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What is my ex trying to do?


stillhere

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My ex broke up with me about six months ago and we've been in and out of contact ever since. We recently went through almost two months of NC then started talking every day again, but I suggested we give each other some space so that she could figure out if she wants to get back together or not since she's still apprehensive.

 

She texted me last week that she saw something at the mall that she thought I would like and mailed it to me. We continued NC after that but then two nights ago she drunk texted me on a night out and told me she misses me and hopes I have a good weekend.

 

Last time we had a serious conversation about our relationship, she said she really wants to give me another chance but is afraid of getting hurt again. I decided giving her space would be for the best. I don't know if her buying me something and breaking no contact constantly like this and drunk texting me is a good thing or not.

 

On a side note, I recently found out that both of her brothers are following this guy she's been spending a lot of time with on Instagram. She insists that they're just really good friends (they were friends all throughout college and live near each other) and I believed her because she has a couple guy best friends, but it seems off to me that her brothers are following this guy. I know for certain she still has feelings for me and I highly doubt she would want anything to do with me if she's possibly seeing someone else, but is it possible that she could just be playing me?

 

I don't know what to think of her actions anymore. I'm just confused and feeling like I need to keep my distance to protect myself but also holding onto hope that her actions indicate she still wants to be together and is just hoping for me to continue chasing her.

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There's a lack of stability here. First it's NC, then talking, you suggest space, she buys you something at the mall, mails it to you, you accept, then NC after that, next drunk texting you. She's all over the map.

 

Her brothers are following this guy on IG. I'm not sure where that's going.

 

Tell her it's time for both of you to go your separate ways.

 

You really need to move on.

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If she broke up with you, why is she scared of getting hurt again? What did you do to hurt her?

 

Your story is all over the place and inconsistent. To be honest it looks like you are struggling to get over her and just looking for signs that there is still hope and looking to us for encouragement.

 

Be honest with yourself. I think you will find the answer you are looking for.

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If she broke up with you, why is she scared of getting hurt again? What did you do to hurt her?

 

Your story is all over the place and inconsistent. To be honest it looks like you are struggling to get over her and just looking for signs that there is still hope and looking to us for encouragement.

 

Be honest with yourself. I think you will find the answer you are looking for.

 

I mean I do feel like there is hope based on her actions and because there is a part of me wants to keep fighting for her instead of moving on. But after I saw that her brothers are following this guy on Instagram I'm thinking that maybe she has been seeing someone new for a while. I don't know if I'm overthinking it and assuming the worst or if it's reasonable to think that way. I guess I just want to know what you all think it could be?

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Seems like the go-to responses on this forum are “break up immediately,” “cut him/her completely off,” and the like. Oftentimes I agree, but in your case I’m not personally getting that vibe. To me it sounds like you both want a second chance. Six months of being broken up seems like a reasonable amount of time to reflect back on whether or not you really enjoyed the relationship and to see what, if anything, has changed about the circumstances.

 

The hardest part is making a solid decision because we all want to be 100% sure about our choice...but of course that’s impossible. We can’t know all the variables (Instagram guys, etc.)

 

I’d say make a decision on what YOU want and then shoot your shot:

 

If you want to try to win her back then GO FOR IT. Commit to the risk you put yourself in (possible rejection, possibly you guys try again but it isn’t really a healthy relationship?) The possible upside is you get back to your true love. And what could be worth fighting for more than true love?

 

If you decide that it would be best to move on and take the lessons learned and meet someone new and begin a fresh romance? Well then maybe a KIND “so long” message followed by strict NC is in order.

 

Whatever you decide, I feel like if you OWN that decision and throw yourself into that course of action unreservedly then you WILL be rewarded.

 

Best of luck! Keep us posted?

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Seems like the go-to responses on this forum are “break up immediately,” “cut him/her completely off,” and the like. Oftentimes I agree, but in your case I’m not personally getting that vibe. To me it sounds like you both want a second chance. Six months of being broken up seems like a reasonable amount of time to reflect back on whether or not you really enjoyed the relationship and to see what, if anything, has changed about the circumstances.

 

The hardest part is making a solid decision because we all want to be 100% sure about our choice...but of course that’s impossible. We can’t know all the variables (Instagram guys, etc.)

 

I’d say make a decision on what YOU want and then shoot your shot:

 

If you want to try to win her back then GO FOR IT. Commit to the risk you put yourself in (possible rejection, possibly you guys try again but it isn’t really a healthy relationship?) The possible upside is you get back to your true love. And what could be worth fighting for more than true love?

 

If you decide that it would be best to move on and take the lessons learned and meet someone new and begin a fresh romance? Well then maybe a KIND “so long” message followed by strict NC is in order.

 

Whatever you decide, I feel like if you OWN that decision and throw yourself into that course of action unreservedly then you WILL be rewarded.

 

Best of luck! Keep us posted?

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I really do want a second chance and it seems to me that she does too but I can't convince someone to be ready to try again with me if they don't feel ready. I don't know if she ever will be, which is why I don't know if doing no contact is the right thing to do. I am hoping that allowing her time and space to think will help her solidify whatever decision she comes to, but now I'm afraid that I'm holding onto hope when it is possible that she is seeing someone else. I will keep you all updated though!

 

How did you hurt her?

 

I wasn't always kind to her when we got into fights. I said hurtful things during arguments. During our time apart I worked on myself and went to therapy to get help for that issue. When we started talking regularly again she got a chance to see how much I've changed and it was a huge factor in her considering giving me another chance, but I know the past pains still linger and I can't blame her for them. Just hoping that if I show her that I can be a more gentle lover that eventually those bad memories can be replaced with better ones.

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Great stuff from Skeptic.

 

If you know you want to get back with her—well, own it. The Instagram/drunk text stuff can go forever—a kind of emotional purgatory that, while often inevitable, can get murky quickly. There's a fine line, in the end, between giving someone space and hanging out on the sidelines—a line you guys have been dancing on since breaking up.

 

So I say take a few deep breaths and really figure out what you want. If it's truly another chance, put that out there, and see what comes. All possibilities are wins, in a way, because it gets you out of this purgatory. Maybe you're together on the other side, maybe not, but you're flipping a page in the story of your life instead of reading the same few paragraphs over and over again, you know?

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Great stuff from Skeptic.

 

If you know you want to get back with her—well, own it. The Instagram/drunk text stuff can go forever—a kind of emotional purgatory that, while often inevitable, can get murky quickly. There's a fine line, in the end, between giving someone space and hanging out on the sidelines—a line you guys have been dancing on since breaking up.

 

So I say take a few deep breaths and really figure out what you want. If it's truly another chance, put that out there, and see what comes. All possibilities are wins, in a way, because it gets you out of this purgatory. Maybe you're together on the other side, maybe not, but you're flipping a page in the story of your life instead of reading the same few paragraphs over and over again, you know?

 

What if I already asked for a second chance and she denied me it because she's afraid/doesn't think it'll work? Should I stick around and keep trying, or should I move on with my life? Not knowing if I should try harder or give up is like being in purgatory itself. I wish I could get a simple yes/no, but unfortunately it's the uncertainty on her end that has me uncertain too.

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What if I already asked for a second chance and she denied me it because she's afraid/doesn't think it'll work? Should I stick around and keep trying, or should I move on with my life? Not knowing if I should try harder or give up is like being in purgatory itself. I wish I could get a simple yes/no, but unfortunately it's the uncertainty on her end that has me uncertain too.

 

I mean, I'm a believer that getting back together, which I've done once, is pretty simple. One person says they want to get back together. The other person says they do too. And—boom—you give it a go. If you can't extract simple yes or no, it's worth asking, with clear eyes, if you genuinely think the time is right. Stirring a ladle over and over in gray stew rarely does anything but make it more gray, you know?

 

When was the last time you voiced, clearly, that you'd like to get back together?

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I mean, I'm a believer that getting back together, which I've done once, is pretty simple. One person says they want to get back together. The other person says they do too. And—boom—you give it a go. If you can't extract simple yes or no, it's worth asking, with clear eyes, if you genuinely think the time is right. Stirring a ladle over and over in gray stew rarely does anything but make it more gray, you know?

 

When was the last time you voiced, clearly, that you'd like to get back together?

 

I asked her a month ago and she said no because she thinks it's too soon to get back together. She's afraid and doesn't want to get hurt again. I told her I understand and suggested we limit contact which eventually turned into NC. Basically I've been distancing myself heavily because I figured if it's a no then it'll always be a no. She has reached out to me multiple times ever since, including in the instances I detailed in this post. I've tried to keep my responses with her short and trying not to be engaging, but I fear that I might be pushing her away if it happens to be the case that she's trying to pull me close.

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It's either very tricky or very simple, depending on how you look at it.

 

Breakups are almost universally confusing. Rarely is anyone 100 percent sure it was the right idea, and after the break there is a void that is pretty painful. How to handle that void? People do all sorts of things, from getting ripped at the gym to studying buddhism to swiping right like a banshee to, well, texting their exes here and there. It's rarely malicious, but that doesn't mean the intentions behind it are clear—and, of course, it can lead to more confusion and hurt.

 

She sounds like she's in a pretty classic state: she does't quite want to be with you, but nor does she totally want to "lose" you. I can only speak for myself, but I'm not particularly interested in people who view me through that sort of lens, be it an ex or a new person who is skittish because some dude before me left some fresh wounds on the heart. There's just not enough meat on the bone to chew on. Probably I've chewed on a few of those bones here and there to learn that lesson.

 

What would I do, in your shoes? One of two things: I'd make it clear, again, that you'd like to get back together and that the only contact you can have moving forward needs to be about that, as anything else is too confusing. She'll respond how she responds, but now you've made it clear what you will respond to, so you don't have to bother with deciphering drunken texts and IG feeds for answers. Or you just let it all breathe for a bit, not feeling like you're trying to score before the buzzer rings, since this isn't some game with a clock and scoreboard. Reflect a bit, live a bit, see how you feel in another few weeks without the nebulous stuff turning your brain to mush.

 

It's all hard, I know. Been in your shoes here and there, though I'm not someone who can sit in limbo very long. I tend to just honor my feelings, whatever they are, trusting that if things are going to come together it's not going to feel like pulling teeth—because I know that I don't want any relationship I'm in, be it a new one or a new start to an old one, to feel like a mastery of dentistry is required to make it shine again.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are, and how long you were together?

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None of us know her...makes it really difficult to say “here’s what to do” because we have to speak in generalities....

 

Don’t take any advice from me anyway (you can read my other posts and see I’m just as lost as the next clown 🤡)

 

That said - there *may* be a case for “storming the castle.” An all out, unabashed, rom-com style, win her back with a full frontal assault of affection kind of thing. The risk is obviously a super high level of vulnerability and the possibility of some heavy duty egg on the face. Personally I think if it really is true love then I would rather live knowing I gave it my all and have to heal from rejection and self-consciousness than to die wondering “what if” after however many years of the “coulda shoulda wouldas.”

 

Obviously this is not the pragmatic, logical approach...and obviously there are many paths to top of the mountain.

 

Good luck dude!

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It's either very tricky or very simple, depending on how you look at it.

 

Breakups are almost universally confusing. Rarely is anyone 100 percent sure it was the right idea, and after the break there is a void that is pretty painful. How to handle that void? People do all sorts of things, from getting ripped at the gym to studying buddhism to swiping right like a banshee to, well, texting their exes here and there. It's rarely malicious, but that doesn't mean the intentions behind it are clear—and, of course, it can lead to more confusion and hurt.

 

She sounds like she's in a pretty classic state: she does't quite want to be with you, but nor does she totally want to "lose" you. I can only speak for myself, but I'm not particularly interested in people who view me through that sort of lens, be it an ex or a new person who is skittish because some dude before me left some fresh wounds on the heart. There's just not enough meat on the bone to chew on. Probably I've chewed on a few of those bones here and there to learn that lesson.

 

What would I do, in your shoes? One of two things: I'd make it clear, again, that you'd like to get back together and that the only contact you can have moving forward needs to be about that, as anything else is too confusing. She'll respond how she responds, but now you've made it clear what you will respond to, so you don't have to bother with deciphering drunken texts and IG feeds for answers. Or you just let it all breathe for a bit, not feeling like you're trying to score before the buzzer rings, since this isn't some game with a clock and scoreboard. Reflect a bit, live a bit, see how you feel in another few weeks without the nebulous stuff turning your brain to mush.

 

It's all hard, I know. Been in your shoes here and there, though I'm not someone who can sit in limbo very long. I tend to just honor my feelings, whatever they are, trusting that if things are going to come together it's not going to feel like pulling teeth—because I know that I don't want any relationship I'm in, be it a new one or a new start to an old one, to feel like a mastery of dentistry is required to make it shine again.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are, and how long you were together?

 

I think for now it would make sense to take a breather and see how I feel and see also what happens in another few weeks. Thank you for your input, it really helps put things into perspective! I'm 22 and she's 21. We were together for three years and friends for two so we've been in each other's lives for a little over five years which is what makes it so difficult to move on and let go. There's a lot of history and we were together through major growing stages and I think that makes it all the more tricky. Maybe she wants to explore something new and this wasn't true love like I had thought? I guess time will tell.

 

What about couples therapy?

 

I suggested this, but she rather focus on herself and her own mental health than invest her energy into repairing a relationship. I can't blame her for that, it makes sense.

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You've got a really good mindset about all this. Had you told me you were 40—my age—I'd have believed you. Alas, however, 21/22 is a fertile time, the transition from adolescence into adulthood. Can only imagine that some of that's at work here—lots of feelings, lots of paths, lots of itches that don't quite make sense. I'd encourage you right now to sit with your own feelings a bit, rather than trying to decipher hers. Clarity will come, and it will guide you.

 

True love, at least in my opinion, is not measured by time or even by lasting "forever." That's what makes it all so mysterious. Guess I'm just saying that I wouldn't let this chapter be about trying to gauge its "truth" but just to see if this is truly the right time to reconnect. There are no wrong answers, though I do understand you'd prefer one answer to another. Hard place to be, but a very human one.

 

Wishing you luck, and do hope you'll keep us posted.

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You've got a really good mindset about all this. Had you told me you were 40—my age—I'd have believed you. Alas, however, 21/22 is a fertile time, the transition from adolescence into adulthood. Can only imagine that some of that's at work here—lots of feelings, lots of paths, lots of itches that don't quite make sense. I'd encourage you right now to sit with your own feelings a bit, rather than trying to decipher hers. Clarity will come, and it will guide you.

 

True love, at least in my opinion, is not measured by time or even by lasting "forever." That's what makes it all so mysterious. Guess I'm just saying that I wouldn't let this chapter be about trying to gauge its "truth" but just to see if this is truly the right time to reconnect. There are no wrong answers, though I do understand you'd prefer one answer to another. Hard place to be, but a very human one.

 

Wishing you luck, and do hope you'll keep us posted.

 

Thank you very much for all of this much needed wisdom, I really appreciate it. I will definitely keep you all posted.

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I think she is going to turn to you when she's lonely and wants attention until she starts dating someone else, OP.

 

As I read it, she doesn't want to get back together. However, she knows that being single also means you lose a convenient source of affection - in my opinion, that is what she is struggling with. So when she feels down, she comes looking for you.

 

I would be careful here. She's already turned down your invitation to reconcile, try couple's therapy, and so on. If I had to put money on it, she will fade once things heat up with another guy and you will be gutted all over again.

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