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11 months after breakup - Advice needed


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First apologize for any misunderstanding as English is not my native language.

 

My back story:

 

My ex boyfriend (29M) broke up with me (27F) a few days shy of New Year Eve 2019 after a 2.3 year relationship. We dated exclusively after knowing each other for 4 months. At that time he was a new employee at my real estate consulting company and sit next to me. He said that he had fallen for me on the second day at work but kept it to himself and his close friend. As time went by, we became friends and hung out a lot after work but I only saw him as a really good friend, mainly because I was hesitant about his dating history:

 

(1) He had a 5 year relationship with his ex fiancee which ended quickly after he returned to our mother country (they studied abroad). He left her because she wanted a marriage but he was not ready to settle down, he wanted to sow his wild oats. They remained friends ever since and she has not moved on until now. He used to confide in me (before we dated) that she was his true love and the one he saw himself married with in the future, if not her then no one else (ironically he later confessed he only said that to impress me). He never public his relationship status with her on facebook but still kept their intimate pictures there.

 

(2) He casually dated around and hooked up after that breakup for 1.5 years before he met me. One of those flings was one that he shortly dated a girl for 2 months, took her virginity then dumped her claiming he got irritated by her sobbing whenever they had sex. That was about a half year before he met me.

 

(3) He is outgoing, charming, confident and masculine and possesses a great ability to hook people into. He treats everybody well and people (colleagues, friends) admires him for his kindness, wittiness, attitude in life and tremendous career success. However, he confesses that he is also selfish and manipulative, no one can access his true inner self due to his childhood (his parents dearly love him but they gave tough love, he loves his parents too).

 

(4) He respects women but always observes and analyzes them: he is afraid of gold-diggers given that he comes from a pretty wealthy family. He can fool women into thinking they can get something from him without knowing that he just plays them around.

 

Our relationship:

 

The honeymoon stage was over the top with him saying he loved me only a week after we dated exclusively. He said that I was the keeper: I had a heart of gold, was smart/independent/hard working/skinny and hot/elegant/ the one he could confide in and so on. I come from a middle-class family and self aware of our different castes, so I always offered to split the bills on our dates and he was happy with that. He came on so strong, saying out loud he loved me everywhere, held my hand and tried to kiss me everywhere. Basically he was overwhelming and I was overwhelmed. However I gradually fell in love with him and gave him my virginity 1 month after dating. He was my first love.

 

Our personalities are different. He is extra extrovert while I am introvert, he likes football/rap music while I like soccer/rock music. However we still have common hobbies in travelling, politics, movies, etc.

 

4 months in the relationship and he mentioned moving in and I said we needed time to consider that. We still lived with our parents (pretty common in our country).

 

He left our company 7 months in the relationship to pursue his career at an education firm. He is extremely ambitious and always thrives for growth.

 

He wanted me to be ambitious too (I am very hard working and career-oriented, employee of the year, etc) and encouraged me to jump job for higher salary. I did and we were happy. He was still as affectionate as ever. Sex was great, he said sex with me was the best he ever had with anyone. He said I was a cool and great girlfriend, I respected him, never controlled his phone/email/who he went out with. He pretty much initiated our daily messages and video calls. We were in love. I was too blinded by my love for him to not recognize subtle signs starting to rear their ugly heads: He once or twice calling me "b***h" without apologizing, teasing my music taste, calling me stupid in a joking manner numerous times, flirting with his colleagues claiming light-hearted, storming out and leaving me with his football buddies when he got furious with them, getting mad at me for not dancing with him at club (I prefer to sit and have a drink)... Still he loved me, cared for me and supported me a lot. I thought the goods outweighed the bads. Stupid me.

 

He once again changed job for higher salary 14 months in the relationship. The new job gave him opportunities to flight across countries, stay at luxury hotels, fancy dinners and meet new people. I was proud of him and happy for him, but our together times became less and less (from meeting everyday to once a week, sometimes once every 2 or 3 weeks). We maintained contacts by messages and phone calls but the passion started to wear down.

 

One night he sat me down and said that he wanted to settle down in the near future and he saw a future with me, he loved me so much. He told me to be patient and wait for him to accomplish his goals. He asked me to promise him 6 things: to love him, to keep being beautiful, to maintain my professionals, to not complain being ignored by him when he was on his business trips, to satisfy with occasionally bad sex when he was exhausted by his workload and to move in with him. I agreed with the first 5 things but not with the moving in (as he still lived with his parents and showed no sign of seeking somewhere else to live). I saw myself marrying him.

 

3 months after that, he sat me down again and said he wanted to marry me, but I had to tell my parents that we would move out and have a house for our own. I wholeheartedly agreed, that's what I wanted to and I had a discussion with my parents, they agreed too. I told him, he confirmed further that not only we would move out after the wedding but we would also maintain living separately with out parents and just give them financial supports not physical cares (my parents are really old now and nursing homes are not common in our country). I accepted. Sometimes I shed tears thinking about that, he saw that and hugged me, saying he respected me for being a strong woman, for being there for my family. I believed him.

 

He changed job again to a director position and I changed job for higher pays too. His salary doubled mine at that time. He started to spend his money on luxury gym member card (which he never used, he had a small gym setup at home), bar, clubbing, fancy dinners with colleagues while still living with his parents. I had a mortgage to worry about (for my house) and had to cut off my expenses. He became more and more self-centered, saying he had grown better than all out his university friends and he was so proud. He started to nag at me, saying I was needy (I sometimes got hurt when it took him long to reply my texts, despite we reduced to only meet once every two weeks), saying the way I dressed was ugly, threatening to throw out some of my bras if he saw me wearing them again (I have small breasts), blaming me for being too sensitive for getting hurt at him not replying for a day after I had to go to the hospital to check up my under belly pain, getting mad at me for letting him to wait 0.5 hour (when he usually let me wait an hour on our dates) and every little thing. He urged me to change job again (I just passed probation and my colleagues loved me) for higher salary, when I showed my hesitate, he said I was so passive and lack ambition, the nitpicking went on and on. Little did I know, he met her at that time...

 

He broke up with me one month after we returned from our vacation - where he still said he loved me, sang me love songs, whispered nasty words while making love to me. Out of the blue. He drove me home and broke up with me in his car. He said he lost his feelings for me for 3 weeks and thought that I realized it too (???). He said he knew I cried a lot during those weeks (yes no one does not when your boyfriend purposely goes on business trip to avoid spending time with you on Xmas). I asked if there was someone else, and he said: "There's a woman likes him. He will rebound to her after me, so technically yes, truthfully no (???)". He said he was lucky and I was not, so I had to try to move on and find someone else, guys would be lucky to have me. He said he chose his happiness over mine. He joked that it was a luxury to break up in the car instead of somewhere outside while I cried my heart out. After 20 minutes, I accepted the breakup and wished him a successful and happy life ahead. He then drove off to his colleague's house to collect some old clothes for his new woman's charity activities. He blocked me on facebook that night.

 

After the breakup:

 

That night I was tremendously hurt so I sent him two texts to say how I think, asking why it was easy for him to throw out our 2 years together, asking why he said I was the love of his life when he could easily replace me like that, and stating that I would move on knowing how difficult it is. No answers from him. The morning after, I sent him a text to inform I would return his belongings by shipping them to his office, and ask for my belongings back (a big luggage with lots of clothes, underwear, makeup,...). He said he would ship them to my office. One week after that, I had not received my belongings so I texted him again. He called me back saying he would but nothing.

 

I tried to move on: focus on work, sign up for gym, go shopping, reconnect with my friends and family but the hurt still lingered there.

 

7 months after breakup, I received a missed call from him but I did not call back. One month later, he called me again asking if I would be comfortable with him attending our ex colleague's wedding, I said I was okie with that. He asked if I wanted him to drive me to the wedding, I said I would go with my friends. I also asked him to return my belongings and he said he would. We ignored each other at the wedding and I felt nothing. I thought I could let go then...

 

He had not given me back my belongings so I texted him again. No reply. 2 weeks later, I texted him again to request for a shipping to my home address with me covering the shipping fee. No reply. So I called him, he said he would. One month and nothing from him. I called him again but he did not pick up the call, then he texted me back that he would ship my belongings to my house the day after. Nothing. 3 days later he called me and said he would ship them to my office and he did. Final closure then.

 

Last week I received a text from my friend with screenshot of him being relationship with her on facebook. The date was in February (one month after we broke up) but they decided to only pubic it now. They will get married soon. The woman works with him, is 4 years older than him and equally successful as him. She is pretty and seems to have great personality. What hurts me is the comments, where his colleagues jokingly said he hided his previous relationships for the sake of sex and now he meets the love of his life, he liked that comment. They also teased about her big size breasts and he said he prefer it that way and got tired of small size ones (mine). All my hurt feelings come back and I feel so miserable now. I asked my friend not to update me about them anymore and cried a lot.

 

I am glad that I now see his true color. I also realize my share in the relationship failure (pushover, lack of communication, needy). But how can I move on?

Edited by Tomorrowland
grammar
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I'm so sorry for this happening to you.

It sounds like he put you on a pedestal only to rip it out from under you.

It sounds like he does this to other's in the past and he'll probably do it to other people in the future.

It's good that you don't have children together, or that you were together for longer.

He let you see his true colors now.

Imagine all of his cruelty to you as just what he is. Not the person you thought you knew.

This is his true'skin' a monster underneath a nice mask.

It's hard to move on from that. Because you believed the mask was real. Because you are real. He is not.

First thing to do is separate yourself completely, end all contact, end all ways you can see what he does, and who he knows.

Do not, under any circumstances fool yourself into thinking you didn't see what you know you saw.

Do not believe he and his circus of friends for one more minute.

They'll have their day when the mask comes off too.

Believe me, recovery from a narcissist is not easy, but many many people are trying.

If you look online for that word narcissist you'll find out a lot.

And you can find ways to get help with knowing how to do it.

Again, you should not let those bullies get to you.

They're just repeating what they think will get them"in" with that man in the mask.

You are now free of it, and good thing.

Now you can find a man who is real like you, and will love you truly.

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Your only share in the failure of the relationship was getting with him in the first place. This guy is a major tool and he had told you who he was before you dated him. Reread what you wrote about his dating history. Thinking that he would treat you any better was unrealistic. When people show you who they are you need to believe them and not expect that they will magically treat you better.

 

You can move on knowing that you are very lucky that you won't have to spend the rest of your life with someone who is selfish, manipulative, has no respect for women, calls you names, tears you down and mentally abuses you. You knew who he was before you dated him. His dating history was an indication of his character and how he treats women. Your mistake was thinking that he would treat you better. When you see someone treating others poorly, always remember that it is only a matter of time before they treat you poorly too.

 

This guy has given you all the information you need to move on. He is still the same jerk he has always been. You lost nobody special. You should thank your lucky stars that you won't have to put up with his crap for a lifetime. What you need to learn from this is that when you see such behaviour, you need to break up yourself NOT stay on and put up with it. When you see a man treating women like disposable objects like that, this person is not good husband material.

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Sorry to hear this. The best thing to move forward is to block and delete him, all his people and his new fiance from all your social media and messaging apps and all your contact lists and devices. It's been a year since the breakup, so don't let this drag on any further.

 

Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting men. Get out and join some clubs, groups, sports, volunteer, and start enjoying life again.

Last week I received a text from my friend with screenshot of him being relationship with her on facebook. The date was in February (one month after we broke up) but they decided to only pubic it now. They will get married soon.

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Now that you've asked your friends not to update about him and you're no longer in contact (make sure you block his number so it doesn't set you back to square one if he calls), you should stop thinking daily of him given time and pampering yourself and spending time with loved ones.

 

Learning from this experience, when you choose a better partner next time, you will appreciate the keeper that much more. I know that happened for me. Take care.

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The guy sounds like a complete narcissist. Very self-absorbed, in love with himself, cold and unfeeling. I would also say he's just a player. I don't think he wants to get married to anyone. I think all his talk about marriage is manipulative and just saying what he knows women want to hear. He was with his ex-fiancee for five years and didn't want to get married and dumped her just like that. Then used some poor girl for sex who got attached to him and dropped her like a hot potato.

 

He treated you badly from the start. He was never good. His mouth said all these sweet nothings, but his actions were often cruel. Then he just got rid of you like the other women. I'm sure he will do it to this new girlfriend too. He is a misogynist and this is how he treats women.

 

You sound like a successful and intelligent woman, and a loyal partner. You can do so much better than this guy!! You need to see your worth. And this guy is not worthy of YOU.

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Thanks for all the responses and good advice! I know I deserve better than him but it is so hard to recover when my self-esteem and identity are so low now. He drained everything out of me one year ago and when I started to think I could move on for real, he gave me one more down.

 

Last week I had a catch up with my ex colleague from his and my old company. She said she worried about me as she heard him telling one of our ex colleagues (who is very close to me) that I was trying to hold on to him by using the "get my belongings back" excuse. I was shocked hearing that. How he could even think of me like that when I am the one who had my stuff taken hostage for 10 months? For 8 months we had been in no contact and it was him who broke it and promised to return my things (but failed to keep his promise for 1.5 months). The texts I sent him are clear and on point: "Please return my stuff to the xxx address within this week. I will cover the shipping fee. Thanks.", I immediately blocked his number after receiving my stuff and cut off all contacts and he had the guts to tell our mutual friends I was trying to get him back. Not only I am hurt by this but also disappointed by the man I used to love and respect so much. Now my ex colleagues look at me like I am a desperate creeper and they side with him.

 

I used to think he was a narcissist too but now, after much reflection, I am afraid that it might be just my cognitive bias and deep hurt telling me he is a complete narcissist. He does have empathy and feelings, he used to cry for his sick auntie and have great passions for his family. Maybe it is our incompatibility and me being the doormat that trigger his bad treatment toward me. I was no angel, me being too invested in him might or might not make him feel trapped in the relationship. So he looked elsewhere. I just wished he told me sooner that he had fallen out of love with me long before he lined up someone else. That way we could have mutually broken up and had peace in our mind.

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Hi I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm sorry your ex boyfriend had to be a jerk. You don't deserve him. And it's great that you're no longer with him because in your right conscience, you wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life with that kind of person.

It may seem so impossible now, but you're going to meet a much better, more loving person. And you're going to be so happy. And you're going to look back at the time you spent on dating a jerk and you're going to laugh. So hard.

Please, believe me.

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Relationships should be easy, happy and mutually respectful. This does not appear to be the case. Maybe his ambitions or "stature", for whatever reason, he seem to want to move on in his life without you. Try to move on as quickly as you can, it is good you are here in ENA, widen your social circle, seek counselling if you must, be as active as you possibly can. I may not be the SME but I know for sure, I don't want to stay where I am on wanted, my thoughts and emotions are better invested elsewhere.

 

You can do it! All of us have been through this, we have done and so can you!

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  • 1 month later...

Question.. Why are you allowing him to affect how you feel? The only person that controls your happiness is you. Yes, I understand that in a break up our esteem is in the toilet. Oh, I know exactly how that feels. But its what you do today that matters.

So why do you allow a guy who is no longer in your life make you miserable? Unless your belongings are really important or valuable I would probably look at it as a loss and just let them go. You have reached out wanting your things and he doesn't care or just doesn't really care about giving them back to you so are they worth chasing? Maybe just have a friend go over to his place and get them for you (if he even has your stuff)

I know break ups suck. They do. Each one affects us in different ways, but to me it still seems like you are trying to piece together what happened. Trying to figure out what went wrong or what could of been done different. Instead of trying to understand what happened, or understand whats going on in his mind. Why cant you just accept that things just didn't work out? Doesn't have to be fault, no blame, nothing you did wrong, just didn't work out, he wasn't the one you were meant to be with and you accept that there is someone else out there for you.

Break up is a mind set.. You must not allow anyone to beat you.

Now about gaining your esteem look at it this way... You attracted a man before and many times before that, what makes you think you cant attract another one? Getting your esteem back can be about baby steps. Maybe one day just smile at someone, maybe flirt a bit the next week. Doesn't mean you have to date or get a number, but sometimes just getting a smile in return can do a lot. So chin up, I know you can do it.

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Don't let random computer functions determine what you do. He should have been blocked and deleted from all your social media and messaging apps long ago. If it keeps showing up you also need to delete him from your contact lists.

I noticed his profile pop up on the people that you may know.
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