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She still likes her ex but also seems to want me?


MaybeThen
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Here’s my story: A few months ago I met a girl in my country while she vacationed. She had broken up with her bf that same day. Told me he was great except for the fact he was emotionally aloof so she felt unloved. She paid me an incredible amount of attention and took the attention from me as well. 3 days later we were telling each other we loved and missed one another. That we are one another’s soul mates. She says I’m the most amazing person she has ever met and that I was what she was missing with her ex. She agreed to come back out and visit me in a few months (which she did). She makes me feel very happy and special. We immediately marked ourselves as in a relationship on social media and she calls me her boyfriend. I really feel she loves me. It’s been 4 months since we met. Aside from the first day I met her on vacation, she did come back to visit me and we’ve spent 11 days together total in person. I think I should also admit here that I am 18 years older than her. She is 30. I don’t have a lot of money or good looks. So I think this is genuine. I told her I want to spend my life with her.

 

Well, out of the blue she told me we need to talk. In the talk she told me that she has been in contact with her ex and there’s feelings there. I didn’t know that and was surprised. She said she just wants to be happy with whoever she is going to be with in life. She told me that she really enjoys the time we spend together, that she likes the feeling, and wants to continue talking to me. But she said she can’t make any guarantees or promises, I’m here and she’s there. She said she doesn’t want to rush into anything serious, she’s still healing.

 

I’ve done some research online and I understand I’m probably what’s called a “rebound” and she’s probably in love with the attention, and not really me. But this is where it gets weird: she’s been very honest with me and showed me the conversation she had with her ex, I asked. This is what she says to him:

 

“We can not be in contact right now because I’m very hurt by you and as long as we’re talking I can’t heal. I just want to be happy with whoever I’m going to be with. When you are done working on yourself, and I have healed, I hope we can reconnect. It’s like a wish. I want to see if things would work out with us and fall back into place. We have so much in common and I miss the good times”

 

My heart sunk when I read this. But then he asks about me and who I am to her. She says:

 

“I met up with him again and I had a great time. All I wanted was to be treated like a princess and spoiled. He’s been nothing but great to me. That’s what I wanted from you. I told him for the time being I want to continue speaking with him. I told him I can’t make any promises or guarantees. He’s there and I’m here. And I don’t want to rush into anything serious. That’s pretty much it. I can’t say he and I will still be talking in a few months. I don’t know that.”

 

Initially I would think she would leave me for her ex. But after what she says about me, and she cut contact with him, doesn’t it seem like I have a good chance with her? She told him about me so she must be considering a relationship with me? It sounds like her reasons for being apprehensive are because I live far away? Or was she letting me down gently?

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Showing you the message was intended as a threat (mind game) but it ends up backfiring on her because it only shows how insecure and untrustworthy of a character she is. You can't possibly be considering this person for anything in your life? Please have some self-respect. It doesn't matter how much money you have or how ugly or good looking you are. Don't sink so low.

 

Date locally too and meet women in your area. Things will clear up and improve the better your self-esteem gets. I think you're stuck in a really dark place. Get out of there - out of that mind space.

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She's 30? What's up with all the juvenile Facebook games?

 

She probably "marked" you two as in a relationship so her so-called ex would see and contact her.

 

As for her messages, all she told him is she couldn't promise she would still be talking to you in a few months and that you treated her the way she wanted HIM to treat her. She told HIM she wishes they could reconnect and she misses the good times with him.

 

Sorry, but it sure looks like she wanted him back and used you to accomplish that.

 

She's not nice.

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“Showing you the message was intended as a threat (mind game) but it ends up backfiring on her because it only shows how insecure and untrustworthy of a character she is. ”

 

How so? I asked to see it so I could see the reality of the situation, she obliged.

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“She's 30? What's up with all the juvenile Facebook games?

 

She probably "marked" you two as in a relationship so her so-called ex would see and contact her.”

 

He doesn’t have Facebook. So no. They were in contact the entire time I was with her. I didn’t know. That was what she told me when we talked.

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I'm sorry that your self esteem is so low that you allow yourself to be a third wheel. Are you hoping she hands you a rose like on one of those bachelorette shows, winning some competition with all the other contestants?

 

The age gap you speak of has a 95 percent failure rate. Add to that long distance, the constant talking to and talking about an ex, and the failure rate likely skyrockets to 100 percent.

 

Work on lifting your self worth to what it should be and you won't be settling for women who are so totally wrong for you that everyone else can see it but you.

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You were a rebound.

 

You cannot be in love with someone in three days, as you do not know one another. All of this has been fantasy, and she is in love with her ex.

 

You need to be done. You have zero chance with her. You need to go no contact.

 

Dude you have spent a couple of weeks with this woman. Why have you invested so much in this nothing relationship. You have allowed her to treat you as her therapist, as she goes on about her bf. Where is your self worth.

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“Dude you have spent a couple of weeks with this woman. Why have you invested so much in this ”

 

She refers to me as her boyfriend and there’s lots of photos of her and I on her social media with captions saying how much she loves me. Why wouldn’t I have thought any differently? I didn’t know people did that to others. I genuinely thought we had something real because it happened so quickly. She posts my photos and captions it “I miss you. I love you”. It didn’t feel fake

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“Why are you attaching so much importance to social media? it also sounds like she did this to make the ex jealous. ”

 

Because if she didn’t like me why is she posting me for all her friends and family to see? When we were together in person she treated me like her boyfriend, too.

 

She didn’t do it to make her ex jealous. He doesn’t have access to her profile, it’s private. So that theory doesn’t hold up.

 

 

I don’t have much going for me and a young attractive woman seems to be head over heels for me, tells me she loves and misses me, and I don’t have money so what would she be using me for. Or why pick me when someone like her could get anyone. I don’t get it.

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She said she doesn’t want to rush into anything serious, she’s still healing.

 

I’ve done some research online and I understand I’m probably what’s called a “rebound” and she’s probably in love with the attention, and not really me.

 

- bingo. You are wasting your time with this woman.... she's not ready, she'll rip your heart out.

 

I would cut contact and date other women.

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Tell her to get rid of the ex permanently and then decide if she is interested in you, otherwise you don't want to hear from her.

 

I think I got caught up with the fact she went no contact with him at all and is still talking to me, sending photos, posting photos, and telling me she loves me even after we had the conversation etc. so I felt like she was picking me. But I’m starting to realize that she probably is just using me for attention while her ex is temporarily MIA

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Sounds like a fun vacation fling for her but her "ex" is now and probably has always been in the picture. Simply block and delete her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. All the glitters isn't gold.

 

 

When I invited her back and she arrived, I did pay for everything. I wanted to give her what he didn’t do for her, it was what she was looking for. I guess I thought I was doing things right and definitely won her over based on everything from the love talk, saying I was her boyfriend, etc. but I’m starting to see now that when she told me she wants to keep talking because she “likes the feeling” that’s really all I do for her. Fill a void.

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. 3 days later we were telling each other we loved and missed one another. That we are one another’s soul mates. She says I’m the most amazing person she has ever met and that I was what she was missing with her ex.

 

You are a rebound. At best the above is Love Bombing.

 

You are the whirlwind exotic romance she had on vacation to make her EX jealous & to make herself feel more attractive.

 

Sane adults who understand what real love means do no behave this way. Declaring "love" after 3 days is an indication she has no idea what the concept actually is. She like the Hollywood version of hearts & flowers, the dizzying feeling of infatuation. Long term. this will never last.

 

Everything she's doing is designed to lure him back & get him to open up. You are a pawn. Stop letter her use you. My heart breaks for you that at 48 you crave love so much that you want this to be real.

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I think I got caught up with the fact she went no contact with him at all and is still talking to me, sending photos, posting photos, and telling me she loves me even after we had the conversation etc. so I felt like she was picking me. But I’m starting to realize that she probably is just using me for attention while her ex is temporarily MIA

 

Stand your ground man. You are not an option, and you need to clarify that.

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You are a rebound. At best the above is Love Bombing.

 

You are the whirlwind exotic romance she had on vacation to make her EX jealous & to make herself feel more attractive.

 

Sane adults who understand what real love means do no behave this way. Declaring "love" after 3 days is an indication she has no idea what the concept actually is. She like the Hollywood version of hearts & flowers, the dizzying feeling of infatuation. Long term. this will never last.

 

Everything she's doing is designed to lure him back & get him to open up. You are a pawn. Stop letter her use you. My heart breaks for you that at 48 you crave love so much that you want this to be real.

 

Your theory is slightly wrong, she’s not doing this to lure him. (In fact, I just found out the other day that they had been talking the entire 4 months. So he’s very present). I met her in my family’s shop and we got to talking. She was down. Her ex wants her back but she said no because he wasn’t giving her the love she craved. She said she just wanted to feel loved and spoiled, so I told her I can do that for her. So that’s what I did. She was very receptive to it and it just felt too good to be true. But I got taken away by it.

 

I’m the one who said I loved her first. But maybe I got distracted by her looks. She’s easily a 9/10 and I never had a woman who looks like this pay any attention to me. I guess I got carried away with the fact she paid me so much attention. I felt like I was the only one and didn’t want to lose the chance to be with someone who looked like her. And with all of the way she spoke to me, sends me risqué photos, along with posting my photos on her social media, it really felt real. Like she was showing me off and happy to have found me.

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Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he was ever an ex. Perhaps she want a fun paid-for vacation fling? Try not to get caught up in a sugar-daddy situation while her bf gets the sex.

I just found out the other day that they had been talking the entire 4 months. So he’s very present.
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None of this is real. I don't care what she's posting on (phony) social media.

 

The messages you shared did not indicate in any way she was planning to leave him for good to be with you. In fact, it sounded like quite the opposite.

 

Look for a real relationship. Not getting all excited because her outward appearance is attractive. And BTW, that's not love. I'm sure you know that.

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When I invited her back and she arrived, I did pay for everything. I wanted to give her what he didn’t do for her, it was what she was looking for. I guess I thought I was doing things right and definitely won her over based on everything from the love talk, saying I was her boyfriend, etc. but I’m starting to see now that when she told me she wants to keep talking because she “likes the feeling” that’s really all I do for her. Fill a void.

 

You stroke her ego. That sounds really fulfilling. C'mon dude, no one can be that lonely.

 

I think this boils down to her being hot and young. Ugh.

Edited by Hollyj
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You stroke her ego. That sounds really fulfilling. C'mon dude, no one can be that lonely.

 

I think this boils down to her being hot and young. Ugh.

 

You guys almost have me completely convinced it’s fake. But I guess when I look at everything, all our photos, and the way she talks to me it’s hard to let completely go. Hard to believe it’s completely and absolutely a farce. Part of me still thinks there’s a chance

 

It’s not just about her being hot. Look I admit she’s entirely out of my league and girls like her don’t pay attention to guys like me. She makes me feel good too. She makes me feel special. Like she really cares and is proud of me and excited about me. When she landed she brought me a gift of my favorite thing and it felt really nice. It felt so good to spend the week with her laughing and walking around town with me. I really felt I was doing a good job. Being what she needed. And she was what I needed

 

Honestly I felt like I won the lottery. Yes I’ve been single most of my life and suddenly this really beautiful girl was paying me attention? That doesn’t happen. I told her the universe must have brought us together and she agreed, that was the only thing that made sense to me. She wrote me really poetic letters about her feelings for me and even posted it on my public account. If it was so fake wouldn’t she have just kept me hidden? But if she really believed we were destined to be like she wrote, then I know it’s weird she would now tell me she can’t make any promises about our future

Edited by MaybeThen
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