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Ok so it's been almost 9 years since I came on here, it just popped in my head.. enotalone!

 

SO I've been with my bf for a year now, and we are still getting to know eachother's quirks and feeling each other out since we were doing long distance for most of our relationship. The issue I'm having is that, he is a great, warm, loving boyfriend, sweet and sings to me and is silly. He is such a genuinely good person, and I feel like the lucky one. But he is also a super laid back football player type that will kiss me in public but I have to initiate it usually. I always seem to interpret his laidbackness as rejection of me. What can I do to be able to receive his love the way he is showing it to me rather than always feeling let down if he's not all over me every second? I usually end up pouting and saying something like "you don't care about me" blah blah blah, I cringe at myself after lol. I need advice! I just love him so much. Like the undeniable, forever type of love, like I just want to be with him all the time and take a bite out of him love.

 

help

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When you love someone you accept them fully, including their differences. This is purely an inside job.

You get accustomed to the fact that he shows his love differently than you do.

 

My boyfriend is very demonstrative and affectionate. I can't possibly keep up with him. Yet, he's comfortable and secure with himself, so my style doesn't bother him.

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Is feeling anxious like this a pattern in relationships? Or are feelings of anxiety feelings you associate as part of love?

 

I ask because it's hard for me to suggest how to "reinterpret" something that you see as rejection as love, as I don't think "receiving" love from someone is a thing we can really work on. We feel it, or we don't, and based on that we make the choice to invest. How I see it, at least. I can break my brain a bit to learn Chinese, and have a smoother stay in Shanghai, but I can't break my brain to translate my girlfriend's language of being from one that goes from feeling distant to feeling close, if that makes sense.

 

That said, if anxiety is something you battle with maybe try to separate the two. So rather than focusing on the question of what you can do to "receive" his love, and seeing that as the path to inner stability, focus instead on what you can do to feel calmer in your own skin. Perhaps in addressing that you become more organically receptive.

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Football player type? What does that mean? Just curious. I have a very strong feeling you both don't know each other very well. Have you ever had a disagreement or disagreed on any topics? Aside from the fluttery/butterfly in your stomach feelings what else do you know about each other? He may be trying to please you so often you really have no idea what this guy is about.

 

You'll respect each other a lot more if you can appreciate your differences while still being in love with each other. I'd take it easy and don't worry so much about how you come across. You do sound anxious and a bit of a rollercoaster. Those are all normal in the first couple of years getting to know someone. If you're the one trying to please him all the time or appear attractive and loving 24.7 when what you really feel is annoyed and irritable, you're not being realistic with yourself. Don't be afraid to acknowledge your differences and not always see eye to eye.

 

You don't have to like him all the time either. Just respect each other.

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If your love language is Physical Touch, matching with someone whose love language is something else will probably always be a challenge you have to over come.

 

Is your BF more demonstrative in private?

 

I am also the type that feels just a tiny bit rejected when my BF sets a boundary with me physically... since we are generally affectionate otherwise I get over it pretty quickly.

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I wouldn't cause issues and drama over this. If your boyfriend is a very decent human being, appreciate his strengths in character. Nothing else really matters.

 

If he loves you and laid back, be grateful. Don't pout otherwise you'll be perceived as a spoiled little brat and no one likes that. Have gratitude in your heart and you will be a blissfully happier lady.

 

My BIL (brother-in-law) paws my sister in public and treats her as if she's his property. He's jealous if he doesn't receive her 100% undivided attention 24 /7, acts like a jerk with what comes out of his mouth yet he's publicly demonstrative by interrupting my sister with physical affection during her conversations with others. If she compliments others, he will deliberately insult, offend and disrespect the people she is talking to. He'll cut you down in order to chase you away. He's mentally sick and extremely insecure. He's some piece of work and a real loose cannon. My BIL is an extreme case. I'm just telling you that there are men who are all show publicly with affection towards their wives or girlfriends but NOT honorable men behind closed doors.

 

Hang onto your boyfriend and consider yourself lucky. Whenever anyone says that their significant other is "a genuinely good person," that person is a real keeper. Count your blessings.

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Please stop the self pitying whining and guilt inducing commentary. That will drive him away probably sooner rather than later.

 

I disagree. I think you’re really smart to be talking things out in here instead of creating an issue with him.

 

You sound pretty introspective and I’m guessing that if you decide you really want to, you can find it in yourself to play it cool and be relaxed and confident with him. You don’t need other people to act or behave a certain way to embrace and adopt those characteristics...

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You have to be direct with men. They can't read your mind. They respond to positivity, not pouting, anger, nagging, begging. If they care, they will respond to concrete requests (if it's a reasonable request).

 

Life's not a fairy tale where a guy will always give you the perfect gift, remember every anniversary, celebrate Valentine's day as you wish, say the right thing at every major occasion.

 

It's okay to ask for what you want. My husband's natural way to show love to me is in acts of service (he does a lot of housework and shopping and makes my life easier). He also is good about buying flowers at random, without a special occasion.

 

He does need a reminder now and then about physical affection, holding hands, caressing my hair, hugs, etc., perhaps because he didn't receive a lot of that himself in an abusive home. When he does it, it's okay that I asked because he's showing me cares by wanting to please me, even if he didn't think of it in the first place.

 

He likes compliments about his yard work and his cooking, etc., which doesn't come naturally to me but I make an effort because I care about pleasing him.

 

If you have conversations like: "When do you feel loved by me most?" You can get insight about each other and use it like a manual.

 

Grab his hand and say how warm it feels, and how much you love that kind of connection. Tell him that when he kisses you in public it makes you start having naughty thoughts about him. Don't you think that kind of behavior will illicit better responses from him than pouting? It's called the reward system. People will return to what makes them feel good.

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How did you meet? Why is it long distance? How often do you see each other? Why pursue a LDR when you "want to be with him all the time"? Perhaps being in a LDR is why you're starved for affection. Reconsider this relationship if you notice incompatibilities on top of the distance gap.

I've been with my bf for a year now. we were doing long distance for most of our relationship.

 

I have to initiate it usually. I usually end up pouting and saying something like "you don't care about me" blah blah blah. I just want to be with him all the time

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Speak in the positive to be encouraging rather than negatively to breed discouragement, or you'll come off as an exhausting whiner. Replace the pouting and complaining with, "I love it when you ..." or "I would love it if you would ..." as natural part of your vocabulary. Learn enough about him to offer trades with behaviors that are valuable to him in exchange for the behaviors that are valuable to you.

 

Using negativity to get what you want gets neither of you any place good.

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Ok so it's been almost 9 years since I came on here, it just popped in my head.. enotalone!

 

SO I've been with my bf for a year now, and we are still getting to know eachother's quirks and feeling each other out since we were doing long distance for most of our relationship. The issue I'm having is that, he is a great, warm, loving boyfriend, sweet and sings to me and is silly. He is such a genuinely good person, and I feel like the lucky one. But he is also a super laid back football player type that will kiss me in public but I have to initiate it usually. I always seem to interpret his laidbackness as rejection of me. What can I do to be able to receive his love the way he is showing it to me rather than always feeling let down if he's not all over me every second? I usually end up pouting and saying something like "you don't care about me" blah blah blah, I cringe at myself after lol. I need advice! I just love him so much. Like the undeniable, forever type of love, like I just want to be with him all the time and take a bite out of him love.

 

help

 

Yikes

Don't be that person that complains and says those things. I've dumped ppl for that reason alone. It's a big turnoff.

 

Also he shows his love differently, there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone wants to be making other ppl awkward in public.

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blacksheep

 

You need to revise your thinking. PDA is not the only nor the best expression of love. Some people don't like it. If your BF kisses you when you initiate appreciate that & stop trying to force him to be somebody he's not although you should take the suggestion for positive reinforcement telling him how much you enjoy certain behaviors you like.

 

he's not rejecting you. He is being true to himself. You really don't want him to change, do you if he did he wouldn't be the man you fell for.

 

Focus on the good stuff.

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I would not want to be with someone who was all over me in public. If things are great in private, i would be fine with that. i don't want a guy pawing me or tongue kissing out in public. Sounds like he is being respectful of you and not trying to "mark his territory" in public

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It's true that most women..........despite what the Love languages book tells you, need affection to stay in love.

 

Usually the problem relationships are where the guy pulls away from the woman when she makes affectionate advances, but that's not happening here. Still, he should give you those warm, hugs, and lingering kisses that excite you from time to time, just like the first kiss.

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  • 1 year later...

Update: We are still together... We had to keep doing long distance for multiple reasons and then also covid reasons. 

He recently moved in with me in my home that I own. We are past the stage where I have nothing but a warm tingly feelings for him and I was trying to be perfect all the time. 

We have some issues now though. He stonewalls when we have arguments and will not initiate any resolution without me coming to him first. Which is annoying after almost 3 years together. He wasn't paying rent because hes in the off season and also was lacking in the jobs around the house territory. Needless to say this all weighed on me a lot and when I'd try and bring things up he would gaslight me. I would read/listen to relationship advice and change my approach and nothing would change. Then I started reading narcissist podcast and reading articles and freaked the f out and started seeing his through this lens of narcissism, which started the ball rolling in me thinking ok, if its true he wont be able to change this behavior then I need out. I made a promise to myself that I would not accept this dynamic and have to deal with this for the rest of my life. The drama and blaming was a lot on me and my hair started to fall out a little bit and my blood pressure is high.

Then fast forward, I absolutely had it and was completely prepared to leave the relationship fully. I told him its over ina really calm way and asked him to please move out. I was serious. I had no intention of changing my mind and had several gfs waiting for the call that I had done it. He just walked away when I told him without saying a word, and when he returned avoided me. I initiated the conversation again and said do you have a plan yet etc. We ended up having a pretty dramatic fight, and then we had an 8 hour talk and now hes agreed to do all the things I said. Some of these things I explained are non-negotiables to me and I am prepared to leave if I do not have these needs met because I know that if I just let it go, years later we will be in the same boat again. I am learning to STICK to my guns and be completely ok with asking for what I need. Without the fear of being abandoned. 

If someone is a really great guy, means well, is helpful, has goals, we have a good time together, I love him so much, has a great family, no addiction or anything bad like that, will be a great dad one day. What if he shows narcissistic traits? Do we all possess some on some level? Or if he is one, but one of the ones thats not the controlling and mean type? Im so confused now as to whether I am overreacting and putting a label on him or if he is truly a narcissist. 

help

 

 

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He can only be diagnosed as a narcissist by a trained professional.  Googling or watching videos and deciding he "matches" the traits doesn't mean anything. I guarantee just about everyone will "match" traits of many personality disorders.

That being said, how comfortable do you feel knowing he only promised to make "changes" after you threatened him with eviction? 

Watch what he does over the next few weeks. See if he makes promises but never follows through.  If so, realize he only made those promises to shut you up and get you to let him stay so he doesn't have to find and pay for his own housing.

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@boltnrun 

 

I feel weird that it took me leaving for him to make changes too. Wouldn't you want the person you're with to feel happy and that their needs are being met? This was 3 days ago, and we are doing great right now. I am watching what he does and hoping he truly heard my heart and wants to step up as a man and do the right thing. I feel like this happens all the time in relationships and the man just goes back to his old ways. But this time for me is different if he doesnt like it he can leave. We've agreed to be totally honest about how we feel and communicate about things more. I said I would rather it hurt you a little in the moment and you hear it then me keep it in my heart, carry it around and have more hurt feelings later. We will see.

I understand the diagnosis by a professional thing. However narcissists dont tend to seek help, as they feel everyone else is the problem. He has agreed to go to couples therapy so if he is showing signs that hes not getting it, will the therapist tell me hes a narcissist or what? I'm really looking forward to having a third party to help us navigate our points because in the moment of an argument, I know that a third party would say to him hey, calm down do you hear what she is saying to you? etc. He tends to not listen and then interrupt constantly, and then try and use things I said against me and confuse me. Its terrible. And then I have to apologize. Go figure.

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If the relationship stresses you to the extent of hair loss and blood pressure increase, you must be under a lot of stress. No relationship is worth the harm to your health.

Gaslighting, blame-shifting and always wanting to be right in arguments, is emotional and psychological abuse, and these habits do not change easily. It may take years of therapy and he will be sliding back in his old habits, this is for sure. I think he will "behave" for a few weeks, will do some of things you wanted him to do , and then when you get to feel comfortable and happy, he will return back to his old ways, thinking "ok I have done enough, now can just be myself again." I do not think than one conversation will bring you the change that you desire.

How old are you both?

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1 hour ago, Blacksheep09 said:

He recently moved in with me in my home that I own.

Excellent. Look up the tenancy laws in your area or consult with an attorney. Follow the eviction process to the letter. He has legal rights so make sure you cover your bases. In the meantime sever all financial ties. Change all the passwords to all your accounts. 

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2 hours ago, Blacksheep09 said:

I made a promise to myself that I would not accept this dynamic and have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

How long are you planning to wait for him to change his behavior?

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