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What should I do, if anything? I'm lost.


Rugger937
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Hello, so about four or so years ago I became friends with this girl I worked with. Her and I became close very quickly and started hanging out almost every day even after we both got different jobs and what not. I believe part of the reason we became so close was due to the fact that both of us have OCD/anxiety and depression and we always joke about it between ourselves as a way of coping and making light of our lives. It was only a matter of time before I started developing feelings for her. Her and I come from different backgrounds: I'm a short 5'4" white guy and she's 5'10" and mixed race and only older than me by 1 year. I eventually told her how I felt and that and why: she's extremely driven, personal trainer, former basketball player and now a part time coach. She said she thought about us but said we should remain friends because she thought she was back into girls again. I took this the wrong way and started drinking heavily (this was 3.5 years ago and I am currently sober for over a year this day) pushed her away. We eventually became friends again and started hanging out again and all was well until the feelings came back. Eventually she started seeing someone and I just stopped talking to her for a few months. Her and I started talking again and for whatever reasons her and I became best of friends again, hanging out all weekend, every weekend. We'd always eat out, get coffee, workout together, go to the gym and what not. She started telling me she wasn't sure if she was into men or women anymore and sue found both attractive. She said she wanted to someday have a baby but said she doubts anyone would ever want to be her. This hurt me because I was still crazy for her but didn't tell her for months. I eventually told her how I felt again and she said she just didn't get it and that she doesn't know why anyone would like her. This blew over and we were almost back to normal. In April 2019 she went to for BMT for The Air National Guard and we still talked when possible. She got back in October and we became close again, she couldn't wait to see me she said and we started hanging out again. I helped her move into her new apartment and we've had some deep conversations about life, death, how our OCD affects our lives and what not. She told me she needs me in her life and that I make her life better. This is all good and I'm grateful for her as a friend after all the we've been through and still hate myself for still having feelings for her. I have yet to tell her I still have feelings for her and don't think I should but I keep feeling like I should. I don't understand why I keep feeling like this for her but it hurts knowing she'll some day find that special significant other person and I'll not be that person I feel an urge to tell her I still have feelings for her.

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So in four years of knowing her, nothing has changed, as would be predicted, since past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You continue to tell her of your feelings and she continues to tell you no romance is happening. Of course she enjoys the friendship. Everyone loves a fan. But the friendship isn't working out for you.

 

What are you doing to treat your depression? If nothing, I would seek treatment, for your own good and to enable you to be a good partner to someone, someday.

 

Retaining the friendship will prevent you from the goal you seek--having a gf. A new woman will sense your feelings for the other lady run more deeply than a platonic friendship, (yes, women are very intuitive) and will head for the hills.

 

What would I do? I'd tell her you can no longer be friends because it's placed a barrier on your heart and prevents you from seeking dating opportunities. She will resist ending it because all her needs are met in the friendship, but if she really cared about you, she would let you go and understand.

 

When you're young like you are, extremely close male/female friendships are common. Most of the time, and especially when one feels romantic feelings, the friendship can't continue indefinitely. As you can predict, when one gets a serious partner, the friendship gets placed way back on the back burner or totally ends. It's an upsetting part of life, but reality none the less.

 

Best to rip the bandaid off now instead of putting your life on hold for a dead end and getting more and more invested.

 

If you don't have any guy friends or hobbies, I'd start expanding that part of your life so you always have a support system besides having a love interest. Take care.

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Thanks for your reply. I am currently taking zoloft (200mg daily) for my depression and OCD/depression. I know for a fact that the situation with her is NOT the cause of my anxiety/depression but it definitely can interfere with mood. When she was gone for a few months I was still having my "episodes" as I call them when I feel completely empty and see no point in continuing my meaningless existence but these come and go. I have NO intentions to harm myself or others but just feel like my life is a waste. I DO have a few friends but for whatever reason I never feel like hanging out or even contacting them anymore. Maybe I'm just a loner or feel I'm a burden to others?

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People who are depressed do often feel like isolating themselves. I know because my ex-husband isolated himself at the worst point of his depression. You should talk to your psychiatrist. Maybe the Zoloft isn't working for you well enough, or maybe you need talk therapy if you're not receiving that. A professional will hopefully get you feeling better than you do now. Good luck.

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I don't understand why I keep feeling like this for her but it hurts knowing she'll some day find that special significant other person and I'll not be that person I feel an urge to tell her I still have feelings for her.

 

Unrequited love. I don't think anyone truly understands it, but it's a thing. Other people have been in your shoes. Lots of creative energy has been spent on the subject. You can move past it if you want. But it takes time.

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Unrequited love. I don't think anyone truly understands it, but it's a thing. Other people have been in your shoes. Lots of creative energy has been spent on the subject. You can move past it if you want. But it takes time.

 

This, definitely this. If you were to spend time doing deep introspection, learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable feelings, focused on exploring your internal world, you would probably eventually uncover the reason you don't want to let go of the fantasy of being with her. Many people never do that work and end up pining away over this kind of fantasy for a lifetime when if they would just let it go, so many doors and new possibilities would open up to them.

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Those of us who have been in similar circumstances can report that if you ever reach a point where you choose to let go, a powerful sense of freedom can accompany that decision. The liberty and opening up to life only grow as you act on that decision and navigate the feelings that come along with outgrowing former situations which used to serve us well...

 

And guess what, if you want to carry on as you have been that’s absolutely a valid choice as well. No guilt and no shame in following your True heart, whatever it is telling you.

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Thank you all for your help. I suppose you're all right in the sense I should forget about her. I do know however that the chances of me finding another woman who would want to be with me are low. I'm a short, skinny.. (5'4" and barely 110lbs) with serious psychological issues. I work out about 4-5 days a week as this helps with my mood and clears my mind. I do live alone, have a fulltime job, a car but that's about it. I rarely have people over because people are messy (only my dad and this girl ever come over). I spend a lot of time cleaning my apartment because it has to be clean to my liking. I haven't cooked at home in over a year because it'll create a mess. Everyone calls me a "clean freak" but that's whatever. I grew up with an alcoholic mother who would just soil herself in her chair because she was so intoxicated she couldn't be bothered to get up and use the bathroom. Maybe this is why I'm obsessed with cleaning? I have two older sister's (37 and 30) whom I love but feel inadequate to because they're both college graduates (one is a nurse and the other is a social worker) and I couldn't even finish my associate's degree at a community college. I know I'm a disappointment to them and my father despite them telling me I'm not and that they love me no matter what. I feel I really love this girl but I think it would be best if I don't tell her my feelings and just start ignoring her altogether from now on. She claims I'm important to her and that I've saved her for spending Christmas Eve with her, and what not but I don't believe this. She says she needs me but she's always going out with other friends and appears to be having fun (I see her Instagram feed and she's drinking and what not despite telling me she hates drinking). I think it's best for both of us if I just disappear from her life altogether.

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You’re a well spoken and intelligent person. I’m sorry your self-esteem is low, because you seem like an altogether cool guy who is seemingly self supporting. You’ve got a family who loves you. You are handsome in your profile pic here. I hope you don’t indulge too much in a victim mentality... We all throw an occasional pity party but you definitely don’t have to “live there.”

 

I do appreciate the fact that you live with OCD, but if you want to meet a woman there is nothing stopping you except for negative self talk, imo.

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This girl hangs out with you in between her social life.

You are not a priority to her.

Why have you made her a priority?

 

You need to drop her self centred self.

She won’t really even notice.

Sorry!!

 

You need to start hanging out with people who don’t have ocd to create normal perspective.

Start planning things with family and actual real friends , rather than being a hermit and only coming out of your shell for a fake?

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I don't think she's entirely fake but I see what you're saying.she never invites me to hang out with her friends so I get the feeling she's embarrassed about having me as a friend. That or she's just hooking up with her friends. I do have other friends and see my family regularly, plus I still go out and do things around people (shopping, eating out, working out, etc..) even if I may do them alone, I'm still talking to people and what not. I lost most of my " friends" when I stopped drinking and going to bars because there's literally all there is to do where I live. Even the friends I do still drink a lot but no better than to invite me to bars and what not. I think I'm going to just ignore her from now on. If I'm really important to me, she'll notice. Maybe she's embarrassed because I'm white and most of her friends are Hispanic or African American (even though she jokingly said she doesn't consider me white because I'm into soccer, hockey and rugby and always "look European"). She claims "God made her gay" but she'll talk about how some famous men are "sexy" and how she wants to naturally have children some day despite being "gay". She's done a lot of things for me, like taking me out on my birthday last year, buying me dinner, a cheesecake and a Maple Leafs hat. I noticed however that the week before she moved into her new apartment we didn't communicate at all but the day of she called and asks if I could help her. She thanked me multiple times and said she couldn't do it without me despite being taller, and stronger than me and also having other friends.

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You are in the friend's zone. This means she is not interested in you romantically, and probably never will be.

 

What you don't understand is, you love her but her feelings are not yours. You are projecting your feelings, misinterpreting them for hers.

 

No problem - just date other girls. Find a woman who likes you first and a lot and you'll have less problems with your love life.

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Ah, the friend zone.

 

An unfortunate place where you are used for companionship and emotional support, by someone who - in this case - has told you more than once she is not interested in a romantic relationship.

 

I imagine its not all one way though, and she has also given you some support over the years.

 

Eventually she started seeing someone and I just stopped talking to her for a few months. Her and I started talking again and for whatever reasons her and I became best of friends again

 

Did she get in touch after her relationship ended?

 

Basically, she seems to always have been honest with you. She may have dressed it up by saying that she doesn't think anyone would want her, but that really = not interested in you in the romantic sense.

 

You can go two ways here - if you value your small f friendship with her so much that you don't mind treading water, maintain it. Maybe if you meet another lady, they'll want you to end it then.

 

The other way is to nicely tell her that you need to move on, because she doesn't share your feelings, and cut contact. You were never in a relationship with her, so the odd happy birthday or Xmas email is probably OK. But if you are spending all your time hanging out with her, you are missing out on life's other possibilities.

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True. I know I probably seem like a jealous narcissist but I do feel like she's somewhat using me: could of had anyone help her move (always talks about her dad and I feel that's a father's job), wanted my help unpacking her boxes and helping stuff up even though she only jokingly asked and told me I didn't have to but I felt I'm be a jerk if I didn't help her. Think it's better I just love her from a distance now and cut off all communication with her and wish her well.

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She sounds insecure and depressed (deeply depressed), not sure of her identity or sexuality and insecure mostly about her self-worth. I'm sorry but the feeling I'm getting from your description of her is spastic or someone who twitches easily and can't keep still because her mind is not at rest. If it's OCD, I have very little firsthand experience with it. This is not meant to offend you. I cannot imagine what you or her are dealing with. I agree with anyone else who's already said that you really need to get out of this loop of OCD-ness. I think the loop is feeding itself the more you keep associating with her. Keep working with your psychiatrist, don't respond to her twitching or whatever rollercoaster she's on. Work on you, meet new people and enjoy your life. You've only got one so make it count.

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Thank you all for your input. I do have some friends but I'm hesitant to hang out them because when I do they always say I'm "too loud" or call me an idiot jokingly want to always go to bars and what not. I understand I'm not the easiest person to deal with as my moods/emotions can fluctuate pretty rapidly and I'll sometimes say the most random, sometimes inappropriate things/jokes but that's who I am and feel true friends will understand and not call me a "tweak" or "idiot". I'm honestly thinking I should honestly move to a completely new city, meet new people and start new. My job allows for internal transfers to other facilities in other cities. As much as I love this girl, I'm starting to truly realize it's toxic for me to be around her and doubt she will even notice or give a if I disappeared. I think she was just using me for emotional support and she probably knows I still love her so she keeps me around to boost her ego and as someone else said "have a fan".

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No, we've never slept together. We haven't spoken or hung out since Sunday and I saw her Instagram story so she's doing absolutely fine without me in her life altogether so I'm probably going to just unfollow her on Instagram (only social media I have) and delete her number.

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I thought I'd give you guys an update. She texted me Sunday night staying she had a slice of cheesecake with my name it and that I should come over after I had dinner with my sister, brother-in-law and neices. She fell asleep before so I didn't make it over. I had a HORRIBLE day on Wednesday and felt like telling her I was sorry for everything I'd done to and said to her (pushing her away and telling her I didn't want her in my life when she said we could just be friends because she was "gay") and that she has much better friends than myself and she told me she I'm crazy for thinking like that and that she has some friends but they're not me and never will be me and that she needs me in her life, I make her life better and there's nothing I could ever say to her that would make her not want me in her life. She then asked me what I want to do for my birthday (tomorrow) and that she wants to take me out and we can go anywhere I want. I'm honestly feeling more depressed than ever and my OCD is a major factor in this. Despite my OCD and my depression I still believe I love her but I'm afraid to tell her because of what's happened in the past and I'm afraid to lose her. I'm afraid if I don't tell her and she finds someone else further down the line, has children with said person, etc... I'll never forgive myself for not telling her how I still feel.

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I thought I'd give you guys an update. She texted me Sunday night staying she had a slice of cheesecake with my name it and that I should come over after I had dinner with my sister, brother-in-law and neices. She fell asleep before so I didn't make it over. I had a HORRIBLE day on Wednesday and felt like telling her I was sorry for everything I'd done to and said to her (pushing her away and telling her I didn't want her in my life when she said we could just be friends because she was "gay") and that she has much better friends than myself and she told me she I'm crazy for thinking like that and that she has some friends but they're not me and never will be me and that she needs me in her life, I make her life better and there's nothing I could ever say to her that would make her not want me in her life. She then asked me what I want to do for my birthday (tomorrow) and that she wants to take me out and we can go anywhere I want. I'm honestly feeling more depressed than ever and my OCD is a major factor in this. Despite my OCD and my depression I still believe I love her but I'm afraid to tell her because of what's happened in the past and I'm afraid to lose her. I'm afraid if I don't tell her and she finds someone else further down the line, has children with said person, etc... I'll never forgive myself for not telling her how I still feel.

 

I had a friend like you once. Not exactly like you, but similar.

 

His name was Trevor. We met when I was 18 and he was 25. I don't know if he was OCD, but he had a debilitating mental issue--perhaps an extreme form of social anxiety--that left him almost completely unable to cope with any social situation. He hardly spoke to or even looked at anyone, not even his own family. The situation was so extreme that he rarely left his house and was unemployed for most of the 10 years that I knew him.

 

When he did leave his house, he made people very uncomfortable with his awkward, seemingly hostile behavior. When he first met my mom, he barely said "Hi" and didn't make eye contact at all. She thought he was a serial killer. Her boyfriend at the time jokingly referred to him as the Unibomber. Most people felt this way about him. I will say that Trevor did eventually warm up to my mom, and my mom ended up liking him. But it literally took years.

 

The only reason Trevor made any effort with me was because 1) I was young and pretty and 2) I could draw like hell and so could he. He was really a phenomenal artist.

 

I met him through some friends of mine, three brothers. He was actually their uncle, even though he was just a few years older than the oldest of the brothers. I had heard about Trevor for years from the middle brother, who was also a good artist. Whenever I'd show him a new drawing, he'd say, "You gotta meet my Uncle Trevor."

 

It took four years before I actually met the guy. And he turned out to be this oddball recluse. I was surprised at how deeply troubled he was, but I wasn't at all put off by it. In fact, I related to it to some degree and felt it was just a small obstacle that could be easily overcome. I could tell immediately that he was a kind person, and that he probably had some interesting perspectives.

 

The night we met was the night before I left for my freshman year in college. But we kept in touch with phone calls and even letters (this was 1995 and email wasn't what it is today). I found him to be extremely interesting, intelligent, and fun to talk to (as long as there was no one else around. As soon as another person showed up, the wall of silence went up and I was ostracized just like everyone else).

 

When I visited home for my breaks, I made time to see him and hang out. To be honest, I knew that he liked me from the day I met him. And I found him attractive, too. But there were also things about him that I didn't find attractive, like his inability to socialize, his lack of motivation, and his inability to become financially independent from his family.

 

Nonetheless, I did develop a crush on him about 18 months into our friendship. And we had a relationship that lasted about 3 months. But it just didn't work for me and I cut it off. He wanted to get back together and I did not. I broke off contact until I felt certain he would stop trying to rekindle our relationship. Then I slowly started talking to him again. You see, I did still really like him--but I valued him as a person, not as a love interest. I was pretty clear about that.

 

I continued to make time to see him during my breaks from school. After I graduated, I spent most weekend-days palling around with him, watching movies, trolling the flea markets, going on drives. I really loved spending time with the guy. I just couldn't integrate him into my life or into my other friendships because he seemed to ooze hostility towards all but probably three people on the earth.

 

One day, maybe seven or eight years into our friendship, I was standing on his porch smoking a cigarette. He leaned out of the door and handed me a tiny, folded up square of paper. I knew what was in there before I even opened it. Inside, he'd printed the words, "I love you."

 

I said, "I know," and I folded it up and handed it back to him very intentionally.

 

Of course I knew. He knew I knew.

 

I guess I'm telling you this because I think he probably felt the same way that you did: that he would never forgive himself if he didn't tell me how he felt. And maybe telling me made him feel better--I'd be glad if it did. But I want you to know that it didn't change anything about the way that I felt about him.

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Thank you for the reply and the anecdote. This does sound similar to my situation but she's actually older than me by a little more than a year. I DO have a fulltime job and wouldn't consider myself at all to be hostile or antisocial. Her and I do have our rituals though; we'll get coffee, get food, check out different stores for workout clothing/shoes and just drive around and talk for hours. I do believe I love her as she was gone for six months and we only spoke a handful of times whilst she was gone yet I still thought about her. Nowadays I find myself thinking of her constantly and it's hurting me because I know I'll never be more than her "bestfriend who saved me from killing myself". I'm truly an for feeling this way about her but I can't control it. It's not that I'm simply trying to just sleep with her, but I want to be able to take her out on dates, and just do romantic stuff with her. Sure I find her physically attractive but her personality really gets me. Her dark and sarcastic sense of humor. The fact that she is so driven, caring and strong. I'm probably just a jealous narcissist.

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I'll never forgive myself for not telling her how I still feel.

 

I'd have to go back and reread everything, but how many times have you two been through this cycle?

 

She has made it clear that she values your friendship and wants you in her life. . as a friend only. You agree and agree that her friendship is what you want and it's valuable to you too.

 

But secretly it's not just what you want. You agree to the terms and go into hoping to change it. But the change never comes. The tension builds, the impasse happens and you split apart over your differences.

 

Just to do it all over again and again.

 

Here you are at the first step of the same dance, again. She reaches out for your friendship and you want to tell her you love her?

 

At what point do you acknowledge that reality of this?

I am not trying to be cruel. I just don't understand why you keep hurting yourself over this.

 

It's a lesson you should have learned the first time. Now it's the fourth or fifth and you still have regrets for not telling her how you feel?

She knows. Trust me.

 

You either accept her friendship or recognize that it's not something you can handle. And that's o.k.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I suppose you're right. I should just confront her and tell her I can't just be friends with her anymore. I feel that's what should be done. I'm a paranoid and narcissist. This said, I still feel used. She could of had anyone (especially her father) help her move but she asked me because I'm the "easy" friend. I'm an idiot for not realizing she clearly knows how I still feel for her and she's using that to her advantage.

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I suppose you're right. I should just confront her and tell her I can't just be friends with her anymore. I feel that's what should be done. I'm a paranoid and narcissist. This said, I still feel used. She could of had anyone (especially her father) help her move but she asked me because I'm the "easy" friend. I'm an idiot for not realizing she clearly knows how I still feel for her and she's using that to her advantage.

 

It doesn't have to be confrontational and dramatic.

 

Low key and matter-of fact would be better.

 

"I am sorry, but this friendship isn't working for me. You already know I have some feelings for you. You have told me before, you do not feel the same. I need to move on from this."

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think I'm going to confront her either today or tomorrow. I'm tired of being someone she hangs out with only as a last resort because her other friends are busy or unavailable. As much as I'm love her and enjoy spending time with her it's killing me because I know I'll never be good enough for her. She'll always ask me questions like "would you ever nut in a girl?" or "would you ever have a threesome with two lesbians?" and talk about her sexual past and what not. I'm not simply trying to get into her pants.. I'm seeking a relationship I guess. Waking up next to someone, traveling together, etc... my attraction to her isn't just physical. Yes, she's a gorgeous woman in my eyes but she's more than that. Her dark, sarcastic sense of humor. The way she'll make rude remarks and then laugh and pretend she didn't say anything. The fact she's always busy, driven and keeps going. I'm not sure about a lot of things in life but I'm positive about my feelings for her and I'm tired of just being her "safe friend" and hearing her say how important I am to her but she always "If only God created a perfect person just for me" or how "no one would ever put up with me and my craziness".

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