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Depression/alcoholic/ptsd boyfriend


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I’m stuck. I’m new to the dating world. My current partner and I met during work and we hit it off great. Many of my coworkers and my close friends (from work) warned me about him. That he is a train wreck and I shouldn’t invest my time with him. But during the time we have been together it was awesome. He treated me nicely (like a princess) always tried to make me happy and did everything in his power to do so. So I never took in consideration of what others had to say about it. Fast forward a few months after talking I noticed he drank a lot... way too much. And would sometimes call out of work or not even show up to work because he was so hammered. One time he actually came to work hammered and passed out while working... :/ soon he was fired for taking time off and not showing up. During the time he was under the influence he never was aggressive or shown aggression physically. I told him he needed to stop drinking alcohol and to promise me he will stop. I really do like him despite all his problems and issues he is genuinely a caring person.

Sorry if this is all over the place.

 

Fast forward a few months he ended up getting fired for “drinking” after promising he would never drink again. And if he did drink to break up with him. And instead of breaking up with him I decided to give him another chance and we decided that the DOM would help our relationship. The dom is a rehabilitation center for alcoholism ect. After a month at the Dom he came cleaned and even got shots to cure his cravings.

 

Present time, I started to notice signs of him drinking again. I called him up and he was slurring his words and admitted after multiple attempts to admit that he was drinking again for TWO days. And started bawling on the phone saying it’s his fault and he can’t help it because of his depression..

 

Now I’m lost I’ve never had this happened (first timer). And Im nervous if I leave him something bad will happen to him :/ . But I feel like I need to end it because we promised once again if he drank I would leave him.

So I feel like I need to keep my word but on the other hand I’m nervous what will happen next with him if I leave. I need advice please

 

I’m such a caring person I don’t think I can just straight up leave him but I don’t know what other options I have...

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You do sound a very caring person OP and I feel for you.

 

Unfortunately he sounds like he needs more help than you can give him. It sounds like he's not in denial over his problems but at the moment he cannot overcome his demons for whatever reason.

 

Is he having any treatment for his depression? Meds and/or therapy. If he' not then he needs to get that addressed pronto.

 

If you have had enough and want to end things then no one could blame you. As his partner you are his partner not saviour. You can only offer support. Not cure him.

 

If you end things and he does anything to himself then you are 100% Not to blame. It will be a choice he makes. His problems existed long before you came along.

 

I think if you stay with him nothing will change sadly. He sounds like he does have good qualities underneath it all as you said yourself but until he kicks his addiction and depression then you will always be unhappy.

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You are in over your head with this man.

 

He has serious problems you cannot help him with, and as you've discovered, promises from him mean nothing. This is the nature of addiction. A promise not to drink is an empty promise when the addiction is out of control.

 

Without meaning to sound unkind, you are profoundly confusing being caring with being codependent. The latter is extremely unhealthy and will keep you stuck in relationships that are detrimental to your own well-being. I realize you care for him in the sense that you want him to be okay, but you cannot save him from himself and you will pay a heavy price for trying to do so. I would end this, and if he threatens to hurt himself, call emergency services.

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If you are a caring person , you would leave him but before you do, tell a family member of his that you are leaving and therefore passing on the responsibility you think is on you.

 

In all honesty his attraction to you is because he can get away with his actions time and time again.

But that’s not helpful to him at all.

 

He needs to actually face his demons and face the people who are responsible for him. While you are around , he won’t do that.

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Sorry to hear this. You are not a rehab facility and dating us not social work. This isn't about "being such a caring person", it's about being a controlling and desperate person. Stop being a martyr and start reflecting on why you are doing this.

 

Telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is like telling the sky to stop raining. It's wishful thinking and believing that your say-so will change the world. All you are doing is enabling and facilitating his drinking making his serious issues a hobby or project of yours. Stop and walk away. He will be fine without you and make his own choices.

One time he actually came to work hammered and passed out while working... :/ soon he was fired for taking time off and not showing up.

I told him he needed to stop drinking alcohol and to promise me he will stop.

Fast forward a few months he ended up getting fired for “drinking” after promising he would never drink again.

I started to notice signs of him drinking again. I called him up and he was slurring his words and admitted after multiple attempts to admit that he was drinking again for TWO days.

I’m such a caring person I don’t think I can just straight up leave him but I don’t know what other options I have...

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I’m stuck. I’m new to the dating world. My current partner and I met during work and we hit it off great. Many of my coworkers and my close friends (from work) warned me about him. That he is a train wreck and I shouldn’t invest my time with him. But during the time we have been together it was awesome. He treated me nicely (like a princess) always tried to make me happy and did everything in his power to do so. So I never took in consideration of what others had to say about it. Fast forward a few months after talking I noticed he drank a lot... way too much. And would sometimes call out of work or not even show up to work because he was so hammered. One time he actually came to work hammered and passed out while working... :/ soon he was fired for taking time off and not showing up. During the time he was under the influence he never was aggressive or shown aggression physically. I told him he needed to stop drinking alcohol and to promise me he will stop. I really do like him despite all his problems and issues he is genuinely a caring person.

Sorry if this is all over the place.

 

Fast forward a few months he ended up getting fired for “drinking” after promising he would never drink again. And if he did drink to break up with him. And instead of breaking up with him I decided to give him another chance and we decided that the DOM would help our relationship. The dom is a rehabilitation center for alcoholism ect. After a month at the Dom he came cleaned and even got shots to cure his cravings.

 

Present time, I started to notice signs of him drinking again. I called him up and he was slurring his words and admitted after multiple attempts to admit that he was drinking again for TWO days. And started bawling on the phone saying it’s his fault and he can’t help it because of his depression..

 

Now I’m lost I’ve never had this happened (first timer). And Im nervous if I leave him something bad will happen to him :/ . But I feel like I need to end it because we promised once again if he drank I would leave him.

So I feel like I need to keep my word but on the other hand I’m nervous what will happen next with him if I leave. I need advice please

 

I’m such a caring person I don’t think I can just straight up leave him but I don’t know what other options I have...

 

I recommend that you search out Al-anon meetings near you and that you start attending them. You will find other people who are experiencing the same situation that you are in. It is actually very common. Also consider reading Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, which will educate you about the trap that you are walking into with this guy.

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You couldn’t have seriously thought making him promise you he wouldn’t drink anymore would work.

 

If all this was truly in his power, I doubt he’d willingly lose his job.

 

You’re codependent and a bit of a martyr, not a ‘caring person’ believe it or not the reason you don’t want to leave isn’t mercy, it’s because you ‘need’ him just as much as he ‘needs’ you.

 

You’re textbook.

 

I agree with the above poster, go to alanon read up on codependency and stop telling yourself you’re doing this for any other reason but your own demons.

 

Good luck.

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Now I’m lost I’ve never had this happened (first timer). And Im nervous if I leave him something bad will happen to him :/
This is YOUR codependency rearing its ugly head. I will go out on a limb and assume that either both or one of your parents were alcoholics or drug users and you've grown up thinking that its your job to caretake (the dysfunctional opposite of caregive) these addicts through life.

 

Your "current partner" was not worried about something bad happening to him before you came along and he will not be worried after you are gone. He is a lost cause and frankly you enabling him is selfish of you. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions before he wil ever be able to hit his rock bottom and get sober. If he was in a programme then they would have told him that he should refrain from being in any sort of romantic relationship for at least one whole year of sobriety.

 

You asking him to promise he would stop drinking shows how little you know about the disease and how codependent you are because you told him that he needed to stop to be with you but you continue to be with him when he hasn't stopped. Your words are empty and he knows it now because you didn't follow through with your boundary.

 

Get yourself into your own therapy or to al-alnon where you will be educated about the alcoholic and trained to let go of your own codependency.

 

This man needs to be without you in order to get healthy and you need to be without him to get healthy yourself so you don't pick men like him even after you've been warned about them and their dysfunction.

 

Google for an alanon meeting near you and leave him to figure that his drinking has negative consequences to his romantic life and his overall health... it's not your job to fix him but to fix you going forth.

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Hello he is getting treatment. He has daily meetings per week and is taking his meds as well.

 

Then leave him alone and let him get well on his own. Like some of have said, he should be without any sort of romantic partner while he is TRYING to recover. You are an enabler and you will do nothing to help him get well... that is his job, not yours. It's not like you are married and you are BOTH in family therapy so that you learn to stop your enabling nature and he learns what demons have caused him to be depressed and use alcohol to silence those demons.

 

To stay with him is selfish of you because you are too guilty to just leave and let him learn on his own. I hope you can see that. Don't let your inherent guilt in general make you think you staying with him is the right thing to do... It's not.

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I’m stuck. I’m new to the dating world. My current partner and I met during work and we hit it off great. Many of my coworkers and my close friends (from work) warned me about him. That he is a train wreck and I shouldn’t invest my time with him. But during the time we have been together it was awesome. He treated me nicely (like a princess) always tried to make me happy and did everything in his power to do so. So I never took in consideration of what others had to say about it. Fast forward a few months after talking I noticed he drank a lot... way too much. And would sometimes call out of work or not even show up to work because he was so hammered. One time he actually came to work hammered and passed out while working... :/ soon he was fired for taking time off and not showing up. During the time he was under the influence he never was aggressive or shown aggression physically. I told him he needed to stop drinking alcohol and to promise me he will stop. I really do like him despite all his problems and issues he is genuinely a caring person.

Sorry if this is all over the place.

 

Fast forward a few months he ended up getting fired for “drinking” after promising he would never drink again. And if he did drink to break up with him. And instead of breaking up with him I decided to give him another chance and we decided that the DOM would help our relationship. The dom is a rehabilitation center for alcoholism ect. After a month at the Dom he came cleaned and even got shots to cure his cravings.

 

Present time, I started to notice signs of him drinking again. I called him up and he was slurring his words and admitted after multiple attempts to admit that he was drinking again for TWO days. And started bawling on the phone saying it’s his fault and he can’t help it because of his depression..

 

Now I’m lost I’ve never had this happened (first timer). And Im nervous if I leave him something bad will happen to him :/ . But I feel like I need to end it because we promised once again if he drank I would leave him.

So I feel like I need to keep my word but on the other hand I’m nervous what will happen next with him if I leave. I need advice please

 

I’m such a caring person I don’t think I can just straight up leave him but I don’t know what other options I have...

 

Bottom line: you have very low standards and self esteem. This guy is a compete loser and train wreck. You need to understand what attracts you to this dynamic.

 

Get rid of the dead weight, and stop dating projects!

 

Get some treatment for your co dependence.

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Any treatment program would advise him to abstain from trying to start or be involved in a romantic relationship while he's in recovery.

 

He can't focus on you right now if he truly has a desire to stop drinking.

 

This^^^ Being from a family of alcoholics, this is #1 rule for sobriety. He doesn't need you, he needs a sponsor to take care of his emotional needs and support because they have been through it themselves. Him being with you is messing him up and preventing him from staying sober. Like anyone with addiction, they use relationships as their crutch, and the SO becomes the enabler. Even tho he needs support, he also needs to stand on his own two feet and take ownership and responsibility. He's way too much of a $%^& show. It's going to take him years, and you can't help him achieve his goal to be sober, he has to help himself.

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I used to have a drinking problem for 1.5 years after a really bad break up and mental health issues. I did hit rock bottom at the time, but I really wanted to get better. I did three detoxes, a rehab for a month, an addictions day programme for six weeks, and AA. It's definitely extremely hard to get off alcohol or drugs, but I really wanted to stop. So eventually I got off it.

 

I think some people can give up an addiction but the problem is they have to actually WANT to do it. And wanting to do it has to be for themselves and not for anyone else. If you give your boyfriend ultimatums that you'll leave and he tries to do something about it, it's not the same as him actually wanting to stop for himself. In my opinion unless that person strongly wants to quit in and of itself, any coercing by friends and loved ones can only achieve temporary results. As in, they only do it because you pressure them. But deep down they don't actually want to stop, so the cycle continues.

 

Look up "The Cycle of Change". I think your boyfriend isn't really in a stage of the cycle where he actually genuinely wants to stop drinking.

 

The problem with addiction is that the drug is always number one. So you are always competing with the drugs/alcohol and you are not your partner's main priority. Trust me, I've been through the same thing in a relationship.

 

Personally I don't think you should give your partner any more chances. *Maybe* he can change in the future, but this is what you have in the here and now. You don't actually have any guarantee that he'll be better because he hasn't shown you that he can (yet anyway). Also there is a big difference between "having a few too many" at a party and getting so drunk that you actually pass out at work and get fired! If someone can't even stop drinking before going to work, you can imagine how addicted they are.

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