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Should I stay with her after finding out she has a child


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So I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl for a few months and I have really started to like this girl to the point of almost loving her. I was looking forward to go visit her soon, however I have just recently found out that she has a four year old child which she had when she was 16. This was a complete shock to me.

 

She told me she never told cause she was scared to loose me. I really don't know what to do cause a part of me still really likes her but at the same time I feel destroyed finding this information out and don't think I'm ready to look after someone else's child.

 

Should I end the conversation and start moving on or stay and keep talking to her?

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She lied by omission about having a child?

 

That's a giant red flag, OP, as it speaks to some serious character flaws. She is willing to put her own needs and interests above anything else, including hiding her child like she is some shameful secret.

 

I would not proceed with this.

 

I gather you have never met this woman. You really need to learn not to get too wrapped up in someone before having met and spent ample time with her in person.

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I totally agree with @MissCanuck

 

She has been extremely manipulative. Plus her child does not deserve a father figure who does not really want to be one at this time. (Which is perfectly fair enough).

 

"Scared to lose you" is not an excuse. It's just a nice way to say, "I wanted to manipulate you into developing sufficient emotional attachment to me before I drop the baby-bomb on you".

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Conversely to the advice above, I can’t say she ‘lied’ about it... You never asked her and a lot of single parents will spend a bit of time getting to know someone and seeing how it goes before exposing their children to the situation...which is quite wise in my opinion.

 

So yes, the real question is are you willing to look after someone elses child....

 

Well only you can answer that, but it also depends on how involved the father is. I’ve dated women with children (even married one of ‘em) and your obligations and input don’t necessarily have to be full time 100%...

 

You can bond with children even if their not yours... But a word of warning: Never come between a mumma bear and her cubs! :) lol

 

Carus*

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Yes, if you are not ready to be a dad, especially to someone else's child then you have no obligation to be.

 

 

Agree with other posters, i would end this sooner rather than later. 99% of the time LDR fail anyway even without dishonesty.

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Conversely to the advice above, I can’t say she ‘lied’ about it... You never asked her and a lot of single parents will spend a bit of time getting to know someone and seeing how it goes before exposing their children to the situation...which is quite wise in my opinion.

*

 

Revealing that you are the mother of a four year old to a potential partner is not the same thing as "exposing their children to the situation". Nobody is suggesting that she should be bringing her kid to every first date. But the fact that she does have a child is clearly a big factor in any relationship that she might have, and completely changes the dynamics of said relationship, so yes, she did have a moral obligation of honesty on the subject before she strung him along for months.

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I am assuming by what you wrote that she didn't lie per se, she just didn't disclose this information to you about having a child.

Which, let's be honest, isn't going to be welcomed by most guys your age, so I can see her point.

 

She's not asking you to look after her child. In fact, if her child is 4, then it sounds like she's taking care of her own child well enough.

 

She wants to continue dating you. I don't know how much of anything changes then how it was before, apart from you deciding if you want to date a single mom or not.

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Conversely to the advice above, I can’t say she ‘lied’ about it... You never asked her and a lot of single parents will spend a bit of time getting to know someone and seeing how it goes before exposing their children to the situation...which is quite wise in my opinion.

 

So yes, the real question is are you willing to look after someone elses child....

 

Well only you can answer that, but it also depends on how involved the father is. I’ve dated women with children (even married one of ‘em) and your obligations and input don’t necessarily have to be full time 100%...

 

You can bond with children even if their not yours... But a word of warning: Never come between a mumma bear and her cubs! :) lol

 

Carus*

 

What 20 year old chatting to another online ever asks “do you have kids?”

That’s utterly ridiculous that you are putting the onus of not knowing she had a kid on the op?

 

Single parents wanting a real relationship will of course take their time before exposing their child to another.

But that’s not what she did or was doing!? She hid the fact that she had a child and led the op on.

When he asked how was her day , everyday for months , she omitted the fact that she took her child to day care or that the reason she works part time is because she had a kid, or the reason she didn’t work one day was because her kid was sick.

 

A whole big bunch of lies! And supposedly she was scared to tell the op? What a load of crap!!

She wasn’t interested in a real relationship. She was scared of losing a pretend one only.

 

Your advice is to never come between a mumma bear and her cubs????

This mumma bear had no cubs but suddenly a 4 year old one!

Mumma bear is not the sweet person she lets on to be! Imagine if baby bear was hidden in a closet when her long distance “bf arrived? “ ????

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she wont be the first to not mention *it* and she wont be the last ..one of my mates went on a date a few years ago , they met at a cafe , anyway her secret was soon to be discovered when he turned up ....she was 8 months pregnant :eek:

 

So for me it is a case of what you said next ...

don't think I'm ready to look after someone else's child

 

So no , based on that alone , walk away ( well tell her first ) .....

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Unfortunately, this sounds like a catfish or scammer. At best it's just some bored woman cheating on her bf/husband. Block and delete it asap. Date local women you can see in person regularly. That way they can't hide things this much

I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl for a few months. I have just recently found out that she has a four year old child which she had when she was 16.

Should I end the conversation and start moving on or stay and keep talking to her?

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Imagine if baby bear was hidden in a closet when her long distance “bf arrived? “ ????

Mm yes, I think you’re being a little over dramatic there...But anyway, your opinion is yours and mine is mine and that’s the beauty of online forums isn’t it*

 

So Op didn’t know she has a child and now he does. They’ve only been chatting a few months so I don’t see this as the huge mountain some of you are...

 

I can totally understand where the girlfriend is coming from. I’m sure having a child at 16 and then separating from the father is not something she feels super proud of and wants the world to know about it...as well as wanting to know who it is she’s talking to over the internet...

 

.....and now Ale has some decisions to make that’s all...

 

Carus*

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You are 20 years old. this is a long distance situation where you presumably have not yet met. She's immature in that she hid her child from you "to not lose you." She has a lot of growing up to do. Not introducing your kids to a new romantic interest is one thing but here going out of her way to hide her child shows that she is not ready for parenthood.

 

Give up on her because there are too many negative factors to overcome: distance, immaturity, concealment, & your understandable desire to not get bogged down in somebody else's drama at such a young age.

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Well, clearly she DID finally tell you that she had a child when (I assume) you started making plans to see her in person.

 

Up until that point, I think she was just talking to you and seeing if there was any chance of some potential. Perhaps she was talking to other guys, too. Did you have the 'exclusive' talk?

 

Yes, she could have mentioned the child, but since you hadn't even met in person, there was no sin in omitting the information. But there would have been a sin if she failed to tell you when you were planning to meet.

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A lot of women don't tell a man about their children right away, this is considered normal. The safety of the child is the main concern here, not you.

 

A lot of women have kids or want them. If you want to date women, it comes with the territory. Biological function. Welcome to the world, Neo.

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Revealing that you are the mother of a four year old to a potential partner is not the same thing as "exposing their children to the situation". Nobody is suggesting that she should be bringing her kid to every first date. But the fact that she does have a child is clearly a big factor in any relationship that she might have, and completely changes the dynamics of said relationship, so yes, she did have a moral obligation of honesty on the subject before she strung him along for months.

 

Completely agree. If there's any talk about meeting to see if there is potential for the future whether the person has a child is highly relevant. Common sense. I once had a first date with a guy I met at a religious retreat -the date was a lunch at his home - and before he served lunch he told me his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child. No I don't think he should have told me sooner -whether the lunch was a date or not was fuzzy at best and he wanted to tell me before we actually went on a date. I appreciated his honest a lot. It wasn't easy for him to tell me.

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Completely agree. If there's any talk about meeting to see if there is potential for the future whether the person has a child is highly relevant. Common sense.

.

 

He begins the post with someone who he considers himself `LD dating for a few months" Granted, they've never met and are just now planning too.

 

I believe that it's unfair to withhold important information from someone to manipulate a situation. This was something she should have shared because he has the right to make a choice based on the information given. she denied him that.

 

We can debate whether these on line romances have any legitimacy, but apparently to a lot of people believe them to be, this guy included. He considered himself to be dating her and possibly falling in love with her.

 

Lastly, I don't know how a parent withholds that info. Let alone withholding it in an attempt to `not scare him off' It's self serving and manipulative. My sons are the first thing that spill out of my mouth. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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But she DID give him the information when the time came that he was planning on visiting her.

 

Online talking doesn't give either party an imperative to air all of one's personal laundry. The point of talking to someone on a computer screen is to see if there is any kind of connection. When you meet for the first time, that is when you decide whether or not the connection is worth pursuing. She gave him the pertinent information when they talked about meeting in person.

 

I don't agree that she was 'stringing him along.'

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But she DID give him the information when the time came that he was planning on visiting her.

 

Online talking doesn't give either party an imperative to air all of one's personal laundry. The point of talking to someone on a computer screen is to see if there is any kind of connection. When you meet for the first time, that is when you decide whether or not the connection is worth pursuing. She gave him the pertinent information when they talked about meeting in person.

 

I don't agree that she was 'stringing him along.'

 

If they agreed the purpose of chatting was because they both wanted to meet in person when time permitted, given the distance, then she owed it to him to tell him about her child. If the purpose of chatting was just to chat and somewhere along the way they decided to meet for potential dating or romantic purposes then I agree when they were just chatting to be chat buddies it would have ben none of his business whether she was married, had a child, had a boyfriend, etc.

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Online talking doesn't give either party an imperative to air all of one's personal laundry.

 

He considered it dating. For that matter a lot of people do. We don't have to agree or understand it, but it's his experience that matters.

 

Whatever you call it, they spent months disclosing things about each other and by that, they determined the should meet. How do you date or talk for months and not mention a child or being a mother? It would take deliberate effort.

 

Had she mentioned the child up front it's questionable whether he would have continued to invest months into this. From what he shared, I am guessing not.

 

I know I'd be annoyed and turned off by it.

But that's me.

 

She told him she deliberately withheld the information about the child so it `wouldn't scare him away'

She never said she was trying to protect her family or not wanting to reveal personal laundry for personal reasons.

 

She basically admitted she was trying to control an outcome. That's manipulative.

And it changes everything in my book.

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Well, that's one way of looking at it.

 

Another way is to understand that she was probably right that he would have rejected her if he had known about the child up front. We see that even now he's questioning it; however, now there's a possibility that he may go ahead and meet her anyway as he feels he's fallen in love with her.

 

Manipulative? Maybe. But it's more like trying to hold on to something she wanted. We're all manipulative when it comes to something we really want.

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I'm sorry to hear this. How far is the distance between the both of you and why are you dating over long distance?

 

Is this someone you've known about for awhile through a friend of a friend situation?

 

If it's someone you've met while online dating, I'd think this is more of a silver lining than anything. Stick to local dating if you can. Whether this person has a child or not is not the only problem. How would you combine your lives eventually? Were you planning on moving out to her?

 

I'd take it all with a grain of salt. Don't force a square peg in a round hole. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Move on.

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Well, that's one way of looking at it.

 

Another way is to understand that she was probably right that he would have rejected her if he had known about the child up front. We see that even now he's questioning it; however, now there's a possibility that he may go ahead and meet her anyway as he feels he's fallen in love with her.

 

Manipulative? Maybe. But it's more like trying to hold on to something she wanted. We're all manipulative when it comes to something we really want.

 

Well no there's a spectrum of self-interested behavior and a range where it crosses the line into being manipulative such that it hurts another person. We're not all manipulative despite most people of course having a level of self-interest in what they do or do not do -a level. No matter how much I wanted a date with someone I would not allow myself to lie or manipulate to get that date - and that makes no sense anyway on a practical level because who's going to want to date a manipulator. On the other hand -sure if you define "manipulation" as dressing to the nines for a first date to accentuate positive attributes so that the person will be more inclined to feel an initial attraction -that's fine -and that's not hurting the other person - that's simply putting your best self forward knowing that people might react better to you or more favorably if you take pains with your appearance. Or making sure your resume -while 100% truthful -accentuates the positives and the strengths so that a person reading it might be more inclined to interview you or offer you a job.

 

That's "manipulation" but doesn't involve deceit. Deceit crosses the line. She deceived him because it's just common sense that whether or not you have a child is one of those biggies that affect whether someone sees potential with you for a romantic relationship. She knew that too because she hid that information for that reason. Just like I wasted my time calling men who then "confessed" that they lied about their ages on the dating profile. It was less than an hour of time wasted for the most part and it still annoyed me and was wrong of that person to manipulate me into calling thinking that he was the age he said he was and/or within the age range I had indicated.

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Honestly, you were chatting long distance for a few months.

 

I would decide if this is serious enough to want to meet, logistically reasonable (do one of you have family in the other's area) or are thinking about moving closer to her area even if she didn't exist just naturally? And do you want to date someone with a child?

 

If you were in person dating, i would end it if she was ditching the kid somewhere to go on dates every night. (but then again, there would be no way to hide it) But you are just chitchatting and who knows if she took it as more than chatting at first and just a nice escape = being able to chat with a dude with no strings attached. Does she know everything about your life?

 

to her, chatting was maybe a bit of a fantasy, and i bet the child was right there sleeping sometimes when she was chatting with you.

 

I think that if you enjoy chit chatting, then fine. If you are seriously thinking this is a relationship, then you need to decide if its one you can actually make happen or want to make happen.

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