How to get over the fear

[SElliottx 1]

Me and my husband have just separated because I was sick of how he would fly off the handle over little things. He would yell and sometimes call me names.

He knows he should not have done it and he has changed. We eventually want to work things out but I just fear he will go back to his old ways.

And advice? Can I get over this fear?

[bluecastle 983]

Mind offering some more details? Like how old are you guys, and how long have you been married? Are there children involved?

 

Generally speaking, this is the stuff that marriage counseling is made for: a "safe" place for you to each express, and confront, your fears, with the guidance of a professional. It's a bit like learning to ride a bike, with the counselor acting as "training wheels." You get comfortable, eventually take off the training wheels, and see if you can ride stably, with both the fears and the sources of them better understood.

[Seraphim 1,772]

He needs extensive therapy and then you need couple’s therapy.

[Wiseman2 2,294]

Sorry to hear this. How long are you married? While separated, reflect on what is happening very carefully. Enlist the help of a therapist privately and confidentially. Talk to trusted friends and family. Where is he staying? Do not talk during the separation, instead reflect. Do not just start a cycle of blow-outs, apologies then then next round of blow-outs/apologies and so on. . He will go back to his old ways, that is not "fear" that is experience.

Me and my husband have just separated because I was sick of how he would fly off the handle over little things. He would yell and sometimes call me names. He knows he should not have done it and he has changed.

[DancingFool 1,420]

What exactly has he done to change for how long? Meaning is he in counseling? Did he do anger management counseling and courses? What has he done that is concrete besides promising to be magically different?

[maew 392]

What exactly has he done to change for how long? Meaning is he in counseling? Did he do anger management counseling and courses? What has he done that is concrete besides promising to be magically different?

 

Pretty much this OP... change takes time and there is nothing wrong with wanting to observe his behavior from afar for awhile until you become comfortable with the idea that he won't do this again.

 

You don't have to pay for love or being loved with your self-esteem and self worth.

[SElliottx 1]

We have been together nearly 10 years. Married for 3. We have 2 children and 1 on the way.

He hasn’t done any classes or anything. He has just tried changing on his own.

[boltnrun 1,218]

We have been together nearly 10 years. Married for 3. We have 2 children and 1 on the way.

He hasn’t done any classes or anything. He has just tried changing on his own.

 

Then he's done nothing.

[melancholy123 436]

We have been together nearly 10 years. Married for 3. We have 2 children and 1 on the way.

He hasn’t done any classes or anything. He has just tried changing on his own.

 

That wont likely work, people can say all sorts of things then revert to past behaviour. You both need therapy, he needs to discover why he treats you badly, you need to learn why you put up with it and a skilled therapist can help both of you work thru your problems.

[catfeeder 1,880]

People who 'lose their temper' are always sorry after the fact, but they can't be trusted not to escalate violent behavior because they have no self control. So I'd keep him out and see a lawyer for advice on protections and conditions for exposure to you and your children. Unless and until the guy seeks professional help, he's a walking time bomb who won't get better, only worse.

[Batya33 1,897]

We have been together nearly 10 years. Married for 3. We have 2 children and 1 on the way.

He hasn’t done any classes or anything. He has just tried changing on his own.

 

I think he's going to need some professional resources as well. Especially since you have young children. Change on his own -how specifically? I wanted to change and came up with very specific ways that I practice daily - but I didn't have to change as drastically. I also do some reading on the subject and talk to people although not professionals at this point. From what you describe he probably needs professional resources too -is he willing to do that to save the marriage? Yes, he can change on his own - meaning start the process - there are many ways to practice calming down, to practice how you interact with each other and others too. There also might be medical/physical reasons - sleep deprivation, dietary deficiencies, chronic pain, etc. But it's not just "I promise to change" -he needs a concrete plan, a plan he follows, a plan he practices.

[Wiseman2 2,294]

Do not wait for him to change. Do not try to fix him. Go to therapy yourself privately and get help to decide what to do. Do not keep exposing your kids to frightening tempers and in-home violent words. Consider staying with friends/family until you can make better choices.. At the very least get your innocent kids out of the way of his temper and let them stay with your family. Tell your obstetrician what is happening. They will point you in the right direction.

We have been together nearly 10 years. Married for 3. We have 2 children and 1 on the way.

He hasn’t done any classes or anything. He has just tried changing on his own.