How do I Romantically/Sexually Re-Attract my Ex?

[bluecastle]

Never thought I’d catch these deep feelings or every be in this situation because it aint like me. Asked me if id ever be like this before all this happened and i would of laughed.

 

As you let this go—and, like the others, I suggest you do that—I'd reflect on the above a bit. You seem weirdly proud of some mythic self-conception: the idea of yourself as the charming, masculine guy who is immune to feelings—the guy, perhaps, that "girls" chase, not the other way around, given that this thread essentially started with you trying to figure out how to become a tastier carrot on a stick to get her blood boiling.

 

It makes "sense," then, that you are so smitten with a woman who has never really shown much interest in you—at least not the level of interest you want. Seems what you are most drawn to in her is the fact that she's just not that into you. It's human nature, of course, to want what we can't quite have, but it's also the antithesis of human connection. It's ego-based, not heart-based, and there is a lot of ego coming through in this thread. You want to feel like a super stud, "getting her" is the missing piece of your stud puzzle, and you can't quite comprehend how this woman has the audacity to not be into you.

 

Yawn. There are better ways, deeper ways, to exist inside your own skin and alongside others.

 

What I'd take from this, in your shoes? I'd accept that this thing that never was is over, mourn that a bit, but also celebrate that this thing introduced you to something inside yourself that is softer, more tender: the reality that you are a dude who does have feelings, who does "catch" them, and who wants to explore and celebrate those feelings with another person. That is different than all this, which is just a game.

 

Games are fun when we "win," frustrating when we "lose," but they are always "safe" because they are never quite real. If you want the big stuff, the real stuff, you have to be "man enough" to exit the stadium and prize connection over trophies.

[DancingFool]

The problem is that you never "had" anything with her. She was blunt with you from the get go that she isn't into anything, but since you kept pursuing, she went along with it - attention, friendship, things to do when bored, ego boost. Ultimately though, she stayed true to herself and rejected you again and told you flat out not to get your hopes up because this chase is never going to go anywhere.

 

What I think is that you need to pick up your self respect off the floor and move on. Don't chase after women who tell you they are "unavailable". It doesn't matter why. What matters is that they are not relationship material and all you are doing chasing them is wasting your time and life and missing out on better quality women in the process. Do not confuse unavailable or unhealthy hoops and loops to jump through as quality. That's not what quality looks like. You are literally confusing damaged with quality. Totally backwards.

 

When it comes to dating and relationships, you want to focus on those who are in a healthy place in life, ready, willing, and able to enter a healthy relationship with the right person. Instead, you romanticized someone who is not there and now you are finding out that there is really nothing romantic about it. It's an investment without a return.

[Andrina]

You were a placeholder for when she is ready to have a boyfriend, and when she's ready, it definitely won't be with you. Because a woman who is crazy about you would never let you be free to date others. Take your rose-colored glasses off, because you want her so badly that you are ignoring the fact that she doesn't care that she's hurting you. She knows you want what she is not willing to give you, and yet doesn't place boundaries to continue hurting you--behavior she should've never engaged in from day one.

 

Even though you see her regularly because of work, etc., you can train your brain to just start thinking her as another co-worker. If she questions the change, just tell her you need to for closure. Be prepared that she might try to reel you back in because she's losing a fan, but be strong for your own good. Take care.

[Alex Davies]

Thanks Andrina! I think you are right.

 

Placeholder is a good word because when this came up, her response was “let’s just continue and see what happens”. If she was so into me, that wouldn’t be her response.

 

I am going to stop the contact and move on, and will find better

[maew]

Much in agreement with blue.... it seems to be a classic case of being attracted to someone who is "unavailable"... it's somewhat of a thrill to think that there is a chance we could be "the one" that they fall for, however in my experience those who start out as unavailable remain that way indefinitely.

 

The other thing about being attracted to unavailable people is that it's usually a sign that we are somewhat unavailable ourselves... maybe something to consider if you are indeed ready for a serious relationship with someone.

[DancingFool]

Thanks Andrina! I think you are right.

 

Placeholder is a good word because when this came up, her response was “let’s just continue and see what happens”. If she was so into me, that wouldn’t be her response.

 

I am going to stop the contact and move on, and will find better

 

Yup, unfortunately this is exactly correct and I'm glad to hear that you are seeing it and decided to move on as you well should.

[Wiseman2]

Classic string along line.

her response was “let’s just continue and see what happens”.

[bluecastle]

The other thing about being attracted to unavailable people is that it's usually a sign that we are somewhat unavailable ourselves... maybe something to consider if you are indeed ready for a serious relationship with someone.

 

Yeah, this is what I was trying to hint at, though without the proper amount of caffeine required to be articulate.

 

When you're really ready for a relationship, the cat-and-mouse stuff just won't be interesting. It's like being really hungry, and only being shown a photo of a hamburger while having to call three french fries a meal. Sure, those fries are technically food, and the photo is sumptuous, but if what you wanted was a genuine meal—well, it wasn't that.

 

Perhaps you needed this little interlude in the gray zone to realize you're more ready than you knew, which is terrific. So drop the "masculine" games stuff, own that you are a human interested in a deep connection with another human, accept that this human was never going to provide that, and move forward with head up and shoulder's back, happy to have discovered what it is you truly want.

[MissCanuck]

The title of this post now doesn’t match the story but i mean “get back” as in get us back to how we was when it was all going well.

 

But that still wasn't going where you hoped, Alex. You just hadn't realized it yet.

 

In theory, you could probably go back to seeing other and hanging out (though I wouldn't advise it) but it is not as though the ending will somehow be different. It will still be you two quasi-dating with you thinking you two are going to become a couple and her not wanting that.

 

That is what I meant when I said there is nothing to go back to. Sure, you had fun, but there wasn't a future there.

[HeartGoesOn]

Yeah think Dan Bacon is all bollocks

 

Dan Bacon is simply another run of the mill "Einstein's," who is out to make a buck off people who are in a desperate state of mind. It's a perfect example of someone who finally tells you what you want to hear, yet there's a method to their madness regarding the color green.

 

Either way, if you constantly feel the need to prove your worth to someone, you've already lost your value.

[Alex Davies]

Hi Guys,

 

Update:

 

I have now cut and stopped the contact and I won’t like, I feel so bad about it :( Even though I known it’s the right thing to do, I just feel so down.

 

I guess I just have to stick with the decision, stay strong and move on :(

[MissCanuck]

I have now cut and stopped the contact and I won’t like, I feel so bad about it :( Even though I known it’s the right thing to do, I just feel so down.

 

Believe me, you would have felt a lot more down if you two had kept up this fling and one day she broke it to you that she couldn't keep seeing you because she'd met another guy.

 

Cutting ties now is the lesser of two inevitable heartaches, in the end.

[Wiseman2]

Ok... Now you mind and heart are free to pursue women who reciprocate more interest and make you feel better in the long run.

I have now cut and stopped the contact and I won’t like, I feel so bad about it :( Even though I known it’s the right thing to do, I just feel so down. I guess I just have to stick with the decision, stay strong and move on :(

[Alex Davies]

Believe me, you would have felt a lot more down if you two had kept up this fling and one day she broke it to you that she couldn't keep seeing you because she'd met another guy.

 

Cutting ties now is the lesser of two inevitable heartaches, in the end.

 

 

Yeah I do understand. Just feel so s*** about it all :(

[Alex Davies]

You are right, just struggling at the moment.