Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

[Cherylyn]

I think I need to try not blame myself and try be in the mindset that there isnt more that I could have done and try be positive and one day the right man will be there

 

If you can't do anything about it then let it go. Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change. Bravely and courageously move on with your life.

[LSL]

Yeah I'm just finding it hard as we do work in the same building not the same office

[Batya33]

Yeah I'm just finding it hard as we do work in the same building not the same office

 

Same building is challenging but of course not as as the same office -you have options to avoid him now, at your kind of vulnerable time. Of course it's hard -I imagine it is. You can do this.

[LSL]

Thank you for the support I just feel so down and upset but my family and friends have been there to Support me, its just the thought of him not feeling that same way about me anymore just hurts

[MirrorKnight]

Once you are over him, how he feels about your breakup is irrelevant.

[LaHermes]

"....he told me he is not interested anymore and would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me."

 

LSL. Why would you care what the individual who said this is thinking or feeling?

 

He plainly said he'd rather be elsewhere than be with you. What's to love about that!

 

He never felt what you describe as "the same way" at any time, because otherwise he would have decently told you far sooner than six years that he did not wish to proceed with the relationship. You lived in a smoke and mirrors zone, LSL. You did everything for him in the hope that would keep him, and that tactic did, until now. But a well-adjusted relationship isn't about one giving and giving and the other taking and taking. there was no "same way". At any given time he simply said the first thing that came into his head, much as he did a month ago when talking about having children. To me that sounds insane.

 

Try not to keep renting him space inside your head. He never did and doesn't want that tenancy.

[LSL]

Yeah your right so sorry to go on about it been driving myself crazy about the things hes said about me and it's nice to hear from other people their views on it, I think the part which he said he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me really hurt and when he said he is not interested whatsover anymore breaks my heart

[Batya33]

My wise mother told me in an analogous situation when a dear friend seemed to have ghosted - "if she really would just ignore you rather than speak to you about what is bothering her (and I knew we'd had no falling out, I hadn't offended her to best of my knowledge) then do you really want her as a friend?" Same thing here - someone who would say something that insensitive and thoughtless and unnecessary in a vacuum isn't worth knowing. Now, if you'd pushed and pressured him to stay with you and he blurted it out it's still jerky but context is everything of course.

[LaHermes]

I think the part which he said he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me really hurt and when he said he is not interested whatsover anymore breaks my heart

 

LSL. I truly feel for you. That is a hurtful and most unpleasant thing to say. Not to mention his other remarks about "naive" and "boring". Then again, the true colours do eventually show through.

 

LSL. IMO it is important you address the anxiety. Anxiety triggers rumination and circular thinking, which are highly exhausting.

[LSL]

I know like how do you even deal with that? How do I get over those words?

[LSL]

I didnt beg him once or pressurise him to stay with me

[bluecastle]

I know like how do you even deal with that? How do I get over those words?

 

Here's a start:

 

Do you know what kind of people complain about being bored, be it by a person or a vacation or literally anything? Boring people. Only boring people get bored. So how to process those words? That you were broken up with by a boring human being who is bored with himself. It's science, really, not some mental trick to boost you up.

 

In summary, to be repeated like a mantra: Boring people get bored. Non-boring people do not get bored.

[LSL]

Yeah def I dont think I'm a boring person my friends family work colleagues told me I'm always a good laugh and Have my head screwed on

[Wiseman2]

When breakups happen people push people away and say mean things. Stop ruminating about whatever he said, get him off the pedestal.

 

Can you use the "Reply with quote" feature so people know who you are responding to? Have you made an appt with a therapist/doctor to sort some of this out?

Yeah def I dont think I'm a boring person my friends family work colleagues told me I'm always a good laugh and Have my head screwed on

[LSL]

Here's a start:

 

Do you know what kind of people complain about being bored, be it by a person or a vacation or literally anything? Boring people. Only boring people get bored. So how to process those words? That you were broken up with by a boring human being who is bored with himself. It's science, really, not some mental trick to boost you up.

 

In summary, to be repeated like a mantra: Boring people get bored. Non-boring people do not get bored.

 

Thank you that makes me feel a bit better

[LSL]

Here's a start:

 

Do you know what kind of people complain about being bored, be it by a person or a vacation or literally anything? Boring people. Only boring people get bored. So how to process those words? That you were broken up with by a boring human being who is bored with himself. It's science, really, not some mental trick to boost you up.

 

In summary, to be repeated like a mantra: Boring people get bored. Non-boring people do not get bored.

 

When breakups happen people push people away and say mean things. Stop ruminating about whatever he said, get him off the pedestal.

 

Can you use the "Reply with quote" feature so people know who you are responding to? Have you made an appt with a therapist/doctor to sort some of this out?

 

Yeah I have started seeing a therapist to try and help me with my self confidence and these issues

[LSL]

Here's a start:

 

Do you know what kind of people complain about being bored, be it by a person or a vacation or literally anything? Boring people. Only boring people get bored. So how to process those words? That you were broken up with by a boring human being who is bored with himself. It's science, really, not some mental trick to boost you up.

 

In summary, to be repeated like a mantra: Boring people get bored. Non-boring people do not get bored.

 

When breakups happen people push people away and say mean things. Stop ruminating about whatever he said, get him off the pedestal.

 

Can you use the "Reply with quote" feature so people know who you are responding to? Have you made an appt with a therapist/doctor to sort some of this out?

 

"....he told me he is not interested anymore and would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me."

 

LSL. Why would you care what the individual who said this is thinking or feeling?

 

He plainly said he'd rather be elsewhere than be with you. What's to love about that!

 

He never felt what you describe as "the same way" at any time, because otherwise he would have decently told you far sooner than six years that he did not wish to proceed with the relationship. You lived in a smoke and mirrors zone, LSL. You did everything for him in the hope that would keep him, and that tactic did, until now. But a well-adjusted relationship isn't about one giving and giving and the other taking and taking. there was no "same way". At any given time he simply said the first thing that came into his head, much as he did a month ago when talking about having children. To me that sounds insane.

 

Try not to keep renting him space inside your head. He never did and doesn't want that tenancy.

 

Yeah your right so sorry to go on about it been driving myself crazy about the things hes said about me and it's nice to hear from other people their views on it, I think the part which he said he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me really hurt and when he said he is not interested whatsover anymore breaks my heart

[LaHermes]

LSL. Glad you are seeing a therapist. His/her help will be invaluable.

 

As for the "boring" accusation, that is what is known as projection.

 

Just to remark that mean people say mean things. There is no need to be offensive to the "other". Your ex, if he were a decent well-adjusted individual would have called off the "relationship" in a calm and forthright manner years ago.

[LSL]

Yeah the therapist has been helping me and change my mindset too and was saying he seems immature

[LaHermes]

LSL. Immature is putting it kindly. I don't know whether you mentioned his age here?

 

Make sure you hone your radar, with the therapist's help, and you will get your self-worth back.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. However most of these red flags were missed, including at his age living off family, etc.

LSL. Immature is putting it kindly. I don't know whether you mentioned his age here?Make sure you hone your radar, with the therapist's help, and you will get your self-worth back.

You don't need to change for him and his opinions on your incompatibility are his issues. In fact you may have tried a bit to hard to make it work. When trying to heal, it's important to reflect on the martyrdom, it suggests you were over-invested.

 

Therapy would be a great place to unpack and sort all this out and get a handle on whatever anxiety there is. In time you'll realize he just wasn't the one for you. Never pressure anyone to be with you. You could have spared yourself some pain had you left the first time he indicated he lost his feelings.

 

All you can do is watch for red flags next time that were missed.

🚩30 y/o man lives with his mother/off his parents.

🚩Keeps trying to breakup.

🚩Tells you there's no spark.

🚩House/mortgage window-shopping without a commitment.

[LaHermes]

A good description of Peter Pan, Wise.

[LSL]

Agree. However most of these red flags were missed, including at his age living off family, etc.

 

He just turned 30 two weeks before my 30th, I haven't messaged him or anything although it is hard not being in contact but I know it's for the best

[Leah33]

I’m sorry you are hurting LSL.

 

Can’t add anything more, there’s been some of wonderful advice given in this thread.

 

Sending you a hug and warm vibes:

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[AutumnBorn]

I was looking for advice my bf of 6 years who I was saving for a house with split up with me the day after my 30th birthday after surprising me on my birthday with a trip away and lots of gifts. I am absolutely devastated as I had no clue anything was wrong, he told me he is not interested anymore and would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me. Has anyone went through this before and how did they cope? I feel my whole world has collapsed

 

LSL, I recommend you pick up a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships.

 

It's not a relationship book, per se. It's a sociology book about how relationships end and invaluable when you can't get the answers you need. I suspect it'll be as important in your healing as it was to mine many years ago.