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I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and emotional today. Struggling to focus at work. I guess this is mostly a vent.

 

1)

I found out last night that my dear grandma is critically ill. She has had a bleed in the brain and lost consciousness for several days. She is plugged into a ventilator for assisted breathing. She is in her 90s and the prognosis is grim. I was very close to her as a child, but I have had minimal contact with my extended family for most of my 20s due to my personal problems and the fact that I lived thousands of miles away in a different world.

 

Now I am facing the reality that barring a miracle, she will never see me get married and hold my baby. I am her youngest grand child and the only one to not be married or have children of my own. She was so loving and caring to me, I feel like such a failure of a grandson. I should have spent more time with her in my 20s, I should have gone back before she lost her sight and most of her hearing, I should have brought home a wife and great-grand child. (This probably sounds weird from a Western perspective, it is a Chinese thing).

 

I want to fly out to go see her one last time, but I cannot be away from work for more than a few days, and the awkward reality is that I do not know when she is going to leave us. I cannot just stay by her side until she goes. My uncles say that she is already not responsive, so it would be pointless to rush over now, because she cannot communicate and I cannot help with anything. I am left in the horrible lurch of knowing that I can either go see her one last time, or attend the funeral, but most likely not both.

 

2)

 

Jane and I had no contact for about a month, I hoped she was moving on. But she rang me again on Sunday, she tried to stay strong to begin with, but broke down crying again. She tried to make contact again today, said she wasn't doing well... I told her that I was struggling with my grandma's situation and that she should seek support from her friends instead.

 

It breaks my heart that she is struggling and that I am the one person who should not and cannot help her.

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I am very sorry to hear about your grandma. I think I would go anyway. Not responsive doesn’t mean she won’t know you are there. When my grandmother was in a coma dying when she heard my son’s voice she started to cry. She was aware we were there.

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Oh, Mirror—really sorry about all that.

 

I would go see her. When my grandmother was at the end I went to see her. She was unresponsive, and passed away a few days later, when I was back in my own world of work and life. My small, globally scattered family all came by—some of us only having a few hours to stand next to her and wish her well. I am a spiritual person, but without any firm belief system, though I do believe she held on a bit so we could all say goodbye, so she could say goodbye in the silence between worlds. And I know I'm grateful for that one hour of my own life, which involved some logistical challenges.

 

While I don't "get" the cultural component, I do think these moments invariably trigger some jagged reflection on who we are. It is, I think, as inherently human as it is Eastern or Western. Feel what you need to feel, but also trust that past all cultural frameworks there is the universality of human connection—that your grandmother has loved you for you, as you've loved her for her.

 

Just as this pain is yours to process, Jane's is hers to process. She will be okay. She really will. As will you. Internet hugs.

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I also am very sorry about your grandmother.

Having been raised in a family where grandparents had a major role in my upbringing I fully sympathize with your pain. Imo, you could do either, depending what feels "more right" to you. Imo, you don't have to stay by her side until she goes if circumstances do not allow it. You could go, spend whatever time you can, say your goodbye and go back home. Or you could attend her funeral and say goodbye that way. It depends solely on what feels "more right" to you. There is no right or wrong here.

 

Regarding not giving her great-grandchildren, imo, you are being too harsh on yourself and I say that coming from a culture where grandparents used to hold a similar place. However, that "duty" has already been fulfilled by her own kids giving her grandchildren. Great-grandchildren by all her grandchildren is unlikely something she pinned for and while I am all for culture, I think that no loving relative would have wanted you to do this just for the shake of them seeing it. I am willing to bet that she would far more prefer for you to have children when you find the right person, regardless whether she was there to see it or not.

 

P.S. 1. I would have loved for my grandmother to have seen me married with children too but I believe that if/when that happens, her spirit will. Their body may die but I believe that our loved ones' spirits remain nearby and act as our guardian angels.

 

P.S. 2. You did the best regarding Jane given both of your circumstances. Imo, it was another step towards both of your healing.

 

All the best.

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As a Navy wife, I did not live by family for many years. I was really happy to have spent quality time with both of my grandmothers several months before they passed, as well as doing the same with my father-in-law from my first marriage. I did not attend any of their funerals because of distance and expenses. I'm really happy it happened that way.

 

Kids are meant to gain independence and leave the nest, which means not always staying close in distance. It's an evolving world where old traditions might lessen, making room for new ways of living. Nothing in this world stays stagnant, nor should it. Best to concentrate on the positive, on what you did right in the relationship, because dwelling on something you can't change serves nobody.

 

I'd definitely go spend time with your grandma. She will appreciate your show of love to be by her side, giving her the gift of your time and attention. Take care.

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Just go buddy , do not go and stand at her grave with any more regret .

 

Talking of regret ...I get your culture is different to mine , however pain and regret is universal so let me tell you some snippets from my life . My dad died when I was 26 , many of my cousins and my brother had married and had children by the time they were 26 . The fathers walked down the aisle with them , the family had parties , the mothers cried , the children were born , the christenings then started , the family gatherings gathered for parties , anniversaries , milestones and everything in between ...........except for me lol I have never married , I am in my 50's , no one ( as in father/uncle ) will walk me down the aisle , infact there is one aunt left as the second to last had her funeral yesterday . My parents parents had all gone by the time I was 8 yrs old so there were no grandparents and no great grandparents for my child .

 

I was in the forces , I never really met anyone I wanted to marry , I chose to move round from city to city , baby under one arm , suitcase under the other and off I went .

 

That is life and now I look back I could break my heart if I let my mind go to too many dark places of regret ..so don't allow yourself to go there . You are no more a failure then I am ...we had different ideas about how we would live our lives and so we must accept and shoot down the seed of doubt .

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I would approach your boss on it. Singapore is not very forgiving on a lot of things and it's a workaholic/rat race mentality type of country but your employer may be sympathetic to the situation and allow you to fly back for a week (which is only 5 business days if you think about it). Is your grandmother in China or UK?

 

Is there anyone else who can cover for you or take on the most pressing items? I remember you are new to your position and you just left for your UK vacation in September. I would try to ask anyway if you are torn about it and if the only reason you're unsure is about taking leave. 4-5 business days is not long.

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Thanks for the kind words and advice everyone.

 

The latest update I have is that she seems to have stabilized a bit, as in not deteriorated further in the last 24-48 hours, but not out of the woods, and unlikely to recover.

 

I would approach your boss on it. Singapore is not very forgiving on a lot of things and it's a workaholic/rat race mentality type of country but your employer may be sympathetic to the situation and allow you to fly back for a week (which is only 5 business days if you think about it). Is your grandmother in China or UK?

 

Is there anyone else who can cover for you or take on the most pressing items? I remember you are new to your position and you just left for your UK vacation in September. I would try to ask anyway if you are torn about it and if the only reason you're unsure is about taking leave. 4-5 business days is not long.

 

My grandma is in China. My Mum, Dad and I are the only branch of our family to have left China.

 

My boss is relatively humanist (for local standards), but we do have a deadline coming up fairly soon on a project that is already behind schedule. It would be unrealistic to pass on my part to my colleagues, since they are swamped with their own stuff, and they do not have familiarity in the subject matter. I have been in touch with a cousin, she says she will keep me informed if anything changes. My current plan is to fly out on Friday night or Saturday morning, so that I minimize the number of working days I will miss. It is not ideal, but there is no ideal solution here.

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I'm just going to have a quick vent about something else that's bothering me. Maybe you guys will tell me I'm wrong or give me a little perspective...

 

I'm a bit annoyed by Kathy's behaviour with regards to my current situation, and it's leading me to conclusions about her being self-centered again.

 

I told her about my grandma in a short text on Monday night, but she was already asleep. On Tuesday morning she said that she was confident that my grandma will recover and see our wedding day. And then it was like she forgot about it all day, because she did. In the evening, I went to the company gym, partly vent off some stress and frustration, and ended up going home quite late.

 

She left messages saying she was waiting up for me to video chat, and was a bit annoyed that I had taken so long. When the call connected, I told her that I wasn't in a good mood, and she actually asked why! Once I reminded her, she was supportive and comforting, but it seemed ridiculous that she even needed a reminder.

 

I do not doubt that she likes me, wants to be with me, misses me when we are not together, is scared of losing me etc... but in my cynical mindset, it seems to be all about her sometimes, about her feelings, needs and desires, which just happens to involve me. If it matters, she had a bad relationship with her own grandmother (who neglected her because she was not born a boy), so perhaps she did not understand what mine meant to me?

 

In contrast, I told Jane (in very vague terms) about my grandma when she contacted me yesterday, and she checked up on me later in the day to ask about her (and me). I know she is probably (partly) doing it just in an attempt to hold onto a connection, but the contrast is so obvious.

 

Maybe my resentment(?) is an expression of my own frustrations, and not fair on Kathy? In any case I have not said anything or expressed any dissatisfaction. But I am starting to think that maybe Kathy is just as as empathetic as I am, and certainly less so than Jane.

 

I know empathy is on a scale, not an on-off switch. Has anyone been in a relationship with somebody who has lower empathy, do you think it makes them less kind? less capable of love? Am I just over-thinking things and being too judgmental and reading too much into minor things?

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First of all, I'm very sorry, MirrorKnight. :upset:

 

I agree, it's a good idea to fly out Friday night so you won't take too much time off work due to your tight schedules. I would visit your grandma while she's still alive as opposed to attending her funeral. She can hear your voice even though she cannot answer you.

 

When a loved one was about to pass away, I said to him, "Just go around the corner. I'll be ok and I'll catch up with you." He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes, couldn't speak to me but he understood my every word. With that, he passed away. It was so hard, so very hard. :upset:

 

Even though it's extremely difficult to say your last good-byes to her, know that both of you provided each other with priceless memories especially when you were a child. You will forever hold a very special, dear place in her heart for all eternity and likewise for you as well. That right there is something you'll always treasure. Look at the positives and cherish what both of you gave each other way back when.

 

If you're religious, pray and if you believe that her body is just a shell and her spirit will rise, then believe that for comfort. For many people, we believe that life on Earth is just temporary and there is a better place and new life elsewhere.

 

Oh yes, I've dealt with what feels like hundreds of non-empathetic types thus far in my lifetime! I've discovered those who lack empathy and have low to non-existent emotional intelligence (EQ), were on the receiving end of the same treatment whether it was from poor parenting, toxic, dysfunctional home lives, brokenness, mental and / or physical abuse over the years or decades and feeling overwhelmed by repetitive cruelty.

 

You can't teach what a person doesn't know. Or, they could've been sweet, naive and innocent once upon a time, they met and married the wrong person, abused to smithereens and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Some people were kindhearted long ago and then became tainted and corrupt due to their abusers and wretched environment. I've seen and heard it all and nothing fazes me, MirrorKnight. :upset:

 

I've noticed empathetic people and those who possess high emotional intelligence tend to surround themselves with alike minds. Their family and friends tend to be normal, loving, nurturing, caring, honorable, very moral, decent human beings or so I've noticed. You're a product of your environment and whom you associate with for years.

 

If all you know is meanness, hate, total disregard for other people's feelings, accustomed to habitual disrespect, deceit, betrayals, lies, manipulative behaviors, gaslighting and the whole lot, you become just like your perpetrators. If you lie with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

 

Yes, people who lack empathy are unkind. All they think about is themselves and it's all about them. They're incredibly self-centered and selfish.

 

I've also noticed that people who have insurmountable problems whether it's poor health (or a family member), shaky finances and train wreck personal relationships (3 biggest worries) are very miserable. Therefore, they'll engage in the "misery loves company" tactic on you. They want you to be just as unhappy and insecure as they are so they'll say anything to either make you angry, upset, sad or all 3. It's human nature.

 

You're not overthinking. People behave oddly and disrespectfully for a reason. It ALWAYS stems from somewhere and not a good place in their mind.

 

Some people are just indifferent. They don't care and it shows. It should not come as any shock. You'll become wary and jaded. What helps is lowering your expectations of others. If they're kind, then great and if they're not, most of the time it's actually considered the norm on this Earth. Don't put too much stock in people and you'll be happier.

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My shortest answer (not my strong suit) is that you are in a highly emotional state right now, and that such states are best recognized than reacted to. You just ended a relationship, and now you're dealing with family health issues. That is a lot, and it's going to spin the head for a bit.

 

Kathy, in all that? Well, I'm not sure if Kathy is someone you're quite able to connect with right now. When you were with Jane she was a catalyst for helping you leave Jane, and now, romantically, you're kind of testing that out. To add in how she is handling your grandmother's illness to that test—well, it's a lot to put on the shoulders of someone you've gone on handful of dates with. Seems her margin of error is gauged by the hour. These are needles I'm not sure any human can thread.

 

It's also a lot to put on your own shoulders. I say take a thousand deep breaths, so you can give yourself a minute to be you, and confront what you need to confront. Yes, these are the moments when we really need support, but asking someone we hardly know, and don't have a defined relationship with, to be that pillar? It's just a big ask.

 

I'm glad your grandmother has stabilized, and am happy you get to see her this weekend.

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I think this is a difficult time so don't make any big generalizations about Kathy right now. You don't want to go back and forth on her all the time. It's a rollercoaster. The ideas about a wedding are a bit cart before the horse. If you proposed to her somewhere I'm sorry I missed this.

 

If I'm understanding it properly or haven't missed anything... both of you are still getting to know one another. You're judging her as if this is a very long standing friendship and it hasn't been. You both didn't even know one another existed one year ago today.

 

Keep in mind not everyone knows how to deal with crises or illness in the family. Some people 'forget', others forget how to connect altogether, others hover and stress other people out. Just take it one day at a time. Don't nitpick at Kathy. You'll stress yourself out unnecessarily and now really isn't the time. If both of you don't get along, trust that you'll naturally gravitate towards other people, let go of chatting with Kathy so often. I had to let go of friends and some friends had to let go of me. It's all part and parcel of moving through life. Very sad and painful in the moment but it's not worth it trying to figure everyone out. You shouldn't have to. Just accept people the way they are and you do you.

 

My prayers are with your grandma (mah mah or po po?). Good idea on leaving on a Friday or Saturday if you can.

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First of all, I'm very sorry, MirrorKnight. :upset:

 

I agree, it's a good idea to fly out Friday night so you won't take too much time off work due to your tight schedules. I would visit your grandma while she's still alive as opposed to attending her funeral. She can hear your voice even though she cannot answer you.

 

When a loved one was about to pass away, I said to him, "Just go around the corner. I'll be ok and I'll catch up with you." He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes, couldn't speak to me but he understood my every word. With that, he passed away. It was so hard, so very hard. :upset:

 

Even though it's extremely difficult to say your last good-byes to her, know that both of you provided each other with priceless memories especially when you were a child. You will forever hold a very special, dear place in her heart for all eternity and likewise for you as well. That right there is something you'll always treasure. Look at the positives and cherish what both of you gave each other way back when.

 

If you're religious, pray and if you believe that her body is just a shell and her spirit will rise, then believe that for comfort. For many people, we believe that life on Earth is just temporary and there is a better place and new life elsewhere.

 

Oh yes, I've dealt with what feels like hundreds of non-empathetic types thus far in my lifetime! I've discovered those who lack empathy and have low to non-existent emotional intelligence (EQ), were on the receiving end of the same treatment whether it was from poor parenting, toxic, dysfunctional home lives, brokenness, mental and / or physical abuse over the years or decades and feeling overwhelmed by repetitive cruelty.

 

You can't teach what a person doesn't know. Or, they could've been sweet, naive and innocent once upon a time, they met and married the wrong person, abused to smithereens and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Some people were kindhearted long ago and then became tainted and corrupt due to their abusers and wretched environment. I've seen and heard it all and nothing fazes me, MirrorKnight. :upset:

 

I've noticed empathetic people and those who possess high emotional intelligence tend to surround themselves with alike minds. Their family and friends tend to be normal, loving, nurturing, caring, honorable, very moral, decent human beings or so I've noticed. You're a product of your environment and whom you associate with for years.

 

If all you know is meanness, hate, total disregard for other people's feelings, accustomed to habitual disrespect, deceit, betrayals, lies, manipulative behaviors, gaslighting and the whole lot, you become just like your perpetrators. If you lie with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

 

Yes, people who lack empathy are unkind. All they think about is themselves and it's all about them. They're incredibly self-centered and selfish.

 

I've also noticed that people who have insurmountable problems whether it's poor health (or a family member), shaky finances and train wreck personal relationships (3 biggest worries) are very miserable. Therefore, they'll engage in the "misery loves company" tactic on you. They want you to be just as unhappy and insecure as they are so they'll say anything to either make you angry, upset, sad or all 3. It's human nature.

 

You're not overthinking. People behave oddly and disrespectfully for a reason. It ALWAYS stems from somewhere and not a good place in their mind.

 

Some people are just indifferent. They don't care and it shows. It should not come as any shock. You'll become wary and jaded. What helps is lowering your expectations of others. If they're kind, then great and if they're not, most of the time it's actually considered the norm on this Earth. Don't put too much stock in people and you'll be happier.

 

Thanks for support and advice regarding my grandma. I am not religious, but I am not arrogant enough to think that there is definitely nothing beyond the science and logic of the world I do understand.

 

With regards to Kathy, I have decided to not jump to conclusions whilst I am clearly more focused on other things. It will take more time to get to know her better, it is not fair to make judgments based on one-off occurrences and in the shadow of Jane.

 

Kathy is generally quite affectionate, especially in person, and she does seem to care about me quite a lot. I think there might be some "lost in translation" going on too, because although I am more or less a native Chinese speaker, I am not educated and articulate in Chinese, so I cannot express and understand certain nuances very well. Take a very simple example. On one occasion I was a little irked when I said "good morning" and "have a good day" to her in the morning, and she replied, "ok". Upon reflection, Chinese people do not say "have a good day/morning/evening" in casual conversation to each other. If I say it literally in Chinese, it just sounds odd. She does however say other affectionate things quite often.

 

That said, at the risk of sounding like I am yo-yo'ing between two extremes. I think @bluecastle and @Rose_Mosse are right. This is not the time to be trying to figure out Kathy. It is far too early for any conclusions.

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I think this is a difficult time so don't make any big generalizations about Kathy right now. You don't want to go back and forth on her all the time. It's a rollercoaster. The ideas about a wedding are a bit cart before the horse. If you proposed to her somewhere I'm sorry I missed this.

If I'm understanding it properly or haven't missed anything... both of you are still getting to know one another. You're judging her as if this is a very long standing friendship and it hasn't been. You both didn't even know one another existed one year ago today.

 

Keep in mind not everyone knows how to deal with crises or illness in the family. Some people 'forget', others forget how to connect altogether, others hover and stress other people out. Just take it one day at a time. Don't nitpick at Kathy. You'll stress yourself out unnecessarily and now really isn't the time. If both of you don't get along, trust that you'll naturally gravitate towards other people, let go of chatting with Kathy so often. I had to let go of friends and some friends had to let go of me. It's all part and parcel of moving through life. Very sad and painful in the moment but it's not worth it trying to figure everyone out. You shouldn't have to. Just accept people the way they are and you do you.

 

My prayers are with your grandma (mah mah or po po?). Good idea on leaving on a Friday or Saturday if you can.

 

I have not proposed, lol... that would be a bit insane. I see her at the weekends and sometimes one evening during the week if we both have the time.

 

Most northern mainland Chinese people like me call our grandma "nai nai (奶奶)"... my family is a bit unusual (though not by any means unique) in that we call her "po (婆)", which I think other Chinese people use to refer to a different relation to my paternal grandmother.

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This is not the time to be trying to figure out Kathy. It is far too early for any conclusions.

 

The thing you'll have to observe, in yourself, is if you can not only "know" the above, but actually feel it. Timing is a real thing. I look back to when I started dating after my breakup vs when I met my girlfriend, for instance. I'd taken a hard 7 months away from romance: just did me, traveled, felt, reflected. Felt I was "ready," and in ways I was. I'd stopped replaying the tape of my past relationship and the swirl of feelings had settled—a scar, not a wound.

 

Still, those early dates launched my little brain into scrutiny mode. I had some fun, met some good people, but there was an edge to it all—an edge that had less to do with the woman across from me than me still settling into my own skin. The best person—i.e. the person I'm now in love with—probably wouldn't have been able to cut through that computational/emotional fog.

 

Flash forward 1.5 years and I'm going on dates—no scrutiny, no edge. Some are fun, others not. One of those people is particularly intriguing, and so one date becomes more than one. I wasn't trying to "figure her out," gauge her level of "care" for me, or really imagine what partnership would be like. I wanted one more conversation, one more night—the chips would stack up to a solid foundation, or not. They did, as they keep being stacked.

 

Lives have so many pieces, those pieces are always moving, and the moving pieces can knock over some pretty good chips early on. I share the above because seven or so months after I met my girlfriend her grandmother got sick, and died shortly after. They were so close. She was devastated, and is still processing all that. Aside from the basics of getting along, aside from her being a woman of striking fortitude and feeling—and, who knows, maybe me being decent and empathetic—we'd built enough of a foundation by then for that not to rock the boat. Had I met her two or five months later than I did—who knows? Had I met her a year earlier—no shot, something she also says based on where she was then.

 

So, timing. Just something to respect. As you said above, this is the time to focus on your grandmother (more internet hugs) and, I think, your own heart and spirit (ditto). That doesn't mean wishing Kathy the best and parting ways, but just recognizing the above as separate entities, rather than one thing, prioritized honestly. Maybe it all starts to gel into one thing, or not. Maybe you find it impossible not to conflate them all, which is human. Time, again, will tell.

 

Will be thinking about you this weekend.

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I think it's Singaporeans, not necessarily Chinese people. The culture in Singapore is abrupt and a bit crude. Sorry - I don't mind being frank about this because I was born there/lived there. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the context. We called our paternal grandmother mah mah (my dad's family from southern China). Po po for us is maternal grandmother. I've heard of nai nai also but we didn't use it or my grandmother encouraged us to call her mah mah/po po. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

 

What I like to do is light a candle, spend some quiet time, reflect, pray... celebrate your grandmother and all the memories together that you shared with her. Get back to a good place, a grounded place where you can feel/think/see things from a stronger perspective. Things are confusing when you're alone in a different country and feeling isolated, and especially when there are things going on that you can't control and feeling sad. I think you're seeing Kathy as the closest person to a friend right now and that is ok.

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I think it's Singaporeans, not necessarily Chinese people. The culture in Singapore is abrupt and a bit crude. Sorry - I don't mind being frank about this because I was born there/lived there. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the context. We called our paternal grandmother mah mah (my dad's family from southern China). Po po for us is maternal grandmother. I've heard of nai nai also but we didn't use it or my grandmother encouraged us to call her mah mah/po po. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

 

What I like to do is light a candle, spend some quiet time, reflect, pray... celebrate your grandmother and all the memories together that you shared with her. Get back to a good place, a grounded place where you can feel/think/see things from a stronger perspective. Things are confusing when you're alone in a different country and feeling isolated, and especially when there are things going on that you can't control and feeling sad. I think you're seeing Kathy as the closest person to a friend right now and that is ok.

 

Thanks for your encouragement.

 

I think you are right. For various reasons, I have never really had a close and stable group of friends. Individuals, yes, but scattered across the world. So I guess I do crave friendship as much as romance, and unwittingly I am sometimes expecting Kathy to be the constant in my life that Jane was. Clearly that is unfair.

 

I don't think her behaviour can be attributed to Singapore, she has not been here long enough to be so influenced by the city. Singapore reminds me a little of London, very multicultural, crowded and fast-paced. I don't see it as rude, so much as "not friendly". Like in the UK, strangers in small northern towns would not hesitate to strike up a friendly conversation on a bus... but you try to chat to strangers on the London Underground, people look at you like you escaped a mental hospital. lol Oh and the drivers in London... lol

 

So far I feel there is a contrast between Kathy in person and "online Kathy", but I will take my time to get to know her and see if it is a compatibility issue or just my own projections/issues. It occurs to me that this is my first relationship not conducted in English since I was 19, and that relationship with a mainland Chinese girl did not last very long, in part due to cultural and communication differences. I am a wiser and more patient person now, so it is not doomed to fail this time, but it is an issue that I think I underestimated, just because I think of myself as a native Chinese speaker.

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From what you've written Jane made you her entire life, her heart, her soul, her sole reason for existing. You were (are?) the center of her universe.

 

Do you think a part of you misses that? Maybe wishes Cathy viewed you the same way?

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From what you've written Jane made you her entire life, her heart, her soul, her sole reason for existing. You were (are?) the center of her universe.

 

Do you think a part of you misses that? Maybe wishes Cathy viewed you the same way?

 

I would not go so far as "her sole reason for existing", but she did go from centering her life around her family to me.

 

Do I miss it? Not to the extent that Jane was dependent on me, because I found it suffocating. I am a single child, I have been accustomed to a degree of independence all my life. But I do miss the certainty of knowing where I stood with her, and I guess the comfort of knowing that I am loved, pretty much unconditionally.

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You're not going to always get along... Kathy sounds like a good friend. I'd enjoy the friendship first before thinking of anything wedding-related or permanent. I know you were not speaking about Kathy in particular earlier regarding wedding bells but just sharing thoughts and how sad you felt earlier.

 

The vibes between you and Kathy are a bit serious right now - do you think there's any way to lighten that up a bit? I don't know - laugh more or joke around? She seems very serious and you also seem like a very serious man. It feels heavy here between the both of you. I'm feeling a lot of pressure. You're going through other things right now and it's ok to feel sad. With Kathy, I'd keep things light and fun. If it's a constant chore doing this and she's more of a dark or oppressive personality even in her cluelessness or mistakes maybe you both might not work very well together.

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Update: My grandma has passed away in her sleep last night. I was able to say my goodbyes before she did, so I'm very glad I made the trip this weekend.

 

I've been quite emotional, sometimes surprisingly calm even as other people cried around me, but then I'd just start tearing up for no apparent reason by myself. My rational brain is saying that she died in her 90s, surrounded by love and family, at the end of a happy and fulfilled life, so I should not be sad... but it's easier said than done.

 

Life, however, must go on.

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I'm so very sorry to hear about your grandmother. My grandparents passed away when I was in my mid 20s. They got to be great grandparents to 3 of my sibling's children. My mother is a great grandmother of 4 children now because my sister started so young. I also was close for a time with my husband's grandmother who passed away 20 years ago -it was so so hard on him and still is especially since his mother -her daughter- also passed away.

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