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Ways of approaching women as a shy person


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To give some context at first: 24m, employed (earning a lot over the average in my country), 1.66m (5'5), I'd say normal looking (idk how to rate this).

Until this age I've never had a girlfriend. I still live with my parents (in my country is normal at this age) and they are freaking me out, every time they are telling me "why don't you have a girlfriend, why everyone has a girlfriend and you don't? You are killing me, you want to kill me, do you hate us so much?" and I always feel like after such conversations. Now, it is not like I don't want a girlfriend (to be fair it would be a dream coming true) but I am really shy when it comes to women. Is there a guy? No problem I can start talking to him even randomly on the street no problem. Is it a girl? Hell no, it would look like sexual assault, how can I randmly approach someone? Now I can get out with friends and meet new people right? Wrong, I have just a handful of friends and all of them are not in the country at the moment. Also, I want to add that I have been refused 3 times now, 2 times was ok w/e, 1 time I really liked that person and it hurt a lot. It happened some time ago. Now I believe that I have no chance why should I be hurt again right?

 

Now after this tldr of my ty love life, I really need some advice of how the hell I can handle this part of my life. How can I approach women. To be fair I prefer to somehow approach via social media but idk how the hell to do it. Should I randomly pop up and say "Hi you are cute. Do you want to go out to know each other?"

 

I have no idea. At this moment I feel like , I see no freaking purpose to my ty 24 years of life...

 

I have no idea what the hell I should do and how I can approach it...

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Also, I want to add that I have been refused 3 times now, 2 times was ok w/e, 1 time I really liked that person and it hurt a lot. It happened some time ago. Now I believe that I have no chance why should I be hurt again right?

 

How are you "refused". Did you tell them that "i really think you are pretty and i really like you" or did you ask them to coffee??

 

 

rong, I have just a handful of friends and all of them are not in the country at the moment.

then you make new ones. volunteer, find clubs that share your interests. I found a group online when i moved to a new place that had an interst in foreign films and would meet to go to a movie then go to a place to have a meal and discuss the film. I became friends with some of those people. and new people have sisters, daughters, nieces, neighbors and roommates that they might decide to introduce you to.

 

what about moving out of your parents house and getting a male roommate, or is that not something your culture does?

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Are your parents expecting an arranged marriage for you? Why are they harping on this? Do they fear you are gay or never going to leave home? Your parents and living with them seems to be a major issue. Why aren't you on dating apps and briefly messaging women and meeting up for coffee?

To give some context at first: 24m, employed (earning a lot over the average in my country), 1.66m (5'5). I still live with my parents and they are freaking me out, every time they are telling me "why don't you have a girlfriend, why everyone has a girlfriend and you don't? You are killing me, you want to kill me, do you hate us so much?"
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Also, I want to add that I have been refused 3 times now, 2 times was ok w/e, 1 time I really liked that person and it hurt a lot. It happened some time ago. Now I believe that I have no chance why should I be hurt again right?

 

How are you "refused". Did you tell them that "i really think you are pretty and i really like you" or did you ask them to coffee??

 

 

rong, I have just a handful of friends and all of them are not in the country at the moment.

then you make new ones. volunteer, find clubs that share your interests. I found a group online when i moved to a new place that had an interst in foreign films and would meet to go to a movie then go to a place to have a meal and discuss the film. I became friends with some of those people. and new people have sisters, daughters, nieces, neighbors and roommates that they might decide to introduce you to.

 

what about moving out of your parents house and getting a male roommate, or is that not something your culture does?

 

 

 

Moving with a roomate is not something that my culture does. You either move alone in rent (which is expensive af) or buy a house (which will require about 3 more years of work to get there).

 

The refusals happened when I was in high school, I started talking to a girl then after some time I told her that I like her but she replied that she's not interested. Same for 2nd one. 3rd one I really thought it was mutual but it wasn't....

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Are your parents expecting an arranged marriage for you? Why are they harping on this? Do they fear you are gay or never going to leave home? Your parents and living with them seems to be a major issue. Why aren't you on dating apps and briefly messaging women and meeting up for coffee?

 

Nope in my culture there is no such thing as arranged marriage. In my opinion they belive 2 things:

1. I am gay (which i told them many times I am not)

2. They fear I feel ok to live alone.

 

To be fair they don't want bad things for me it is just that in this ty country I live in you get married (most of the time) pretty early. For example my mom married at frwaking 18. There are tons of school collegues that are getting married at this age. Meanwhile I sit here alone.

 

As for dating apps: to be fair I am not photogenic, and tinder here is basically girls who want rich boys to them.

 

I would love to get out with girls but idk how to approach them, as said above...

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dude:

 

1. Be extremely confident at be boring. I am not joking.

2. Create enough boundaries about the world, that it doesnt matter what are the rest are seeing. I am not saying to be an .

3. In the end of it, you are only responsible at what affects you.

4. Be kind to yourself

5. You be yourself can create your happiness. You only choose what you can change about yourself.

 

For myself, if found those to be enough to bang chicks. My opinion is helpful only for those that give value to it. We are stating our opinions.

Why does it seem to me that you are asking to be told what to do? THAT IS NOT SEXY.

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I think you need to distance yourself from the peanut gallery (aka your family or parents) or let things roll off your back a bit better. You're internalizing a lot of that negative commentary. It's natural. Move out if you feel the space is too small for you at 24. I think you're doing yourself a disservice by following what someone else says. The forum has a number of people from different cultures and backgrounds. I'm half Asian.

 

You'll feel better approaching people in general once you feel better about yourself. Try working on healthier boundaries, putting things in perspectives and don't stay stuck on social media. There are a lot of people who are stuck in that vortex and you're automatically eliminating other people who are not on social media by only sticking to social media. Depending on how a person uses it, it can also be a a smoke screen and full of fake information and insincere personalities (pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside).

 

Improve your self-confidence and make an effort off the screen. You can do it. Good luck.

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I mean....if you can't see women as just human beings, just like any guy you'd talk to, how can you possibly relate, let alone date?

 

Start with making friends and learn how to let go of baggage and over dramatizing rejections. We all reject people all the time, big woop. It's a huge part of life and not a personal commentary on you. You aren't shy so much as you are insecure and hang on to whatever doesn't go your way, way way way too much. That's a personality flaw to work on regardless.

 

You've been rejected 3 times in your life and you want to cry about it and act traumatized? Dude, you have serious personal issues. Players get rejected 20 times a day, yet have a new girl on their arm every weekend. Why? Because the 21st girl that day said yes. Get real.

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I volunteered at the local zoo for a year, not to meet single men because I was married. I just wanted something to add to my quality of life, and am bringing it up because two other volunteers did meet there and became a couple.

 

When I was single, I went to many types of dance classes, like Tango and East Coast Swing, because my work schedule varied from many of my friends, so I couldn't always count on them all the time for my social life. I did briefly date someone I met through that. Although it didn't work out, I still had a good time learning those dances.

 

If you start scouring the newspapers and Internet on what local social activities exist in your community, you might be surprised at what exists. I didn't know about East Coast Swing until I went on a cruise and there were a big group of people who were instructors and were giving demonstrations on their dance moves.

 

It's best to join a hobby you can enjoy, regardless of if you meet women or not, and/or do volunteer work, because it's more beneficial to gradually get to know a woman and see if a spark exists between you two before asking her out. If you don't know what the signs are that a woman might be receptive to saying yes to a date, read some articles on that subject matter. It sounds like when you asked out those girls when you were young, that you didn't look for those signs, and just jumped into the asking.

 

Even if you do get a gf, keep up with your hobby because you never want to make a woman the sole center of your universe and social activity.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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To give some context at first: 24m, employed (earning a lot over the average in my country), 1.66m (5'5), I'd say normal looking (idk how to rate this).

Until this age I've never had a girlfriend. I still live with my parents (in my country is normal at this age) and they are freaking me out, every time they are telling me "why don't you have a girlfriend, why everyone has a girlfriend and you don't? You are killing me, you want to kill me, do you hate us so much?" and I always feel like after such conversations. Now, it is not like I don't want a girlfriend (to be fair it would be a dream coming true) but I am really shy when it comes to women.

 

Alright OP, which country are you from? Your parents sound very erm... traditional, and I hope you don't mind me being blunt, ignorant. So, firstly, ignore that pressure, it is not helpful. If your parents are the type who can take a joke, tackle it with humour, like the next time they bring it up, just say, "yeah sure, I'll go order one from Cambodia now!" Communicate with them if they are the type to empathize with your struggle if they could understand it. My parents used to bug me about the lack of a girlfriend for most of my 20s, but I was able to defuse it with a mixture of humour and communications.

 

I think the elephant in the room that everyone is ignoring is your height. As a short guy myself, it is going to be a painful but unavoidable fact that 50-80% of girls will not consider dating you at all based on that one fact. Bigger guys are physically more dominant, which is biologically attractive. There is two ways you can face this fact.

  1. Accept it for what it is and do not take it personally when you get shot down. Think something along the lines of, "it is a shame that she will miss out on getting to know how great I am because she does not find short guys attractive. Oh well, it's not her fault, she cannot help who she feels attracted to."
  2. Become resentful and angry at life's inequalities, "I hate how women only like tall guys! It's not fair! This is BS! I give up..."

 

Obviously, option 1 is a much healthier mindset than option 2.

 

Having addressed the elephant in the room, onto practical steps.

 

  • Baby steps to begin with. As others have said, take up sociable hobbies like dancing to force interacting with girls in a non-romantic context. At 15 years old, I was painfully shy with girls. Then I went to a camp at a university with kids my age from around the country for two weeks. I found that I was able to talk to the girls in my group with no awkwardness at all, even though one of them was very pretty. We worked on projects, talked about life, went out in the evenings etc... I stunned myself with how sociable, like-able and funny I could be. In hindsight I believe it was because I felt no pressure, given I was the only kid from my school there, so nobody knew that I was shy or awkward, and because it was a two week thing, there was no romantic context to my interaction with the girls, and thus no pressure. But it proved to myself that pretty girls did enjoy my company and I am not out of place in their world, which is a big boost when you are insecure.
  • Work on yourself. It is great that you are already earning way above your national average at 24 years old and on course to buy your own house around 27! Whilst you definitely do not want a gold-digger GF/wife, men should be primary providers, so demonstrating your ability to provide is rightfully attractive. So, career-wise, keep it up! Also work on keeping yourself fit and healthy. Eat well, take care of your skin, exercise regularly.
  • Keep trying and don't take rejections personally. Three rejections by 24 is nothing! By 24 I had experienced... rejected by my first crush/love, pined for her for 3 years afterwards. Asked a pretty girl to a school dance, she said yes because it was rude to say no... but then she ghosted me all night and danced with somebody else. Got a date with a girl for what would have been my first ever movie-date... But then she found out I lied about my age (I was insecure about it and said I was 1 year older than I was) and she cancelled on me. Two girlfriends dumped me and got together with somebody else not long after. Two other girls rejected me. So yeah... you've had it easy :p
  • It does get better. I promise. Work on yourself, improve your confidence and don't be afraid to keep trying. Yes you will get more rejections, but cast a wide net and you will catch fishes! I'm only a little taller than you, I do not earn much more than my national average and I am average looking too... If I can do it, so can you!
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