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i think im in denial


skywonderlan
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I have been with my spouse for 5 years we have been through serious life situations together. in the past 2 years he has been caught several times talking to other females.he started acting different changing passwords being secretive and he has started to ignore me complete..... he now has made friends with some people that I am not allowed to know m he goes over to their house almost every day and is gone for hours.. he says dim not invited to go with him I cant even know where the people live because he has his friends and i dont have to know everything. he is always saying that Im always up his ass when I am not I tried to talk to him about these things and he never in 5 years has cared enough to just listen. i try to explain to him that when you live with somebody that yes your around that person a lot, and just because we are in the same hose together that if he is always non stop on his phone ignoring me then thats not use spending time together he disagrees.... to shorten this up this is over isnt it..... I should let him be and go on shouldn't I?

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Before I tell you your marriage is a sham I really think it’s beneficial to know your mindset.

 

Are you insecure because he’s distant or is he distant because you’re insecure?

 

It’s one thing to rebel against someone smothering your and attempt to get time alone, it’s another to be completely dismissive of your spouse to the point that they’re treated like a piece of furniture.

 

Which one is reality is the question.

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Let's be fair here...while it doesn't look promising, I know myself and I can honestly say that the way I deal with conflict can be avoidance. There are many times I dealt with issues by locking myself away in my room playing video games for hours--or going to the gym, or the library...because either I was feeling smothered or there was an issue I was avoiding.

HOWEVER, I can attest that the secretive passwords probably is something you won't like--could be pornography...could be having "emotional affairs" with women...he could be talking with them without ever having visited them---for me this is where I draw the line and go no further.

Is it possible he's cheating? Very possible. But you gotta talk to him and just be honest and tell him, straight to the point exactly your feelings. No mixed messages, no him trying to guess...just shoot straight....otherwise it WILL continue.

And until you have solid conclusive evidence I would do my best to trust him until proven guilty.

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Yes I'm sorry to say it sounds like hes being completely dishonest here. Even if by some minor miracle he isn't cheating he's still behaving completely inappropriately. I personally wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him.

 

I would end it regardless. Block delete and move on. He's no good.

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Let's be fair here...while it doesn't look promising, I know myself and I can honestly say that the way I deal with conflict can be avoidance. There are many times I dealt with issues by locking myself away in my room playing video games for hours--or going to the gym, or the library...because either I was feeling smothered or there was an issue I was avoiding.

HOWEVER, I can attest that the secretive passwords probably is something you won't like--could be pornography...could be having "emotional affairs" with women...he could be talking with them without ever having visited them---for me this is where I draw the line and go no further.

Is it possible he's cheating? Very possible. But you gotta talk to him and just be honest and tell him, straight to the point exactly your feelings. No mixed messages, no him trying to guess...just shoot straight....otherwise it WILL continue.

And until you have solid conclusive evidence I would do my best to trust him until proven guilty.

 

No offense but that is not at all a mature and healthy way to handle issues in relationships or life. OP should not tolerate that.

 

Also, the way you worded the second bit I highlighted does not make it clear which side of emotional cheating you draw the line. Emotional cheating is not as bad as physical cheating, but it should still be unacceptable to any woman who respects herself.

 

Finally I think the trust bit is irrelevant at this bit. Even if by some bizarre set of circumstances, he is not cheating, he is treating the OP with zero respect and consideration. She deserves better.

 

OP, end this and move on, and seek therapy to figure out why you tolerate being treated this way for 5 years.

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Is this an arranged marriage? How long did you date before you got married? How well do you know him? Does he do drugs? Does he have a gf? Or random sex with men/women? Do you both work?

 

Decide if you want to stay married. If so go to marriage therapy. If not see an attorney.

I have been with my spouse for 5 years we have been through serious life situations together......

 

he now has made friends with some people that I am not allowed to know m he goes over to their house almost every day and is gone for hours.. he says dim not invited to go with him I cant even know where the people live because he has his friends and i dont have to know everything. just because we are in the same hose together that if he is always non stop on his phone ignoring me then thats not use spending time together he disagrees.

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If you are in denial then you have been for 5 years.

You said in the whole 5 years he never cared to listen.

So , why exactly are you there 5 years later? And not discussing this 4.5 years ago?

 

What were the important life situations you have been through together? Deaths in the family, financial issues, what?

 

If you are not happy in your relationship after discussing issues and nothing has changed then get out of it.

What advice are you looking for here? How to get out?

If it’s to try and change him then forget advice because he wont change.

 

I hope you have the insight to know he won’t change and the courage to leave the leopard.

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he now has made friends with some people that I am not allowed to know m he goes over to their house almost every day and is gone for hours.. he says dim not invited to go with him I cant even know where the people live because he has his friends and i dont have to know everything.
I'm very sorry but I'm sure I'm not about to tell you anything you don't already know: This man does not love you and I too am wondering if this was an arranged marriage where you knew nothing of one another and were forced by parents and religion to tie the knot.

 

Where are your parents and have you spoken to them about how unhappy and emotionally abusive he is to you?

 

I hope you're not just a one hit wonder to this site because clearly you need lots of encouragement to help you get the courage and the suggestions to get out of this marriage. If you are reading please answer questions so that we can direct you based on more facts.

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No offense but that is not at all a mature and healthy way to handle issues in relationships or life. OP should not tolerate that.

 

Also, the way you worded the second bit I highlighted does not make it clear which side of emotional cheating you draw the line. Emotional cheating is not as bad as physical cheating, but it should still be unacceptable to any woman who respects herself.

 

Finally I think the trust bit is irrelevant at this bit. Even if by some bizarre set of circumstances, he is not cheating, he is treating the OP with zero respect and consideration. She deserves better.

 

OP, end this and move on, and seek therapy to figure out why you tolerate being treated this way for 5 years.

 

I didn't say it was healthy...I'm just saying it may not be as bad as everyone is making it seem.

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