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Hi all! Me again. I'd like to ask what I should do in this particular situation. I feel silly asking this but I've gotten such sound advice from people on this forum that I'd appreciate your thoughts.

 

Background: While working at a large brokerage firm and starting my MBA at night, a really wonderful guy at the firm decided to help me with my studies on our lunch break. We knew each other before I started the MBA and were both single. Now, this was 30 years ago!

 

I came across his name recently while looking for something. I looked him up and found where he works/worked (he must be retired by now), called him, and left a message. I also found him on Facebook and left a PM on his page (he's rarely on Facebook). He answered my PM on Facebook after a few days saying that he got so excited hearing from me that he inadvertently erased my message, thereby losing my phone number, and asked if I would send it to him. Then, he said he'd call me that weekend. He was so polite and warm. I, too, was thrilled that he answered. At this point, let me sat that I am not looking to start a relationship with him. Just to reconnect as a friend. Oh, and we live about 5 hrs away from each other. Heck, I don't know if he's married, or has kids, or a gf, etc.

 

I gave him my number and said I was looking forward to hearing from him. He never called. I'm embarrassed to say that I was so disappointed. At this point, let me say that I am not looking to start a relationship with him. Just to reconnect as a friend because I always like him, and vice versa. Oh, and we live about 5 hrs away from each other. Heck, I don't know if he's married, or has kids, or a gf, etc.

 

A couple of days after, I receive another PM from him again saying that he started a game with me (Quiz Planet). I didn't answer, unfortunately. Two days after, same message about the game. I responded, saying that "I don't enjoy games like this and that I suck at them. Thank you for understanding." He responded with "OK. No problem." I responded with "I'm still waiting for your call." That was November 16. Should I reach out to him? Or, should I wait for him to contact me, if ever??? What happened? Why do people say they'll call and then don't?

 

Any advice or suggestions would be so appreciated. Thank you!

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I'm thinking that you'll be really, really lucky if he doesn't call or contact you again.

 

If his idea of catching up with an old friend is sending a game invitation, do you really think you'll have much in common with him?

 

Don't reach out to him. People often say they'll do something and then they don't. What's the point anyway? As you said, you're five hours away.

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Nice to reconnect. Just lay back and see how this unfolds. Oh heck...just start playing that game. He may not quite know what to make of your contact, so just ease into things.

I also found him on Facebook and left a PM on his page (he's rarely on Facebook). I receive another PM from him again saying that he started a game with me (Quiz Planet). Why do people say they'll call and then don't?

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You were very brave and your intentions were in a good place. It does seem you have an expectation here that is tripping you up, however. If you didn't, you would have just shrug off how this is playing out and written him off by now.

 

You've called him, searched him out on social media, left a pm there.

He in turn said he'd call, didn't and in exchange offered up a game.

You reminded him of the phone call and now he's gone radio silence.

 

goddess, you are a smart lady. You know the answer to this is to take a step back and leave it alone.

 

give yourself credit for trying and acknowledge when it's time to let it go. One more move on your part will be one move too many.

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Ah come on now. You wouldn't be twisted into such a knot if you weren't expecting something. Calling him, leaving a message, and following up on FB and again asking him to call you.......you are indeed a smart lady and smart enough to be more honest with yourself. You were hoping this will start up something and that's OK, it's human, so OWN IT. Seriously, just own it.

 

Above aside, I do think that you put him on the spot quite a bit and quite suddenly and I don't think he knows quite what to think about it or what to do. So he chose a slower route. Invite you to play a game, aka chat a little, get to know each other again, see where you both are at, including whether or not you are in a relationship respectively so.

 

So, if you really want to, accept the invite and play the silly game and see what happens. Chat. Find out if he is single. Above all else, never ever lie to yourself about what you really want. Nobody chases "just friendship" quite like that and you know this.

 

Then again....maybe take a step back and think on this. You are a bold, brave, clear person. You don't hold back or play coy. What he is doing is playing coy. Is that a good sign? Probably not, at least not for you. In other words, people change over time and it's also possible that you never really noticed that he might be a bit different from what you thought back then, as in not quite as great as all that.

 

Take him at face value today and ask yourself if that's really the kind of a person you want in your life today given how he is behaving today.

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I've learned that it can be fun to go down memory lane with someone you knew long ago, but with long distance, after the rehashing of good memories, the "friendship" peters out.

 

People have limited time in their lives for leisure time, and that time is normally devoted to friends they can regularly get together with in person.

 

Perhaps he's married and told his wife he'd be calling you and she said, "no way." But then he thought a game would be safe and wanted to keep a little spark in his life of having a minor connection with you. Just a guess, but all you need to know is his lack of effort in a conversation means he has no interest in a genuine reconnection.

 

We often look to our past when not happy in the present. Try to fulfill whatever needs you have locally for better results.

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Ah come on now. You wouldn't be twisted into such a knot if you weren't expecting something. Calling him, leaving a message, and following up on FB and again asking him to call you.......you are indeed a smart lady and smart enough to be more honest with yourself. You were hoping this will start up something and that's OK, it's human, so OWN IT. Seriously, just own it.

 

Above aside, I do think that you put him on the spot quite a bit and quite suddenly and I don't think he knows quite what to think about it or what to do. So he chose a slower route. Invite you to play a game, aka chat a little, get to know each other again, see where you both are at, including whether or not you are in a relationship respectively so.

 

So, if you really want to, accept the invite and play the silly game and see what happens. Chat. Find out if he is single. Above all else, never ever lie to yourself about what you really want. Nobody chases "just friendship" quite like that and you know this.

 

Then again....maybe take a step back and think on this. You are a bold, brave, clear person. You don't hold back or play coy. What he is doing is playing coy. Is that a good sign? Probably not, at least not for you. In other words, people change over time and it's also possible that you never really noticed that he might be a bit different from what you thought back then, as in not quite as great as all that.

 

Take him at face value today and ask yourself if that's really the kind of a person you want in your life today given how he is behaving today.

 

I hoped, not expected. The real reason that I wanted to reconnect is because I literally have no friends these days and I thought it might be nice to talk. Kind of pathetic but true. As you may recall, all our mutual friends turned their backs to me since my recent divorce. The only friends I have are two gay guys who are married to each other. They are amazing people but we hardly ever talk now. I did reach out to 3 people (again, mutual friends) whom I valued but it's clear that I've been rejected. It seems that no one wants to bother with me. Lesson learned. And, I'm not ready to go out there and join groups to make new friends. Did that once and I realised I'm not ready. I still have a long time to go before I'm healed. I'm very much alone which, for the most part, I'm fine with it but it does get lonely at times. A nice little chat would have been uplifting, I suppose.

 

Trust me, DancingFool, I'm not being coy by any stretch of the imagination. But, like you said, he might be. Getting into a relationship is not even under my radar so that's not my goal here. Plain and simple, I just wanted to open the channels of communication. Period. But, you are right about his behaviour. And, I guess I did put him on the spot. I'll just lay back and see what happens.

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I'm thinking that you'll be really, really lucky if he doesn't call or contact you again.

 

If his idea of catching up with an old friend is sending a game invitation, do you really think you'll have much in common with him?

 

Don't reach out to him. People often say they'll do something and then they don't. What's the point anyway? As you said, you're five hours away.

 

Yes, Sarah, that's exactly why I said that I was disappointed at his response. I'm not interested in a game. Guess after all these years we might not have anything in common. Oh well. And, no, I won't reach out to him anymore.

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I've learned that it can be fun to go down memory lane with someone you knew long ago, but with long distance, after the rehashing of good memories, the "friendship" peters out.

 

People have limited time in their lives for leisure time, and that time is normally devoted to friends they can regularly get together with in person.

 

Perhaps he's married and told his wife he'd be calling you and she said, "no way." But then he thought a game would be safe and wanted to keep a little spark in his life of having a minor connection with you. Just a guess, but all you need to know is his lack of effort in a conversation means he has no interest in a genuine reconnection.

 

We often look to our past when not happy in the present. Try to fulfill whatever needs you have locally for better results.

 

I was hoping to find out what happened to him after all these years. I was curious at to whether he was married, has kids, retired, etc. Just something benign. No expectations, just a nice friendly chat. You're right about this: "We often look to our past when not happy in the present." I'm pretty happy, truly, but I just thought it would be nice to chat since all our mutual friends have turned their back to me since my recent divorce. I'll join groups etc when I'm ready.

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Nice to reconnect. Just lay back and see how this unfolds. Oh heck...just start playing that game. He may not quite know what to make of your contact, so just ease into things.

 

Thanks, Wiseman, but I truly don't like those games (probably because I really do suck at them - LOL). Thinking about it now, contacting him was a bad idea.

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You were very brave and your intentions were in a good place. It does seem you have an expectation here that is tripping you up, however. If you didn't, you would have just shrug off how this is playing out and written him off by now.

 

You've called him, searched him out on social media, left a pm there.

He in turn said he'd call, didn't and in exchange offered up a game.

You reminded him of the phone call and now he's gone radio silence.

 

goddess, you are a smart lady. You know the answer to this is to take a step back and leave it alone.

 

give yourself credit for trying and acknowledge when it's time to let it go. One more move on your part will be one move too many.

 

Yes, I did my part, it didn't work, so I'm done with him now.

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I hoped, not expected. The real reason that I wanted to reconnect is because I literally have no friends these days and I thought it might be nice to talk. Kind of pathetic but true. As you may recall, all our mutual friends turned their backs to me since my recent divorce. The only friends I have are two gay guys who are married to each other. They are amazing people but we hardly ever talk now. I did reach out to 3 people (again, mutual friends) whom I valued but it's clear that I've been rejected. It seems that no one wants to bother with me. Lesson learned. And, I'm not ready to go out there and join groups to make new friends. Did that once and I realised I'm not ready. I still have a long time to go before I'm healed. I'm very much alone which, for the most part, I'm fine with it but it does get lonely at times. A nice little chat would have been uplifting, I suppose.

 

Trust me, DancingFool, I'm not being coy by any stretch of the imagination. But, like you said, he might be. Getting into a relationship is not even under my radar so that's not my goal here. Plain and simple, I just wanted to open the channels of communication. Period. But, you are right about his behaviour. And, I guess I did put him on the spot. I'll just lay back and see what happens.

 

OK, fair enough, but you clearly are craving friendship and human contact. So yes, you are ready to join some groups, some hobbies, something to not only occupy your time, but create opportunities for you to start developing new friends. Just friends. Going back into your past isn't going to work. The way forward is...well.....forward. Developing new friendships does take time and patience and not every group will work out for you. A lot of it is making yourself do it even when you don't feel like it. Just go and see who you meet and click with....and expect that a lot of the time you won't.....but a new connection here, another one there and.....you have a new life and it's starting to feel a little bit better.....

 

Personally, I've found it easiest to make friends with outdoorsy people - hiking, kayaking, tennis, any kind of sports really. Granted, I'm outdoorsy, so I connect with that easier. You need to find you. Maybe it's hiking, maybe it's volunteering, but....get out there. Yes, you are ready. You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

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Personally, I've found it easiest to make friends with outdoorsy people - hiking, kayaking, tennis, any kind of sports really. Granted, I'm outdoorsy, so I connect with that easier. You need to find you. Maybe it's hiking, maybe it's volunteering, but....get out there. Yes, you are ready. You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

 

This is great advise. If you aren't feeling really confident to do so, consider that when engaging in activities like this you are doing things along side of or parallel each other. It's connecting with others in a baby step sorta way.

 

I think you went backwards because you thought it safer that way than to risk moving forward.

 

I love the analogy of a squirrel trying to cross the road. It's actually true if you watch it. They will get 3/4 of the way across and if they see a car, they run back to where they came from. Even if it's at it's own peril. Because it's all it knows. The other side is unknown.

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OK, fair enough, but you clearly are craving friendship and human contact. So yes, you are ready to join some groups, some hobbies, something to not only occupy your time, but create opportunities for you to start developing new friends. Just friends. Going back into your past isn't going to work. The way forward is...well.....forward. Developing new friendships does take time and patience and not every group will work out for you. A lot of it is making yourself do it even when you don't feel like it. Just go and see who you meet and click with....and expect that a lot of the time you won't.....but a new connection here, another one there and.....you have a new life and it's starting to feel a little bit better.....

 

Personally, I've found it easiest to make friends with outdoorsy people - hiking, kayaking, tennis, any kind of sports really. Granted, I'm outdoorsy, so I connect with that easier. You need to find you. Maybe it's hiking, maybe it's volunteering, but....get out there. Yes, you are ready. You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

 

WOW! This is deep >>> You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

 

I never thought of it that way. I just realised that I considered him "safe" and even perhaps "familiar" since we were buddies decades ago. As I just wrote to reinventmyself, I viewed his not calling as yet another rejection. I'm still too vulnerable. Thank you!

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This is great advise. If you aren't feeling really confident to do so, consider that when engaging in activities like this you are doing things along side of or parallel each other. It's connecting with others in a baby step sorta way.

 

I think you went backwards because you thought it safer that way than to risk moving forward.

 

I love the analogy of a squirrel trying to cross the road. It's actually true if you watch it. They will get 3/4 of the way across and if they see a car, they run back to where they came from. Even if it's at it's own peril. Because it's all it knows. The other side is unknown.

 

What a great analogy! Yes, I'm very afraid and skeptical to do anything these days. It's easier (and safer) to stay in my shell. That's why I was disappointed when he didn't call - yet another rejection, as I saw it. Thank you!

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WOW! This is deep >>> You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

 

I never thought of it that way. I just realised that I considered him "safe" and even perhaps "familiar" since we were buddies decades ago. As I just wrote to reinventmyself, I viewed his not calling as yet another rejection. I'm still too vulnerable. Thank you!

 

I mean....he didn't really reject you as such. He just responded in a much more passive way, aka let's play a game together.

 

Anyway, what you are learning is that the past is in the past....where it should be. So be brave and look forward. Go sign up for things and just start doing random stuff that even remotely interests you.... just try things. You will surprise yourself and you will start running into people you like. New people, new life, new activities trigger happier thoughts and creativity and breathe life into you....quite literally so. It's not about playing it safe, it's about embracing the present and making it to be what you want it to be. Envision the life that you want to have and go get it, one baby step a day. I'll say it again - you are bold, brave, gutsy - tap into that and go grab life by the horns. Eyes forward.

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I mean....he didn't really reject you as such. He just responded in a much more passive way, aka let's play a game together.

 

Anyway, what you are learning is that the past is in the past....where it should be. So be brave and look forward. Go sign up for things and just start doing random stuff that even remotely interests you.... just try things. You will surprise yourself and you will start running into people you like. New people, new life, new activities trigger happier thoughts and creativity and breathe life into you....quite literally so. It's not about playing it safe, it's about embracing the present and making it to be what you want it to be. Envision the life that you want to have and go get it, one baby step a day. I'll say it again - you are bold, brave, gutsy - tap into that and go grab life by the horns. Eyes forward.

 

Thank you so much for your encouraging and flatteriing words, DancingFool. You are an amazing person. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved one. xx

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If you just want something to occupy your time with a human connection but not forming friendships as the goal, try volunteer work. Volunteer at the local zoo, museum, a children's group home where they are waiting for foster parents to take them on, environmental cleanups, nursing homes. It might be a less scary step for you before you move on to other activities.

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just FYI, those games, and gaming is how a lot of people socially interact these days. That's probably why he suggested you get in the game with him. Some games have a chat box or you can voice chat on the higher playing level games. So it was a good thing you moved on, games not being of any interest to you.

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Another analogy. . (from a therapist when I told him I wasn't ready to date and at that moment I wouldn't be very good at it.)

 

He told me that I wasn't going to learn to date again by standing outside the batters box, watching. I'd only get better at it if I got in the box and started swinging.

 

Your therapist had a very good point. But, I cannot even imagine ever dating again (especially at my age). I think I will go solo. But, thank you! xx

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just FYI, those games, and gaming is how a lot of people socially interact these days. That's probably why he suggested you get in the game with him. Some games have a chat box or you can voice chat on the higher playing level games. So it was a good thing you moved on, games not being of any interest to you.

 

I guess I've been out of the loop regarding those games. Yep, I've moved on. I tried, he tried. It didn't fly. End of story. Thank you!

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