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Friend not telling me she's pregnant


soulsista29
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I have a group of college friends, 4 of us. We'll call them A, B, C, and me. A recently came back home to visit and asked to meetup. On the morning of the meetup, B said she was sick so cancelled. We found out that was just an excuse and she wasnt really sick. A few months later we organised another meetup and B 'was busy'. At that meetup, C told us that B was pregnant and more than 12 weeks along. I had actually just had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before but didnt tell any of them. In a way I was glad she wasnt there as I dont know if I could have held it together. The thing is B and I were pregnant together and had our first child around the same time and met up regularly for play dates. I'm annoyed that B hasnt told me that she is pregnant. And now after 4 months she has asked to meetup. We're not super close but close enough where I would expect a text from her telling me she's pregnant. How am I supposed to react if I see her and she's 7 months pregnant?

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I have seen both sides of this situation, sort of.

 

I have one friend who is needlessly secretive. Let's called him Mark. He is the sort who believes "information is power" and does not share anything about himself, whilst being as nosy as bored old ladies when it comes to others' business. I find it annoying, sure, but it is what it is and I know that he does somewhat share if you share with him, kind of like a trade of information. So I remain friends with him.

 

I have another friend who is a bit like Sheldon Cooper on the Big Bang Theory, so let's call him Sheldon. Sheldon is difficult to get on with, he can be abrasive and easily takes offense at perceived slights, and can seem quite self-centered. I cannot stand being around him for very long, but he is a decent guy, so I do consider him a friend, just in small doses.

 

Mark recently told me that he got married, I also knew that he was expecting a child. He did not tell Sheldon, despite Sheldon also being a friend of his. When Sheldon found out about the marriage, he felt betrayed that his friend did not tell him about such a major life event and was personally offended, even though there was no wedding ceremony that we could have been invited to. Sheldon has now chosen to delete Mark from his contacts and does not consider him a friend anymore.

 

So what is my point?

 

1. Some people choose to be secretive for whatever reason. It is within their right to do so.

2. You can choose to get offended (like Sheldon), or not (like me). It is within your right to choose.

3. Accept whatever consequences your choice entails. It is that simple. I remain friends with Mark and Sheldon, they are not friends anymore.

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We're not super close but close enough where I would expect a text from her telling me she's pregnant.

 

That's your perception of the status between you two, but it might not be hers.

 

If C, told the news, maybe B said it was okay to spread that news. Maybe B is wondering why you never sent her a congratulatory text.

 

Friendships often evolve, sometimes strengthening, some on an even keel, some dwindle--some totally end. Take your cues from the other person on how much effort you should be putting into the friendship. If you're making effort and getting less in return, start devoting more time to others who put in an equal effort. Evolution is a normal part of life in just about every aspect.

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I can think of so many reasons why someone would choose not to share a pregnancy - this is a very personal choice and I don’t think it’s right to have an expectation of when the person should share. No one is entitled to getting that information about someone else, and it was wrong for C to share news that was not hers to share. Personally, I chose to keep a pregnancy private for as long as possible and it was not about being secretive; it was that I preferred to keep this a private matter, and was nervous that something would go wrong and did not want to have to deal with that publicly.

 

If/when you see her and she’s seven months pregnant, just congratulate her and proceed as you would with anyone else.

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Maybe she is having difficulty/complications and wishes to share that only with close friends/family until things are clearer. Leave it alone,.

B was pregnant and more than 12 weeks along. I had actually just had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before but didnt tell any of them.I'm annoyed that B hasnt told me that she is pregnant.
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You might be projecting.

 

Have you truly worked through your miscarriage.

 

I could understand if you were best friends who shared everything, would make perfect sense to feel hurt, but you straight up said you aren’t close.

 

Now a days most people I know announce their pregnancies to everyone via Facebook at around 20 weeks when they know the sex. I’m not kidding I can think of one friend who announced hers at 12 weeks.

 

The issue you’re describing isn’t an issue dear.

 

Face your loss.

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I can think of so many reasons why someone would choose not to share a pregnancy - this is a very personal choice and I don’t think it’s right to have an expectation of when the person should share. No one is entitled to getting that information about someone else, and it was wrong for C to share news that was not hers to share. Personally, I chose to keep a pregnancy private for as long as possible and it was not about being secretive; it was that I preferred to keep this a private matter, and was nervous that something would go wrong and did not want to have to deal with that publicly.

 

If/when you see her and she’s seven months pregnant, just congratulate her and proceed as you would with anyone else.

 

Completely agree. I lied to a few people so I could wait until I was in my 14th-15th week. (Like - the brie looks delicious but my stomach's been acting up a bit or "no thank you I don't want to go to your turkey baster clinic even though it's the best" -well maybe that's not a lie). Before that we only told: my sister, my parents, his parents. And a flight attendant because she was concerned that I kept using the restroom (lol just to um pee but still). Everyone understood.

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