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I hate my sister, but I don't want to.


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i don't know where to start.

 

i love my older sister. we had a good relationship as kids. during teen years is when i started noticing some toxic behaviors in my sister, like moodiness, but it wasn't that prevalent and i thought she'd just grow out of them because we were just teens.

 

well during college it became a huge problem. we'd all go out as a friend group and if something even slightly upset her she'd just be in a funk and take her anger out on others. it would happen so often people would say behind her back that they just expect a bad night with her because she always acted like that. we all felt like we had to walk on egg shells when we were around her because she took everything so literally and would always say people are being mean to her. when in reality they really weren't.

 

i also started noticing her being jealous of me around that time. if we went out together and i got more attention then her, she'd get into another funk and always feel the need to tell me how i'm getting more attention as if i could control that. i genuinely would want to have a good night but it would just be another night about her and her self pity. she didn't and i honestly think she still thinks acting that way is okay even though, it just pushes people away from her. if you try to tell her that it's behavior that's pushing away people she'll deny it and act like her behavior is justified due to her having mental health problems. she can't take criticism to save her life and will make you seem like a bad person for giving her a critique.

 

i just feel like she always has to mention how me being successful at a good amount of things makes her feel bad because she isn't. it doesn't make me feel good because it's like she can't be happy for me. like what does she get out of telling me these things? honestly.

 

i could go on and on about the things she's done over the years, but this post would be entirely too long. i thought she'd grow out of acting this way but we're 25 and 27 years old. when on vacation we had another blow up with one another and i told her that most people don't have these moody nights like her. she was trying to say it's okay because it's a way for her to release what she's been feeling and that if it's a problem then i don't have to hang out with her. but also during this conversation she asked me why she isn't seen as likable.. it's like she's delusional to her own toxic behaviors and always tries to justify them. what do i do? it's been on my mind a lot lately. i just don't even know how to feel about my sister at this point. i tell her to get help but she refuses. i know i haven't been perfect but i actually accept my flaws and know i'm not a good person all the time. my sister used to think of herself as "selfless" and always painted me as the sister who would treat her like . when in reality, people tend to be more gravitated towards me and repelled by her. i just don't think a person who thinks they're this good of a person would be repelling this many people.

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Honestly, before you talk about "toxic" behaviors, it could be that your sister suffers form depression. Instead of doing "nights out" with her, why don't you spend very low key time with her hanging out at home with her or meeting her for lunch or breakfast as she seems to be worse 'at the end of the night'. And don't invite her out in groups. You know, one on one things that are a set timeframe so she is not competing with friends and its not some 10 hour bar crawl.

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Do you both live at home with your parents? Why are you socializing together this much rather than with your own friends? Stop crowding and suffocating each other. Live your own lives with your own friends, places, interests etc. Stop criticizing her and stop the sibling rivalry. It's that simple. She is who she is. Stop trying to change her.

i thought she'd grow out of acting this way but we're 25 and 27 years old. when on vacation we had another blow up with one another and i told her that most people don't have these moody nights like her.
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Errrrrrrrrrrrr.... I have to support the OP. My Sister is the same, and I've been scapegoated into letting her get her way all my life. I'm "encouraged" to do things with her, yet she continues to make a scene and make me feel completely uncomfortable, to the point of me having extreme anxiety about this.

 

Sorry, but IMHO... she is a toxic person that you need to remove from your life. I did this with my sister and the entire family has disowned me.

 

NO ROOM for childish behavior in my life. people need to grow up, deal with the world, and stop being the FU$KING victim

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25 and 27... What do you do for a living? What does she do for a living? Do you guys live together? Do you live with your parents?

 

Honestly I am sort of with Camber here... though I do not have siblings, so maybe I do not "get it", but it sounds like she has mental health issues and/or a toxic personality and it is becoming increasingly burdensome to put up with her. So why do you have to?

 

Yes she is your sister, but she is a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself. She is not your responsibility. If she is not capable of being happy for your successes, if she is so self-absorbed and toxic to be around, she is hardly a sister to you in practice. I would not go as far as to say cut her out of your life, but certainly dial back your exposure.

 

Not all people with mental health problems are bad to be around, but a lot of them are toxic with extended exposure. I speak with the experience of being a sufferer of depression, and having friends and acquaintances with various issues. If you are strong enough to handle it, all the power to you, but if it is getting to you, as it clearly is, then you must find a way to dial back your exposure... that is what everyone else is doing when you say "she is pushing people away".

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You need to live your own life, learn to separate yourself from your sister and stop co-mingling friends within your social circle.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to share you with others. If you want to make her feel special, why don't you have a relationship with just her? Go out for lunch, shopping and have sister time together. Perhaps she wants 1:1 time with you as opposed to being lumped together with groups of friends. Maybe she wants exclusive sisterhood and time with you. I know that for me, sharing my sister with a group of friends isn't as enjoyable as a close 1:1 sister relationship and doing sister things together whether at home or in public. We can't confide in each other with an audience. We'd both feel self-conscious and unnatural. Have a heart to heart discussion with her without others as witnesses. Sisters or brothers need to be with each other without others with them.

 

If your personalities and characteristic traits are vastly different and incompatible, then give each other lots of space and boundaries. This is what I do with certain people in my life. We're civil yet not close. I maintain a safe distance.

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As you've observed, it's possible to love someone without liking them much. I'd be kind whenever out paths cross, but I'd limit my exposure and stop trying to counsel or appease her. I'd let her know that if she's ever willing to pursue professional help, she can let me know. I'd be happy to go with her if she'd like or otherwise help in that pursuit. However, if she's unwilling to be helped by someone who can actually help her, then I'd keep my distance from that lose/lose situation.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I actually suffer from depression and anxiety to the point where it causes me to have physical symptoms that i've been prescribed medication for. so this isn't me talking blindly about someone with mental illness because i have a mental illness myself. i don't act that way because of it, and when i do have awful behaviors, i'm apologetic for it. she never is and uses her mental state as an excuse.

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she moved away to a different state over a year ago so i only see her occasionally. i feel like our relationship is better with her being away. i'm not trying to change her into an unrecognizable person, i just want her to acknowledge her wrongdoings and deal with her emotions in a more mature way. in my opinion she would be a much better and happier person if she made those positive changes in her life.

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yea i've told her she should reach out for help several times so idk what to do about it. i can't force someone to get help who doesn't want it, but it's like it doesn't click with her that if she continues with her behavior like that people aren't going to want to be around her and she'll never grow as a person or be satisfied.

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When you step away from the power struggle and stop trying to change her, you'll feel better. You can't fix or change anyone but yourself. You don't have to hang out or be best friends, so obsessing over her is wasted energy. Does she resent and pick you apart? Supportive therapy with a qualified psychologist would help you unpack and sort all this out..

i just want her to acknowledge her wrongdoings and deal with her emotions in a more mature way. in my opinion she would be a much better and happier person if she made those positive changes in her life.
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  • 2 weeks later...
When you step away from the power struggle and stop trying to change her, you'll feel better. You can't fix or change anyone but yourself. You don't have to hang out or be best friends, so obsessing over her is wasted energy. Does she resent and pick you apart? Supportive therapy with a qualified psychologist would help you unpack and sort all this out..

 

i am currently seeking the help a psychologist so hopefully i can process these negative thoughts in a healthy way and move on. i plan on moving very far away next year so i can start fresh with my life on my own.

 

and i've been doing research about what i've been dealing with and it lead me to thinking she has either a narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic habits. it would explain her passive aggressive behavior, victim mentality, denial of criticism, and refusal to find solutions to her problems.

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i am currently seeking the help a psychologist so hopefully i can process these negative thoughts in a healthy way and move on. i plan on moving very far away next year so i can start fresh with my life on my own.

 

and i've been doing research about what i've been dealing with and it lead me to thinking she has either a narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic habits. it would explain her passive aggressive behavior, victim mentality, denial of criticism, and refusal to find solutions to her problems.

 

Stop right there. do NOT diagnose your sister. Therapy is about YOU, and how you are going to navigate the situation. it serves no one to use it to play the blame game by "diagnosing" someone. BTW

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Stop right there. do NOT diagnose your sister. Therapy is about YOU, and how you are going to navigate the situation. it serves no one to use it to play the blame game by "diagnosing" someone. BTW

 

i understand. i guess i was trying to make sense of everything. i know i haven't been perfect in this whole thing either.

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Try to look into what you have. Ask your doctor. That's all you can do. Stop the finger pointing, jealousy and hating. That's a place to start, not googling what you want to assign to her to make your intense sibling rivalry seem more normal.

and i've been doing research about what i've been dealing with and it lead me to thinking she has either a narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic habits.

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i understand. i guess i was trying to make sense of everything. i know i haven't been perfect in this whole thing either.

 

Not everything has to make sense. Your sister does not have to be your best friend in the world. As we grow up, we learn to remove our expectations from people and not expect them to fill a preset role or to be who they were when they were 5. You can love a relative without them being your best friend. Your relationship will change throughout your lives

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If you want to be able to live without resentment and anger towards others, you need to start by taking personal responsibility. Learn what your triggers are so you can stop reacting to what she is doing and saying, and start acknowledging the healing that you need to do. Learn to remove yourself from the situation when things start to escalate. Learn to practice some empathy and compassion for her... It would be a pretty miserable existence for her to always feel as though she isn't measuring up to whatever impossible standards she has set for herself.

 

It takes two to have conflict.... if you choose to stop and find healthier ways of responding to the situation, the conflict can't happen.

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