at all happened, I would probably let it go. You said yourself that in all the footage you saw no kissing at all, only dancing. I think your girlfriend did tell you the truth about all that. However if she went out often and danced with other guys, then I would be concerned. But if it really was only one time and she got drunk because she was at a bacheloretre party, for a special occasion, I wouldn't end a two year relationship just because of that.

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Hmmmm....well this is just my opinion but different people may think differently about this. If my partner was pretty drunk and they danced with someone at a club and nothing at all happened, I would probably let it go. You said yourself that in all the footage you saw no kissing at all, only dancing. I think your girlfriend did tell you the truth about all that. However if she went out often and danced with other guys, then I would be concerned. But if it really was only one time and she got drunk because she was at a bacheloretre party, for a special occasion, I wouldn't end a two year relationship just because of that.

 

if it was just a normal dance, it wouldn't be an issue at all. 1-the dancing was intimate in my opinion (very close, holding her from behind, dancing on the table while he is holding her and lifting her up...etc), 2-if it was just a casual dance i don't think she would have lied about it

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The whole thing sounds trashy. Sorry. If someone were to come straight out and say, look, I heard some things went down at a party and I'm not feeling so good about the whole thing, wouldn't a person want to know why rather than making up lies in the first place? She obviously didn't forget the fight she had with you or the vindictive dancing with someone else. She wasn't feeling good and neither were you, OP. You were both on rocky terms that day, that week, that month or who knows, perhaps the whole year.

 

If you don't sense any remorse coming from her and she's just pissed off or annoyed by your snooping self then so be it. You don't have to be around that kind of person and she doesn't need to be around a guy whom she gets so annoyed with in the first place.

 

I think it takes two to tango and right now neither of you are better than the other. The trust is broken. You both can repair it together or call it a day.

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how i got the footage? simple...i asked who was the photograph that night in that club, i put someone to contact him and get the shots/videos he took

 

But 60 days later? Why? Whether consciously or not, you've picked this as the hill to die on. The video footage, in the end, hardly tells a different story than the one you'd known before.

 

I can't help but feel that you are splitting hairs to find a way to either (a) end something you already wanted to end or (b) continue to find comfort in prosecuting and litigating an incident that is not, in the scheme of things, worth this much emotional energy.

 

As long as your story is that she lied because it was more than a "casual dance," without any room for grace or the consideration that maybe she had different reasons for obfuscation, I don't see this going anywhere but south.

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Im probably a bit against the grain but I understand your concern and sympathize with you. However, I've been very insecure with some women. I think it's a combination of my own insecurities and a person that sort of tweaks those insecurities. Being a bit vague or acting in manners that dont align with my own morals is a certain trigger. Other women ive been pretty secure with.

 

OP is there a chance that the two of you have never really shared the same values? Have you had issues trusting her before? Have you had issues trusting other women? How were the situations different? If uncomfortable honesty is what you require, its something important to you and maybe you should seek a person that can provide that. I happen to think that had she been completely honest about the dancing, you'd at least respect that and process it. Its the lack of trust thats really getting you.

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But 60 days later? Why? Whether consciously or not, you've picked this as the hill to die on. The video footage, in the end, hardly tells a different story than the one you'd known before.

 

I can't help but feel that you are splitting hairs to find a way to either (a) end something you already wanted to end or (b) continue to find comfort in prosecuting and litigating an incident that is not, in the scheme of things, worth this much emotional energy.

 

As long as your story is that she lied because it was more than a "casual dance," without any room for grace or the consideration that maybe she had different reasons for obfuscation, I don't see this going anywhere but south.

 

Agree with this. Look it's true that this behaviour is a bit "trashy". Your girlfriend is 37 and she's dancing closely with a 21-ywar-old guy. That in itself is a bit "cougar" but she isn't even single. I understand your concern. Maybe I'm just trying to come from my own experiences of being an idiot when I was drunk. I think if it happened only once and nothing happened then you could give her another chance. If she does something similar again, then you can see it was more of a pattern, rather a one off thing. I'm just saying that to end a two year relationship over it seems too strong? There was no actual cheating. Up to you of course.

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That is a seriously irresponsible partner and mother!!

 

She behaves like that at her age? Wow!

 

She is a liar, she behaves badly and then excuses it. She has no class when it comes to behaving properly as a mother. Drinking and grinding up against a strange man way younger than her is not responsible.

 

I'm not you, but I would dump her and not look back.

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the vindictive dancing with someone else

 

Exactly!!

This is how she behaves when she's mad at you?? What kind of woman is she? And how far will she go next time you two fall out?

 

The vindictive behavior would really bother me because now anytime she's mad at you she could possibly behave badly with another man and excuse it and not even feel bad about it.

 

The lying as well.

 

She's seriously not worth it. That would be too much of a headache and too much of a pile of worries to bother with.

You'd be better off to go and find a partner who is trustworthy and won't pull this crap when they are mad.

No one would want to live looking over their shoulder like that.

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