Dating a Divorced man and wanting to get physical

[running4life]

I'm 28 and I been dating this guy who is 30 for about 4 months. We met at a concert. I went with a group of coworkers. He was the designated driver for his friend whom recognized me from my job. He bought me a beer that night. I talked to his friend about him and she said that he's a great guy and to ask for his number because he shy and would not ask for mine. I asked for his number and we've gone on many dates since then.I learned that he was married for 8 years and has an amazing 8 year old son. He divorced 2 years ago.His ex wife is the first person who he ever became sexually intimate with and vise versa for his ex wife. His ex wife wanted a divorce and left him for a girl. They dated for about a year and then broke up. The divorce was difficult because he lost his house and it was confusing for his son to see his parents divorce and his mother to start dating a girl. Also, his family is religious which made it more challenging. I have kissed him and touched him with the goal of innating to go further, but he doesn't want to go further. It makes him feel uncomfortable. He tends to look down and become silent. I asked him if he's dated since his ex and he said he has. I don't know if he's done anything physical since then. Any feedback on this? Am I being too pushy? Should I give him more time for himself instead of pursing a relationship? Is his ego hurt? Any feedback is appreciated.

[Clio]

Could it be that he is asexual or gay himself? A very religious background can sometimes obscure such issues or it can make people inhibited to the point of abstinence. Regardless, he sounds very passive and not interested in sex. At 4 months one would expect that this would be a more "equal" relationship regarding initiating things yet it sounds like you are the primary initiator. Regardless of what's behind it, would you really be happy with such a dynamic? Imo, you should ask him what his feelings and attitude are towards sex and why he seems to feel uncomfortable about it. Imo, direct communication is key here.

[running4life]

I asked his friends and he's had sex since his divorce so I doubt he is asexual. Good point, i'll have to ask him about it.

[Wiseman2]

After 16 weeks of dating it sounds more as though he wants a shoulder to cry on. It would be best to stop pursuing him. This situation is too frustrating. You seem to know more about his divorce woes than a therapist or his attorney. Unless he's paying you $200/hr, it sounds like you're wasting you're time.

 

He does not seem ready to date and even then he doesn't seem like relationship material or that he is that interested (except to go on and on about his problems). Please don't assume every uninterested guy is gay. He could just be depressive and wallowing in self-pity.

 

If he were interested you would know. Keep in mind you chased him. He just went along with it and all he does is talk about his divorce. Also dating is not social work. Stop trying to fix or heal him or "figure him out".

I asked for his number and we've gone on many dates since then.

He divorced 2 years ago.

His ex wife is the first person who he ever became sexually intimate with and vise versa for his ex wife.

His ex wife wanted a divorce and left him for a girl.

They dated for about a year and then broke up.

The divorce was difficult because he lost his house

I have kissed him and touched him with the goal of innating to go further, but he doesn't want to go further.

[abitbroken]

btw, its none of your biz if he was physical with other dates. Also, if he is not ready to initiate physical activity, he isn't. Either wait for him to take the lead or look elsewhere.

 

Could it be that he is asexual or gay himself? A very religious background can sometimes obscure such issues or it can make people inhibited to the point of abstinence. Regardless, he sounds very passive and not interested in sex. At 4 months one would expect that this would be a more "equal" relationship regarding initiating things yet it sounds like you are the primary initiator. Regardless of what's behind it, would you really be happy with such a dynamic? Imo, you should ask him what his feelings and attitude are towards sex and why he seems to feel uncomfortable about it. Imo, direct communication is key here.

 

Sorry, someone who doesn't jump into the sack immediately is a gentleman. It does not mean he is gay. Not ready for a relationship after a terrible divorce - sure. i would be gunshy if i married someone, had a kid and then they told me they were gay. To boot, he lost everything. I would lose my sex drive for a long time after that. This man was stepped on, walked over and kicked. I would say he thinks he wants to date, but there may be years of therapy first

[boltnrun]

Please stop asking his friends why he doesn't want sex. How humiliating for him if he found out you were discussing his lack of interest in sex with his friends.

 

Don't you like this man?

[abitbroken]

Please stop asking his friends why he doesn't want sex. How humiliating for him if he found out you were discussing his lack of interest in sex with his friends.

 

Don't you like this man?

 

Whoa. yes. Do not triangulate.

 

Don't assume you are the most desirable woman in the world and are miffed at the rejection.

What if you had bad breath? what if you are initiating in public and that's not cool to him?

And if he is very traditional, he might be a slow burn - want to get to know you more and make a decision about you first.

What kind of dates do you go on? If its a concert every 2 weeks that is different than seeing eachother 4 times a week in a variety of settings.

How is the rest of the relationship going/ You seem to be only focused on the physical and not anything else to tell us you actually have a connnection here. Maybe he is not sold on you yet and just enjoys doing thigs with you

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you are chasing way too hard after a guy who is either not that interested or not quite over his divorce or both.

 

Maybe just back away and see if he'll even notice.

[Clio]

Sorry, someone who doesn't jump into the sack immediately is a gentleman.

 

Sorry, after dating her for FOUR months is not "immediately" for the vast majority of the western world. I offered her a couple of explanations that happened to sprang into mind, NOT an exhastive list of all possible explanations because imo at the end of the day the explanation does not matter. What matters is the end result, which as you yourself state is that he does not seem ready to date. Suggesting that it's because he is being a "gentleman" after four months of dating at this day and age is as improbable as my suggestion of him being gay.

[Lambert]

Maybe you guys just aren't compatible sexually? You mentioned he comes from a religious background and he's only been with his ex. Maybe he takes sex seriously and likes to wait.

 

If you are comfortable enough to want to have sex with him, you should be able to talk to him. You've asked and he's clammed up. I'd take the hint. he's not ready. It's a pretty clear sign of sime kind of trouble in the relationship.

 

if you want a closer, more intimate relationship, maybe find another guy. Someone ready to love someone.

 

You can't change anyone but yourself. I know I've spent time on guys thinking, he's a good one, just give him time or whatever, but that just doesn't work.

 

So much of a relationship's success is based on timing and mutual "want". If either is off, its so hard to Relationships should flow and grow.... other wise, don't limit yourself.

[kim42]

I asked his friends and he's had sex since his divorce so I doubt he is asexual. Good point, i'll have to ask him about it.

 

Just out of curiosity, why did you ask his friends about his sex life? You should have intimate conversations with him, if he wants to talk about it, not with his friends.