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How do you truly feel about this whole thing? Weird or not?


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Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

 

 

They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

 

 

The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, that all the women that lived there always told her what an amazing hourglass body she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

 

 

He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

 

 

And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.

 

 

Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook. I have a close friend that knows her ex bf and knows her as well and according to my friend she works on another even more luxurious building now.

Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it.

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Sorry for the confusion.

 

I'm of mixed minds—and, at the end of the day, you know your relationship better than anyone. Have you felt generally secure? Content? Do you trust him? Feel that things are in a good place? Or have there been some concerns?

 

I wouldn't mind some answers to those questions before offering thoughts about all this, how to process it and handle it.

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Do you think his values have changed since then as far as his focus on her physical features - he seemed to be very focused and intense about what she looks like. I wouldn’t worry unless he is still trying to date her. Let him cyber stalk etc. I would be concerned if he still seems to prioritize physical features and value them to the extent he used to.

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So are you two just watching Friends re-runs on Netflix and he pauses it to bring her up? It'd be quite strange if he were providing completely unsolicited takes on her looks. Or have you asked about her? Difficult to imagine any context within which he's telling you about how everyone thought she had a "perfect hourglass body." Were you asking him why she was attractive? Perhaps for my own amusement more than anything, just trying to wrap my mind around how these kinds of conversations happen between two actual human beings.

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@j.man Actually he started talking about her, it was on a weekend we were out, and all of a sudden he mentions her I don’t remember exactly why, this is when I found out who this woman was.

 

So the hourglass body topic came up when he was telling me that she was very insecure, and I asked why would she if she is so beautiful and has all men going gaga around her(did not make sense to me) so I told him, why was she insecure? Was it her body, did she not like something about it. And he replied : “ oh no this girl had a super body, some Russian ladies that lived in the building she worked in told her : ”oh wow, what a pretty body you have it looks like a coke bottle body.

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Well, what's on a person's mind will come out of his mouth. He sounds kind of stupid to think what interests him--a woman he went out with a few times--would be at all interesting to you. Going into depth about her attributes.

 

Does he like to incite jealousy from you, or is it just that he's just clueless that speaking of an old crush to you is a wise thing to do? How did God intervene on stopping them from dating? I, too, want to know how long you two have been dating and how you perceive everything else is going in your relationship. Have you established your own personal boundaries of if a couple can be Facebook friends with people they have a past romance with?

 

Maybe answering these questions will help us to give you some concrete advice.

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@j.man Actually he started talking about her, it was on a weekend we were out, and all of a sudden he mentions her I don’t remember exactly why, this is when I found out who this woman was.

 

So the hourglass body topic came up when he was telling me that she was very insecure, and I asked why would she if she is so beautiful and has all men going gaga around her(did not make sense to me) so I told him, why was she insecure? Was it her body, did she not like something about it. And he replied : “ oh no this girl had a super body, some Russian ladies that lived in the building she worked in told her : ”oh wow, what a pretty body you have it looks like a coke bottle body.

 

Why are you putting up with these tactless and rude comments?

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Well we have almost 2 years together this Feb 10th we will have 2 years, my friend told me that she feels as if he is trying to make me feel insecure due to the age difference he is 17 years older than me I am 31 he is 48, and is called gaslighting, some men do this to control woman.

 

My friend also says that to her opinion I am prettier, have a nicer heart and younger that this other girl. and this might in fact bother him or confuse him. Maybe he wants to use her to make me feel insecure.

 

And to be honest this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me( yep this is how powerful the mind is) now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.

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2 years - so that means you have to stay with a boyfriend who behaves this way? The "why" is for him and his therapist or his trusted friend to figure out -who cares why he is acting rudely - have you told him that you find it rude, off putting, tacky, objectifying of women? "Some" people do lots of things for controlling or for otherwise -so do you mean you like being controlled -turn on for you?

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Well we have almost 2 years together this Feb 10th we will have 2 years, my friend told me that she feels as if he is trying to make me feel insecure due to the age difference he is 17 years older than me I am 31 he is 48, and is called gaslighting, some men do this to control woman.

 

My friend also says that to her opinion I am prettier, have a nicer heart and younger that this other girl. and this might in fact bother him or confuse him. Maybe he wants to use her to make me feel insecure.

 

And to be honest this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me( yep this is how powerful the mind is) now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.

 

 

 

Oooookay, I've dated a lot of women in my time and have been with some who are incredibly attractive; however, it just didn't work out.

 

But - I would never talk about them like this to someone I care about.

 

Googling her image aside, this guy sounds like an imbecile if you are painting an accurate picture of him. I would be absolutely aghast if I made someone I am dating feel they need to compare to a previous person, yet it sounds like he is trying to make you feel exactly like that.

 

Why is a 48-year-old man discussing how attractive and beautiful some woman he used to date is to you? This guy is bush-league at best if he's 48-years-old and this tactless.

 

He tells you "she was always insecure"? Well, no s#it she was! Listen to how he talks about his past and how he is making you feel - I'd love to know her story and how she views him since she got free of "Mr.Negging his girlfriend".

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I hate to say it but your boyfriend is a tactless, rude and inconsiderate individual. Why on God's green earth does he have to mention this woman at all???? He should be aware, especially at this age, it is not acceptable, nor appropriate, to talk about this woman to you. Once was enough. Have you told him that that is such an insensitive thing to do? If he's so obtuse, mention it to him. He may be unaware of his ill-mannered tactics. That, in of itself, is pathetic. Why are you putting up with this bs? He is really messing with your mind.

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You know, just because you've been dating him for a year and 3/4 doesn't mean you have to sentence yourself to a lifetime with him.

 

Do you want to stay with him so you'll "win" over this woman who you are very insecure about?

 

BTW, a guy I dated used to tell me ALL THE TIME about how hot his ex wife used to be. He told me my body was similar to the way hers had been except she had, um, very large breasts (he used a cruder term) and told me how much he loved sex with her body. I felt he was telling me indirectly that my breasts were not big enough. Not a good feeling.

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And to be honest this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me( yep this is how powerful the mind is) now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.

 

I'm with Batya33; you seem to see what he is doing and why, so much so you literally admitted you don't even enjoy the relationship anymore, you just feel the competition. I know few women who would not have already called it off or at least confronted it - so do you have some kind of enjoyment out of being treated like this or is there a deeper fear that you can't find a better man?

 

I mean, he's brought it up so many times that you're now feeling you are competing with the ghost of a previous relationship/fling with a woman who likely now wants nothing to do with this guy because of how he acts and hence he's bitter towards her.

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Sorry this is happening. He's not making you do anything or transferring anything to you. The relationship has issues that you haven't addressed and you are using this mental catfight to find a place to put the blame/reason. You are playing a game of mirror-mirror in your head with a phantom. That is not "gaslighting", that is your obsession.

 

Forget about her. What is wrong between the two of you? Reflect on that if you want more peace. Your self-obsession is your insecurity, not his. Unfortunately your friend's theories are nonsense. Talking things through with a therapist would help you address what the real issues are.

my friend told me that she feels as if he is trying to make me feel insecure due to the age difference he is 17 years older than me I am 31 he is 48, and is called gaslighting, some men do this to control woman.

 

this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.

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It's called "curiosity" and I'm confused, Alexia as to why you are so insecure about a woman that he simply likes to look at. Clearly she can get a man that is better looking, has a better job, is more financially insecure than him so why worry about her? She's not contacting him and if he contacted her, she would likely not be bothered with him when she has so many options.

 

If he is showing you that he loves and values you and wants to be with you then don't worry about some chicka that wants nothing to do with him. Life is too short to be worried about some eye candy that he enjoys looking at.

 

If his narrative about her bothers you (I suspect it would bug most people) then simply tell him that you're not interested in what she's up to, who she can pull or how lovely her outer shell is and would he please stop talking to you about her. Then don't let him do it again. Just shut him down and change the subject.

 

YOU be the one to put an end to it.

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It's called "curiosity" and I'm confused, Alexia as to why you are so insecure about a woman that he simply likes to look at. Clearly she can get a man that is better looking, has a better job, is more financially insecure than him so why worry about her? She's not contacting him and if he contacted her, she would likely not be bothered with him when she has so many options.

 

If he is showing you that he loves and values you and wants to be with you then don't worry about some chicka that wants nothing to do with him. Life is too short to be worried about some eye candy that he enjoys looking at.

 

If his narrative about her bothers you (I suspect it would bug most people) then simply tell him that you're not interested in what she's up to, who she can pull or how lovely her outer shell is and would he please stop talking to you about her. Then don't let him do it again. Just shut him down and change the subject.

 

YOU be the one to put an end to it.

 

I agree with you that OP has to be the one to put an end to it but it's annoying to her to constantly have this woman thrown in her face >>> "The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, ..." So what?? If he likes to admire her/lust over her, do it but DON'T keep telling your gf. We are all human, we all have eyes and we can all appreciate beauty. Doesn't mean we should always mention it to our respective gf/bf/spouse.

 

After a while, it's gets old and OP feels frustrated that her inconsiderate BF keeps mentioning it to her. He should shut up and get over it. He's not a teen with raging hormones. Clearly this overgrown man-child has some issues.

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I agree with you that OP has to be the one to put an end to it but it's annoying to her to constantly have this woman thrown in her face >>> "The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, ..." So what?? If he likes to admire her/lust over her, do it but DON'T keep telling your gf. We are all human, we all have eyes and we can all appreciate beauty. Doesn't mean we should always mention it to our respective gf/bf/spouse.

 

After a while, it's gets old and OP feels frustrated that her inconsiderate BF keeps mentioning it to her. He should shut up and get over it. He's not a teen with raging hormones. Clearly this overgrown man-child has some issues.

 

That is why she should have shut it down a long time ago (and what I advised) instead of listening to him. I do not understand why so many women put up with BS they don't like instead of simply saying (as an example in this case) "I do not care to hear how you admire your ex and her looks so tell it to your friends and leave me the hell out of it. PERIOD.

 

If it annoys then don't tolerate it.

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That is why she should have shut it down a long time ago (and what I advised) instead of listening to him. I do not understand why so many women put up with BS they don't like instead of simply saying (as an example in this case) "I do not care to hear how you admire your ex and her looks so tell it to your friends and leave me the hell out of it. PERIOD.

 

If it annoys then don't tolerate it.

 

Spot on, my friend!

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I think it's normal to have crushes but the problem here is that he is very insensitive. It is just very poor tact in a monogamous relationship (and even polyamorous) to talk a lot about how incredibly beautiful someone else is etc. etc. And especially as he dated her briefly! Unless she's an actual friend then why does he still even have her on Facebook? I'm friends/acquaintances with a couple of my ex's but I don't see them much and don't ever talk about them "in that way". I understand sometimes everyone gets curious and Internet stalks but if your boyfriend respects you, he shouldn't talk about her to you at all and not have her on Facebook. It's just very poor form!

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