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Hey, so I am looking for some advice about my current situation. So, I have been friends with this guy for about 5 years and have been really talking to him for a few months. I used to see him almost daily because we were next door neighbors, but since we've moved about 10 minutes away from each and I'm currently without a vehicle, we only hang out once a week. Usually he takes me out to get food and then we go to the bar to meet up with other friends of ours. Afterwards we go back to his place we talk, watch a movie, and then have sex. Now I've been sleeping with him over a year(he actually took my virginity) and each time we hangout is nice. Since I've known him, he has always had a hard time opening up, because of his childhood and I don't think he trusts many people, but I've noticed him open up more to me about his issues and what he feels. He is super charming, smart, and kind, but this is new to me. In my 24 years of life I have only had one boyfriend, because I decided I want to have more confidence in myself before I enter a relationship. I do feel weird though, because I'm starting to develop feelings for him, but have a hard time saying it. Whenever we go out, he has said I was "his girl" to a few friends, but I also notice this one girl at the bar every once in a while, who flirts with him and all his friends and it really bothers me. I have seen him around her too, so it makes me wonder if he is into her or if they are sexual as well. The other issue is that he has never asked me if I wanted more or not. Is it weird to ask someone if they are seeing someone else or being sexual active with others and if not, how should approach it? I just don't want to waste anymore time doing the same routine if he only sees me as a friend's with benefits, because I personally want more. I don't mind us taking time to grow into a relationship, but I would prefer if I was the only one he was seeing, bc I am not seeing anyone else. My other concern is that we are friends and have been for years and maybe I shouldn't have made this mistake, but I don't want to lose him. What would your advice be and how would you handle this situation? I thank everyone in advance :)

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It sounds like a casual deal. I'd go out for dinner and drinks and then go home. Don't bother hanging out afterwards and staying out late and stop having sex with him. Mention somewhere inbetween you're looking for something more serious in a relationship sense and aren't interested in fwb. I wouldn't make it sound like it's him or nothing. Talk about you. Don't grill him or interrogate him on whether he wants to be with you. You should be able to pick up his vibes and what he's thinking just from his expression, body language and any hesitations without him even having to say a word.

 

Your part about not wanting to lose him isn't being very fair to yourself. Maybe this is a guy that's meant to get lost and he's not that great in the first place as a boyfriend. Be street smart and don't let people use you or treat you badly especially if you don't have mutual interests or a shared outlook on where things are going.

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Unless he has expressed the intention of dating you or being in a relationship with you, assume that you are friends with benefits. If that is not what you wanted, stop having sex with him. If you were okay with the fwb arrangement in the beginning but started to want more, this is a good time to talk about it and see where he stands. Of course he may not feel the same, but at least you will know and can stop wasting time on him. Regarding losing the friend...that's a risk you were already willingly taking by having sex with him.

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I'd only have that conversation in person. You'll lose a lot of firsthand info not doing it in person. Wouldn't you rather see for yourself where his eyes look and what his face looks like or how he forms his answers mid-conversation when you're in person while you're talking about something like that? Don't be afraid. Use your gut instincts. Then go home think it over for a couple of days, see how things go. There are some people who will say whatever they need to say to get you in the sack on any given day (or night). If you want quality time and more commitment with someone special don't do things outside your boundaries. If you want sex with him in a relationship, then only have sex with him if you're both in a relationship together. If that can't happen, move on. Keep things simple.

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I think you'll be okay if you just stick to your beliefs and what feels right for you. Maybe going out for drinks after feels ok but going back to his place is a bit awkward. Or maybe just going for drinks is ok but going to dinner is awkward too especially if he pays as if you're in a relationship or dating. If you're not sure just go halfers for dinner or if he pays all the time, pay for both your dinners and throw him off. I liked doing that while dating. Do whatever you like - just do it within your boundaries and don't let anyone take advantage of you.

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I don’t get it Sorry!!

You have known him 5 years, really talking to him for a few months (not sure what that means) and been having sex for a year.

So for quite a few months you have been having sex with him without really talking?

Can you please explain what all that means?

 

I don’t really buy the whole “this is new to me”?

You have been having sex with him for a year. Nothing new about it.

 

Ok, so important question. Are you using condoms? Are you having oral sex without barrier protection?

If you are not using protection for either then yes it’s an absolute must that you discuss if he is having sex with another.

 

However, I’m not entirely sure that your reasoning for questioning is about sexual health, it seems more about jealousy?

 

So, I wouldn’t initiate a discussion with , are you sleeping with others? I would suggest you be honest that you have developed feelings for him , you are not seeing anyone else and would like to keep it that way and does he feel the same way about you?

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At some point, even after sleeping with him a year, or being his friend for five, you need to stop playing the passive role and do something about it.

 

How long are you prepared to keep sleeping with him before you, and by you, I mean you, push for what you do want?

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If he was really into you, after a year's time, and actually far sooner, like at the four month mark, he couldn't have beared the thought of you with another man and would've asked you to be exclusive. Therefore, I wouldn't even ask now if he wants to try that. I'd make myself free and clear of him and find a guy who was crazy about me.

 

Retaining him as a lifetime friend became impossible the moment you slept with him. Because when you start dating a new guy, he will run away far and fast when he finds out you're buddies with a guy you slept with weekly for a solid year.

 

There are plenty of guys your age you can have chemistry with. That's the easy part. The more difficult part is to ALSO find one who has the same dating goals, shares your ethics, and meets all of your major needs. It'll save you a lot of wasted time if you start cutting off the ones who are incompatible with you as soon as you see this. It's like sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

 

A brand new year is around the corner. Time for you to throw out the old, useless junk and look forward to new beginnings.

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The other issue is that he has never asked me if I wanted more or not. Is it weird to ask someone if they are seeing someone else or being sexual active with others and if not, how should approach it? I just don't want to waste anymore time doing the same routine if he only sees me as a friend's with benefits, because I personally want more

 

The part in bold is the truth of the matter and what you need to pay attention to vs. the thoughts and perceptions you are putting on the situation.

 

He has't asked you for more because he doesn't want more from you... he is happy with being your FWB.

 

If you ask him if he is seeing other people, my guess is that he will either hide the truth from you or tell you the truth and you will end up disappointed. Either way IMO it's generally best to be grounded in reality when it comes to relationships so I suggest mentally preparing yourself to have that conversation.

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Well, I would say that this guy does just want to be FWB. And the reason why he has never asked you after a year if you want more is because HE doesn't want more. Otherwise I'm sure he would have said something.

 

I think that some people do want the whole "friend" aspect of friends with benefits. I'm like that too. I don't mind having a friend with benefits but I don't really like the idea of someone just coming over, having sex, then leaving straight away. I want to actually get along with that person and hang out as well. Like to feel comfortable with them and not feel "used".

 

I had an FWB for 2.5 years that I find very attractive and enjoyed having sex. We would hang out often and just do normal things like get food, movies, go for a walk, go for a drive. Actually he is still my good friend and as a friend and physically I always liked him. But I never felt romantic love for him and don't see a compatibility as a couple. Does that make sense? I think this guy probably feels the same way about you. He obviously finds you attractive and likes you, in the sense that he likes you as a person. That doesn't mean he has strong feelings for you and wants to be in an actual relationship.

 

I think if you really want to know if there is any chance of a relationship, you should just ask him. Also yes I think it's fine to ask an FWB if they are sleeping with other people for safety reasons. It's not invasive or anything because you deserve to know for the purpose of using protection and being mindful of safe sex.

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Oh heavens.

 

In your naivety & fear you have gone about this all wrong if you want a relationship.

 

Since this was based in friendship, you have to find someway to talk to him about what you want & how your feelings have changed. He's not going to start this conversation because he likes what is going on now. He has never been forced to make a commitment. You give him easy sex with no strings. Why would he want to change that? It requires no effort on his part.

 

So if you want things to change you have to change them. Some men can't go from the FWB thing you have going on to a relationship because they have no respect for women who sleep with them without commitment. I'm not getting that vibe from your story but I also don't have a great deal of faith in your skills to accurately perceive what is going on. The other girl at the bar may be your competition but she also may just be a blip increased in importance by your fears alone.

 

So are you willing to walk away & stop fooling around with this guy if he doesn't want a commitment? If so, speak up. Draw your lines in the sand. Tell him you want to be official. If he says yes, great! If he says no, you kind of have to walk away. If you don't, he will lose all respect for you & conclude that you don't have enough self respect or self confidence to stick up for yourself. Eventually you will find yourself on the outside when he finds the girl he thinks is worthy of being his GF.

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