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Need advice on how to reach out to my Ex-Wife on Christmas


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Figureiout23, I stopped counting after 100-something - lol. Our last conversation was in March 2018. This will be my last contact on Christmas.

 

Thats not genuine. If you contact someone, you are expecting a reply. So its rubbish that you intend it to be the last. You said yourself you wanted to be friends. She does not want that. you will make her Christmas miserable if you contact her - that's not a sign of respect

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you need acceptance, not closure. its over. She left to find herself. If she wanted contact, she would be contacting you. She is not. You are trying to "diagnose" her with something to convince yourself that some illness - PTSD, bipolar disorder is what is making her not want to be with you and therefore deep down she actually wants to be with you if she got help.

 

Please accept that its over. She divorced you.

its dead and buried.

 

The only thing to do is figure out what you contributed so that you don't repeat the same things in a new relationship.

 

If you are lonely at the holidays, maybe spend time with family and friends, but do NOT contact your ex

 

Or...he could spend the holidays with his WIFE! The one he refuses to acknowledge exists while he continues to pursue his ex.

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I'm not a professional medical personal at all. But my father was psychiatrist. I am only qualified to state what I observed of his professional obligations during the holidays,

 

He was friggin' busy!

 

So many patients trying to patch up dysfunctional relationships around Christmas. They'd call, they'd be in the ER with suicide attempts, there would be endless interruptions of our family dinners, his personal time so he could render comfort to patients who could not resolve their issues. Issues magnified by their unrealistic expectations during the hallmark card season.

 

I'm not qualified to give medical advice at all. But my observations of how people were more needy at Christmas may inform your decision-making process.

 

I recommend keeping no contact with the ex.

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Our last conversation, nearly two years ago, was not a very pleasant one. I simply called her to tell her the good news that I finished university, and instead of congratulating me, she was raging, rehashing the past, and slammed the phone on me. She checks out my Instagram from time to time but never writes, which is odd.

 

I have never seen this level of anger or animosity before. I sometimes reflect and look back with some level of sadness and nostalgia, and I sometimes ask myself, ''how did we get to this point?''

- Bipolar or not, women usually don't get rid of a guy until they have the strength, until they hate him so much that there is no going back, ever. Why talk to somebody who hates your guts? All you are asking for is trouble.

 

I would move on with my life and find a new friend who likes you, not hates you. Choose your friends wisely.

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To answer your question, I would be annoyed if an ex I disliked contacted me. There is nothing they could say that would make me smile or reminisce. I would simply feel irritated.

 

I actually have an ex that still insists on contacting me about once a year. Every time he does it I do not respond. I think to myself 'Get a life'. I know it sounds mean but I don't like him and I've made it clear I want no contact. Him going against my wishes is immature and selfish. I suspect you ex feels the same about you.

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.... you must seek help to move forward from your ex .

To be honest, it looks like OP is going to go against the majority here and send that message...

 

I do believe and hope that her lack of response (as in, none) will be another step towards him moving forward...

 

The fact that he has continually brushed aside the questions about his current wife does not bode well for that relationship either...

 

Do what you must OP. Reality will always come for us in the end, no matter how long it takes*

 

Carus*

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To be honest, it looks like OP is going to go against the majority here and send that message...

 

I do believe and hope that her lack of response (as in, none) will be another step towards him moving forward...

 

The fact that he has continually brushed aside the questions about his current wife does not bode well for that relationship either...

 

Do what you must OP. Reality will always come for us in the end, no matter how long it takes*

 

Carus*

 

Yeah I agree Carus , he will do this in his own time regardless , we both know that . It is hard when you just can't let go , I can hold my hands up to that .

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It's surprising she hasn't gotten a restraining order against you yet. Or does it expire on that date?

We have been divorced now for 3.5 years and have been in No Contact for nearly 2 years. I have decided to write her on December 25
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Or...he could spend the holidays with his WIFE! The one he refuses to acknowledge exists while he continues to pursue his ex.

 

I feel badly for the current wife... and predict that if she has any self-esteem at all, it will only be a matter of time before she moves on too.

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I just find it very odd that she still stalks my Instagram! That to me is even more creepy than sending a brief note on Christmas!

 

Not even a little bit odd... nearly everyone I know does this periodically... and hardly stalking if you have left it open to the public.

 

What's odd is your obsession with your ex and the way you seek her approval.

 

If you looked up insanity in the dictionary, you would see a picture of yourself writing her a letter on Christmas.

 

Why do you have such a desperate need for her approval?

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I just find it very odd that she still stalks my Instagram! That to me is even more creepy than sending a brief note on Christmas!

 

You find this odd, but you don't find a married man continually trying to find ways to reconnect with his ex wife odd. Or a man who pretends his current wife doesn't exist odd.

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You find this odd, but you don't find a married man continually trying to find ways to reconnect with his ex wife odd. Or a man who pretends his current wife doesn't exist odd.

 

I’m staring to think there isn’t one.

 

He wrote a year ago he met his ex wife for coffee and found closure.

 

Thanks endy, after +75 days of No Contact followed by a coffee meeting, I am in a much better place and finally got the closure I was looking for.

 

Thank you kindly for all of your support.

 

I can’t quote the other post causes it got closed.

 

In this post he states he hasn’t spoke to her in 2 years.

 

In another post he mentions he makes twice her salary as a Dr., lives in Hollywood, and hob-knobs with celebrities.

 

In another post he states he has PTSD because she pulled a knife on him.

 

And it seems in nearly every post since 2004 he’s been trying to reconcile with one ex after another.

 

There’s a whole lot going on here.

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Life is not a Hallmark or Disney movie. It's time to be realistic instead of sentimental. Stop reaching out to her. Don't bother yourself nor her.

 

Whenever there is divorce and no kids involved, it's final which means you go your separate ways with permanent zero contact. Be mature, grow up and accept this harsh reality check. That's life.

 

Stop living in the past. Move forward without thinking of your ex-wife's life. Be more concerned about YOUR life.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful advice! I Based on the recommendations above, I have decided to act with a balanced approach.

 

Instead of sending an email to catch up and ask her for her goals and projects for the new year, I have decided instead to simply text her “Merry Christmas (name) !

 

That’s it! Short and simple. I will send it on Christmas Day. Who would be cruel and mean-spirited to ignore a positive text like this on Christmas?

 

Now, another interesting fact. After years of absence, curiously enough, she popped back on my Skype contact list! This after years of absence and Silent Treatment - lol. What a strange coincidence, a week before Christmas.

 

I will keep you updated of the results, and in the event of another disappointment, I shall implement permanent No Contact on January 1st 2020 and formally close that chapter of my life once and for all.

 

For all of the negative comments out there, I shall remind you that I am in the Healing After Divorce section, which is what I am doing. I am not in the Getting Back Together section. I have never experienced so much cyber bullying like that in my entire life! lol

 

Happy Holidays everyone!

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Who would be cruel and mean-spirited to ignore a positive text like this on Christmas?

Mm well you're about to find out.....

 

What if she just replies "Thanks. You Too"....?

 

How does your current wife feel about this?

 

Carus*

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