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Is it time for us to DTR, or is it time for me to move on?


TalullahZ
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I started seeing someone about 4 months ago. It was a back burner crush that I somehow got the confidence to pursue. Since then we have seen each other multiple times a week, and have been getting closer to each other romantically and as a friendship. I am now at a place where I want to start seriously investing in this relationship but I am not sure how to do that or even if I should.

 

One of the first conversations that we had was about our dating styles. He told me that he usually dates more than one person at once. I was totally fine with that, as I was just getting to know him and was still in touch with another interest. He added however, a lot of stress on that fact that it times him a lot of time to feel like someone will be a good significant other to him, and he was talking years. Lately as I think about it, I’m starting to wonder if he’s ready to be in a relationship at all.

 

He is showing signs of wanting to be with me though. Beyond basic dating politeness like paying for dinners and checking up on me when I’m going somewhere alone. We are both very busy people (going to school and working) and yet he will come see me no matter how busy his day was, and end up getting home at early morning hours, he will text and call me all throughout the week, he remembers all my tests and projects and is always down to just come do work with me, and a lot of other small things that make me feel valued.

 

Within the past month we had sex for the first time and once more after that. After the second time I told him that I didn’t want to have sex anymore because it was going to complicate things due to us not being in an exclusive relationship. The reason being was that I actually like him and I don’t want to give too much of myself before I know it will he reciprocated. His response to me placing this boundary? “I like you more everyday.”

 

The reason I’m looking for advice is because he still seems very comfortable with where we are at and has not made any effort to try and make it more serious. I guess he could still be talking to other people but I honestly feel like I’m already taking up too much of his time. Then when I think about what he told me about needing “years” it makes me feel like he’s expecting me to wait around until he’s ready.

 

Should I ease myself out of this and save myself the trouble? Should I ask him to be exclusive? Is it just too soon and I shouldn’t be worried about any of this?

 

Xoxo

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Within the past month we had sex for the first time and once more after that. After the second time I told him that I didn’t want to have sex anymore because it was going to complicate things due to us not being in an exclusive relationship. The reason being was that I actually like him and I don’t want to give too much of myself before I know it will he reciprocated. His response to me placing this boundary? “I like you more everyday.”

 

If you don't have sex with men you are not exclusive with, then don't have sex unless you are exclusive. you violated your own rule --- or did you? because if he is the only one you are seeing, you are seeing him exclusively.

 

Instead of saying "i can't have sex with you again because i really only want to have sex in a relationship" why not tell him " i am not seeing anyone else and would like to date you exclusively" Be direct. You didn't place any boundaries because you already violated your boundary with a guy who does't want to be exclusive

 

to me, if a guy says it takes years to have feelings for someone, i would not even date him. he told you he likes you more every day to keep having sex with you -- he is not interested in anythig committed as he was already clear about his dating style and if he likes dating multiple until HE narrows it down and didn't narrow it down to you, then there is nothing you can do. find someone with the same dating style. don't have sex to force a commitment

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I agree, be direct. However that horse has already left the barn and I'm not sure how you're going to back track now unless you say. "I was thinking about what I said and really want to continue having sex with you so are you ready to be exclusive?" His answer will give you your answer.

 

I guess to me any guy who prefaces himself by saying he's in touch with another interest and it takes YEEEARS to feel like he wants to be exclusive with someone is sort of like his warning to her .... A guy who is super interested drops other interests like a cold potato.

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A guy who is super interested drops other interests like a cold potato.
Not if he's uncertain of her feelings and he has options. She didn't say that she wanted to be exclusive, she said 'lets stop having sex' if we're not exclusive. That, to me, made it sound like she was the one that wasn't wanting more than an activity partner.

 

If she clarifies and he still doesn't want to be exclusive then she will have a clear answer as to what she should do.

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Despite his special attentions to you, he's made it very clear that he will not date you exclusively while he pays attention to you and it could take years before he figures out if a woman will be his significant other. He's not serious about a future commitment with you. He'll see other women on the side and will take his dear sweet time until he finds "thee one."

 

If you want a man who is exclusive, he's not the one for you.

 

You should have a talk with him preferably in person. Ask him he wants to be exclusive. No, it's not too soon to ask him. I'd be concerned. Why should you share him with other women? If he won't give you satisfactory answers, then it's time for you to move on and be with a man who prioritizes you exclusively.

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Instead of saying "i can't have sex with you again because i really only want to have sex in a relationship" why not tell him " i am not seeing anyone else and would like to date you exclusively" Be direct. You didn't place any boundaries because you already violated your boundary with a guy who does't want to be exclusive

 

This is a very good point, I can agree that I'm not very direct. But we did have a conversation soon after that first one, where I told him that this is not The Bachelor, and I will pack up and go if I ever feel like he's just playing me. This is probably why I feel like I need a sign from directly so that I know how to proceed.

 

Also, I'm not against having sex before a relationship, I just think that with him it would be complicated because I have what I think are real feelings for him. So when we had sex it came naturally, but after a while of thinking, I decided that I didn't want to be acting like a girlfriend when he has no responsibility toward me.

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I'm not thinking that I'm going against my word, as I am not against sex outside of an exclusive relationship. I think of it more as barring privileges so that he does not get too comfortable, and hopefully, if all he wanted was sex he can leave me alone and go find it somewhere else. But so far he has continued to have as much enthusiasm for me as he has had before, so it seems fine. I'm just ready for this to finally take off or end.

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People say all kinds of wacky stuff to protect themselves in the beginning. But guess what, it can all go out the window if they meet someone they really like. I wouldn’t be too hung up on what somebody said before, but instead be focused on their actions.

 

I’d take the main concerns from your OP and basically say that post out loud to him. See what he says NOW, and more importantly how he follows up.

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This is a very good point, I can agree that I'm not very direct. But we did have a conversation soon after that first one, where I told him that this is not The Bachelor, and I will pack up and go if I ever feel like he's just playing me.

 

This strikes me as an odd thing to say to (a) a man you like while being (b) a woman who says she's cool with having sex before things are defined. It's pretty aggressive. I mean, how can he possibly be "playing" you if he's playing by the same rules you are, and keep saying you're okay with?

 

He's not doing anything nefarious to you, nor are you doing anything to him. You guys, together, have created a little gray zone romance—not an uncommon thing. Sometimes they peter out, sometimes they evolve into committed relationships. If you'd like it to have some definition—well, talk to him from a place of respect, vulnerability, and self-confidence. Let him know what you're feeling and what you want—which are lovely things, regardless of whether he is on the same page. He will respond how he responds, and from there you'll know how to proceed.

 

Doing that by openly making assumptions that he's a "bad boy" of sorts, then seeing if he takes the bait and becomes a "good boy," doesn't do anyone any favors. I can only speak for myself, but I generally don't like it when women who opt to be intimate with me assume I'm a "player" afterward. I've been there, never quite get it. It's just not the sort of thing that warms my heart and primes me to feel confident about getting exclusive, as I don't want to be in relationships with people who think that low of me.

 

Is there something about this guy that makes you feel less than confident in yourself? I can't help but get that sense.

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It sounds like he is more interested in someone else he is not ready to give up.

I started seeing someone about 4 months ago. It was a back burner crush that I somehow got the confidence to pursue.

 

He told me that he usually dates more than one person at once.

 

Within the past month we had sex for the first time and once more after that. After the second time I told him that I didn’t want to have sex anymore because it was going to complicate things due to us not being in an exclusive relationship. The reason being was that I actually like him and I don’t want to give too much of myself before I know it will he reciprocated. His response to me placing this boundary? “I like you more everyday.”

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I can only speak for myself. Dating became far more simple once I backed up and clarified for myself what I want. Once I decided that I'm relationship material, I was able to state that at the gate and ask whether my potential date views himself the same way. If so, I'd consider dating him, and if not, then it was great meeting him, and if he ever decides that he wants to date in pursuit of finding a the right match for a commitment, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

Screening out guys who don't know what they want thinned my dating pool, but it prevented me from wasting my time and emotions on anyone who's not dating for the same reasons I am. I also know myself well enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. So it became important for me to get to know who, exactly, I'd be bonding WITH, and where I stand--and want to stand with him--BEFORE I make that investment.

 

This was FAR easier than sleeping first, then asking questions later.

 

Clarity changed everything. I stopped flapping around like a candle in the wind trying to figure out other people. Once I figured out my Self, I was in good hands.

 

Head high, and decide what you want out of dating. Then proceed accordingly.

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I'm not thinking that I'm going against my word, as I am not against sex outside of an exclusive relationship. I think of it more as barring privileges so that he does not get too comfortable, and hopefully, if all he wanted was sex he can leave me alone and go find it somewhere else. But so far he has continued to have as much enthusiasm for me as he has had before, so it seems fine. I'm just ready for this to finally take off or end.

 

Yeah you did. you had sex HOPING it will turn into an exclusive relationship. If "all he wanted was sex he could leave you alone" - well you gave it to him twice with no decision of exclusivity. why start over with another woman if he can pursue you and the other interest? BTW, did him mentioning the other interest make you feel competitive to try to win out?

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I can only speak for myself. Dating became far more simple once I backed up and clarified for myself what I want. Once I decided that I'm relationship material, I was able to state that at the gate and ask whether my potential date views himself the same way. If so, I'd consider dating him, and if not, then it was great meeting him, and if he ever decides that he wants to date in pursuit of finding a the right match for a commitment, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

Screening out guys who don't know what they want thinned my dating pool, but it prevented me from wasting my time and emotions on anyone who's not dating for the same reasons I am. I also know myself well enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. So it became important for me to get to know who, exactly, I'd be bonding WITH, and where I stand--and want to stand with him--BEFORE I make that investment.

 

This was FAR easier than sleeping first, then asking questions later.

 

Clarity changed everything. I stopped flapping around like a candle in the wind trying to figure out other people. Once I figured out my Self, I was in good hands.

 

Head high, and decide what you want out of dating. Then proceed accordingly.

I agree catfeeder.
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