Should I set a boundary or is there no hope?

[abitbroken]

Okay - here's the deal. you should date someone where you are both on the same page about boundaries on the big stuff --- its the little insignificant things that you fine tune. Someone who moves on from exes with no contact doesn't live happily with someone who 'collects" them and is close with all of them, for example. its not about drawing a line in the sand, but choosing wisely. This woman sounds like a spectator in her own life. Or she really WANTS all this attention/was the one who keeps initiating with the guys but wants to shift blame.

 

You have poor boundaries yourself because you rushed to live with her too soon. The answer to a lease ending is to apartment hunt or advertise for a female roommate - but within 12 weeks shack up to "rescue" her from any decison making.

[markoutsis]

What is meant by “collecting”?

 

What is the appropriate time before two people move in together?

[bluecastle]

Cherylyn - I agree with you. And she will too. We spend a lot of time with each other; when not working, we are together, we do have common friends at this point and take vacations together. If I want to do something with my guy friends I do it and she’ll find something to do with her friends as well.

 

There are however these people I have mentioned from her past (2 that I know of, one being an old friend who she cares for) that are just there and we both know have feelings for her. I don’t understand why it can’t be made clear to them what their place in her life is now that I am her chosen partner. I get conflict avoidance but when one insists there has to be a more direct approach otherwise you run the risk of alienating your partner.

 

Someone who you have no interest in, not required to do business with, or have to see due to a common circle or friends and family should be put in their place when refer to your significant other as: “Mr Right Now”. This comment is degrading to the woman and her relationship and makes me feel like she doesn’t value what we have.

 

I'm still curious how you know about this comment. Is she telling you this, or are you looking through her messages? I ask because it's pretty clear that neither of you really understands what boundaries are, in terms of your authentic personal boundaries or what kind of boundaries you each need for a relationship to work. I'm just trying to figure out who is crossing what lines.

 

It's really so simple—or would be, if you could communicate this clearly rather than coddle it through "communication." I can't help but feel that what you suspect, deep in your core, is that she is not quite capable at the moment of shedding these habits. Whether it is a thirst for attention or a deeply passive approach to the business of living, it's how she operates, right now, so your best alternative to getting what you really want so to turn it into a puzzle.

[markoutsis]

Bluecastle - why do you believe that neither of us knows anything about boundaries?

 

The answer to your question is that she showed me.

[abitbroken]

Bluecastle - why do you believe that neither of us knows anything about boundaries?

 

The answer to your question is that she showed me.

 

neither of you have good boundaries.

[markoutsis]

Lol - ok, let’s say I agree. Where was I grossly negligent in terms of boundary setting?

[abitbroken]

Lol - ok, let’s say I agree. Where was I grossly negligent in terms of boundary setting?

 

But you do not agree. you believe you intellectually understand all angles, you are the more mature of the two and simply want her to act a certain way.

 

Boundaries are something you have for yourself and enforce for yourself - not something you act like a first grade teacher and set for her.

Your good boudaries should have prevented you from even considering moving in.

 

 

Here's an example. Maybe a very broad one:

If someone is not cool with people smoking in their face, then you don't accept a date from a smoker rather than complaining they are smoking behind your back and you tell guests it is not allowed in your home. If someone comes and wants to smoke and try to pull "i'll just sit near the window" you cut their visit short or escort them to the end of the driveway where they may smoke. And you meet smoking friends elsewhere or not at all if they grumble or they refuse to honor your boundary

 

The person with bad boundaries would "not feel they can say anything" when the person lights up in their home, and then trashtalks the smoker behind their back or dates a smoker hoping they will change, or tries it themselves.

[abitbroken]

You don't want to hear this, but if you have clear boundaries about not dating someone where exes are in the picture (unless they have a kid together or they work together and they dated in 8th grade and there is no romantic interest after) , you don't date them. You find someone else with similar boundaries to you

[markoutsis]

Would love to see you enforce boundaries in your social interactions.

 

Despite the general resentment that transcends these forums some have been quite helpful. Thank you!

[bluecastle]

I can't tell you where, exactly, negligence occurred. It kind of seems like "boundaries" are more of a concept baked into this relationship rather than actual things that protect the relationship, kind of like floating out to sea on a loosely "bound" pile of logs and seeing if you can build a boat in deep water, rather than building the boat on dry land before setting out.

 

As abitbroken well-articulated, boundaries are personal. You have yours, I have mine, our girlfriends have theirs. There will be differences. Generally speaking, relationships function when (a) those differences are not extreme and (b) two people can communicate their personal boundaries to each other, and make small adjustments to create mutual boundaries that allow their connection to grow, securely.

 

They are very easy to "enforce," in other words, when you know what they are. Does that make sense?

[abitbroken]

Would love to see you enforce boundaries in your social interactions.

 

Despite the general resentment that transcends these forums some have been quite helpful. Thank you!

 

People only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. I am not talking about a random stranger who rear ends you, or the bank teller who had a bad day and is short with you.

 

For example, someone in another thread lamented how their girlfriend didn't show she respected him by losing track of time, having a house mate monopolize her time and so forth.

 

So you set a boundary after 20 times the person always stands you up or is super late.== you set up a time you both agree to. "i know you tend to have things pop up at the last minute. That's your choice. But my rear will be in the seat of the theater at 9:00 when the previews start. So you wait in the lobby, and they are not there after waiting until the previews start, you go sit down like you said. After a time or two, they will either wake up and decide they better hustle so they don't miss the beginning of the movie or they won't - but either way YOU are where you wanted to be. And they learn how to treat you and they don't make you wait.

 

I know that is a small beans issue compared to your girlfriends.

 

I think that you are trying to make yourself compatible with someone you are not.

 

you cannot assert her boundaries for her.

 

you can respect her by not snooping in her phone.

 

these men are not interfering with your relationship - she is by entertaining them which she continues to do.

This is her. She is a wounded bird with daddy issues.

You are either cool with the way she is, or decide that you are worth more than this kind of treatment.

 

Ultimatums are also boundaries - but a boundary at the end of its rope. you can calmly tell her that you are the type of person that cuts contact with exes and although she is free to talk with who she chooses, if she continues to lead these men on, you are going to seek other arrangments. Honestly, to me, its not worth drawing a line because there will just be another inappropriate friendship around the corner she will somehow finding attracted to her

[abitbroken]

Honestly, my examples are lame because when my guy and i met, we talked about boundaries right off the bat. We didn't call them that. We talked about we weren't looking for flings, we were both looking for the same dating style (getting to know someone in hopes of eventual longterm/marriage), we figured out neither of us holds on to exes (he asked specifically how long was i divorced, do i stay in touch with him, etc.), and all sorts of stuff to weed eachother out if any of the big stuff wasn't compatible. kids/no kids/communication with our families. It seems that you were just sexually attracted and scooped her up and are finding out all sorts of murky stuff after 12 weeks of her charming you. this sort of thing would have been a no-go and a NEXT but its harder to unravel if you moved her in already --- but not impossible.

[abitbroken]

this sort of thing would have been a no-go and a NEXT but its harder to unravel if you moved her in already --- but not impossible.

 

To clarify: i mean hard to unravel form her, not unravel her mystery.

 

Sometimes we try to fit a square peg in a round hole. But you need to explore your case of white knight syndrome so you do not just continue to go from one wounded bird or damsel to another