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I split up with my ex husband five years ago, we were both young and he wasn’t ready for commitment. He needed to mature and we both needed to find out who we were. I’ve always thought about him but was scared to get in touch in case it was the wrong thing to do.

 

A couple of months ago I finally got the courage up though. I sent him an email and he replied to me within a few hours. We then exchanged numbers and have been messaging pretty much every day for the past couple of the months. We met up for the first time last week, it was only a quick coffee as he was on his lunch break. It went really well though, no awkward silences and although we were both really nervous beforehand we both agreed it was good to see each other. We messaged after and both of us had the same thought of wanting to give the other a hug but we both held back as we worried the other one would feel weird.

 

Since meeting up we are still messaging regularly, mainly about day to day things. He hasn’t said anything to me about having a girlfriend but I’m sure he has. I really want us to meet up again and am going to see if I can arrange a longer meeting next week.

 

Is a reconciliation possible after all this time or am I just going to get myself hurt again?

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Well it's definitely possible and in fact, the length of time apart is actually in your favour here (Bataya will back me on this :) )

 

Sounds like it's going ok. Just continue to have fun meetups and don't try to pressure or force anything. If it's going to come back together it will do so easily and organically...

 

A caveat though: I don't think you should be having too high expectations at this stage otherwise yes you could be setting yourself up for another round of rejection/pain. Perhaps just see it as catching up with someone you care about....People are so afraid of the dreaded 'friendzone' but it's probably a good place to start...

 

As for him having a GF, that may be something you will need to find out asap as it could steer the course of how you proceed....Just be honest and ask him yeh?

 

I seem to have a habit of posting on threads that don't go much further, but I'd love to hear how it works out for you.....

 

All The Best

 

Carus*

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It depends on your and his intentions. He has a gf? Does he think this was just friends catching up? You need to stop chitchatting until you are clear on what you want and what his position on all this is. Why go through a messy divorce only to have a text buddy? It may be best to date other men.

I split up with my ex husband five years ago.We met up for the first time last week, it was only a quick coffee as he was on his lunch break. Since meeting up we are still messaging regularly, mainly about day to day things. He hasn’t said anything to me about having a girlfriend but I’m sure he has.
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Did you know that at least 10% of divorced couples remarry each other?

 

A friend of mine remarried her first husband after being divorced for 20 years - they'd only reconnected after each had married someone else and divorced. It's kind of a cool story. Tina and I met up one day and she told me she'd gotten a call from a high school friend who told her Kurt, her first husband (they married right after high school) had died. She said, "no, he's not dead. If he were dead, I'd feel it." There was a memorial service at their former home town and everything. Tina refused to go - she said it was ridiculous and she wasn't going to take part in it. Everyone said she was out of her mind.

 

So, this friend had called Kurt's number in Texas. Kurt and a friend were playing computer games. Kurt was at the controls when the phone rang. His friend answered the call.

 

Friend: Kurt, someone wants to talk to you. What do you want me to tell him?

 

Kurt (whose character at that time had just been shot and killed): I died.

 

A moment later, Kurt asks who was on the phone. His friend said, "I don't know. He didn't leave his name."

 

"What did you tell him?"

 

"That you died."

 

It was months later that Kurt called his old high school buddy back in Illinois. They had a great laugh about what happened. Kurt asked how many people showed up at his memorial service and his friend said all their high school friends were there, except for Tina - she refused to believe he was dead. Kurt said, "do you have her number?" Two weeks later, Kurt was in town and he and Tina met up for coffee. And the rest is history. My ex-husband and I were the witnesses at their re-marriage.

 

Yes, it's possible.

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Well it's definitely possible and in fact, the length of time apart is actually in your favour here (Bataya will back me on this :) )

 

Sounds like it's going ok. Just continue to have fun meetups and don't try to pressure or force anything. If it's going to come back together it will do so easily and organically...

 

A caveat though: I don't think you should be having too high expectations at this stage otherwise yes you could be setting yourself up for another round of rejection/pain. Perhaps just see it as catching up with someone you care about....People are so afraid of the dreaded 'friendzone' but it's probably a good place to start...

 

As for him having a GF, that may be something you will need to find out asap as it could steer the course of how you proceed....Just be honest and ask him yeh?

 

I seem to have a habit of posting on threads that don't go much further, but I'd love to hear how it works out for you.....

 

All The Best

 

Carus*

 

Agreed! Just be honest and you won't have to make guesses or assumptions on the relationship status.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well we met up again last Friday. Just at lunchtime again but I thought it went well, we both felt much more relaxed this time and had lots to talk about. We hugged goodbye and as I walked away he said he’d see me soon.

We messaged a few times after, he said the meet up this time was much better than the last time. I haven’t heard anything from him since Sunday though so no idea what’s going on! I sent him a message on Tuesday just asking how his week was going and he hasn’t replied, it’s odd as he’s not gone so long without messaging me since we’ve been back in contact. We were just chatting in the last few messages so I can’t think I’ve done anything to upset him/scare him off. I don’t want to message him again and annoy him though. I’ll wait until tomorrow and if I still haven’t heard I’ll message asking if he’s alright.

 

Don’t know where I stand at the moment, just can’t understand the sudden silence.

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Are you legally divorced? Why did you get divorced? Do you mean breakup/bf or husband/divorce? Are you separated? What is the situation? Does he have a gf or is he remarried?

 

Why haven't you dated anyone else in Five Years? Keep in mind you are chasing him, he has not pursued you, so yes this won't go as you are hoping.

I split up with my ex husband five years ago, we were both young and he wasn’t ready for commitment. We met up for the first time last week, it was only a quick coffee as he was on his lunch break.
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Don’t know where I stand at the moment, just can’t understand the sudden silence.

.....said just about everyone who's ex came back around....

 

Sorry but I've seen this happen SO many times. The ex comes back around, intrigued, nostalgic perhaps, and then starts to pull away again....I've never had it happen to me but I've seen how it can reopen old wounds and confuse the hell out of the poor person...

 

And so:

I’ll wait until tomorrow and if I still haven’t heard I’ll message asking if he’s alright.

He's fine....I would just put it aside for now and carry on doing what you've been doing....

 

The less you can care about the outcome, the more emotionally stable you will be*

 

Plus, don't make it TOO easy for him to just waltz back into your life. I've seen that backfire too....Although, who broke up with who? And please don't say it was mutual. There's always one person making that final decision and one person more upset than the other....

 

And remember, YOU'RE the prize here :)

 

Carus*

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Well it's definitely possible and in fact, the length of time apart is actually in your favour here (Bataya will back me on this :) )

 

Sounds like it's going ok. Just continue to have fun meetups and don't try to pressure or force anything. If it's going to come back together it will do so easily and organically...

 

A caveat though: I don't think you should be having too high expectations at this stage otherwise yes you could be setting yourself up for another round of rejection/pain. Perhaps just see it as catching up with someone you care about....People are so afraid of the dreaded 'friendzone' but it's probably a good place to start...

 

As for him having a GF, that may be something you will need to find out asap as it could steer the course of how you proceed....Just be honest and ask him yeh?

I seem to have a habit of posting on threads that don't go much further, but I'd love to hear how it works out for you.....

 

All The Best

 

Carus*

 

Carus gives some great advice!

I agree with him - you need to find out about the partner situation asap.

Just be straight up and ask him.

Can you be friends with him if he's got someone else? Will that damage you in any way?

 

Good luck with your pursuits!

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Well he did reply to me on Thursday in the end, I just get panicky and overthink everything.

 

We’ve had a couple of longish text conversations since then. Hopefully meeting for lunch next Monday but he’s really busy with it being Christmas so trying to organise anything at the weekend is proving impossible so it’ll most likely be after Christmas before we get any proper length of time together.

 

I will ask him about the partner situation when I next see him as I think it’s something better discussed face to face. I don’t find text message conversations that great, it’s easy to ignore things you’ve been asked and so easy to read into things too much.

 

He generally always seems quite keen to message me (apart from last week!) he definitely was quieter with me after we last met but I don’t know if that’s because he has a lot on at the moment. I’m just trying not to rush into things and have time to get know each other again before I start talking about more serious things. I’m worried if I leap in there too soon I’ll scare him off but you can never really know what someone else is thinking! He is glad we’re back in contact but I think it’s all just taken him by surprise so I’m giving him time to get used to it all.

 

I think if he was totally fed up with me he wouldn’t keep messaging me so I’m taking it as positive that he’s taking the time to chat to me. I know I can’t expect too much too soon but it’s difficult.

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He hasn’t said anything to me about having a girlfriend but I’m sure he has.
Don't you think it would be a good idea to find out if he has a boyfriend and do it before

I really want us to meet up again and am going to see if I can arrange a longer meeting next week.

You are wanting do over with a guy that you don't even know is single. To continue on pursuing him when he may be in a relationship is not only detrimental to your own emotional health but it's also a crappy thing to be doing on any partner he may have when you're goal clearly isn't platonic friendship.

 

If you say you just want to be friends if you can't be in a romantic relationship then you're just lying to yourself because you already sound far too keen to be with him romantically.

 

I will ask him about the partner situation when I next see him
Uhm, no don't do that, instead ask him during text next time HE initiates. Keep yourself away from him until you know he's available to be seen is my advice.

 

I think it’s something better discussed face to face. I don’t find text message conversations that great, it’s easy to ignore things you’ve been asked and so easy to read into things too much.
Normally I would agree with you but a simple. "BTW, do you have a girlfriend or otherwise in a relationship? I forgot to ask you that last time we talked" will require either a yes or a no and will give you what you need to either proceed or fade.
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Sorry to hear this. Nobody is that busy. He may sense your loneliness and that you want to get together. However he doesn't sound that keen on reconciling. Stop all the text discussions. He could be texting from his gf's bathroom. Stop.

he’s really busy

I don’t find text message conversations that great

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Don't you think it would be a good idea to find out if he has a boyfriend and do it before You are wanting do over with a guy that you don't even know is single. To continue on pursuing him when he may be in a relationship is not only detrimental to your own emotional health but it's also a crappy thing to be doing on any partner he may have when you're goal clearly isn't platonic friendship.

 

If you say you just want to be friends if you can't be in a romantic relationship then you're just lying to yourself because you already sound far too keen to be with him romantically.

 

Uhm, no don't do that, instead ask him during text next time HE initiates. Keep yourself away from him until you know he's available to be seen is my advice.

 

Normally I would agree with you but a simple. "BTW, do you have a girlfriend or otherwise in a relationship? I forgot to ask you that last time we talked" will require either a yes or a no and will give you what you need to either proceed or fade.

 

Great advice here!

Let HIM initiate the conversation.

Then ask him about his relationship status.

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