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Need advice on how to reach out to my Ex-Wife on Christmas


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Greetings! I have read several articles and seen YouTube videos advising to NOT reach out to an ex on Christmas or the Holiday Season.

 

However, my goal is not to get my ex-wife back, but simply to re-establish a bridge of communication for a potential friendship in the long-term. I absolutely have no intentions in a long-term reconciliation.

 

A bit of history: my ex-wife left me 5.5 years ago to ''find herself'' after a 6-year marriage (she has been single since then). We have been divorced now for 3.5 years and have been in No Contact for nearly 2 years. She is still single, bitter, and her heart is full of anger towards me and life in general. Our mutual friends and myself, including therapists I spoke with in the past, suspect either bipolar disorder or narcissist (cops showing up in restaurants asking her to leave because she is yelling and lashing out at the server or a waitress, etc.). Our last conversation, nearly two years ago, was not a very pleasant one. I simply called her to tell her the good news that I finished university, and instead of congratulating me, she was raging, rehashing the past, and slammed the phone on me. She checks out my Instagram from time to time but never writes, which is odd.

 

I have never seen this level of anger or animosity before. I sometimes reflect and look back with some level of sadness and nostalgia, and I sometimes ask myself, ''how did we get to this point?''

 

Sine I have decided to write her on December 25, I would like to have advice from female dumpers: if you ex was to reach out to you on Christmas Day, after a long period of no contact and years after an ugly divorce, how would you feel? Happy? Upset? Sad? What kind of e-mail would make you smile and prompt you to respond? A short note? A longer e-mail to update her on my life and the highlights of the year? Asking her about her goals for the next year? All I'm asking is for a positive and healthy, respectful interaction or communication.

 

Thank you in advance for the advice and kind regards!

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Sine I have decided to write her on December 25, I would like to have advice from female dumpers: if you ex was to reach out to you on Christmas Day, after a long period of no contact and years after an ugly divorce, how would you feel? Happy? Upset? Sad? What kind of e-mail would make you smile and prompt you to respond? A short note? A longer e-mail to update her on my life and the highlights of the year? Asking her about her goals for the next year? All I'm asking is for a positive and healthy, respectful interaction or communication.

 

I don't mean to be unkind, but it's pointless to ask us this.

 

I'll explain: assuming most posters here don't harbour the same perceived level of animosity and emotional instability that you claim your ex does, asking us what we would like to hear and how we would feel isn't going to help you. If what you describe is accurate, we can't begin to fathom the mindset with which she will receive and react to contact.

 

If you've been out of contact for 2 years and she was angry when you last reached out, I don't have any clue why you want to re-open this door. Being friends is not a realistic prospect.

 

But since I get the impression you will contact her anyway, don't write her some long email about yourself or ask her what her goals are for the coming year. You two are not friends anymore and you don't really have any place asking her things like that. You would be wisest to first wish Happy Holidays and see if she even responds, and in a manner that isn't angry and resentful.

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Although your gesture seems to be magnanimous, I have to wonder why.

Everything you listed sounds like someone you'd be better off without in your life.

Maybe you hope for closure, or peace. But, I think you will just end up disappointed, and reminded of all the things you divorced over.

Personally, I do my best to let people go who make no effort to stay in my life as a good influence or friend.

It doesn't sound like she wants to do that with you. And it doesn't seem like a good idea to reach out.

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If she has harbored nothing but bitterness toward you and has not contacted you for a good while, then why would she want to be your friend?

 

Leave her alone and work on yourself. You both do not owe each other anything but to move on with your lives.

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When you're not happy in your present, one sometimes looks to the past as a more predictable way to find it, because the future is unknown.

 

The fact that you want a person who is angry, bitter, and yells at waitstaff in your life at all is very telling that you have very low self-worth and that's all you think you're worthy of in this life.

 

You've never achieved closure because you stayed in contact for several years, and at present, you're either grilling your friends about her or not stopping them from telling you news of her.

 

So my advice is different than you're asking. I would assume you'd like a gf, and I'm assuming you don't have one, since your focus is in the rearview mirror. Just know that any self-respecting woman won't date you when you've stayed friends with an ex, so you're setting yourself up for a lonely solo life by doing what you're proposing.

 

I'd work on developing a healthy self esteem so that you will only accept mentally healthy people in your life. Tell your friends you no longer want news of the ex. Only then, after achieving a happy life solo, will you be ready to date, and then I suggest Meetup.com for a fun and less stressful way of meeting single women your age. Good luck, and I hope you have a shiny new year of NEW prospects.

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Reread what you wrote about her. No healthy person would want to invite that back into their life, not even as a friend. You would be better off spending all that thinking energy figuring out what it is within you that causes you to be drawn to all that negativity. Because people who want a healthy life would run the other way and keep running. Good luck.

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That is correct, she was very hostile and resentful in the past, not just to myself, but was very unkind to restaurant patrons. I am sometimes curious to see if that is permanent or if the dust has settled. She was under horrible stress due to her academic programs and was under a lot of pressure. It is difficult to assess if that was a personality flaw, or if she was going through horrendous stress back then. Our first 2-3 years of marriage were great so I am not sure if she is permanently ''damaged'' or hostile. I have just never seen that level of anger before.

 

Some ex-wives remain permanently angry, others are friendly and have re-connected with their former spouses to engage in a healthy dialogue. Also for the record we do not have kids. Not sure either as to why she is checking out my Instagram stories on occasion, we haven't seen each other for a long time!

 

Thank you for those who have offered respectful advice. I will let you know after December 25 if I do receive a response. In the meantime I will continue to pray for her health, success, and well-being. The Holiday season can make people feel somewhat nostalgic.

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Unless you and your ex-wife had children together, cease all contact permanently. Obviously, both of you did not divorce amicably. Therefore, there's no point with your greetings and updates to her nor inquiring about her life post-divorce. Respect her by leaving her alone and don't bother her.

 

My story is not the same as yours. However, I tried to reach out to someone and resume contact after a falling out with my cousin. We shared a great childhood together and then life's choices changed her into a person I no longer recognized anymore. She married a manipulative unemployed guy with autoimmune disorders (MS & Epilepsy) who harasses women publicly, had kids, she's currently the sole breadwinner and her entire life spiraled downhill from there. She also tends to her divorced parents who live hundreds of miles apart. It was like night and day and quite the sobering reality check. I didn't want to accept that it would be impossible to recapture a once innocent cousin-ship. It would've been an effort in futility. I've since grudgingly accepted how life unfolded. I may not have to like it but I have to accept reality. Nowadays, I focus on what matters which are family and friends.

 

Same with you. It's time to really go your separate way and carve out a new life for yourself without your ex-wife in the picture. This is how life is and not all relationships have a storybook ending.

 

There are times when you realize that certain relationships weren't meant to be nor meant to endure for a reason. Whenever there are stark personality and character defects, incurable flaws and mental disorders, it's time to part ways permanently.

 

Surround yourself with normal, stable, honorable, respectable people because they'll influence you to be the same and steer you towards an optimal, sound life.

 

People change after animosity and acrimony. Complete trust is no more. Therefore, you have to keep moving forward in your life. Don't dwell on what could've been nor attempt to pick up right where you left off because it is bound for failure. Don't set yourself up for unnecessary and wasteful disappointment.

 

Think long and hard and do what makes logical sense.

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I agree the holiday season is indeed precious, priceless time for family, nostalgia and sentiment. It's all around you with public decor, music, gatherings for meals and traditions. While that's all well and good, remember whom you're dealing with. If it means dealing with a psycho, splash cold water on your face, wake up and get a reality check. :eek:

 

Have an indifferent attitude. Remember both of you divorced for a reason.

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Thank you Cherylyn, I appreciate your response and advice. I will go ahead with a short e-mail on Christmas. Something is telling me to at least try so that I can finally get closure and be at peace. If I do get a reply, I will let you know in a future post. Otherwise, it will be back to No Contact and will start counting the days/years starting January 1st.

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I don't remember very well since it has been nearly 2 years. I do remember congratulating her on her recent graduation and to check if she had received my card, to which she replied "I don't want your congratulations'' and hung up. I have to add that she is also Russian and has suffered a number of mental breakdowns in the past while living in Russia. I feel sorry for her in the sense that she might be suffering from PTSD or some sort of trauma, it is hard to tell. That is why I do feel compassion for her. It is a very sad story.

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OP what is the reason you continue to seek a friendship with your ex? Do you feel it will some how absolve you of guilt in her eyes? And how does your current wife/fiance feel about all of this?

 

I ask because you have posted many, many times about the deplorable way she has treated you... yet you continue to go back, time and time again, like a beaten puppy longing for love.

 

I suppose it's up to you if you want to re-enter that world of codependent insanity but methinks you have suffered enough.... maybe it's time to finally let her go and stop trying to fix it.... somethings just can't be fixed.

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I don't remember very well since it has been nearly 2 years. I do remember congratulating her on her recent graduation and to check if she had received my card, to which she replied "I don't want your congratulations'' and hung up. I have to add that she is also Russian and has suffered a number of mental breakdowns in the past while living in Russia. I feel sorry for her in the sense that she might be suffering from PTSD or some sort of trauma, it is hard to tell. That is why I do feel compassion for her. It is a very sad story.

 

Please stop telling yourself nonsense stories and start working on accepting reality - you married a nasty piece of work and you got burned by that very poor decision you made. Sane people in Russia do not suffer from any kind of mental breakdowns. Please understand this. There is no sad story, there is only YOU needing to believe that so you can fix her and your very own disordered need to play Mr. Fix It. You can't fix others, but you can fix yourself and need to.

 

Also, please answer - how does your wife feel about this bs of yours? You keep conveniently ignoring this question.

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You asked a few months ago if losing weight would re-attract your ex wife. You also want her to see how successful you are.

 

Why do you want so badly to reconnect with her? Don't you love your current wife? Aren't you committed to her? If not, why did you marry her?

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I do remember congratulating her on her recent graduation and to check if she had received my card, to which she replied "I don't want your congratulations'' and hung up.

 

Doesn't past behavior predict future behavior, and didn't she clearly give you the message she doesn't want to hear from you? You're like a whack-a-mole game, where you keep popping your head out of the hole to be smacked once again.

 

so that I can finally get closure and be at peace. So this is all about you, and your supposed needs. Selfish. And when you're doing something secret from your wife, like seeking a friendship with an ex, it's always crossing inappropriate boundaries. No wonder your present relationship is unhappy. You entered it without closure from your past, and you continue pouring emotional energy and time into an ex, when you should be pouring your all into your present relationship with your wife. What would you think if your wife was writing on forums about her ex and wanting to reach out to him on Christmas?

 

You haven't made the best decisions in life, and that's why you're in an emotional mess. How about listening to the overwhelming majority here, since your thinking contains very flawed tunnel vision and disregard for your spouse.

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I don't remember very well since it has been nearly 2 years. I do remember congratulating her on her recent graduation and to check if she had received my card, to which she replied "I don't want your congratulations'' and hung up. I have to add that she is also Russian and has suffered a number of mental breakdowns in the past while living in Russia. I feel sorry for her in the sense that she might be suffering from PTSD or some sort of trauma, it is hard to tell. That is why I do feel compassion for her. It is a very sad story.

 

Strange to remember you argued but not what about...not even a general idea? You seem to vividly remember many other details.

 

Anyway.

 

It’s admirable you want to show compassion but you’re essentially forcing yourself into someone’s life who is making it clear she doesn’t want you around.

 

You’re describing her as a terrible miserable woman. But the thing is you’re her ex of many many many years now at this point so you don’t really know her, you just know how she treats you.

 

I’m not overly friendly to people I don’t care for. I’m cordial to my ex husband simply because we have a child. If we didn’t I can’t say I’d stop if I saw him stranded on the road.

 

Your ‘selfless’ explanations of your actions are nothing but excuses.

 

Surely you know many of us are full aware of your previous posts.

 

Come on man.

 

When are you going to seek help?

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Thank you Cherylyn, I appreciate your response and advice. I will go ahead with a short e-mail on Christmas. Something is telling me to at least try so that I can finally get closure and be at peace. If I do get a reply, I will let you know in a future post. Otherwise, it will be back to No Contact and will start counting the days/years starting January 1st.

 

With all due respect, I'd forgo the Christmas email otherwise you're setting yourself up for further disappointment. You're divorced, there are no children involved and your ex-wife has serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. You can never move on as long as you're going backwards with resuming contact with your ex-wife. Your fresh start begins now; not in 2020.

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I don't remember very well since it has been nearly 2 years. I do remember congratulating her on her recent graduation and to check if she had received my card, to which she replied "I don't want your congratulations'' and hung up. I have to add that she is also Russian and has suffered a number of mental breakdowns in the past while living in Russia. I feel sorry for her in the sense that she might be suffering from PTSD or some sort of trauma, it is hard to tell. That is why I do feel compassion for her. It is a very sad story.

 

Don't set yourself up for further abuse. Don't bother. Leave her alone.

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you need acceptance, not closure. its over. She left to find herself. If she wanted contact, she would be contacting you. She is not. You are trying to "diagnose" her with something to convince yourself that some illness - PTSD, bipolar disorder is what is making her not want to be with you and therefore deep down she actually wants to be with you if she got help.

 

Please accept that its over. She divorced you.

its dead and buried.

 

The only thing to do is figure out what you contributed so that you don't repeat the same things in a new relationship.

 

If you are lonely at the holidays, maybe spend time with family and friends, but do NOT contact your ex

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