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Seriously considering suicide and am scared.. Need help!


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Background.

 

Have had suicidal thoughts before, but tonight scares me. Am calm and rational about the whole thing. Left the gym today because i felt sick about the waste of space (rotten person) that i am. That i add no contribution to life and as others have described it (on this forum), am a waste of space.

 

Have been feeling numb these last few days, like physically numb. Last night I went to bed wishing that I could fall asleep and not "wake up" this morning. But, guess what? I am here. Unfortunately.

 

The reason I have not taken my own life in the past is that i have been scared. That's right. Too afraid of the unknown and the thought that i would go to "hell" (a worse place), but tonight i am not afraid. I am, however, too blotto to do it (have drunken almost a bottle of wine). And i guess i don't really "want" to do it.. But, tonight though, even today and yesterday, i imaged a razor sliding over my vein. I'm not sure the best way to do it, as i don't want to get brain damage from failing. I live alone, so i guess i wouldn't be that hard, if i really tried.

 

Another thing that has stopped me is that a sibling did the same thing years ago and in the past, I didn't want to put my parents through this, but i don't even care about that anymore. I don't care about anyone's position in this, except my own.

 

I am sorry for posting such a crap idealisation. Hopefully tonight, this has stopped me from doing it as i am in that sociopathic state where i don't even care about myself or see a future for myself.

 

I feel so down, but i don't really want to do it. Help :p

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I’m sorry you’re hurting so bad. I have made several “cry for help” suicide attempts where I didn’t really make an honest effort to die, but did put on a big dramatic show because I didn’t know how else to express the depth of my sorrow and hopelessness.

 

I have made one God’s honest attempt on my own life. All of this went down in my 20’s amidst a crippling drug and alcohol addiction.

 

I’m not qualified to help you and I sincerely hope you seek professional help...but I will share with you that today, at 43 years old, I am SO glad I wasn’t successful. I am so grateful that by some grace I kept going.

 

It might be viewed as arrogant, but I will venture to bet that there are lots of other people who are glad I didn’t succeed including my family (including two kids who are currently healthy and happy and never would have been born if I was successful,) my boss and co-workers (I found a job I’m really good at) and my friends in The 12 step program I’m a member of...we’ve been there for each other through thick and thin.

 

I said a prayer for you and I hope somehow you can feel even the slightest brush of the love I’m sending your way.

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Hi

What I get from your post is that you're exahausted...from hating yourself, from wanting so much To be happy and not quite know how to.

Instead of hurting yourself, you wrote here. That's very sane. There is still a tiny part of you that has hope. Hope that you will find the way to get yourself out of that downward spiral. Listen to that part of you...you may think that it is the weakest part, (the part that is afraid of death, the unknown etc.) But it is actually the stronger part of you.

The road to happiness is very possible but from now on you will have to work on it and instead of telling your self "I am a waste of space" you will force your self to say "I will get there, I'm strong". It doesn't matter if you don't believe it at first. Go on youtube, type self love meditation. Pick one , do it. Louise Hay has a very good one. It will get better.

Do not hesitate to call a suicide line. If you can afford it, book a therapist appointment.

The key to resolve your problems is to change your negative self talk. That is the first step.

 

The universe love you and want you to suceed.

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I can’t find another thread that you started here so can you please show us a link where people on this forum said that you are a waste of space?

 

You are not thankfully suicidal as someone that actually is wouldn’t worry about brain damage if they failed their attempt.

 

What worries you is that life could be worse than it currently is .

Which is hope!

 

Go to bed, sleep on it and respond in the morning.

 

Let us know how you feel then. Sleep well x

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You need to get to a doctor or ER. Particularly if mood disorders run in the family and especially with a family history of suicide. People care and can help you out of this dark place. Drinking will exacerbate whatever is going on. get help for that too.

Another thing that has stopped me is that a sibling did the same thing years ago and in the past, I didn't want to put my parents through this, but i don't even care about that anymore. I don't care about anyone's position in this, except my own.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Yes, you are right. There is one tiny morsel in me that has "rational thought".. Which is evident in my typing (it is automatic pilot though). Does not require much thought.

 

I will try to get a good night's sleep. Have drunk enough and am feeling tired. Very tired. This numbness scares me..

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Yes, you are right. There is one tiny morsel in me that has "rational thought".. Which is evident in my typing (it is automatic pilot though). Does not require much thought.

 

I will try to get a good night's sleep. Have drunk enough and am feeling tired. Very tired. This numbness scares me..

 

Rational thoughts are often instantaneous because they are rational.

 

The numbness you feel is depression , but imo not suicidal.

But you do need help for that depression. Which is I’m guessing related to your siblings death.

I’m so sorry for that. It must have been a very difficult time yet a time you got through so far.

 

May I ask how old you are?

What are the positive things in your life that are keeping you here?

Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this? Is there someone you can confide in?

 

Apart from the hangover , how are you today?

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May I ask how old you are?

 

Yes, you may. I'm 50. Female, single and gay. A recipe for disaster really!

 

I've been depressed since I was a teenager. My sibling died 15 years ago, so I have had time to process it. Still feel grief on birthdays and suicide anniversary etc, but that isn't for a few months yet.

 

I'm fairly isolated and I know this is a problem. I am on low income due to completing a course. This means that I can't move out of the home that i hate (neighbours are noisy and it is a constant point of stress) and I feel trapped, not to mention like a low-life, as I am on the low end of the food chain.

 

All that aside, I am honestly evaluating whether i am a good person or not, or what type of person i am. It is easy to delude yourself into thinking you're worthy somehow, but the honest truth is- what makes a "worthy (or "good")" person? In actual fact, nobody can answer this for me, i have to answer it myself. Maybe that's what this whole process is all about.

 

Strangely enough, i have spent 3 days in my apartment, mostly drinking (i know, bad), sleeping, wallowing in self-pity, watching youtube clips and Netflix. A lot of Netflix! I honestly don't want to deal with much or many people (if anyone) at all right now. Maybe a shop attendant etc, or somebody special, but I don't have anybody "special" in my life, so that is not going to happen.

 

I felt aweful this morning. The usual hungover stuff and poor (very poor) mental state. But, as usual, I talked myself out of it, the cloud lifted (eventually) and I managed to find a bit of reprieve for a few hours in afternoon (you'll see I posted here), but then suddenly it's like the depression and hopelessness enveloped my brain again. It was really weird, like a black cloud came over it. I am trying not to think negatively or take too much on. Am accepting this hopeless state I am in and I have another three days off, so it'll be interesting to see if i leave my apartment (I have to, but how far i go is anybody's guess).

 

I don't want to be like this and would like to envision a life of happiness and lightness for myself. One thing i have realised though is not to drag anybody else down with me. I have done this recently, but have realised i need to be in this on my own. I think that everybody goes through this at one point.

 

Anyhow, my mind is quite active when it's not filled with black putty (soot). I just have to get through the next few months and then I can change my situation next year (living and vocational).

 

I am in two minds: to travel (drive around and practice my trade), or set up a business. For as hopeless as i sound, i fare quite well when i am engaged and have a goal and belong to something. I think that's what is missing in my life - "belonging". I hope i can find it or develop it really soon.

 

Thanks for listening and asking your questions. It has helped me to type it all out.

Edited by canterbury
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I see a lot of hope and positivity in your reply!

 

As for what makes someone a good person , I think it’s just being the best you , that you can be!

We all however fail at it somewhat!!

But mostly good people!!!

 

You are only a few months away from a significant change in your life! Hang in there!

 

As for work choice , it might be best for you to initially become employed by another.

And wait to decide whether to travel with work or set up a business.

 

I sense that you are better off not having too much free days in a row so if you can get work that only allows 1-2 days off max between shifts , aim for that!

 

When you go to have a drink this evening , go for a 20 minute walk first.

And drink a glass of water before opening the wine.

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