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Will this end my engagement?


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Hi guys. I need outsider opinions. I will try and make this as unbiased as possible.

 

So, my partner is on a student visa. She's recently been given the news that her uni has stuffed up and she now has a bunch of units to complete in the next few weeks or she will be kicked out. I told her she should let her boss know that she might need time off to complete whats required. Cause stayong in the country is paramount. Her boss is cool and this wouldnt have been a problem. She said that she wasnt going to which I said okay. So she is stressed obviously. We both are. Its a hard time.

 

We've been known to have petty arguments about stuff that I don't understand. She says I lack empathy. But I just feel like she's dramatic and over reacts. Normally I just swallow it and grovel cause I love her and I know she's more stubborn then I am. But this time i don't feel I can. So the argument started yesterday morning. She slept in for work. 30 minutes or so. Instead of telling her boss she was late from sleeping in or saying she was stressed she said she wanted to come up with an excuse. She always does. She can't seem to just be like, yeah sorry. Be there asap. She has an issue with being at fault. So after her and I discuss what excuses she could use she decides she didn't like any of them and that her best option was to turn her phone off.

 

I said ok. Gave her a hug. Told her I loved her and left for work. Roughly 6 hours after she was meant to start her boss and friends were contacting me worried for her wellbeing. Genuine concern that she was not ok. I tried to contact her every way I could. Email, Insta, text, everything. She didn't respond to me. After 20 minutes or so it got the better of me. I had to tell them something. So I spoke to her boss on the phone and told her that she's received some bad news from her uni. That there's a good chance she was up all night unable to sleep and that she was stressed. I said she might of slept through her alarms and that she was ok when I left for work early. I thought this would cause the least amount of damage for her. Her boss was relieved as she had been worried sick.

 

I told my partner this and it blew up. She rang me crying and angry that I had responded. She told me that it was her decision to make and I had taken that from her. She even at one point said I had ruined her job and friendship as she would never feel comfortable to go to work or talk to her friends that were concerned again. I apparently have no empathy for her. Which, in this scenario is true. However when I found out about her uni issues I was so upset with her. I don't feel I lack empathy. I feel that she's getting upset over something that she shouldn't. Anyway. This situation has been a deal breaker for her. She no longer wants to be with me as I can't see what I did so wrong.

 

I told her that I am sorry I responded. I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. That I was feeling super uncomfortable that everyone was worried for her safety while I knew she was at home fine. I understand it wasn't my decision to make. I just didn't know what to do. I am sorry that I made the wrong decision in her eyes. I do think that she has over reacted and that there is no need to be upset about this as her boss was just happy to hear she was okay.

 

I currently have 2 messages from her boss asking if I had spoken to her and that she's still super concerned. She's told me to stay out of it, so that's what I'm doing.

 

I don't feel this needed to be handled this way and I was quite annoyed that I was even contacted by her people cause she ignored them all that long. Especially considering I'm 2 weeks into a new job and im stressed about that and the fact I was going to potentially lose my partner to be kicked out. I kept that to myself though and let her rant on me.

 

I feel there's something underlying though. A couple weeks prior (before uni news) I went to my mates (she doesnt like ) engagement party and when i got home she tried to kick me out. Left the house. Told me she was never coming back until I dropped all contact with him. So I did. I love the girl but it just seems to be every few weeks I need to grovel and apologise for things I don't feel in the wrong for or she's out. I've been doing this every few weeks for a year or so if i don't grovel we are done.

 

I don't know if I can do it this time. I'm getting exhausted and I feel like it's setting a bad example for how the rest of our lives would look. I keep thinking. Imagine if we had kids and I did something she didn't agree with.

 

I'm just lost at the moment.

 

And currently we are done I think and she's blocked me from all sorts of contact.

 

Thank you for your time.

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This is a tough one. A couple of questions to begin with:

 

1) Are you American? Where is she from?

2) How old are you? How old is she?

3) How well do you know her background? Her family etc...

4) How long have you been dating? How long have you been engaged?

5) Has she mentioned marriage as a way to get around her visa issues?

 

Based on everything you have said, I think she is not telling you the full picture. She seems to be overwhelmed, stressed and unable to cope with everything going on in life, and lashing out as a consequence. For example, given the context, I doubt it is her uni that "stuffed up", it is far more likely that she simply failed her exams, she might be worried that she will not be able complete those units in time (she seems to run away from her problems), or it is even possible that she knows there is no saving the situation, she may have been expelled from her course already and she will be deported shortly. Her actions are in line with somebody whose world has fallen apart, they are in a mixture of devastation, denial, avoidance and anger.

 

That all said, given her apparent dysfunction, the way she treats you, the way she controls you, the way she forces you to apologize and grovel... what do you actually love about her? What is there to love? Is she really hot? Serious questions.

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You did blow it by telling her boss that story, but your gf blew it by playing hookey from work. That to me is more serious than what you did. She sounds pretty screwed up to me and yes there's a good chance there's something going on with her that you dont know about. I dont understand how she thinks it's ok to not go to work for the whole day and not tell anyone she isnt coming in. That's not an adult, mature way to handle things. She'd have been better off to call in sick rather than just ignore the whole thing for the day.

 

She has done you a favour by blocking you from herself.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I'm also curious about some of the same questions Mirror outlined—primarily your ages, and how long you've been together—so hopefully you'll offer some details to help with the full picture.

 

I can't tell you what's going on with her—only she can do that—but I can't help but sense a lot of frustration and turbulence in your own spirit from your post: something that's been bottled up for a bit, uncorked. I get the impression that, for a good long while, you've maybe questioned your dynamic: the outbursts, the peace-making groveling, and so on. It's a bit like (a) you don't quite respect the way she lives her life and (b) you don't quite respect yourself for how you handle it. That right there is a big crack in the foundation, as I'd say that respect, along with trust, are the most essential ingredients to ensuring a loving relationship can be a sustainable and harmonious partnership.

 

Cracks crumble under pressure. All this, with uni, work, your responding? That's pressure, also known as life. Can I understand why you did everything you did? I can, while also thinking you misstepped a bit. Can I understand why she would be upset? Ditto, because of those missteps. Still, it's ultimately a situation that she brought upon herself, and missteps are allowed—or should be, in a secure partnership. You express yourself, she expresses herself, the boil is reduced to simmer, the water cools, life goes on.

 

And yet, here you are.

 

The generous view is that you may be here because you two aren't quite as compatible as you thought, something that's been just below the surface but, after this interlude, can't be ignored. The less generous view is that she has a propensity to self-sabotage, and is hitting the skids kind of hard at the moment, finding some kind of comfort and power in tearing down the walls of her house, so to speak. That's a state of being that is very, very hard to live alongside—a rocking boat that she has to stabilize on her own, or not. A partner can support her in that, but can't do it. And, by the sounds of it, she does not quite want support, not in the way she's skidding.

 

It's hard, I know, but in your shoes I'd take this space for what it likely is: the end. Take time to yourself right now, to get your own head and heart in order, rather than trying to figure out what's up with her. I suspect that, wherever this goes, that's where you're going to find the most clarity about what you need to do.

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Sometimes keeping quiet for an easy life can equate to enabling a persons bad behaviour and it looks like this is where you are with her . Of course to not enable means you have to defend your own opinion and stop the grovelling, which by the sounds of it is going to be a hassle for you , but stand your ground often enough and the other person hopefully stops the bad behaviour .

 

I feel like you were backed into a corner with every man and their dog contacting you from her work , while she buries her head in the sand at home ..I don't know how you could of kept it up and pacify their worry at the same time if you hadn't had said at least something . I see no wrong with your actions .

 

I pretty much guess she will be unblocking you at some point , so it is now up to you if you allow her to jump back on board or not .

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You made a terrible mistake answering for her. It's clear that your respect for her has dwindled in that one act alone. I actually don't need to know your ages, what race you are or where you come from. I know that this relationship is based on no mutual respect. No age or race will explain the lack thereof and I think it would be a cop out to use those as they offer no valuable framework for me.

 

This is very simple: Neither of you respect each other and there is little to no foundation at all on which to build a relationship. All of it needs to start with mutual respect and trust.

 

She flew off the handle with you because she understands that you don't view her in a way where she can hold her head high and stand on the same ground with you. She also doesn't trust your judgment in the same way you question her judgment overall.

 

Be fair to each other and drop the charade. This is not working. She needs to focus on her requirements for graduation and you need to stop 'groveling' and creating resentment within yourself. Clear that air and let go. You also have no choice since she's blocked you and broken up with you. Don't get back together with her. You don't respect each other enough.

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I get people are condemning you for talking to her boss but on the other hand you saw her true colors. Do you want to marry a woman who has to make up stories for everything and require you to be an accomplice?

 

If she ghosted completely on her job and never showed-- was not just simply 30 minutes late, you saved her from the boss calling the police to perform a welfare check! Actually, your explanation to the boss saved face for her in my opinion even if people said it was wrong. I work full time for myself and part time for someone else. My manager has not even met my guy, but has his number as emergency contact. If she calls him, its REALLY serious, its not just to snoop on my life. *I* think you did the right thing since even if it was a betrayal -- where the heck was she if she woke up 30 minutes into her job and totally blanked you the rest of the day when you called to check on her.

 

it seems that her residency depends upon her status as a student, and if she is not able to bring herself to ask her boss for time off or adjusted hours to finish it -- believing she will lose face or something - then she puts her perception of not wanting to make waves over remaining with you.

 

I do also agree that you have to stop groveling. But you have to decide if you want to put up with all of this as well.

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She had no right being irresponsible and not taking her work seriously or replying to the boss properly. You had no right answering for her.

 

Neither of you listen to each other and neither of you seem to give a damn about what's upsetting the other one or trying to understand and have a more healthy relationship.

 

You say you "grovel" but at the same time, you don't listen to why she's actually upset and you blame her. She on the other hand doesn't seem to care about your feelings and is more concerned with herself.

 

You both lack respect for one another and the communication is toxic, not helpful. You both find reasons to find the other at fault and to be honest, I'm surprised you made it this far.

 

The best you can do now, is end it. It will only continue this unhealthy cycle and it will get worse and worse.

You're not a match. You trigger each other, and you don't work well together at all.

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I feel like you were backed into a corner with every man and their dog contacting you from her work , while she buries her head in the sand at home ..I don't know how you could of kept it up and pacify their worry at the same time if you hadn't had said at least something . I see no wrong with your actions .

 

I pretty much guess she will be unblocking you at some point , so it is now up to you if you allow her to jump back on board or not .

 

I completely agree with pippy here.

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This is a tough one. A couple of questions to begin with:

 

1) Are you American? Where is she from?

2) How old are you? How old is she?

3) How well do you know her background? Her family etc...

4) How long have you been dating? How long have you been engaged?

5) Has she mentioned marriage as a way to get around her visa issues?

 

Based on everything you have said, I think she is not telling you the full picture. She seems to be overwhelmed, stressed and unable to cope with everything going on in life, and lashing out as a consequence. For example, given the context, I doubt it is her uni that "stuffed up", it is far more likely that she simply failed her exams, she might be worried that she will not be able complete those units in time (she seems to run away from her problems), or it is even possible that she knows there is no saving the situation, she may have been expelled from her course already and she will be deported shortly. Her actions are in line with somebody whose world has fallen apart, they are in a mixture of devastation, denial, avoidance and anger.

 

That all said, given her apparent dysfunction, the way she treats you, the way she controls you, the way she forces you to apologize and grovel... what do you actually love about her? What is there to love? Is she really hot? Serious questions.

 

I was in a program and they hired a new director of the department and they changed the graduation requirements of the program for people graduating after x date. Unfortunately, that would add 2 years to my schooling because there were classes you could only take in sequence/only offered certain semesters where they were elective and not requirement before and there was a new class that replaced an old class. And that new class was 2/3 like the old class i already took and 1/3 something different. I could have graduated on time if i had buckled down and doubled up for two semesters which would have meant i could not work, i would not know whether i was coming or going.

 

So i can entirely see how this could be. It may be a lie, or it might be not.

 

Or she could have failed a class or did not have enough credits to be considered full time or meet the threshold for moving from sophmore to junior, etc. A student visa usually doesn't allow you to take the minimal load and finish in 6 years

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But..wouldn't it have just been easier to not answer the phone? After all, it's not your place to be honest. It's her mess (so to speak).

 

Just leave it. Or at least if it had been my partner, I would have.

 

Looking at her end of it, she was behaving badly and that says a lot about her and who she is.

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I mean... there's a whole lot to unpack.

 

First, and I'm knocking it out first because I think it's by far the lesser of the sins here, holy **** I've got no idea how you default to coming up with some obnoxious cover for her? Like... "I don't know, I've been at work, you're gonna have to reach her" is all that needs saying. She's a grown woman. Let her navigate her work. That's just a lot of "wow" right there. At the same time, she no-called, no-showed, and they likely dug up her emergency contact (you). It was a severe lapse in common sense to pass off a story, but I wouldn't expect you to not pick up. It's a crappy situation to put you in regardless of just how exponentially better you could have handled it.

 

That said, this speaks much more volumes than anything else:

I feel there's something underlying though. A couple weeks prior (before uni news) I went to my mates (she doesnt like ) engagement party and when i got home she tried to kick me out. Left the house. Told me she was never coming back until I dropped all contact with him. So I did.
Assuming no other foul play there, that sounds like it'd be about it for me. I think there's a lot more sickness in your relationship than just that incident. Frankly, if I had a lady dictating my friends, threatening to kick me out, and no-call, no-showing at work, that's pretty much right down the list "bye, Felicia."

 

How long have you two even been together?

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But..wouldn't it have just been easier to not answer the phone? After all, it's not your place to be honest. It's her mess (so to speak).

 

Just leave it. Or at least if it had been my partner, I would have.

 

Looking at her end of it, she was behaving badly and that says a lot about her and who she is.

 

What if her work was calling him to tell him there was an accident at work and to let him know she is hospital?

She has clearly given his number as a next of kin. If she didn’t trust him why did shegive her boss his number??

 

He likely didn’t know it was her work calling, I doubt he saved her bosses number in his phone , it was an emergency contact number to contact and she should have known that’s who her work would call. If she didn’t show up without calling in sick.

 

He was caught off guard and imo responded perfectly given that!!

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Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Where did she go? You're in a power struggle. Both of you are trying to control each other. You would both do a lot better if you stopped butting into each other's business this much.

 

You're completely incompatible. It's been over a year that you've been at each other's throats. You're not the victim here, you just can't get along and try to control everything.

She's told me to stay out of it, so that's what I'm doing.

I've been doing this every few weeks for a year or so.

 

I went to my mates engagement party and when i got home she tried to kick me out. Left the house. Told me she was never coming back.

I don't know if I can do it this time. currently we are done I think and she's blocked me from all sorts of contact.

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Sometimes keeping quiet for an easy life can equate to enabling a persons bad behaviour and it looks like this is where you are with her . Of course to not enable means you have to defend your own opinion and stop the grovelling, which by the sounds of it is going to be a hassle for you , but stand your ground often enough and the other person hopefully stops the bad behaviour .

 

I feel like you were backed into a corner with every man and their dog contacting you from her work , while she buries her head in the sand at home ..I don't know how you could of kept it up and pacify their worry at the same time if you hadn't had said at least something . I see no wrong with your actions .

 

I pretty much guess she will be unblocking you at some point , so it is now up to you if you allow her to jump back on board or not .

 

^This. Couldn't agree more in that you were in an impossible situation. Could you have maybe said something more tactful or stonewalled a little bit? Easy to judge from the armchair after the fact. Not so easy when you are neck deep in it. Bottom line is that you are an honest straight shooter type person and did just that - tell the truth.

 

It seems that you have some very serious issues between you starting with that critical thing called values. You are an honest straightforward person, she is a liar and a bad one at that. This seems to be an ongoing issue of contention between you. On that note, I don't think you are grasping just how serious of a problem it is to date, or worse, marry a liar like that. You can't understand why can't she....well....she can't and it will never ever change. She will lie about a lot things in life, big things, little things, important things and please have no illusions that you would be an exception. She will lie to you too and probably has plenty even if you aren't aware. She seems to do well to shift blame on you for her poor behavior and make it out to be your fault somehow and you reward that bs by groveling instead of putting her out to the curb where she actually belongs.

 

The other issues that you are touching on, with her demanding you stop being friends with someone, threatening to kick you out..... Dude, you need to take a long step back from this relationship, stop groveling and think long and hard if you really want to be married to someone who is unstable way beyond current stress. Not to mention how she handles that stress is appalling. Don't focus on the good times, pay attention to how the person acts when things aren't so good because that's when you see their true character and personality. You may love her, but good grief, you shouldn't have her in your life. Is your engagement over? I hope so for your own good and well being and future life. That would be the greatest bullet you've ever dodged or ever will dodge.

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Dancingfool pretty much said what I was thinking.

 

Regarding the recent fight, I think it's just another example of her refusal to take responsibility for her own actions.

She's blaming you for fall out of her bailing on work. That's not on you or anything you did or did not say when asked point blank where she is. Did she honestly expect you to be part of a cover up for her? Ridiculous.

 

You will never 'win' with someone who can't own even simple mistakes. It will always be someone's else's fault, and manipulation plus control will always be in the picture.

 

I wish you well. Enjoy the peace of this coming to an end. Absolutely, she would have made your life hell if you married her. She already did and you weren't even married!

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I agree with everyone who said she is skating out of her responsibilities and put you in an impossible situation. I think you responded perfectly given the circumstances. Overally, she sounds controlling, toxic, and irresponsible. Look up DARVO so you can familiarize yourself with it and understand how it may have been incorporated into your relationship. I know it's harsh but I think the end of your engagement is in your best interest.

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This woman causes her own problems with her school and job by acting like a juvenile. She's not marriage material. Either you're willing to recognize that, or you are not. I'd find my own place to live and move my focus onto stabilizing my own life. I'd tell this woman that she's welcome to contact me if she ever decides to do the same, and if I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

It makes no sense to pretzel yourself around someone else's instability. If you opt to do that, you're learning what it will buy you--continual anxiety and fighting. You can't 'parent' another adult into the growth that she's resisting--that's on her, not you. The kindest thing you can do is step away and let her flail or fail on her own. She'll either learn from her mistakes or not, but you can't prevent her from making more of them until your life with her becomes intolerable.

 

Think.

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