Jump to content

Feeling invalidated by my boyfriend


Recommended Posts

If anyone is wondering why I don’t have a place of my own, rent is seriously expensive in California. A one bedroom apartment is $1,400 a month minimum. I make that much a month. After paying my car payment, auto insurance, health insurance, phone bill payments, spending on gas and food, I have about $300 left.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do see your point. I think I am just feeling resentful because of all the driving I’ve done (it’s expensive, stressful, and takes up 2 hours of my day) while he makes the drive to where I am maybe three times a year. It just doesn’t feel right. It’s also his reaction when I bring this up that has me concerned. He doesn’t have to agree with the way I feel, but he should show respect and courtesy for my concerns the way that I do his. I do see your point though. I can’t expect him to sacrifice for me, while I refuse to do the same.

 

And why does he not? does he not have any opportunity to because you always come to him?

 

Did you say "wow. this is a lot of wear and tear on my car" and still travel as usual, or did you say "hey, i heard about this great new reference in townhalfwayinbetween. Let's do it this week. will tuesday or thursday be better for you?" and get the guy to move and he said "nope, i hate driving". Or do you ever say "my car is acting funny. i am not going to be able to drive out today" and then he doesn't see you for three weeks because you don't go there?

 

he could be seeing moving in together as solving your commute issue.

 

Lay it on the table. "i drive 2 hours each time when we want to see eachother. I spend x in gas per week. i would like it better if you reciprocated. "

Link to post
Share on other sites
If anyone is wondering why I don’t have a place of my own, rent is seriously expensive in California. A one bedroom apartment is $1,400 a month minimum. I make that much a month. After paying my car payment, auto insurance, health insurance, phone bill payments, spending on gas and food, I have about $300 left.

 

I live in the Vancouver area so I know. A one bedroom condo 20 miles outside of downtown is $1800. But you do what everyone else does, get roommates and look for a basement suite, which should be cheaper. When I was you age I worked two jobs and did house keeping on the side. Ya did what ya had to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I get the feeling that there are kind of two things going on here that have become a bit too intertwined, perhaps right from the start: your relationship and you starting out as an adult. Given the circumstances here—the reality that you and him are in very different stages of life—I'd say the more you can keep those things separate the more harmony you'll find together, or at least be able to discover how much harmony is there.

 

That may require some shifting of the brain, as well as addressing things in the relationship a bit differently, per what abitbroken advised. That's addressing this issue head on, rather than making where he buys a home an issue, or a verdict on you or his "care" for you, and then searching for a sense of power in resentment. Focus on the specifics and you get a chance to see if you guys can work—and work through things, constructively, respectful of your individual realities—rather than make "working" predicated on all these gigantic shifts that fuse partnership and individuality.

 

California is expensive, yes. I live here, I know, and I when I was 17 I moved to New York, another wildly expense place where I keep a home. I've made it work, as people do. Life, generally, is pretty expensive, and a lot of adulthood is figuring out how to manage it. Yes, one way to imagine navigating the expenses of wherever you are is to create a system, right from the start, where you're never fully independent, living either with your parents or a partner. But that system comes with inherent risks.

 

For one, you never become independent. Related: it's a tremendous amount of pressure to put on a relationship, be it an actual relationship or the conception of one, to be the thing that allows you to step into yourself or some version of life you want. In a relationship like this, where someone is already independent and for whom adulthood is not theoretical, it puts you in the position of playing catch up or gauging (consciously or not) someone's level of commitment based on whether they can provide you with a sense of independence. That's a Catch-22, of course.

 

Guess I'm just saying that so long as you're invested in him being any kind of path toward adulthood you're going to find feeling like an equal a challenge, since he's got deeper roots on that front. But find ways to connect and communicate as equals, while carving out that path on your own, and you're likely to feel a lot stronger and more confident, regardless of how this all shakes out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why the hell is this so one sided? Obviously it's not working and he must really love this unequal arrangement. Noone will respect nor take u seriously if you let yourself do this. He doesn't appreciate you nor cares the way you do. The fact he doesn't understand and makes you feel bad says a lot.

 

Guys appreciate things they work for. You should not be driving to him. He should be driving to you. More times than not.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why won't he drive to meet you? Why does it have to be you doing it every time? Also I find it a redflag that he made this move without talking to you about it or finding a solution that fits both you. At almost 2 years into a relationship, it's normal for couples to think about each other when making decisions like moving to another place and etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...