hazza2019 Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 So this I need to explain the build up before I explain my predicament. I’m hoping I don’t come across as a monster. I’m 28 (almost) and my Dad died when I was 18. This was quite life-defining for me as I sought comfort (and what turned into a relationship) with a man in a wheelchair. He was kind and easy to be around and felt safe, which I needed at the time. 7 years on, we have two daughters- 6 and 4. A year into our relationship, when I got pregnant, his parents didn’t like it and my partner almost left me because they told him he wouldn’t manage. He left me in tears for 48 hours a week before Christmas holding our 7 day old baby. We managed to repair the relationship but his parents cut us out for 5 1/2 years. My partner and I have been comfortable and loving. But I have to be the Male a lot. (I lost a lot of blood during my first labour and had to carry the car seat out of the hospital because my partner was not physically able to as one example.) The linger we have been together, the more I have realised he is also unable to contribute intellectually as he struggles with budgeting etc and can often be quite naive and almost childlike about important matters. Ultimately, I feel like the only adult. This of course affected our sex life which became non-existent. (And this didn’t really faze him.) We have a mutual friend who has always supported us (moving/fixing things etc) and I know he’s liked me for a while. He got into a relationship and had a baby and we both met up about 3 years ago and started having a sexual relationship despite both having partners, because we were both unhappy on some level. I felt and feel alive and noticed around him. His relationship crumbled eventually (for multiple reasons) and became very toxic but he loved her and couldn’t let her go, even though she’d blocked him from her life and wouldn’t let him see his child. He has a dominant personality and can be quite unreasonable but he is also protective and struggled to separate from someone he loved. They entered a custody battle as she was an abusive parent and that battle has only just concluded. In this time, he and I have continued our ‘affair’ and I am still with my Partner. (I know how awful I sound.) Our youngest daughter has now been diagnosed with my partner’s disability. (She walker until she was 3 and then she stopped being able to.) My partner was told by his parents that he had cerebral palsy and it would not be passed on to his children. Since we have resumed contact with them (to find out about how his disability presented for our daughters sake) they have told us that he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy just to give his disability a label. So this was all going on while I was supporting my ‘lover’ with his custody/getting over his ex/he supported me too. Having this ‘lover’ in the background felt like something for me. That for those time’s i was with him, i could be the one who didn’t have to carry the heavy things and who could feel feminine and attractive. By this stage, I feel more like my partner’s mother and carer. Earlier this year, when things between my ‘lover’ and his ex had gone completely, he moved in with us for 2 months. My partner did not know we were having an affair but he is not the most observant. (I know I sound like a monster.) This time was the happiest, most exciting time I’ve felt for years. Then my ‘lover’ tells me he wants to be with me (it’s been six months since he was with his ex by this point) and that once he has his daughter, we could be a family. Part of me wants this, part of me is terrified. My partner is loving to our children but not able to have any boundaries at all. He’s like one of the children. My ‘lover’ is very alpha with the children but also very fair and affectionate and they like him. And he can help me with the constant wheelchair lifting/lifting my disabled daughter which isn’t easy. My partner and I have had so many bitter arguments because he’s switched off and has enough trouble getting himself about, let alone being able to help me with the children. So for about 6 months I have maintained this ‘relationship’ in the shadows with my ‘lover’ who is wholly a part of my life and has raised suspicions with my mother and family, a little. Which I have denied. (I know :/ ) saying I need to leave my partner but being too scared/feeling too guilty to do it. He is mine and my children’s financial stability an I still love him so much, but not romantically. We haven’t slept together for over a year. But he’s not too bothered. He makes the occasional hint but doesn’t get cross when I say no. He never gets angry with me. And he’s kind and well meaning, if naive and (I’m so sorry) but clueless about life and responsibility. My ‘lover’ is passionate and attentive, but also controlling and can be cold and passive-aggressive. I have tried so many times to cut contact with him but it never works. He’s frustrated too because he’s tried the same and we keep being pulled back together somehow. And everytime I don’t talk to him/cut him from my life I’m depressed and tearful. So he’s now told me that he cannot go on as my second boyfriend (I can’t bear this limbo anymore either) and that if I want to be with him, my partner has to move out by the end of November. I thought on it, and agreed. I was excited to be facing a real life, but also feeling sick to my stomach with guilt and sadness for my current partner. And now I’m spinning out. I’ve told my current partner that our struggles are too many and my body is tired- in 27 and full-time carer to two out of the four people in our family. Plus my other daughter. He was so kind and accepting, but he’s scared to move back in with his parents. I feel like I’m leaving him with nothing. And I love his company as a best friend, and I would happily see him everyday but ‘lover’ doesn’t like this. He’s accepting that my partner is my girls father but wouldn’t cope with us meeting up regularly. I don’t want to get lonely. My ‘lover’ has won the custody battle but must reside at his parents with his two year old daughter for a year. So he won’t be around that much but he’s making me leave my partner/company/children’s father for the times that he will stay over. He has also resumed contact with his ex to support contact between his daughter and her. But she has made comments and I feel she may be interested in him again and given how we started, I can’t trust him. But don’t want to show this. Hes assured me he is not at all interested in her but I just don’t know. My ‘lover’ is currently unemployed as he has his daughter. It’s all too much and I don’t know what to do or who to choose? Do I leave a stable, loving but boring and dead-ended relationship for a potentially volatile but excitement-filled one? Link to comment
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