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Is he interested in me or using me to get over his ex


Nathalie91
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There is a guy with who I share a good friendship with. He told me that things where bad with his girlfriend. After they broke up he has become more touchy with me and he said that spending time with me comforted him. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. I genuinely like this guy very much but I am unsure why he is doing this. The break up has had a big impact on him but the way he is caring for me makes me very confused.

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Why are you questioning it? Is there something else going on that you are not sharing? No one can give you adequate advice if you're holding back on details.

 

Let's look at some reality and not sugarcoat things -- the reality is, you are probably a rebound. You were buddies when he was crying on your shoulder about his girlfriend, and then they broke up, and he could cry on your shoulder about that, and you were his therapist and his filler, and now you've slept together and he's caring for you and enjoying the sex and companionship while he cries about his ex-girlfriend and how wounded he is, and all is well until he no longer needs you and he moves on...either back to the GF or someone new.

 

Maybe this is the real-deal, and the reason he's doing this is because he likes you and sees a future with you. You've been friends for a long time and now it's moved up to the next level, and he cares for you...not the best of circumstances to move into a new relationship, but maybe it's the real-deal.

 

You sound like you've been crushing on him for a long time, so you easily fell into bed with him, when he became available, but you know something isn't right.

 

Please share the circumstances and history and issues that are confusing you about why he is caring for you...you're omitting something.

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Sorry for the lack of information. I wanted to change it but I was already past the 30 min changing time. So here is the longer version:

 

There is a guy with who I share a good friendship with. We haven't known eachother for very long, but got along very well immediately. He told me that things weren't going well with his girlfriend. I was in the same boat, I broke up after a 9 year relationship. After he said that they broke up he has become more touchy with me and he said that spending time with me comforted him. We recently went on a 5 day trip (he was our guide) and shared a meaningfull conversation. He grabbed my hand when I was talking about my own struggles. We spent the nights sleeping next to eachother in the hut and he actually hugged and kissed me. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together after the trip. I genuinely like this guy very much but I am unsure why he is doing this. The break up has had a big impact on him but the way he is caring for me makes me very confused. I've had more time to get over my ex and I am ready to start a new relationship with someone else. The way he shows his care for me really touches me. A strong emotional bond is something I really missed during my previous relationship. I know that he is not ready to start a new relationship at the moment. I am okay with that since I will be living in another country for 4 months (we are both from another country). However I am really temped to go back, partly to see if we can work it out together and to develop my career there. I have a hard time understanding what he wants out of this. He told me that he would like it if I came back and he would like to get to know me better.

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You are very right to be worried......often, after a breakup, a person goes through a rebound period, where they are not ready to love again until they are healed. If you get involved with him, there is a high chance he will break your heart, and that you will be the rebound girl. It's not a good gamble.

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It sounds like a bit of both. While the length of time between the end of his last relationship & him taking up with you seems short his relationship may have been over in all material ways before the technical break up. Just measure how he treats you & go with the flow for now. Do guard your heart for a while longer but don't invent problems.

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It feels really good to get attention from someone when you've been discarded. That doesn't mean you two will end up together.

 

Please don't give up anything or cancel your current plans to return to him on a "maybe". Four months is such a short amount of time. If you two are really going to be together 4 months isn't going to change that.

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Every breakup is different. His relationship may have been over long before things ended. Knowing you before the breakup, may have made him realize how bad things have become between him and his ex. Others have pointed out, him putting it out there he was ending things with her, was him grooming you for this possible rebound. Yes it's possible. But it's also possible he really fell for you right from the start, and didn't want you to get away. So it's 50/50. We can't predict what is going to happen unfortunately, it's all guessing. My advice is to stop things for now. You are already being invested when you truly don't know where his head is at. That's not good.

It deserves a conversation and an explanation why you need to shut this down. See what he has to say. Things as they are, it's an out of control run away train. You both just need to slow things down A LOT, take a few steps back, stop sleeping with each other, no cuddle buddy stuff, and simply date casually or just be friends. Hopefully this will make you both more clear headed, and keep things in check.

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Sorry to hear this . Unfortunately it sounds more like you're the one on the rebound and not ready to date. That's ok. If you like the guy you can find some comfort in each others arms for a while. Not sure how that will work if you will be long distance. Consider it a fun comforting fling.

I was talking about my own struggles.

 

something I really missed during my previous relationship.

 

I will be living in another country for 4 months (we are both from another country).

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Unfortunately it sounds more like you're the one on the rebound and not ready to date. That's ok.

 

This is where my mind went as well.

 

When it comes to dating, regardless of the circumstances, there is a difference between being skittish and being cautious. Skittishness is generally a sign of being more scared of connection than open to it, while cautiousness is about being open without being reckless. You sound very skittish, which can also be a form of recklessness that can lead to more hurt than any person can deliver.

 

I can see why, of course. He's fresh out of something, which is always cause for some concern, even as it is responsible for the raw vulnerability you like in him. Then again, there are plenty of instances where someone is ready, or that a genuinely healthy relationship comes right on the heels of another that had run its course. One of my best longterm relationships started days after someone got out of a relationship. Yes, I was cautious in the beginning, trusting that I could explore things without handing over the reigns to my heart in a few weeks, and so I proceeded, observing, and ultimately trusting that she was sincere. She was. We didn't last forever, but we didn't end because of all that. Two and half years later we'd just grown into shapes that no longer fit.

 

Point being, there is always cause for concern at this stage, and if our instinct is to immediately come up with a reason why something can't work the moment we start to experience feelings—well, we will always be able to write that story, a story that brings comfort to those who are not actually ready and open. If he'd been single for the past 5 years, for instance, I wonder if you'd be asking us if he even wants to be in a relationship, despite how sweet he's being. Whenever we're bent on knowing what someone else is "really" thinking or feeling, it's often because our own emotional cores are a bit murky.

 

There are ways, here, where the circumstances are very good for exploration, if you can do that without surrendering your entire core right away. You move slow, feel it out, trusting your instincts, and owning that you are an active participant here, with your own agency. You did not "end up" sleeping together, for instance, but you chose to sleep with him. That's the difference between an active mindset and a passive one, self-ownership vs not trusting yourself.

 

You're about to go away. That in itself means you are many, many moons from knowing where this could go, which is healthy. So baby steps, with clear, cautious eyes, not skittish feet and eyes rapidly blinking. And if for whatever reason that's not in your wheelhouse—well, it's best to own that rather than make it all about untangling the mystery that is him. That's the thing that is never quite knowable, while you are the thing that is knowable to yourself.

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There is a guy with who I share a good friendship with. He told me that things where bad with his girlfriend. After they broke up he has become more touchy with me and he said that spending time with me comforted him. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. I genuinely like this guy very much but I am unsure why he is doing this. The break up has had a big impact on him but the way he is caring for me makes me very confused.

Oh, no need to be confused. You went to bed with a guy who was hurting and instead of telling him that you would like to see where things go with him because you like him, once he isn't rebounding and looking to use women to get over a woman, you would be glad to go on a real date with him. You would have been looking after your own emotional self to stay out of bed until you returned in four months from your travels. By then he would have been well on his way to healing from his break up and not just looking for a soft place to land.

 

Why are you confused? It's clear a glass and typical of someone rebounding with someone who always wanted more than just platonic friendship.

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Thank for all the good advise everyone. Things have become a bit clearer for me right now.

 

I have been asking myself the question if I was the one that wasn't open for a relationship. I agree that I am very skiddish, not only with love but overall. My self esteem is very low, which makes me over analyse everything. I am afraid to get hurt, but I feel like I am already hurting because I have developed feelings for him. Also my relationship with my ex ended long a ago before actually breaking up with him. He was a best friend to me, he tried to prolong our relationship by saying that he could see that I had feelings for him, in which I was doubtful for a few years. I didn't do anything about it because I felt at ease with him and saw him as a good friend. I didn't have many friends and the thought of breaking up with him scared me the most because I didn't want to end up lonely. I wasn't intimate with him at all, it went down to once every 3/4 months out of obligation. I have finally made the step to break up with him, but I really want to be in a relationship were I can give my all to someone, be myself, have a deep connection and feel that someone cares a lot about me.

 

I really love hanging out with this guy, he is funny, tried his best to help me out (he works in the same world that I am trying to get a career in) and it makes me happy just to be in his company. He also told me that he liked me from the moment we met. During the time that I spend with him it felt like we had a connection, which made me treasure the time we spend together. I am quite introverted and therefore don't make friends with just anyone. It is hard to believe that he uses me as a rebound after everything I told him about myself. He knows that I am a very sensitive person and it would hurt me a lot if he did only use me for comfort and disregarded my feelings. Maybe he thought it was impossible for something to develop between us since I am from a different country, leaving soon and because of our age gap ( he is 18 years older than me). In the beginning I didn't expect things to go this way, let alone sleeping with him. He was continuously trying to approach me, trying to sit next to me during the trip, putting my sleeping bag next to his. When he saw that I was cold he took me closer to him and eventually kissed me as well. The day we slept together is also the day that I last spoke to him. When we were together that night, I asked him if he wouldn't be hurt more by doing this. That question seemed to have thrown him of balance and he almost left me hanging in the room. However we both wanted to sleep together and put away our rational thoughts. After we said goodbye that morning I only got one text message from him. I really wanted to meet with him one more time for a drink and say goodbye to him before leaving the country, but he said that he was packed full emotions. He would appreciate seeing me as well but he needed to gather himself and stay in and sleep. He wanted to reach out to me next week and see how I was doing.

 

In 2 days I am going back to another country for work until April. After that I have the choice to remain there to develop my career or do the same thing in the country where he lives. I love both countries (both are not where I originally come from). I am tempted to do the latter one and see after we give each other some space if it is possible for something to develop. There must be something for him alswell if he's telling me that he would like to get to know me better if I come back

 

.

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I am quite introverted and therefore don't make friends with just anyone. It is hard to believe that he uses me as a rebound after everything I told him about myself. He knows that I am a very sensitive person and it would hurt me a lot if he did only use me for comfort and disregarded my feelings.
Then because of your personality, the essence that is you, you really would do well to get to know someone and make sure they are genuinely into you before you sleep with them... particularly if you already have feelings for them.

 

Question: Were the two of you still in relationships when you were being 'mentored' by him, when you were really enjoying hanging out with him?

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I would try to be a little more in the present moment, rather than caught between the past and the future, as you seem to be. You're about to leave, to go somewhere until April. This is fact, and that fact means that all these questions don't really need to be answered right now, because they can't be. That's probably a good thing, as it will give you time to get a little more settled in your life and spirit, and for him to do the same.

 

Not sure how old you are, but that is quite an age difference. That, plus him just being out of something, plus you leaving and being generally skittish—well, it's just a lot of road blocks to an organic connection, and letting a connection take root and expand. Putting him aside, I really can't help but think that a lot of his "power" in your life right now is connected to you really wanting a sense of stability, to you wanting him to be some kind of answer to a Big Question. Very human. You're about to move, a move that is already somewhat temporary, so having some kind of anchor/answer is very appealing. But at the end of the day you already have that anchor—inside of you. It just needs to be seen and cultivated a bit more, I think, than it is right now.

 

Personally, I don't like this idea of people "using" people. It just gives them too much power, for one, and it's awfully negative. The world is filled with stories—playing out by the minute—of people attempting to connect romantically and then realizing they can't: because there isn't enough of a vibe after a few weeks or months, because they've realized they're still hurting about the past, because...the reasons are endless, but very rarely did one of those people actively decide to "use" another person. I don't think he is using you in any way, in short. He is being who he is, right now, and you are doing the same. The net result of that, however, is not harmony on either end.

 

Inhale, exhale. Enjoy this new stage in your life. The answers to everything spinning in your mind are going to come with time, not by spinning them faster. I do agree with TwT that having sex with someone in a gray zone, regardless of their recent romantic history, may be something to avoid in the future, as it seems to disrupt some logical thinking and what you genuinely need to build a connection with someone. Let's say, hypothetically, that he'd been single for a year or so and that you weren't moving; in that scenario I still can't help but think you'd be battling a lot of the same nerves, and those nerves don't bode well for letting tings unfold, as they need to.

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Most of the time people don't think "you know, I think I'll use someone as a rebound today". They think "it feels good to be around someone who really likes me while I'm feeling discarded/heartbroken/at loose ends". So for you to say he wouldn't use you knowing the kind of person you are doesn't apply because it's doubtful he made a conscious decision to "use" you.

 

The fact that he didn't want to see you after you two had sex isn't looking too good, however. "I need to gather myself and sleep" sounds like "I don't want to be around you because it'll be awkward for me".

 

Don't make future plans based on what you hope will happen with him. If you do and things between the two of you don't end up as a romantic relationship you'll be stuck in a country that constantly reminds you of him. Yeah, you'll say but that's OK! I love that country! But if things don't work out you'll really be in a bind.

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Yes we both were still in relationships

 

Well then it was an emotional affair to begin with, I guess which makes it a sketchy foundation for any relationship and it means you barely know this man other than a few stolen moments together when you were away from your partners. It makes me wonder if he hadn't come into your life, would you still be with your former partner. You were with him a long time (9 years) after all.

 

Are you sure your 'friend' is actually broken up? Have you been to his home, met any of his friends? I'm just skeptical because he "told" you he broke up with his partner but there isn't really any evidence that he actually did (or is there) and he avoided you the next day after you were sexually intimate.

 

Anyway... just a bunch of speculation that, IMO, shouldn't just be tucked under a rug somewhere but rather thought about and then shelved while you get on with your move for four months. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. I wouldn't be chasing him, that's for sure.

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Well then it was an emotional affair to begin with, I guess which makes it a sketchy foundation for any relationship and it means you barely know this man other than a few stolen moments together when you were away from your partners. It makes me wonder if he hadn't come into your life, would you still be with your former partner. You were with him a long time (9 years) after all.

 

Are you sure your 'friend' is actually broken up? Have you been to his home, met any of his friends? I'm just skeptical because he "told" you he broke up with his partner but there isn't really any evidence that he actually did (or is there) and he avoided you the next day after you were sexually intimate.

 

Anyway... just a bunch of speculation that, IMO, shouldn't just be tucked under a rug somewhere but rather thought about and then shelved while you get on with your move for four months. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. I wouldn't be chasing him, that's for sure.

 

I don't think I would still have been with my ex even if I didn't know him. I knew that relationship wasn't good for me, I didn't break it off for so long because I was afraid. Right now I am happy I did and I want to develop a real and healthy relationship with someone. I agree with you that I shouldn't be chasing him. If he is interested I am sure he will pursue me. I was too drowned in the feelings he gave me because it was something that I was craving for. I think I should focus on my new job and heal myself as well first.

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we were together that night, I asked him if he wouldn't be hurt more by doing this. That question seemed to have thrown him of balance and he almost left me hanging in the room. However we both wanted to sleep together and put away our rational thoughts. After we said goodbye that morning I only got one text message from him. I really wanted to meet with him one more time for a drink and say goodbye to him before leaving the country, but he said that he was packed full emotions. He would appreciate seeing me as well but he needed to gather himself and stay in and sleep. He wanted to reach out to me next week and see how I was doing.

 

This to me reads like a man who slept with someone else and was reminded of the loss of his recent break-up. It doesn't mean he didn't enjoy the sex with you, but it sounds very much as though he is thinking about his ex and misses her in a way he didn't realize until he had sex with a different woman. He was too emotionally fraught to see you, and I think it was because he knows his heart and mind are still very much with her.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I don't mean to be a downer but I would not hold your breath for this man. I maintain that this is largely a rebound for him and you would be wise not to count on it developing further.

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